How to handle subject of mistress with young children

[GlamSlam7]

Hi everyone
I'm looking for some advice from anyone who has been through this and successfully come out the other side!
Husband left for another woman earlier this year. We have 2 young children (primary school age)
I'm trying to be the better person by not telling them what their dad has done. They know it was his decision to leave but don't know the ins and outs. My thinking is that in time they will work it out and they can make their own decision about how they feel about him and her.
I told our eldest that I don't want the womans name mentioned in my house but they have started to lie to me about what they've done at weekends to avoid talking about her to me. They think I'm upset when the mistress is mentioned because I don't have a new partner but obviously it's because this is the woman who broke up our happy home!
Any advice on how best to navigate this?
Thanks!

Indeed. Ghastly creature. Causing all this misery.

My ExH's affair partner knew he was married (she signed the office congratulations card to us when our third child was born, just after they started the affair).

Despite this, I still find it hard to blame her though as she was his second affair of my pregnancy and he was obviously looking for an out.

I'm trying to be the better person by not telling them what their dad has done. They know it was his decision to leave but don't know the ins and outs. My thinking is that in time they will work it out and they can make their own decision about how they feel about him and her.

dont do this. Kids need honesty and clear understanding of situations. They are primary school age, it’s going to years if not decades before the penny drops on the time lines and until then it’s going to be a long time of confusion and now feeling they can’t talk honestly with you.

they already know or sense something is being kept from them and it’s you who they’ll feel they can’t fully trust as your holding bank or telling them not to mention OW name and they don’t understand why.

I know 2 families who split up due to an affair, 1 kept that detail quiet and the children came to the conclusion it was somehow their fault. They were devastated when they found out the truth, mainly because they were upset that they’d been allowed in carry the guilt and misunderstanding.

the other 1 told the children that daddy had a new girlfriend and that wasn’t ok while married to mummy so they were splitting up but still loved the children.
the latter while not impressed with daddy, accepted the new normal quite quickly.

i suggest you tell your children the truth on a factual way and let them understand your feelings but apologise for saying they can’t talk about OW.

Mistress? FFS can this not be discussed without the misogyny. It ain't the 1900's OP, unless your husband's been keeping her in a love nest in Mayfair.

Your husband clearly did not feel that it was a happy marriage. These things happen. He left. He's with someone else. Of course it hurts. You will have to deal with that in time. Your children also have to adjust and they should be dictating what they want to discuss about their father's new life. Your job is to grit your teeth or whatever else you need to do to accept that your husband's partner is now part of their lives. How positive or negative that is is down to you and whether you can prioritise them over your wounded ego. No-one wants a martyr as a mother, especially not a bitter one. Concentrate on the practicalities of divorce and then building a new future for yourself, then you might find it easier to bear. Right now you're dumping your own hurt on your children which must be incredibly confusing.

How do you know she knew he was married? He could have lied to her just as he did to his wife.

Seems to be more hatred towards the 'other woman' than the cheating husband

Viviennemary
She knew he was a married man. A decent woman who have said no. I would not want my children anywhere near her.

How do you know she knew he was married? He could have lied to her just as he did to his wife.

@Soontobe60 She would also have dropped him like an apple with a maggot in it when she 'found out', but, she didn't. She continued to fuck another woman's husband and didn't mind a bit when he fucked off to be a part time dad to his kids, because she likes Willy more than she likes her morals.

Your last sentence is spot on !

I learned a lot very quickly and it was difficult but my relationship with my kids are great years later so they have hopefully overlooked my mistakes.
💐

Wow.

Maybe read the whole thread?

Stop putting your feelings first and reframe it for the kids. Don’t tell them she can’t be mentioned. Your poor kids are probably trying themselves in knots trying not to mention her, for fear of upsetting you.

Do your grieving privately, don’t give anything away to your little ones. You can get through this💐

I have and responded that I loathe misogynistic language regardless of the circumstances. Sorry if that offends.

Of course the OP's going through a dreadful time. Of course it's unbearably painful and it's human to blame a third party because the truth is that the failure of a marriage is between two people, never three. The third party provides useful distraction for both of those involved. Sorry, but it's true.

Anyway OP sounds great. Mumsnet is the place to sound off anonymously, reflect and then take a deep breath and go back to real life. But I stand by what I said, far too many women in this situation blight the rest of their lives by being bitter. Yes it's shit. Focus on the practicalities of rebuilding your own life and when you're ready to start living it, it'll be there waiting.

Unnecessarily harsh.

You mention misogyny @Thepurplecar - yet your post reeks of it.

She's still a cunt but maybe slightly less so than the ex husband. Slightly.

Oh lol.

No. She's an Angel of Benediction.

Fgs.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you are only human. Have your chat with them. If you get abit upset that's fine, give them hugs and make a few jokes. It's okay for them to see real emotion. If they mention her name it will hurt but it will lesson over time and one day it won't hurt. One day you will have a new partner, a better one. And one day your children will look back and they will be adults and they will understand the massive sacrifice you made to make them happy and secure and they will be in awe of you and they will think less of your ex for being a dishonourable man with no self control and no self respect who hurt their mother and (if she's still around) of dads girlfriend who is clearly a thirsty ho with no morals.

Funny YOU are the one expecting the OP to be the martyr, suck it up, smile, play nice, play fair bow to the inate liberation of the penis, aid, smoothe and abet it's path, whilst the OP should metaphorically restrain her vagina and suppress her feelings. Don't vent, be a nice little woman and a mother Mary and be all forbearance and charity in the face of provocation.

1900's? no, more like the 1200ADs

Sorry wrong quote that was to the ridiculous post by @Thepurplecar

So what did you do when you were in the same situation? Would really appreciate your advice and insight from your own experience.

‘metaphorically restrain her vagina’ - please have another one for me 😂

Got it!

I think the advice to not say anything to make the children feel uncomfortable is good advice. Although it's just words it's going to be hard.

Tell them that you were upset that you and dad aren't together any more but you're over it now and it's ok to mention (insert OW's name) and that you hope they have a good time with her and that they can talk about anything with you.

That way if she say hit then or upset then they can come to you without fear of upsetting you. At the moment they can't mention her so you'd never know if they were worried or scared etc.

That's more important than your broken heart or hurt pride or anything because they are more important than her or him to you, so you'll get through this because you'll put them first.

You don't have to tell them about why you split up.

I agree with @MimiSunshine Children can take the truth. I would tell them (in an age appropriate way what has happened) and it is also ok to say mummy is is hurting right now and this is why it's hard for you to hear the OW name (after all, anger, sadness etc are normal emotions that we need to teach children to navigate, and also teaches them that they can overcome those feelings and they are not a mystery) but you are not angry or upset with them, and you want them to enjoy themselves when they see daddy, because ultimately when they're happy, you are happy. And they should not feel guilty.And in time it will no longer hurt you so much to hear OW name, but for now it hurts.

I personally do not subscribe to not allowing children to be upset with the parent that left (after cheating) and bending over backwards to present them positively. Whilst you don't want to totally ratbag them, there is zero reason to prevent them from knowing what Dad did was wrong. Children have a right to expectations regarding their parents and he has let them down. It's ok for them to know the truth and ok and actually important and healthy for them express their feelings and be upset with Dad for a bit. Its also vital for them to understand the link between behaviour like cheating and consequences. Obviously you don't want to egg it on and you want to be age appropriate. I would tell them daddy's not making very wise decisions right now, but he loves you no matter what (I mean I have issues with even this narrative but that's another thread entirely).

All this 'everything is fine, all is good, no the OW is lovely, smile, smile, happy, happy, hide tears, mummy is made of cast iron, daddy is just making a different decision, one decision is as good as the next, is teaching children that there are no emotional consequences to bad behaviour. They matter. Daddy hurt them too (I am not suggesting you say that) You matter. You can be sad in front of them within reason. As you come out the other end they will be inspired by you.

I went through it. But my kids were much older so it didn't apply in quite the same way but as I also have boys, I let them know their fathers behaviour was not something to trivialise or brush over or ever emulate in the future because of the utter devastation it causes. They are well adjusted and they are bemused by their father's decisions now and they know they can trust me to always tell them the truth.

Ha ha! 😄

Usually the advice on Mumsnet is new partners aren't introduced to children for a long time, certainly longer than 2 months!!

Crazy people are telling you to suck it up, this woman shouldn't be known to your children until things have settled and it's a long term stable relationship

I know how painful it is.
But he's the filthy rat . You haven't banned his name, so you can't blame here.

You need to tell them 'mummy asked you not to talk about her but that was wrong of me. I'm glad you have a nice time when you see daddy and I want you to be able to tell me who you see and what you do, you don't need to lie because you've done nothing wrong ok im sorry if I worried you.'