Partner had an affair and wont leave.

wendy785 · 2024-09-19T18:22:54+00:00

Hey everyone, This week I found out that my partner of ten years and the farther of my children was having a long term affair. I confronted him and he has admitted it, he said that he had ended it and he wants me back. I have since found out that he hasn't ended it with her and they are still in a relationship. I have politely asked him to leave as I'm trying to be mature about it for the sake of the children but he is refusing to leave the house. Now we both own the property so I am aware that I cant make him leave unless he has been violent towards me or the children. Is there any other way to get him to leave, even if its temporary. I just need breathing space for the sake of my mental health. I don't want him back so I also need to sort out my finances. If I am living in the property with the kids and he pays half of the mortgage would I be able to claim universal credits? My childcare bills are over £1000 a month and there is no way I can do this without some help. Any advice would be welcome. Thank you in advance!

cuu · 19/09/2024 19:24

If I am living in the property with the kids and he pays half of the mortgage would I be able to claim universal credits?

I'm not sure he'd have to pay have the mortgage if he's not allowed to live there!

LadySummerislesApple · 19/09/2024 19:25

You need to put his earnings into the CMS calculator to see how much per month he would need to pay you.

Can you afford to buy him out of his half to remove him from the mortgage, and can you afford your own mortgage?

The absolute best thing to do is to sell the house and split the equity. I don't think you can force him out of a jointly owned property unless he chooses to leave.

AiryFairyLights · 19/09/2024 19:27

Many will come and give you advice on this - some good, some not so good and some that will be completely bonkers but I think first things first you really need to get an appt with a solicitor and find out legally where everything stands.
I'm really sorry you're going through this x

AiryFairyLights · 19/09/2024 19:28

cuu · 19/09/2024 19:24

If I am living in the property with the kids and he pays half of the mortgage would I be able to claim universal credits?

I'm not sure he'd have to pay have the mortgage if he's not allowed to live there!

If the children are under the age of 18 yes he would.

Hatty65 · 19/09/2024 19:30

AiryFairyLights · 19/09/2024 19:28

If the children are under the age of 18 yes he would.

Show quote history

No. He wouldn't.

The house will need to be sold and the proceeds divided. He has no obligation to keep paying a mortgage for x number of years til his children are over 18. That's fantasy land.

AutumnFroglets · 19/09/2024 19:31

No, you can't force him out but you can certainly start putting the house up for sale so you can split the equity, or one of you buys the other out.

You need to be properly separated, ie no cooking or doing his laundry. He buys his own food and puts it in his own cupboard/fridge shelf. No joint bank accounts etc. No bed sharing. Treat him as you would a housemate. Then go onto the benefits calculator and see if you can get any help, especially with childcare costs. Then hit him with a cms claim.

shellyleppard · 19/09/2024 19:33

@AutumnFroglets nailed it

WhatToDo1234567 · 19/09/2024 19:33

Sorry OP, this all sucks 💐

You need to look at lawyering up. Most likely you'll need to sell and split the equity. Realistically your ex only has an obligation to pay CMS, not half the mortgage/bills etc.

Good luck!

BloodyAdultDC · 19/09/2024 19:40

AiryFairyLights · 19/09/2024 19:28

If the children are under the age of 18 yes he would.

Show quote history

No, he wouldn't.

He would only be legally obliged to pay a sum assessed by the CMS. This can be paid as a sum direct to the other parent or mortgage payment but he is not legally obligated to pay both CMS and mortgage.

If you are not married you are also not entitled to more than CMS, and your share of any equity in the house.

Original poster

wendy785 · 19/09/2024 19:42

So the children are two and eight. Im unable to buy him out of the property. He says he doesn't want to sell it but he cant afford to buy me out either. He also wont leave the property and is trying to stay. I just wanted to know my options are. Since the start of our relationship he has never spent time with the kids or done anything for them. I have looked after them, payed for everything for them and given them everything they need. The fact that he was never interested in them and is never around should have been a massive red flag. Now this affair has come to light he is trying to buy them presents and be overly nice to them. He is trying to win me back through the children and I cant cope with that. I just want him to leave so I can sort out my finances, sell the house and find a part buy part rent property that I can afford myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

wendy785 · 19/09/2024 19:45

AutumnFroglets · 19/09/2024 19:31

No, you can't force him out but you can certainly start putting the house up for sale so you can split the equity, or one of you buys the other out.

You need to be properly separated, ie no cooking or doing his laundry. He buys his own food and puts it in his own cupboard/fridge shelf. No joint bank accounts etc. No bed sharing. Treat him as you would a housemate. Then go onto the benefits calculator and see if you can get any help, especially with childcare costs. Then hit him with a cms claim.

Hes been sleeping on the sofa, i have been buying mine and the kids food and im not doing his washing. We have a joint bank account for the mortgage and bills but each have our separate accounts that our pay goes into and we transfer over monthly. I have looked on the benefit calculator and it says i can claim a lot but its unclear if i can claim it as a single person whilst he is living in the property.

OP posts:

Original poster

wendy785 · 19/09/2024 19:47

LadySummerislesApple · 19/09/2024 19:25

You need to put his earnings into the CMS calculator to see how much per month he would need to pay you.

Can you afford to buy him out of his half to remove him from the mortgage, and can you afford your own mortgage?

The absolute best thing to do is to sell the house and split the equity. I don't think you can force him out of a jointly owned property unless he chooses to leave.

On the calculator it says if he had them one night a week he would still have to pay me £600

OP posts:

Holidayhell22 · 19/09/2024 19:55

Op you need to seek legal advice from a solicitor.
My advice: write down bullet points of what you need to ask as solicitors are not cheap.
Could you leave him with the dcs and go somewhere for a few days? This might give him a kick up the a* as it sounds as though he really doesn’t want to face reality.
I echo to stop doing anything at all for him, you are both now single. No more washing, cooking, nothing what so ever.
This might also encourage him to get out of the house if things are not so comfortable.
Ignore everything he is doing with the dcs, you know this is not the real him.
Good luck op and make sure you speak to your friends and family, they will support you.

NoOneKnowsWhoYouAre · 19/09/2024 19:56

If he is refusing to leave or sell you will have to leave and rent somewhere, or progress the divorce and get a forced sale through the financial settlement. You will get some benefits and you can hit him with CMS. Do your homework and stop paying into the joint account. You need separate finances immediately.

CoralReader · 19/09/2024 20:01

From his perspective, why should he leave

Original poster

wendy785 · 19/09/2024 20:02

Holidayhell22 · 19/09/2024 19:55

Op you need to seek legal advice from a solicitor.
My advice: write down bullet points of what you need to ask as solicitors are not cheap.
Could you leave him with the dcs and go somewhere for a few days? This might give him a kick up the a* as it sounds as though he really doesn’t want to face reality.
I echo to stop doing anything at all for him, you are both now single. No more washing, cooking, nothing what so ever.
This might also encourage him to get out of the house if things are not so comfortable.
Ignore everything he is doing with the dcs, you know this is not the real him.
Good luck op and make sure you speak to your friends and family, they will support you.

I dont feel comfortable leaving the children with him. He looked after them a couple of weeks ago as a one off as i had training at work. Three different neighbours came to me with concerns as he was screaming at them constantly. He was never good with them so if i ever needed to go out without them my parents would have them. I don't think he ever wanted children and was just doing it to keep me happy. I am ignore his attempts at winning me back. Im completely done now. I just want to move on but he is making it impossible for me to do so. He had the audacity yesterday to ask me to wash his clothes!! I will book an appointment with the solicitors thank you. x

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Original poster

wendy785 · 19/09/2024 20:05

CoralReader · 19/09/2024 20:01

From his perspective, why should he leave

I get why he would think that but he has another relationship and she owns her house. He could move in with her. Otherwise if me and the children move out then we wont have anywhere to go. I dont want to move the kids school and nursery either.

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marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 19/09/2024 20:06

Just tell him he's plainly bit "getting it", as you'll never wash his clothes again. That you are out and consider yourself to have split up.

divorcingmumoftwo · 19/09/2024 20:08

You can claim as a single person even if he's living there

Original poster

wendy785 · 19/09/2024 20:12

divorcingmumoftwo · 19/09/2024 20:08

You can claim as a single person even if he's living there

Thank you. I have never claimed for anything before so its all new to me and im not sure how it works. I just know there is no way that I can afford it all on my own.

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HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 19/09/2024 20:19

With kindness, he's probably on the male equivalent of Mumsnet right now with a bunch of dickheads telling him 'not to leave his house, it's his house too bro.'

You really need a solicitor's appointment. As pp said, write down bullet points to make the most of the appointment.

If you're on facebook and there's a local 'womens' group or 'mums' group, make an anonymous post and ask for the best local divorce lawyer. And ask your neighbours if they'd be comfortable putting the thing about him screaming at the children in writing.

rockingbird · 19/09/2024 20:31

You can't force him out but you can make him sleep in a separate bed/room. Stop washing his clothes and stop cooking for him. He will soon get the message the house maid is no longer playing ball. Grey rock him and make it obvious you're done.

AutumnFroglets · 19/09/2024 20:36

I have looked on the benefit calculator and it says i can claim a lot but its unclear if i can claim it as a single person whilst he is living in the property.
Yes you can but you have to be living as a separate person which is why I said no cooking or shopping. Treat him as a housemate who you don't like, not as an ex or your children's other parent. There has to be very clear boundaries so you don't get hammered for fraud. It is to protect you, it's nothing to do with being unkind or mean iyswim.

I would suggest going to Citizens Advice who should be able to give you some pointers but if he refuses to sell the house or buy you out, you can get a court order forcing him to put it on the market. At worst a judge can sign the sale papers on his behalf, so don't back down. You have options

ImNotYourMonstera · 19/09/2024 20:37

@NoOneKnowsWhoYouAre @HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf there is no marriage.
Since neither can afford to buy the other out, the house will need to be sold.

millymollymoomoo · 19/09/2024 20:39

If you’re not married it depends on how you own the house. If joint tenants that’s 50% each. So you either need to find the money to buy out his share, or he does or you sell and split it 50:50

he won’t be expected to pay the mortgage ( you hold it joint and severally)

he also is not expected to leave the house

if he wants the children overnight he’ll get it unless a child welfare report deems that not suitable or there are safety concerns

its not up to his new partner to house him so you have the house and hold on to his asset.

ultimately all you’ll be entitled to is child maintenance

sorry if that all sounds harsh but you need to start thinking practically about what you can do and what things might look like