Ex insisting our child arrangement schedule must align with his g/f

[kittycymraig]

My ex is saying our child arrangement schedule need align with his g/f's. This means he will not have any 1-2-1 time with the girls, they will only be there when her kids are there.

We have a schedule that aligns mostly and due to her summer schedule her weekends with the kids have flipped. He has just told me this a few days ago and is Insisting that I change weekends too. (With no notice or discussion)

I've said no and that it is unreasonable for him to ask this. (He has been with this women for over a year and apparently he didn't know)

His relationship seems to be on the rocks and he's said if I don't agree the relationship is untenable. Due to her splitting weekends with her ex, my kids will only be there 24 hrs before her kids come back to her anyway.

To put context into this, I have asked for discussions to find a schedule that we both can agree to and to tie up other loose ends of our separation over the past year. He has refused every time I have asked. He only now wants to discuss the schedule because he messed it up.

AIBU?

The arrangement is informal.

Are you being inflexible for a reason? Ìts always best to make sure it works for both sides. If you can accommodate ĥis requests why wouldnt you?

Aw this is heart breaking for this poor guy ! His girlfriend is refusing to give up her child free time to parent his children for him ( for the small amount of time he has them).

And now his ex wife ( who actually does most of the parenting of his children ) is refusing to change the kids schedule to suit him !!!

And worse of all, his only alternative is to get his own place, pay his own bills, wash his own pants and parent his own children for an about 4 days a month.

Life is just so unfair, this is one of the saddest stories I’ve ever read on Mumsnet.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Lol. So right. The guy is clearly a useless cocklodger. I wouldn't be doing a thing to help him.

Does it affect you if you swap weekends? Or does it make no difference?

And seemed to have moved on very quickly!

He's using his girlfriend a default child care and doesn't want to do any parenting on his own.

Boo-fucking-hoo.

What a prince.

I have made plans over the next few months which were based on the schedule as is. (Things booked etc with and without kids)

Also, I have asked for compromise and minor changes and he has refused. (I asked him to take the kids once a month for an extra two hours and he refused).

This would not be reciprocated.

I think that's your answer then. "Sorry, I've made plans based on the schedule I was given." I might be inclined to remove d hin there was zero flexibility when you needed it, but that for the sake of the children, if you can be flexible you will be.

Please stop blaming the GF though. This is entirely on him.

I'd be looking at this from the children's perspective.

How well do your children get on with the GF's children?

Is there space for all the children to be there at one time? Or will yours be camping on a sofa/squished in a box room?

Does this change impact any hobbies or access to activities?

The issue of 1 to 1 is a bit moot. When they are in his care it's up to him who he/they spend time with.

What I'd be more concerned about is that their relationship is on the rocks. Is this actually true or just his narrative? If it is true then he needs to consider if placing his children in the midst of a volatile relationship and where they may make attachments to the GF and children that are then severed as being appropriate (it's obviously not).

Assuming the answers to the questions above raise no concerns when thrashed out I'd be inclined to be somewhat flexible. But make sure that's documented so any issues in the future and you end up in court, you can show you have always tried to be reasonable. In that sense it could be an ace to hold up your sleeve.

Your ex was a weak man. He shouldn’t have allowed her that power.

I think @S0CKPUPPET has it spot on.
He/they wants for them to have all the kids together to protect their 'child free' time. The result of this is that your kids never get to see their dad on their own, only ever as part of a larger blended family. I think his past lack of flexibility would mean that even if I didn't think the above was as issue (which I do) I wouldn't be quick to change anyway. You've made plans based on the schedule that was decided and that he has refused to change in the past.

The GF may be right but it's not OPs problem to solve, if he doesn't like her rules he can move into his own place, why should OP and his kids be messed around 🤷‍♀️

I understand the girlfriend’s reasoning and that it is not for you to solve.

Perhaps this is the time to get him to agree to what you want ie those extra 2 hours and whatever else then be flexible where you can. Would that work? Or do you want him to have 121 time with your dcs? And how old are your dcs? Do they feel at home at the gf’s house with her dcs present?

Completely agree he can get stuffed, but a thought crosses my mind:
You are tidying up the lose ends of your separation, have you secured your home? Is that sorted out?
It would be hell if he still has the right to move back in, and does because his 'relationship has become untenable'

@Allie47 I don't think either of the women (the op or the gf) or the kids should be messed around because of decisions this useless bloke has made. You may have misunderstood my point.

I think they should stick to the original dates and the father should take the kids out somewhere, maybe even to a hotel for a little break away if they were to be there overnight.

Once again, a man expecting a woman, doesn't matter which one, to solve the problems he's made.

Not sure why the GF is labelled as controlling. She is doing what your ex should be doing, she is prioritising her children. The blame here lies with your ex. We always find a way to blame the women in these situations.

If he's anything like my ex then he'll just stop seeing them. His GF always came first and his DDs very much second

He moved house from a small flat and it meant he couldn't see the DDs for two weeks. (He normally had them five nights per fortnight) I explained that most people move house in one day and plenty do it with the DC around

He said that he was working away for six months and had to drop down to every other weekend but during a phone call he gave away that he wasn't working away at all.

For your daughters sake I really hope he's better than my ExH

Can you suggest you change schedule from whenever your furthest away activity is booked? so they only have a few months of no child free time

If you can't/ won't swap (no reason you should), he will have to see your children elsewhere. I'm the new girlfriend in this situation, and I'm not looking after someone else's kids when I have my precious child free weekends. It would also feel really odd, my children gone, and I've got someone else's.

She isn't to blame here

I bet he wants the kids all together at the same time so his GF will parent them all together and he can sit on his backside. A hard no!

I would just say no as I have already booked things for the next X months based on the previous schedule and that you are happy to review it and swap to X weekend from xx/xx/xxxx the last date you have anything planned.

And if he kicks off just make sure you line up childcare if you need it to attend the child free things already booked

I would say no for the weekends / events for which you have plans.

But be prepared to flip after that.

It's her house and she gets to say who visits when.

Where did he live before this? Because it sounds like she's seen through him and he's going to be tossed out on his ear fairly soon.

Sadly in your position I'd probably reluctantly cancel the things I had planned to do without the kids. Your ex doesn't sound reliable enough that you can actually bank on him having them for those weekends.

Post of the day! 🏆