Anyone awake for a hand hold?

[anothernamechangess]

DH and I are in the midst of a rough patch. Two kids 2 and 3, and he is grieving for a close family member who died almost a year ago in tragic circumstances.

We've been arguing a lot, a huge one tonight and he's yet again threatened divorce. He threatens it a lot and has not yet done it. Every time he threatens it I go through this rollercoaster again - even know I know realistically he will calm down tomorrow and (hopefully) things will be ok.

We have had therapy, but I think we need to go back to keep working on our communication.

I'm an anxious attachment type so this is awful for me, he's gone to bed in another room and refusing to talk to me. I asked him if we would be ok and he said he didn't know any more.

Any tips on how to sleep tonight and not have a panic attack would be great 😟

You are as strong - you just need to believe it!

Some amazing advice here, so I just wanted to add that although I’m in a very different position to you, the common thread is that I wasn’t happy and I was scared and my self esteem was on the ground.

In the last year I have started taking anti depressants (I resisted initially but accept they do help) and had individual counselling which has been amazing. I’ve just read ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ but I wouldn’t have been able to relate to that a few months ago as I was so down on myself. But I do recommend it.

I decided to work on me - the part I can control. Made myself a better and happier person. I now move out in a couple of weeks - I tried to end it in March before I’d done all this and it was a disaster because I didn’t feel strong enough.

He's said this morning that if I don't make changes then our marriage is over. Specifically he wants me to stop telling him to cheer up - which I do as he's constantly grumpy - and 'telling him how he feels' eg that he's in a bad mood.

Apparently this is the one thing that he will leave over, this is my last chance, and if he doesn't see a change then it's over.

He seems very angry with me, I suggested bereavement counselling and he said I am the problem and not the betl

He sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative. He won't seek counselling and he won't communicate with you in a respectful way. I wouldn't stay married to a man like this

Bereavement*

It took me a long time to get the courage to split OP. So I can see how tough this is.

But using the threat of divorce as a lever to change your behaviour is a thing you have to decide whether or not you live with. From the outside, it seems that you’re being treated badly. I hope that you can find the right way through this.

So, just to be clear OP, your DH is going to divorce you if you ever tell him again to cheer up, or comment that he's in a bad mood? Something as trivial as this would be enough for him to initiate divorce proceedings?
OK, as someone who will be celebrating their 42nd anniversary next week, I feel I have some experience in what makes a marriage work, so can I respectfully suggest you tell him to grow the f**k up?
He's a father of two young children and needs to set a good example. Why does he think it's OK for him to dictate what you can and cannot say? Why does he think it's OK to break up a family over something SO inconsequential? 🤬

@AngelicKaty

He says it's a huge thing for him and something he's been asking me to change for 10 years. I don't believe that's true, but it is something he's mentioned frequently over the last year.

Cycle is - he appears grumpy and withdrawn, I ask him if he is ok, this makes him worse, he gets angry at me for mentioning it and says he's fine, he tells me to stop 'telling me how he feels', occasionally it blows up in to a huge row (I saw row, he shouts, I never do).

This, to him, he is saying is a deal breaker.

It's really hard living with someone who is consistently grumpy. He did not used to be like this. I appreciate life is hard with a two and a three year old and what we've been through the last year.

I think I'm going to try very hard to ignore his mood and see if that helps improve things. I feel so confused as to whether I am actually suffocating and unbearable, or whether he is being ridiculous.

He’s being absolutely ridiculous.

Asking someone you love, who is unhappy, if they are ok is obviously totally normal.

I had a grumpy husband who stonewalled me and my daughter for a month because he didn’t like that I eventually ignored his grumpiness and did something I wanted (decorated my daughter’s bedroom!). He has since told me he did it to make a point because I wouldn’t discuss things with him but his constant negativity just made me feel so hesitant to talk to him that I eventually just stopped. It’s emotional abuse whether it is done maliciously or not because he’s expecting you to change and not accepting that it’s something you could work on together.

Depression is likely here, and living with a person with depression can be hell.

Telling him to cheer up will not help. It's hard, but stop doing that.

You wouldn't tell a person with a broken leg to go for a walk.

He needs to do psychiatric help to deal with his reaction to his grief.

If he will not do that, you have a hard decision to make.

@JFDIYOLO I have myself wondered this but he won't hear it whatsoever

@trailblazer42 sorry to hear that, did things improve eventually?

Of course you're not suffocating and unbearable. As a pp wrote, it's totally normal (and considerate) to ask your partner how they are if they seem down. Claiming that you, rather than the bereavement, is the problem relieves him of having to do anything positive and places all the burden on you to change your joint situation. This is grossly unfair.
I hope you can find a way through all of this OP, but I fear you won't get far if he maintains his current position and refuses to get professional help.

My ex became like this when he realised parenting was really hard work and he wanted his old life back. The dc were upset but also relieved when he left. I wish I hadn’t subjected my dc to his moods for as long as I did. It left lasting damage. Even if you don’t feel ready to end it start doing stuff with your dc without him and nice stuff for you on your own. Build up your own confidence. Don’t let him suck the fun and joy out of everyone else’s life. I’ve been through some really tough times but never taken it out on my partner or my dc. That’s a choice he’s making. Can you go to family for half term take the dc and get some space. If you feel relieved he’s not there you will have your answer.