Ex insisting our child arrangement schedule must align with his g/f

[kittycymraig]

My ex is saying our child arrangement schedule need align with his g/f's. This means he will not have any 1-2-1 time with the girls, they will only be there when her kids are there.

We have a schedule that aligns mostly and due to her summer schedule her weekends with the kids have flipped. He has just told me this a few days ago and is Insisting that I change weekends too. (With no notice or discussion)

I've said no and that it is unreasonable for him to ask this. (He has been with this women for over a year and apparently he didn't know)

His relationship seems to be on the rocks and he's said if I don't agree the relationship is untenable. Due to her splitting weekends with her ex, my kids will only be there 24 hrs before her kids come back to her anyway.

To put context into this, I have asked for discussions to find a schedule that we both can agree to and to tie up other loose ends of our separation over the past year. He has refused every time I have asked. He only now wants to discuss the schedule because he messed it up.

AIBU?

My ex had a controlling gf - to the point he wasn’t allowed to scans with me or our baby’s birth. She then had to do pick ups and drops off and all contact was via her so I literally could never co parent effectively

so he is saying swap weekends or… what? he won’t see them?

this is all on him it would seem

What schedule is in place currently and is he proposing?

much more relevant is

“my ex was utterly spineless”

Why can’t gf flip her weekends ?

Yes, I'm confused too. What is he actually saying?

because she co parents effectively with her ex and doesn’t prioritise her love life

Just keep saying no. If he doesn't have them when previously agreed he can explain why to the dc...

Absolutely not! Why on earth is he there when she has her kids?! Your DC will be feeling left out and will feel the need to compete for his attention. They'll feel like he is playing Daddy to this stranger's kids

He's not said he wouldn't see them.

Are you - is he - saying that if they don't align, his girlfriend will split up with him? Why?

so there you go

stick to plan

i’m guessing this is all informally arranged?

I think she is controlling. It's her schedule and he told me she won't have my children at her house unless her children are there too

and that is entirely her prerogative

she is only messing him around

whereas he is messing his children and you around

Ah - is it just her house? He doesn't pay to it at all?

so he moved in to her home

too right she doesn’t want his kids over when her children aren’t there

I'm in two minds in this. Part of me thinks you shouldn't accommodate him as it'll open the flood gates for him changing dates and you running around after him. But also that if it's no skin off your nose then just do it. Depends if it's a mountain you want to die on.

My ex had countless girlfriends and would swap and change when he saw the dc to suit himself and his gf. I ended up being the one thing myself in knots trying to accommodate him for the dc's sake. But in the end I just stopped doing it: if he couldn't see them, then so be it. He's better now the dc are older, not that's only because he can leave them alone in the house, not because he's realised the error of his ways and changed.

On the info given so far, I'm thinking - good for her. This isn't controlling, this is saying fuck no to having someone else's kids in her own house when hers aren't there. She's right.

Sorry, given the update I agree with her. She's protecting her small amount of child free time. Your exp probably doesn't have much say as it's her house. Ideally he needs to step up and get his own place although obviously that isn't always easy

His relationship with his gf is not your concern, nor is how they chose to juggle their childcare arrangements.

If it’s not inconvenient for you by all means swap, otherwise it’s a no.

Don't swap.

Your ex can sort out his own problems.

His gf is right.

If he wants to see his kids, he takes them out somewhere.

He has failed to sort out his own life, he sorts the consequences of that, not you two women rushing around changing plans and doing things you don't want to do.

Apparently it's a court order. However, I thought I'd both parties agreed they didn't need to go to court to change anything

court order or not

she’s not flipping weekends because SHE is prioritising her children and her co parenting relationship

and good on her

He lives there. Moved them in two weeks after they go together. 🙄