Living with the mental load of a marriage break up

[trailblazer42]

How do you manage day to day headspace with marriage problems/separation/divorce going on?!? No real point to this other than to vent and see if anyone else feels similar.

My issues have been going on for a while, but stepped up a gear in February when a disagreement with my husband meant him stonewalling me and my daughter for a month, only broken by me telling him I wanted a separation. I agreed to stay and 'try' until it came to a head at the end of July again. We reached a point of me saying I wanted a divorce but then gave in we're back to 'trying' again.

I can't continue with this though and although I am crippled with guilt about hurting him, I know I need to physically leave in order to make the break and not go back on it, and I have booked an AirBnB for two months from the end of October until Christmas (no one knows yet). I need that time to get myself together and plan and because he is a teacher I want to go at half term so he has capacity to deal with it (I know, I'm a lost cause!).

But how do you focus on anything with all of this going on? I really can't remember a time when this hasn't been hanging over me and I struggle to concentrate on work, lack motivation and focus and then get annoyed at myself. I just feel like my head is always processing a million emotions and trying to manage our relationships at home, strike a balance so we can all live together for the moment. I see a counsellor weekly, speak regularly with a close friend and am also taking anti-depressants but I can't shake it.

You are not alone in this crazy world of fuck up land OP. I can completely understand where you are coming from as reality takes no prisoners.
We are trying - I've lost count how many times I've relented and gone back to him. Guilt maybe on my part is making me return and hope for the best outcome. But the writings on the wall for us. I'm playing it cool - and trying to grow a back bone...
So you are one step ahead of me. You've made your initial plan - that's both brave and commendable. You probably are stronger than you think.
So give yourself time - like I'm doing, to grieve the end of your marriage and take pride that you are doing the right thing in cutting free.

I spent years in this awful cycle of pain! It was very detrimental to my mental state and eventually I just left. He'd cheated on a spectacular scale and expected me to put up and shut up. I just couldn't get past it, it basically ate away at me. 4 years on when the children were a little older and able to understand I made a plan and we left - he wouldn't go! We now have a very nice new forever home, I'm no long consumed by him and life really is so much better. Please take those steps forward, it can get better but only if you're willing to take a leap of faith and roll with it. Best of luck!

Growing those back bones is tricky isn't it?! Trying to think of it as a different kind of strength need to go compared to the one needed to stay. Neither is easy but one has an element of comfort to it which is why it feels easier to stay. It's just all so tiring...the playing it cool when it's really not. I hope you get to a place where you can make plans.

So nice to hear a success story! Friend's keep telling me I shouldn't have to leave but I know he is never going to accept that it is over and do that.

He was the instigator of the silent treatment and I can't get past that he has said he did it to punish us. I moved to sleep in the lounge at that time and not once in his 'trying' phase has he offered our bedroom back to me. I think he thinks I'll eventually get fed up and come back but it has been since February! In July he said he wasn't leaving the house so time for me to go. My daughter will come as she's 15 but I'm not sure what my son will do as he's 18 and able to move easily between the two places.

Why these men think that we should put up and shut with it beats me. Their egos must take over their brains. Honestly!

For me, it's been a year with so many denials, so much gaslighting and narcistic behaviour, sweet talking, grand gestures of flowers, weekends away and expensive presents, yet on the flip side he can stone wall me and say cruel things.

HE can't understand why we cant move on -

so like you OP I'm consumed with anxiety and forever wondering if the hurt and pain will go. I wake up, work, go about my daily life, it's still there. I look at him and think do I want this? Part of me does. The old me.
A bigger part of me doesn't.
It's not easy after just celebrating our 42nd wedding anniversary to walk away from everything I've ever know. All our life built up and destroyed...and all for what?
He had an emotional affair lasting 5-6 months- to which he's adamantly denied "was going nowhere". He didn't even like her apparently 🤔 🤣

I 'love' the didn't even like her comment...bet that made you feel great!

42 years is a lot...we are 20 next June and I cannot face the thought of celebrating that. It would be ridiculous. I've had the grand gestures too, but also got told that I must be having a mental breakdown if I want to leave.

We have been together since I was 18 (24yrs together) so I understand how you feel about it being all you've ever known. I get flashes of excitment at the prospect of a new life then the guilt comes in...it really is a rollercoaster.

I will say that once you've gone, that mental load will vanish almost immediately. Once you extricate yourself you'll see with some perspective how bonkers it has been.

I so hope this is true. At points all I can see is battles ahead, and a list of challenges every time we get to something like a birthday or celebration let alone the big challenges like houses.

Yesterday I cried because if I move out no one will feed the birds (husband really hates that I do as they make a mess in the garden) and I've been doing it for years and I'm sad they'll be disappointed.

Have you been to marriage therapy? Addressed the stonewalling and any other communication issues?

You echo my exact thoughts OP it's all the little things than add up to consume you. That's because you and women like us have a conscious. We care. I care very deeply about my DH but in a separate vein, don't like the man he's become. We've actually known each other since we were 13 - and then married for 42 years. I thought we had the perfect life until my bubble burst with an almighty pop... go figure...

As for marriage therapy- I don't know about you OP, but we had two sessions back in November last year, whereby, my DH was told he had made some "serious errors of
Misjudgement". He considered himself told off and refused to return- saying he would "deal" with it himself. 🤔 and I'm still waiting.

I continued singlehandedly with my own therapy which has helped me to get stronger and see my marriage through someone else's eyes. Painful.

Honestly these sad men have no clue....

I don't know op. Another one here.

I know the painful truth of it is, I have to leave. Another one who was stonewalled here. Tried to reconciliate but it didn't work. I don't want to do marriage counselling. I am however, in the process of signing up for individual counselling. I'm getting my ducks in a row (but it seems to be a slow process). My dc are younger than yours (but not tiny) and another factor. This however, could just be an excuse. It is no way to carry on. The mental load is massive. My exit is slow. I remember someone saying it took a while to get into this marriage and it is taking a while to get out of it. It is really awful op and yes, exhuasting, I can't quite summons courage and yet, I know it has to be done, it's just prolonged agony. No words of wisdom here but I know a lot of people regret not doing it sooner.

Just checking in on everyone. I'm feeling a little lighter as I have my house is quieter now school term has started. Husband is a teacher so it's been intense over the summer but I now have a bit of space during the day which certainly helps.

Although I do start to fall into the trap of 'it's not so bad', 'I could cope with this' and then have to remind myself that those aren't states I should be living in. Just because it's not always awful doesn't mean it is right. And I know that me 'coping' in reality means a whole lot of unhealthy habits to get through.

Pleased to hear things are a bit calmer for you now the schools are back! Use that time productively 😉 plan plan and plan some more. It won't change, I spent years telling myself it wasn't so bad and a good friend reminded me just how horrible he'd been! I found writing in a journal very helpful, every time I had a wobble I'd read back - honestly some of it's quite tough to read. I also listed all the reason why I left / wanted to leave, this was a helpful reminder. I recall my ExH blaming the menopause for my demented ways - not once was it lever about the fact he'd stuck his dick in so many frigging women whilst working abroad. It's so sad there's so many stuck in this position, I wouldn't wish it on anyone as it consumes your soul. Now on the other side I know I did the right thing and would urge any women in that position to take that step forward, trust the process and start living life again. I'm also thoroughly enjoying watching the fat old bugger struggling to keep a house clean and load the washing machine 😆 even the cleaner left!

Rockingbird Your post made me smile.

The start of the new school year has made it easier for me also. I think it's true. It won't get any better. I'm finding it all so difficult to face but at least some of the pressure has lifted for the time being. I start some counselling next week. Other things are in motion too such as an appointment with a solicitor about my entitlement to assets etc. This has made it feel very real. I'm not going to act particularly quickly but having some more facts will put me in a stronger position I believe.

I’m not in the limbo, in that we are definitely separating. It’s been several years of him insisting he wants to save the marriage but his actions not reflecting that, so I said I couldn’t do it any more and that has an ended it. However we are still living together while we get the house ready to sell and I fully identify with the low motivation and difficulties with focus. Don’t be hard on yourself - it’s bound to be challenging. If you’ve not already tried couples counselling it might be worth it, even if just to separate well.
best of luck

I feel I’ve found my tribe. 47 years here, married 32 years. Retirement exposed the gaping holes in our relationship and then the affair; “cosy relationship“ he called it. Cosy relationship involving condoms and sex toys, yeah, right. And the tinder and bumble notifications popping up on his phone in the rare moments it wasn’t glued to his hand. Hacked apparently. I told him I was done 2 years ago and he just...ignored me. Pretended it wasn’t happening. It’s been so bizzarre. So I moved out into a rented house for 6 months. The day I left, after spending days moving my stuff out, he said “so you’re really going then?”. But the day I closed my new front door, all the stress, mental load, head spinning just evaporated. I have barely given him a thought. Still a long way to go, splitting assets etc so I can buy my own house but it will definitely happen.

I think fear of the unknown and the comfort of familiarity is what keeps people in these relationships. Change is really bloody scary. You've functioned as a couple for such a long time it's hard to see yourself separately. I think also you know each other, the good the bad and the ugly, you know what to expect. It's so hard. I think it's great you have a plan. You need to stay strong and follow through. I'm sure you'll grieve the relationship and even miss him. Even the biggest wanker isn't always a wanker and has redeeming qualities. Things will look very different this time next year.

I couldn’t have found this thread at a better (or worse :() time, I am also currently in limbo after finding out earlier this year that my husband of 15 years has been using escorts. I don’t even know how I feel now. So hurt and angry, numb, unwanted, lonely? Odd things I’d noticed over the past few months (if not longer) starting to make more sense now. We have primary age kids, thankfully I am working in a secure (as much as it can be) career, but the mental load of dealing with this on top of normal life load which he has never shared equally is exhausting and I struggle to concentrate on anything. The marriage was far from perfect, but never imagined it would end like this. Like some of you I am taking stock and getting my ducks in a row while I recover from the shock.

Sorry to hear that @Inshock45...what I huge thing to be dealing with. I completely understand the variety of feelings and I think that is the exhausting part. I am finding it hard to keep up with myself now. When I was 'just' unhappy it was easier and I only had to deal with that. Now I find myself dealing with his feelings, those of the children, and then a whole new range of feelings I have, as well as also worrying about the feelings of those around me when it ends, like our families.

I totally get it @trailblazer42 "it's not that bad" creeps in over and over again. I am furiously raging for an hour or so, and then it seems to dissipate and I pretty much forget about it and carry on. DH has just bought a kitten, against what all the rest of us wanted, has gone off to work and also a night out leaving us to care for a frightened baby animal. He let it sleep in a cold conservatory and gave it cows milk fgs... Then the other night when it leapt up onto the kitchen worktop over and over again while I was trying to wash up eventually smashing a plate on the floor and I finally lost my temper for once, he wandered into the kitchen from sitting watching tv to say "oh, defeated by a kitten are you? This wouldn't have happened to me, because it hasn't happened to me." And I immediately thought f*ck you, I am filling in the divorce forms tomorrow. But here I am, still not done. The form has been filled in and saved on my computer for two years. What does it take to finally do it? Searching online for local prostitutes? Not that. Leaving me to feel like a single mother for the whole of our kids' lives? Not that.
I have been through many counselling sessions but can't seem to take the advice I'm given. My head feels like it's full of cotton wool and that there is no room in there to deal with any of it. I forgot to make the kids' packed lunches for school yesterday, forgot to take my thyroid medication, and I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years. It's almost easier to limp along like this than deal with the drama he will make when I do eventually pull the plug. I'm with you OP. Hopefully someone will be along soon to drag us out of this nightmare.

Women tend to be people pleasers and find it extremely hard to flip the switch to please themselves for once.

Sometimes you have to be brave in life and live the life you want with the peace that brings.

@WinkyTinky my counsellor has never offered me advice which I'm grateful for. She lets me vent, challenges me on some of my language (I say 'I should...' a lot!) but generally lets me come to my own realisations on what I need to do. It's not easy to actually do it but it doesn't feel like I'm beng told what to do.

@Solotwo trying to think of it as being a different type of brave...sticking unhappiness out for years for the sake of everyone else is fairly brave for all of us. And the peace might be a long time coming. I have no doubt it will come but at the moment I just see the mental load shifting from surving the marriage to surving the fall out rather than it disappearing completely.

Thank you @trailblazer42 I think you have hit the nail on the head there. Until I found out what has really been going on I had resolved that we could hopefully continue until the kids were older etc etc even though I wasn’t really happy and living on eggshells (gaslighting and stonewalling) was so hard.

The kids aren’t aware of what I’ve found out but are definitely aware of previous arguments and times when their dad has pulled out of or spoilt family days/holidays etc. I find myself questioning whether what I know now really happened - since he has “apparently” realised what he did was wrong and now knows he doesn’t want to lose us (although at the same
time not actually saying sorry or being prepared to do counselling).

I am so glad I have the screenshots and have spoken to close friends but even then my mind flip flops between questioning if I should still just carry on (I know I can’t more than is necessary to sort things out), but I almost feel like the bad one right now for making the decision that enough is enough and I want a happier more stable life for my children and I. Before I found out the full extent of it all I thought we could try to move forward (because it was “just” the once - who was I kidding, it had been going on for at least 7 months - that’s as far back as I can see phone records).

It sounds like you find your counsellor helpful, it’s so good you have that - I’ve definitely found that between that and regular catch up with close friends that know is keeping me going. I keep a journal too, not everyday, but enough to try to dump things down to free up mind space and take any opportunity to get out the house to a bit of space. It’s not a fix but seems to help.

That was all a real essay I’m afraid, I’ve only just joined the site after using it for years.

So sorry to read this. Are you able to separate? Can you afford to go alone? What about custody of the kids? Will you share 50/50? Completely understand the weight of carrying this on top of everything else. I hope you make it to the other side to a happier life.

How are you all managing to live in these marriages? It's so hard isn't it.