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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband won't leave

61 replies

Whenlifegiveslemona · 08/09/2024 22:39

My husband won't leave the house & I need him to for my sanity. We've got children (both young) and haven't been on great terms for about 2 years now, but the last 12 months have been unbearable.

We've openly discussed divorce but he won't accept it. I've asked him for one several times & he says "go ahead" in a flippant way, he knows i cant afford to. I want to discuss & agree a separation with the children in mind but he just won't have a convo about the practicalities.

To him divorce is the worst thing in the world. To me, I am absolutely done & cannot have the children around loveless, hostile & unhappy parents any longer. I am so unhappy around him & vica versa. There is no love between us, so much resentment.

I wont leave the home as I barely earn anything compared to him & have no family to go to (he does). I need some peace & him away from me. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. What do I do? How do I make him see I am being serious in wanting a separation?

OP posts:
LemonTT · 10/09/2024 08:45

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 23:36

Entitled? It's a good position to be in - not have to pay more rent. And it's the less harmful option for the children instead of them being around constant conflict

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None of that is his mother’s responsibility to resolve or sort out. It’s on the pair of you. You don’t have to be in conflict.

PaminaMozart · 10/09/2024 08:55

Your expectations are totally unrealistic. You need to find a way of standing on your own two feet. You will get approximately 50-70% of joint assets plus maintenance for the children (based on his many nights they are eith you).

So, you need to sell the house and get back to work pretty much full time. Gather all financial documentation and educate yourself about the divorce process.

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies or similar
Family lawyers websites.

Once you're clear about the process and you have looked at Form E, consult with an experienced family solicitor and file for divorce.

Meadowfinch · 10/09/2024 09:05

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 23:36

Entitled? It's a good position to be in - not have to pay more rent. And it's the less harmful option for the children instead of them being around constant conflict

Show quote history

Op, consider it from his point of view. He is an adult with a house and a mortgage, living with his children, and you think he should voluntarily move back in with his mum. Would you leave your children and go home to your mum? I certainly wouldn't.

Consult a solicitor, put it on a credit card if necessary, and then start divorce proceedings on a no-fault basis.

You also need to plan now, how you will provide a home for your children? How much equity will you get from the house? Can you go full time and share nursery care? When does your youngest qualify for free hours? When does your oldest start school? You need a 3 or 4 year plan. This isn't going to happen quickly.

LemonTT · 10/09/2024 13:23

You also need to reflect on your assertion that you don’t want everything. Maybe in the long run that’s true but right now you are asking to have everything and for him to pay for it. With no guarantee that situation will end anytime soon. Of course he doesn’t want that and he will be advised not to move out. Because then you have no reason to move things forward.

Put all of your efforts into a divorce and a clean break.

RandomMess · 10/09/2024 13:31

Can you ask him to spend a few days weekly with his parents and you will also try and go away some weekends to visit friends/family.

Very much - the DC need a break from the atmosphere and we need to find a way forward.

rwalker · 10/09/2024 13:42

I think your expectations are unrealistic you want him to move out to his mums spare room
he lose his kids his home his possessions still pay for the majority of everything and be like teenager in his old bedroom at his mum’s

I think a starting point would be putting the house up for sale

Mamabearsmile · 13/10/2024 23:45

Its his home too. But his mother's house is not his home and she may downsize. You can't expect your mother in law to subsidise your housing ambitions, that's not fair or legal. There are also legal implications which could hinder her. I mean literally its someone elses money which you have no right to. He'll be advised to go for a clean financial break and joint custody in divorce which will mean selling the house. Maybe you could buy him out? Could you're mum help you buy him out? You need a solicitor for sure.It's all big stuff and really not easy but that is how it is these days for most people. I have friends who live in the same home though divorced in order to avoid dire financial consequences. Both virtually work opposite shifts. Lots of thinking to do. As far as your children are concerned you should both seek counselling for the sake of your children. Even if you split you will need to co parent them. You have to be united for them. Its important they dont lose either parent. That requires very adult behaviour from you both. It's important that you are reasonable in that and don't argue around them. Your divorce is not just about the two of you, it includesboth of you children too. That takes discipline and practice. My friends told me that things got easier when they'd finally come to an agreement to end their marriage through counselling even though they lived together. Their attitudes to each other are more respectful and it works well for their children the youngest of which is ten. They've agreed to sell when their children are eighteen. Of course problems come if you or he meet someone else. What ever happens I wish your family peace...always.

DreamTheMoors · 14/10/2024 03:40

My husband called me and said he wanted a divorce, but that he wanted things to stay just as they were — him living in one US state, me in another. He was having an affair and had a baby with her, unbeknownst to me.
I grew concerned that he’d file in his state which might’ve had unfavorable divorce laws, so I filed right away in California.
That made him beyond furious.
Even though he was the one who wanted the divorce, he kept me in court for months — and my final attorney bill was $85,000 in 1993, which would be $185,500 in 2024.
My advise to you would be to figure out how you’re going pay for housing your family and feeding them and how you’re going to pay for divorcing your uncooperative husband.
It isn’t cheap.

dottiehens · 14/10/2024 04:12

LemonTT · 10/09/2024 08:45

None of that is his mother’s responsibility to resolve or sort out. It’s on the pair of you. You don’t have to be in conflict.

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The reality is it can get absolutely unbearable for the kids as well and even the most mindful people break under the same roof. A lot of people go back to family or friends during during separation and divorce.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 14/10/2024 05:32

Yabu op and coming across as a bit entitled.

You need to start divorce proceedings now, he's shown he doesn't want to discuss this so you need to make it happen.

You can also start to receive benefits, so go onto entitled.com and work out what you could get.

You've got two choices, you either stay until the divorce is finalised and as part of that the house will be sold etc. Or you move out and rent somewhere until it's all sorted. Plenty of single parents do this. You could look at a part time job whilst the dc are at school if it's appropriate to boost your income.

5475878237NC · 14/10/2024 05:45

In every divorce I have known one person rents a room/flat/house somewhere, stays in a hotel or goes to stay with family at some point. It's only in the most awful controlling but not illegal situations have they all stayed together until the court forces sale of the house. It's just common sense for the person with a lot of disposable income to move out and regardless of where they're living to uphold the financial obligation to pay the mortgage.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 14/10/2024 06:01

What if it was a woman higher earner who's DH wanted her gone and said, move in with your mom, leave the kids here and keep paying the mortgage, nobody would think that was common sense and fair.

millymollymoomoo · 14/10/2024 07:14

@5475878237NC completely the opposite to my experience where every divorcing couple remained in the same house. Makes sense not to waste money that is ill afforded and to hand over control of timelines and appetite to progress to the remaining party

TheCoralMoose · 29/04/2025 03:28

Fullofpudding · 09/09/2024 20:04

Why should he be forced to leave and pay for a mortgage for a house he doesn't live in.

Exactly. I get you dont like him but he is entitled to a roof over his head too.

You want him gone but want him to stil pay for your house. Cheeky moo.

CandidHedgehog · 29/04/2025 14:26

Whenlifegiveslemona · 09/09/2024 23:36

it's the best option for the children instead of them being around constant conflict

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So since he’s refused to move out and it’s the best option for the children not to be around conflict but to stay in their home, when are you leaving without the children?

No? Not so fair when that argument means it’s you who needs to go?

BookArt55 · 01/05/2025 21:03

You view needs to change.
You can not make hom do anything, and given the friction he especially isn't going to.
You need to make steps to move forward. Look at Universal Credit etc, get legal help, get the house valued, apply for a divorce, get a full time job, etc. Do these things without telling him. When decisions need to be made if he is unwilljng to discuss then put in place what you feel is right for the children.
But you can't expect him to financially support you.

GreenwayHouse · 02/05/2025 22:58

Bloody hell, bit of a pile on in this thread! Sorry, OP. Hope you are doing ok.

Original poster
Whenlifegiveslemona · 04/05/2025 07:32

TheCoralMoose · 29/04/2025 03:28

Exactly. I get you dont like him but he is entitled to a roof over his head too.

You want him gone but want him to stil pay for your house. Cheeky moo.

Show quote history

OUR house

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenlifegiveslemona · 04/05/2025 07:34

thank you for adding this, this is exactly what my sentiment is. Its both our responsibility to have a happy home for our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenlifegiveslemona · 04/05/2025 07:35

right?! hence why i didnt bother adding any more to it.

OP posts:
McSpoot · 04/05/2025 07:39

Whenlifegiveslemona · 04/05/2025 07:32

OUR house

Show quote history

Then he can live there as long as he wants.

PaminaMozart · 04/05/2025 09:16

Your posts from today are a bit odd, @Whenlifegiveslemona - what’s going on?

Have you read the resources I mentioned in my previous post and checked out your potential universal credit entitlement?

Have you gathered all financial documentation and consulted with a family solicitor?

Have you gone back to work? What is your financial situation now - are you any closer to filing for divorce and supporting yourself?

Nothing is going to change unless you take charge and make it happen…

Baconking · 04/05/2025 09:25

Has nothing changed since you started this thread in September?

BlondiePortz · 04/05/2025 09:29

Well if you jointly own the house you can't force him, just get legal advice and take it from there

I presume if he left you will still want him to pay for a house he doesn't live in? It might be time to get more work and be financially secure yourself

Lovelynames123 · 04/05/2025 09:39

Are you really 8 months down the line and no further forward?

Apply for UC, you can get it if you've separated but still live in the same house. Once you've claimed you'll be entitled to a no fee divorce, although you'll have to pay for a financial order. Check out Wikivorce, mine cost around £400.

My xh wouldn't leave, so I did. I took money from our joint savings to rent somewhere, survived on UC and a low wage. 8 years later I'm buying my own place, he's in the marital home for another 7 years in accordance with our financial order.

It can be done, I scrimped for years and was lucky to have good parental support, but you need to actually do it!