Husband won't leave

Whenlifegiveslemona · 2024-09-08T21:39:18+00:00

My husband won't leave the house & I need him to for my sanity. We've got children (both young) and haven't been on great terms for about 2 years now, but the last 12 months have been unbearable. We've openly discussed divorce but he won't accept it. I've asked him for one several times & he says "go ahead" in a flippant way, he knows i cant afford to. I want to discuss & agree a separation with the children in mind but he just won't have a convo about the practicalities. To him divorce is the worst thing in the world. To me, I am absolutely done & cannot have the children around loveless, hostile & unhappy parents any longer. I am so unhappy around him & vica versa. There is no love between us, so much resentment. I wont leave the home as I barely earn anything compared to him & have no family to go to (he does). I need some peace & him away from me. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. What do I do? How do I make him see I am being serious in wanting a separation?

StormingNorman · 08/09/2024 22:45

You can start the process before he moves out. The first step is to take legal advice and see what benefits you would be entitled to.

FirstTimeHomeowner · 08/09/2024 23:18

I'm sorry you're going through this 💐

I don't think you can force him to leave. Are you able to cover the bills etc if he does move out?

In terms of how to get him to understand you're serious, I think you want to approach this differently. He clearly doesn't want this - so isn't likely to agree or discuss much at all! Decide how YOU want to proceed, check what you are entitled to. He is not going to put in the work to start proceedings, so you will need to. Forget about him doing anything more than the minimum he legally has to (and maybe not even that!) and if he does act like a decent human throughout, it's a bonus.

Find your tribe or friends to support you. Maximise your income ASAP, and do your own research, never take what he says at face value.

RandomMess · 08/09/2024 23:25

Start a no fault divorce on line it's the only way unless he is being abusive.

millymollymoomoo · 09/09/2024 08:52

He doesn’t need to leave and any solicitor would tell him not to

you’ll need to start the divorce process and financial settlement which might ultimately mean selling the house

Mumpluswine · 09/09/2024 12:40

I had a similar thing 10 years ago when I just wasn't heard by my ex. It took years to get through to him that I was 'leaving' and for us to discuss something. I had to involve his mother, as she was able to buy me out. He does need to financially assist you even if you've left him and you need to rent somewhere else, sounds like you need to make the first physical move? Legal advice would be helpful - have you seen www.courtney.legal ? A friend of mine has been involved in it and I think it's quite useful at showing you how it all works... trying to avoid court and costs etc. There are lots of ways to minimise the disruption? You poor thing, best of luck. Not surprised you need space.

Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 12:55

Thank you, I was just really wanting to agree a separation plan together, peacefully but things aren't peaceful between us, extremely fractious so I'm not being realistic. I see that now.

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Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 12:57

I'm not wanting him to leave to take it all, we've had open discussions about this & I've said I'm not ever going to take the kids (he has in his head how divorces are all lead by women who basically try to take as much as they can - he hasn't experience of this, there are no divorces in his family). He just won't even consider it a reality. My thought is for him to leave while we work out the agreement of who has what/childcare logistics. Because at the moment we cannot stand to be under the same roof & its getting worse by the week.

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Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 12:59

FirstTimeHomeowner · 08/09/2024 23:18

I'm sorry you're going through this 💐

I don't think you can force him to leave. Are you able to cover the bills etc if he does move out?

In terms of how to get him to understand you're serious, I think you want to approach this differently. He clearly doesn't want this - so isn't likely to agree or discuss much at all! Decide how YOU want to proceed, check what you are entitled to. He is not going to put in the work to start proceedings, so you will need to. Forget about him doing anything more than the minimum he legally has to (and maybe not even that!) and if he does act like a decent human throughout, it's a bonus.

Find your tribe or friends to support you. Maximise your income ASAP, and do your own research, never take what he says at face value.

Thank you, I was just really wanting to agree a separation plan together, peacefully but things aren't peaceful between us, extremely fractious so I'm not being realistic. I see that now.

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Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 13:00

millymollymoomoo · 09/09/2024 08:52

He doesn’t need to leave and any solicitor would tell him not to

you’ll need to start the divorce process and financial settlement which might ultimately mean selling the house

I'm not wanting him to leave to take it all, we've had open discussions about this & I've said I'm not ever going to take the kids (he has in his head how divorces are all lead by women who basically try to take as much as they can - he hasn't experience of this, there are no divorces in his family). He just won't even consider it a reality. My thought is for him to leave while we work out the agreement of who has what/childcare logistics. Because at the moment we cannot stand to be under the same roof & its getting worse by the week.

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Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 13:04

Mumpluswine · 09/09/2024 12:40

I had a similar thing 10 years ago when I just wasn't heard by my ex. It took years to get through to him that I was 'leaving' and for us to discuss something. I had to involve his mother, as she was able to buy me out. He does need to financially assist you even if you've left him and you need to rent somewhere else, sounds like you need to make the first physical move? Legal advice would be helpful - have you seen www.courtney.legal ? A friend of mine has been involved in it and I think it's quite useful at showing you how it all works... trying to avoid court and costs etc. There are lots of ways to minimise the disruption? You poor thing, best of luck. Not surprised you need space.

Thanks so much, I've only looked at the gov website about the divorce process (and chat groups) so that website will hopefully be helpful. It's a case of just getting started. I just wanted to agree stuff and then go legal for clarifying, he's generally a very practical & fair guy but in this he's outright refusing anything. I just can't go on, for the sake of my kids and my mental well being. Thanks for replying, really grateful.

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DadJoke · 09/09/2024 13:11

I don't think the reality will hit him until you take steps to move the divorce on. See a solicitor, and if you are worried, speak to Refuge or Women's Aid. I wouldn't push the issue until you have all your finances in a row and followed the solicitor's advice.

It might be that when he knows it's a reality, you can use mediation to negotiate a settlement and avoid court costs.

I don't think there is any chance of forcing him to move out.

roseymoira · 09/09/2024 13:19

So you want him to leave as you can't afford to, but who would be paying all of the bills/mortgage?

RainintheDesert · 09/09/2024 13:23

If your husband is on the deeds why would he move out voluntarily? Mine didn't. I knew I couldn't force him out. It turned out he eventually found a room with a friend and has been there for weeks now.

FlippityFloppityFlump · 09/09/2024 13:38

You can't force him to leave. You need to start taking action such as speaking to solicitors, finding out what benefits you are entitled to, getting financial information together (salary, bank accounts, pensions for you both etc.)

I would wait until you have done this and then tell him, by text or email if he won't speak to you. Then issue divorce proceedings.
You don't need his permission to divorce him but at the moment you have told him you want to split but not done anything about it, so he probably doesn't believe you will do it.
You need to show him this is happening and he may then get his head out of the sand.
It may still be tough living together but at least there will be an end in sight

obsessedwithfreshbread · 09/09/2024 13:50

If you barely earn anything how will you pay the mortgage and bills if you make him leave?

Mickey79 · 09/09/2024 13:55

As others have said, who will pay the mortgage and bills if he leaves- you said you hardly earn anything. An initial free consultation with a solicitor may be a good starting point, to get an idea of what is realistic in your circumstances.

millymollymoomoo · 09/09/2024 14:21

You want him to leave and go where ? Rent? Continue to pay the mortgage and bills for you? Sofa surf?

its understandable you want him to go - but it’s not necessarily reasonable

Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 18:41

millymollymoomoo · 09/09/2024 14:21

You want him to leave and go where ? Rent? Continue to pay the mortgage and bills for you? Sofa surf?

its understandable you want him to go - but it’s not necessarily reasonable

I was hoping he'd stay with his mum as she has plenty of space. And continue to pay the mortgage as he can afford to & wouldn't need to pay another rent. Although, I take on board & agree this probably isn't fair to him. I just want it to end. Maybe having an end in sight will help when I issue proceedings.

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Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 18:43

Mickey79 · 09/09/2024 13:55

As others have said, who will pay the mortgage and bills if he leaves- you said you hardly earn anything. An initial free consultation with a solicitor may be a good starting point, to get an idea of what is realistic in your circumstances.

Yes that's what I realise now I need to do, talk to a solicitor - same as replied to others - it isn't reasonable to ask for him to pay for the mortgage while not living there.

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LemonTT · 09/09/2024 18:54

It’s also not his mums responsibility to provide him with a free home. That is an entitled expectation.

Fullofpudding · 09/09/2024 20:04

Why should he be forced to leave and pay for a mortgage for a house he doesn't live in.

Viviennemary · 09/09/2024 20:12

He isn't going to go voluntarily as this will put him at a massive disadvantage financially. I agree you need to consult a solicitor to seek a way forward. He will need to pay rent and also be responsible for the mortgage on the current house.

ElderMrs · 09/09/2024 20:19

Realistically you need to sell the house.

How much equity is in the house? You need to see a solicitor to discuss what kind of equity settlement you'd be likely to receive.

In the meantime can you look for a better paid job or look to increase your hours? You'll then be in a position to look at what kind of housing you'll be able to afford.

Get yourself on council/social housing lists now too, many have waiting lists of several years.

Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 23:36

LemonTT · 09/09/2024 18:54

It’s also not his mums responsibility to provide him with a free home. That is an entitled expectation.

Entitled? It's a good position to be in - not have to pay more rent. And it's the less harmful option for the children instead of them being around constant conflict

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Original poster

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 23:36

Fullofpudding · 09/09/2024 20:04

Why should he be forced to leave and pay for a mortgage for a house he doesn't live in.

it's the best option for the children instead of them being around constant conflict

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