Living with the mental load of a marriage break up

[trailblazer42]

How do you manage day to day headspace with marriage problems/separation/divorce going on?!? No real point to this other than to vent and see if anyone else feels similar.

My issues have been going on for a while, but stepped up a gear in February when a disagreement with my husband meant him stonewalling me and my daughter for a month, only broken by me telling him I wanted a separation. I agreed to stay and 'try' until it came to a head at the end of July again. We reached a point of me saying I wanted a divorce but then gave in we're back to 'trying' again.

I can't continue with this though and although I am crippled with guilt about hurting him, I know I need to physically leave in order to make the break and not go back on it, and I have booked an AirBnB for two months from the end of October until Christmas (no one knows yet). I need that time to get myself together and plan and because he is a teacher I want to go at half term so he has capacity to deal with it (I know, I'm a lost cause!).

But how do you focus on anything with all of this going on? I really can't remember a time when this hasn't been hanging over me and I struggle to concentrate on work, lack motivation and focus and then get annoyed at myself. I just feel like my head is always processing a million emotions and trying to manage our relationships at home, strike a balance so we can all live together for the moment. I see a counsellor weekly, speak regularly with a close friend and am also taking anti-depressants but I can't shake it.

Well done @MollyFitz - being with your family will make it so much easier. Good luck.

Thank you, nerves are starting to kick in and seeing his things as I pack is making me think and question, "am I being over dramatic? He's not that bad and there were definitely good years"

I've finally admitted to myself that I still love him, I can't live this military life and with him any more however, plus - he cheated and is or was on dating apps😞He needs help and our beautiful DD needs out from under his strict, controlling and excessive expectations, but this is by far the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I'm spiraling into fear, uncertainty and guilt again even as I type.

I feel your pain/ thoughts exactly! I'm going through exactly the same..fear, uncertainty, he's not so bad, yes I still love him after more than 35 years..it's a horrible, out of control self doubting feeling..usually in the middle of the night or when he's fallen asleep on the sofa and looks tired n old..but then something happens and he's so bitter impatient lacking in empathy and resentful that I remember what happened, the lack of true remorse (except for financial gain which he still hasn't denied) the still denial of having an online emotional affair..it's so bloody sad isn't it..our futures have blown up like a dust ball..never would I have thought it could happen, nir can I trust him emotionally (or financially it seems).
keep remembering how he treated you how he isn't trying to resolve yr marriage..go with the sad emotions..I keep reading this is just a chapter in our life book. You'll be ok..repeat several times a day.. I have my pets, grown up children and no other family..it's tough but we will come out of this

Thank you, truly spiraling at this exact moment, feeling so much anxiety, guilt and sadness - I'm moving away to family which are 6.5 hours away. I desperately need them, I've no support network here and I'm falling apart where we currently live but am freaking out about taking our 6 year old so far from him. I feel so guilty and stressed about it.

He has destroyed our marriage and broken me, but my heart also breaks and worries about taking her away from him. Can be a loving, good dad but he's also very strict, uncompromising, and has only started getting involved more since I said we're leaving. My head and emotions are fried again, I'm exhausted with all this and still don't understand how you do this to someone you love. I'm a mess, have put 6 Yr old to bed and am now just sat crying by myself, like I have to the last month.

How are you doing OP? I hope this isn't too nosey a question but how on earth are you affording counselling? My dh has left, I'm juggling ft work and the kids. Zero opportunity to speak to anyone. I'd love counselling but I'd always assumed it was v pricey?

I had a terrible day - fell down a dark well of doubt, guilt and anxiety. Also have a nasty cold and generally feel like utter crap. Thankfully a massive ugly cry and my mum coaxed me back onto a more even keel (if that actually exists for me at present)

It is expensive and using my savings, I feel it will be money well spent to get me to the healthy mum, with good boundaries and strong enough to get through what I know is coming next for DD. I want to be the kind of role model she needs me to be so she knows her strength, her worth and that she has mum at her side who will always be there.

I'm going to get her therapy too as soon as I can.

You’re doing so well @MollyFitz. At the end of the day there’s a lot of grief and loss to work through following the end of a partnership. This too shall pass. Think a year from today when you’re all set up in a cosy place that’s yours and this whole thing is behind you 💐

Thank you @MollyFitz I half hoped you were going to say you'd found some magical therapy fund! I can't afford to use my savings as I'll need to find somewhere to live, every penny counts at this stage!
But I'm glad you're able to do this, it's going to make a massive difference I'm sure.

My counselling is £45 a session and I’m having them weekly…just about to hit £1k on it this year. It is a scary amount but I’m in a reasonably comfortable position to pay for it. The hardest thing for me was paying for it without my husband seeing to start with. We’d never had anything other than joint accounts and I had no money I could spend without him seeing and questioning and I wasn’t ready to tell him about it to start with. I got a tax refund diverted to a new account I’d set up online and started using that and then managed to get money added when friends repaid me or I got expenses from work etc.

I wouldn’t have ever moved out without speaking to my counsellor about it. I’ve worked through a lot of emotions in the last nine months that I would never have been able to share with someone I knew.

@trailblazer42 that is a really sensible approach and I'm glad you can finance it!