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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How to handle subject of mistress with young children

56 replies

GlamSlam7 · 10/09/2024 13:41

Hi everyone
I'm looking for some advice from anyone who has been through this and successfully come out the other side!
Husband left for another woman earlier this year. We have 2 young children (primary school age)
I'm trying to be the better person by not telling them what their dad has done. They know it was his decision to leave but don't know the ins and outs. My thinking is that in time they will work it out and they can make their own decision about how they feel about him and her.
I told our eldest that I don't want the womans name mentioned in my house but they have started to lie to me about what they've done at weekends to avoid talking about her to me. They think I'm upset when the mistress is mentioned because I don't have a new partner but obviously it's because this is the woman who broke up our happy home!
Any advice on how best to navigate this?
Thanks!

OP posts:
CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 10/09/2024 13:50

I know you're hurting, believe me, I've been there, but what you've done is so unfair on the kids.

You've asked them to hide and lie about a massive section of their life to their own Mum in order to spare your feelings.

You need to smile and nod and vent elsewhere, fake it until you can make it.

Their lives have been turned upside down too, but the most important thing is that they can have an open and loving relationship with you, they can't do that if you're banning them from talking about things.

rwalker · 10/09/2024 13:53

You’ve made your kids feel in such a position they have to lie to you
as hard as it is don’t drag kids into your shit

Spinet · 10/09/2024 13:54

Yes I agree with PP. Sorry, this is really hard for you. But you need to say 'I made a mistake when I said not to mention her name' and talk about how this adjustment period is difficult for all of you but you want them to enjoy their weekends and you love them whatever happens etc.

WeAreWhereWeAre · 10/09/2024 13:54

When ExH left, only the eldest (6YO) had any sort awareness of what had happened (the younger two were 14wks and 2 at the time). It was around 3mths after he left that the DCs started spending time with the OW at weekends.

I didn't ban mention of the OW's name, as I personally felt that would put a barrier between my DCs and me. I mean I didn't go out of my way to discuss the OW, I just didn't shut the conversation down if her name came up.

craigth162 · 10/09/2024 13:54

The woman didnt wreck a happy home....your husband made his own choices. Shes not the villain.

pottymouth40 · 10/09/2024 13:55

You have every right to be angry and upset but it’s unfair to ask that of your dcs - it’s just putting extra pressure on them to lie so as not to upset you on top of everything your dh has done to turn their lives upside down. It’ll no doubt be giving them anxiety and they are only children.

You have to be the bigger person in these situations unfortunately, especially if OW is going to be sticking around.

MillyMollyMandHey · 10/09/2024 13:56

I told our eldest that I don't want the womans name mentioned in my house but they have started to lie to me about what they've done at weekends to avoid talking about her to me.

What did you expect them to do when you told them not to say her name? This is involving them.

MillyMollyMandHey · 10/09/2024 13:56

And your home wasn't happy - your DH broke it, not her.

Businessflake · 10/09/2024 14:16

OP I know it’s hard, but wouldn’t you rather know what your children are up to and who they are spending time with? Also, I can totally understand your dislike of the OW but if the relationship lasts she is going to be an ongoing part of their lives. It would be much better for everyone if she is someone the kids get on with and who in time they grow to love (and her them). This is about the happiness of your children and no child grows up happy and secure in hostile environments with constant conflict. Turning them against isn’t going to help with that.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 10/09/2024 14:22

You need to take back the request not to mention her name so your kids aren’t forced to lie. I’m assuming that they want to say things like “Ellie drove the car to the cinema “ rather than “Ellie is great and I wish she was my mum”)
Being able to discuss difficult topics is very important so that when they are a teen or adult and mess up, they can talk to you rather than worry about your reaction.
When they are older they may ask about timelines and you can tell them then but for now you need to fake it or it will damage your kids not being able to discuss their weekends honestly. I know it’s hard and I remember having to take a big gulp when dd came home with a fancy hairstyle done by OW but it’s better that than an actively mean gf.

WeAreWhereWeAre · 10/09/2024 14:33

Completely agree with @SonicTheHodgeheg.

I know it's hard, but you have to 'fake it until you make it'.

ChampaignSupernova · 10/09/2024 14:37

I completely understand why you don't want to hear the woman's name however that is a big burden you have passed on to very young children. This is fake it until you make it territory. If you get upset just say to your children that some times adults get upset and that is ok. Change topic as soon as you can, divert the conversation eg "ow took us to a farm" so you respond "that's cool. what animal was your favourite" and keel them talking about that.

It's unbelievably hard hearing them play happy families but she is now parachuted into your children's lives and how you navigate this dictates how they approach you about other things. Your kids are opting to lie to you so they don't hurt your feelings. That isn't good.

tribpot · 10/09/2024 14:54

Your DH is the one who broke your home. If it hadn't have been her, it would have been someone else. I assume your children are allowed to mention him??

You want your children to be able to talk to you about anything, that's why you're posting for help. But that includes hearing about the OW, and it even includes hearing about them having fun with her and enjoying spending time with her. You keep your heartbreak on the inside for the sake of your children. Is it fair? Nope. But you do it anyway.

Original poster
GlamSlam7 · 10/09/2024 14:58

Thanks for all your replies. I take all of your comments on board.

I should never have said that. Think it was in anger or when i was upset and i hadnt thought about the consequences. It’s early days. I certainly don't want either of them lying to me. We have a extremely close relationship.
I will have to sit them down and have a chat with them. Im just going to have to suck up any chat about the OW and try and turn the conversation around if it happens.
No one gives you a manual for this stuff!
Thanks all.

OP posts:
NeverHadHaveHas · 10/09/2024 15:01

She didn’t break up your happy home - he did. All you are doing by banning the mention of her in your house is putting a burden on your children that doesn’t need to be there. You are basically asking small children to protect you from the discomfort of hearing her name, which is unfair and potentially damaging to them.

Elizo · 10/09/2024 15:04

Stop banning her name and stop calling her the mistress. Forcing your children not to talk about their time there is harmful. Get some help through this if you need. It must be really hard for you but having experienced something similar as a child I can’t tell how damaging it is

Andwegoroundagain · 10/09/2024 15:12

Agree with @Elizo , your kids don't need to know she was the OW. It's not relevant to them at this age. They shouldn't have to tiptoe around your feelings and so hard as it is you have to try to put that aside and let them just live this new life freely.
I'm sorry, it is difficult

ChampaignSupernova · 10/09/2024 15:15

GlamSlam7 · 10/09/2024 14:58

Thanks for all your replies. I take all of your comments on board.

I should never have said that. Think it was in anger or when i was upset and i hadnt thought about the consequences. It’s early days. I certainly don't want either of them lying to me. We have a extremely close relationship.
I will have to sit them down and have a chat with them. Im just going to have to suck up any chat about the OW and try and turn the conversation around if it happens.
No one gives you a manual for this stuff!
Thanks all.

It is incredibly hard to navigate and always remind yourself you are doing the best you can with what you have. Mistakes will be made but recognise saying that was a mistake and are prepared to fix it so be kind to yourself.

WeAreWhereWeAre · 10/09/2024 15:16

GlamSlam7 · 10/09/2024 14:58

Thanks for all your replies. I take all of your comments on board.

I should never have said that. Think it was in anger or when i was upset and i hadnt thought about the consequences. It’s early days. I certainly don't want either of them lying to me. We have a extremely close relationship.
I will have to sit them down and have a chat with them. Im just going to have to suck up any chat about the OW and try and turn the conversation around if it happens.
No one gives you a manual for this stuff!
Thanks all.

Good luck OP - It's really hard in the beginning but I promise you it does get easier.

One day you may even find yourself secretly thanking the OW in your own head for taking an absolute knobhead off of your hands! (Appreciate that might just be me though)!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 10/09/2024 15:20

Definitely the way to go, but I'm sure you're doing your best in a really difficult situation.

SummerHouse · 10/09/2024 15:26

They will not necessarily blame him, or the other woman as unfair as that seems. My mum spent decades bad mouthing my dad (not an affair but she felt very wronged by him). The only person I resented was her. This is a really tough situation and very unfair that you deal with the fall out. But if you can, get counselling. It could help you in the longer term as it did my mum. In the end, these (albeit very valid) feelings you have will only hurt you and your children and counselling might help you process them. You and your children all deserve to be happy. I am sorry this happened to you.

RaspberryBeretxx · 10/09/2024 15:29

I didn't speak about why we split to my DS as he was too little at the time. He asked when he was about 5 or 6 I think and I just said we had some arguments and didn't get along as I felt like he wasn't ready for the full story. He hasn't asked since and is now 12. I imagine, knowing him, that one day he will look me in the eye and ask the real reason why we split and I'll be honest but generous to his Dad and the OW (who ex is still with) for DS's sake. He doesn't need a full run down of all the hurt caused but I will say it was upsetting for us all at the time but all worked out in the long run.

I'd just let your DC know you were wrong to say you didn't want OW's name mentioned and you are of course interested to hear all the things they get up to and can tell you anything. Then just grit your teeth and smile and say how lovely when they do mention her. I find it mostly easy now (over 10 years on!) but still have to do a bit of a gritting of teeth when DS says how much he likes her fajita recipe etc.

Viviennemary · 10/09/2024 15:31

craigth162 · 10/09/2024 13:54

The woman didnt wreck a happy home....your husband made his own choices. Shes not the villain.

She knew he was a married man. A decent woman who have said no. I would not want my children anywhere near her.

craigth162 · 10/09/2024 15:33

Viviennemary · 10/09/2024 15:31

She knew he was a married man. A decent woman who have said no. I would not want my children anywhere near her.

Show quote history

You cant judge unless you know the full story....for all you know maybe she didnt know he was married.

rainsofcastamere · 10/09/2024 15:33

craigth162
The woman didnt wreck a happy home....your husband made his own choices. Shes not the villain.

She knew he was a married man. A decent woman who have said no. I would not want my children anywhere near her.

@Viviennemary

I agree with you! She might not be the one who was married to OP but she is the villain who opened her legs to a scabby man knowing he was married with children and it would wreck another woman's marriage. Absolutely a villain!