Living with the mental load of a marriage break up

[trailblazer42]

How do you manage day to day headspace with marriage problems/separation/divorce going on?!? No real point to this other than to vent and see if anyone else feels similar.

My issues have been going on for a while, but stepped up a gear in February when a disagreement with my husband meant him stonewalling me and my daughter for a month, only broken by me telling him I wanted a separation. I agreed to stay and 'try' until it came to a head at the end of July again. We reached a point of me saying I wanted a divorce but then gave in we're back to 'trying' again.

I can't continue with this though and although I am crippled with guilt about hurting him, I know I need to physically leave in order to make the break and not go back on it, and I have booked an AirBnB for two months from the end of October until Christmas (no one knows yet). I need that time to get myself together and plan and because he is a teacher I want to go at half term so he has capacity to deal with it (I know, I'm a lost cause!).

But how do you focus on anything with all of this going on? I really can't remember a time when this hasn't been hanging over me and I struggle to concentrate on work, lack motivation and focus and then get annoyed at myself. I just feel like my head is always processing a million emotions and trying to manage our relationships at home, strike a balance so we can all live together for the moment. I see a counsellor weekly, speak regularly with a close friend and am also taking anti-depressants but I can't shake it.

But what about the decision you are making to stay and how that is affecting everyone?
It's like any inaction - it seems easier but can be just as harmful but we don't see it.
If you were single in your own house and were trying to decide whether to enter into your current marriage, what would your decision be?
I'm not downplaying the difficulties of change but sometimes it's hard to see the harm in the limbo of what we are actually in,

Just reading this thread, so many familiar stories and some good advice. It's 7 weeks since I finally said there's no way back, we're separating. Have done the dance for a couple of years prior to this and never any change.
The divorce application has been submitted, the house is going on the market imminently and hopefully we will both be able to buy something small locally, for continuity.

I am finding weekends the worst as he's just around all the time and I can't just go out to work etc.

The kids are early /mid teens and handling it exceptionally (but I k ow there might be bumps in the road).

I just want to fast forward to bit where this place is sold and I've moved on. I don't think he ever thought I'd go through with it and he's not really got his head around it yet. But I keep reminding myself that's not my problem.

OP, sounds like you're at the point of no return, and also sounds like you've got strength and ability waiting in the wings to get you through this. Good luck.

You're right...my decision to stay has really affected my daughter. She is only 15 so can't really consider the wider implications of it but staying isn't working for her.

I've just started reading 'Feel the fear...and do it anyway' and doing some daily journaling to help me get over the inaction. It's a mental block for the moment - I can see my life on the other side and I agree@Questionsandheartache that I just want to fast forward to the bit where it's all sorted.

I'm finding journaling helpful too. And I read Feel the Fear years ago and still rate it highly.

Spoke a lot with my counsellor about control this week...me wanting to control everything and that being what causes me stress. I hadn't thought about that but it's true. I feel like it is my job to control/manage everyone's feelings and reactions to a break up, and that that is physically impossible so I'm stressing about an unachievable goal.

Trying to focus on what I can control, which is my actions, the physical plans and timings.and my reactions to things. If I have them under control then I feel better. So I set up an account and started a draft divorce application and have applied for a credit card in my name. Also planning to do a clothing detox this week to get rid of things I don't wear anymore and separate out all my summer only clothes so that when it comes to leaving I can be quite practical about it.

So many similar testimonies! How many of our partners are undiagnosed ASD like mine?
I have often wished he’d been unfaithful - that would have made it so much easier to separate.

It has crossed my mind...he has a lot of typical traits and others have mentioned similar.

Also planning to do a clothing detox this week to get rid of things I don't wear anymore and separate out all my summer only clothes so that when it comes to leaving I can be quite practical about it.
Start decluttering the whole house under the guise of Autumn cleaning. It will make selling/moving a lot easier and it will focus your mind on what you would want to take. It kinda flips your mind more onto leaving than staying. Also do those little niggly jobs that will help with selling or EA photos. Clean behind wardrobes and inside kitchen cupboards, and throw out tatty old towels etc.

Start looking at each individual room and think seriously about what you would want to take, and what he could have/want, and whether an item is actually worth fighting over. I went from mine, mine, mine (most is from my inheritances or charity shops because he preferred spending on hobbies), to yeah, he can have that to I don't care enough I will buy new/charity shop. It's quite freeing tbh. I think I could now walk away just wanting the car , my DD and her bed, everything else is replaceable over time.

Yep I suspect my dh is, he’s masked it for 17 years and not been true to himself which isn’t fair. Our main arguments were about our Asd/adhd daughter and him gaslighting me about her difficulties saying it was my parenting etc. even threatening divorce if I started the pathway to diagnosis 🤦🏻‍♀️ he’s still adamant she just has anger and will grow out of it. And everyone is a bit autistic 🤦🏻‍♀️
It’s been really rocky for a few years and quite toxic, but whenever I spoke about struggling with everything I did plus working and school runs and all he did basically was go to work nothing ever changed. His reply was always I pay the bills 🤷🏻‍♀️
everytime I mentioned splitting it was me who had to leave with two children and move their schools etc cos I’d be leaving to a different town. So I always stayed and put up with it.
All came to a head in April, we were out with friends, I was sober he’d had a few, our daughter had a big meltdown in the car on the car park and mama bear 🐻 came out and called him out on his manhandling of her and someone called the police when my son got out the car screaming for us to stop. Wake up call.
He Came home next day and sat in bedroom for hours refusing to talk to me as punishment. Told the kids he was divorcing me and selling the house so they’d have to move. He took a suitcase and went to his parents.
This was when the rose tinted glasses fell off and I realised who he was. An emotionally abusive, lying, manipulative narcissist. I had embarrassed him in front of our friends so this was my punishment.
But from the day he left I felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders…..
Coming to terms with it all while dealing with a pubescent teenager and a sen child and my menopause, plus trying not to dwell on the fact I’m 50 soon is taking its toll. My hair has gone really thin 😞 but my house is the tidiest and most organised it’s ever been without his slobness 🤣 and we’ve gained 2 guinea pigs 😜
I am still here 5 months later doing great as a single parent but I was doing it anyway long before he left. But coming to the realisation we will have to sell our home and the kids will both have to move schools if I move back to my hometown where my family are.
Not in a position to buy him out until I retrain for a better job. So will have to privately rent an extortionate property with no security at all and leave him to sort the house sale and all the crap he has in the garage 🙄 I have no savings.
I feel happier but so scared for our future 😞

OP get selling an unwanted clothing on vinted and the money will soon mount up.
Twelve months ago the weight started to drop off me rapidly as I discovered my DH of 42 years had been keeping a secret. He careless made an error and since it was out of character for him, I was instantly suspicious. It took a further month of full faced denials before I had access to his phone for final confirmation. And all my world crashed.
He gaslighted , stone walled, love bombed me to the hilt.
Dh continued to blame me for mistrusting him, blaming the OW... go figure, he's a mid 60s grown man who obviously had no mind of his own!

Strangely our "slow inadequate" (both agreed) sex life was instantly reved up to insatiable levels following this revelation and still to some extent. Unless I rock the boat. His words, not mine. Then nothing happens, except stonewalling. So long as the subject directly or indirectly is not remotely brought up, we can have really good days.

So today, I'd been out working and on return, asked him for my blue light card back. The trigger happened when I asked if he'd started my Christmas shopping? Quite innocent. But astonished to get his thoughtless reply back.
"How do you know I've been shopping for you"? He now thinks I'm overreacting for being upset.
I've suggested he's a narcissist.

I live with it - I don't like it. At times I don't like him. Yet 45 years and a lifetime together is hard to evaporate.
My total weight loss - 4 stone. Physically I feel and look amazing!

You go OP take what little courage you have and leave with your head held high.

I have been reading this and not one of your husbands sounds nice. I am divorced. It’s hard, but you can do it. I think these sound like unhappy situations.

I've told one of his family how I feel. My head feels like cotton wool and I feel on the edge of collapse, so I had to say something. I am so tired and my life is so busy I am struggling to keep up with day to day stuff, although I always do. She wants me to talk to him but I am trying to convey to her in the gentlest way possible way that I'd be happier without him. He's away on one of his regular trips, and it would be so much easier if he didn't come back. I want him to be ok, but just to be ok elsewhere so I never had to deal with him again.

@WinkyTinky cotton wool is exactly the feeling.

I’m now in a weird limbo of knowing when I’m going to leave but it being a secret. I have four weeks although am away with work most of next week so only really three. Am second guessing myself on everything, feeling like I’ve imagined my upset and unhappiness and like I’m being unreasonable and irrational to not stay.

I feel so cruel leaving when he’s not really doing anything wrong anymore - he’s trying very hard to be who he thinks I need. But there is no spark anymore and it’s not coming back.

I'm so fed up now, the cotton wool feeling sounds about right at points.

It's taken me years to get to the point where I could stick to my guns and say I want to separate, and now I have, I'm stuck again, waiting for the house to sell. He seeks quite happy for it to take however long it takes and is carrying on as before. I feel like I'm suffocating and no one noticed.

I’ve spoken to my daughter today about moving out and discussed my plans. She’s really been struggling with how things are at home and has been quite angry about me being in the marriage if I don’t want to be (the joy of being 15!). We had a good chat about the practical things. I feel a bit lighter for talking to her although makes it very real.

@trailblazer42 must have been hard opening the conversation, well done. Will she stay at home when you go to the Air BnB?

It's so good you have a timescale and plan. There will be wobbles but you know you're doing the best for yourself and your family.

She will come with me, although will still be ‘home’ every day…just practically she does a local paper round and I will drop her at home and she’ll do that and then get ready for school and walk in with her friends as normal. I think this change will help her relationship with her dad…but it can’t get much worse really.

I've found that since I decided we're splitting, he's making a lot more effort to do things with the kids. I mean, not leaving the house, but actually engaging with them. I'm hoping it continues and when we're living separately he has a proper relationship with them.

Good luck OP and to all others going through the same or similar situations.
It's not an easy fix.

The house goes on the market this week and I’m so unbearably sad.
i became tearful at an evening work event this week and had to contact a helpline that evening because I felt so low and couldn’t stop crying.
I’m wondering if taking some time away from work would help. I don’t want to let anyone down but I also think the situation is affecting my performance and the last thing I need is to lose my job too.
im on medication for anxiety and low mood already.

@supercatlady separation, divorce, it's a massive thing to go through. It's definitely worth taking some time off and giving yourself permission to be sad and to rest. I had some counselling through the support at work scheme we have, maybe see if something similar is available?

@supercatlady my situation is definitely affecting my work. Concentration is awful and so is my resilience which makes everything harder. I have a week off when I'm leaving but am trying to get my work in place so that if I can't be there then someone can step in.

I've used the EAP at work and then moved to a private counsellor. My manager knows a bit about what is going on and but they're so short staffed that my absence would be a big problem and that is playing on my mind.

I am planning on using my annual leave for more random time off this coming year...just taking some time for me every couple of months.

I've been really struggling the last week or so as it gets closer to me leaving. I'm not struggling at all with leaving, just that pain barrier of doing it and the fall out. Trying to control panic attacks about it and it's so difficult.

This all sounds very similar: caught DH out having cheated (warned him his friendship with the woman was heading that way but he dismissed it as my insecurities for being 20 yrs older and perimenopausal to the OW)

We agreed to split - then we've swung back and forth between trying to make it work (26 Yrs together, 16 yrs married, and a 6 Yr old DD) I never told him I thought about staying, always said no we're done - I had one boundary: don't chest or we're done!

Since mid Aug we've been co-habiting and I've been trying to stay until just before Christmas, give him more time with DD and DD closure at school. He's ranged from gaslighting me, emotionally blackmailing me, getting in our DDs head, shouting at me he won't leave me alone, and sending fb post about marriages recovering from betrayal. He hasn't sought help for his MH issues, and interestingly, hasn't actually accepted full responsibility for what he's done - he says he was taken advantage of when he was vulnerable 😳🙄

I found out last week while professing his love me and wanting to save our family, he's had at least one profile on an online dating app.

He's been away for the last week with work, not work but adventure training which is him giving me space! He hasn't called or asked to speak to DD, wedding band is in his room.

I leave tomorrow, all week I've been slowly packing the house and stressing unbelievably about taking this big step. I'm terrified, I've spent more years with him than I have on my own, my head is also like cotton wool, and I'm scared of the fallout of leaving. I don't know how we're going to figure out access when moving 6 and a half hours away to be with family. We've a house to sell too. Emotionally and mentally I'm fried, empty and broken. He was the love of my life and I thought my soul mate.

That said, tomorrow we're gone, I'll phone him and tell him next week so he doesn't come home to an empty house.

Well done @MollyFitz I’ve definitely found leaving to be hard in a lot of ways but the relief from having my own space both physically and mentally makes it worth it.

Don't do this. Never go to counselling with a man like this. Sure, go by yourself but never with him.