Ex Wife Boundaries

[Rsb1990]

Hi all

Please be kind!

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last 18 months. He has two daughters aged 15 and 17. I have a fantastic relationship with them. He has the girls 50:50 custody and pays his ex wife £500 a month maintenance (this is all legally sorted).

the issue is, I find his ex wife has zero boundaries. She phoned him everyday about something, these are absolutely not emergencies or issues that she can’t deal with (she also has a new partner who she lives with!). She is also constantly asking him for more money, he said when they were married she was a terror with money. He sent a pointed message a few weeks ago that he cannot send her any more money outside of the maintenance. For example, the 15 year old needed a new bra. She spent £200, yes £200 on TWO new bras for a 15 year old and demanded he send her his 60%. He’s started to put his foot down thankfully because that’s just ridiculous.

this summer, we took the girls on holiday for a week to Portugal. We saved for a whole year to take them away. They had a lovely time. It was also great for me to bond with them even more! The eldest took a gorgeous picture of the four of us.

fast forward a few weeks and my partner and I have gone on a mini break whilst his ex has taken the youngest to Cornwall (the eldest stayed at home). Whilst I’ve been away with partner, I received a really horrible message on our last night telling me to remove the picture the eldest took off of my Facebook profile. I would have understood if they were younger and if perhaps she perceived this as a safeguarding issue but she has photos of them on her social media (obviously that’s fine because she’s their mum!). She then sent my partner a rude message telling him “they are our children and your girlfriend has no right to put them as her profile picture”. I do not have this woman on FB so she has found me.

The irony was, I put the photo up so it didnt appear like I was just posting pictures of me and their Dad. I wanted them to feel included and part of the family (something the younger one commented on about Mum and her new partner and their lack of family photos!).

I find the timing of the message interesting and perhaps I am being paranoid but it seemed as though she waa trying to derail the holiday.

I am probably being silly but I am so upset by this. I genuinely have such a lovely bond with the girls and the odds are, I will never have my own children (he’s 19 years my senior). I’ve never ever interfered with any parenting or crossed any boundary. As far as I am concerned, love for me is not unconditional so I need to ensure that.

What are your thoughts?

Doesn't matter if she had the bras custom made at Rigby & Peller. That's none of your business.
you don't get to pass judgement on her spending habits & you only have his word that " She was a terror with money "
Rather than use the photo as your profile pic, you could've just posted it on your wall. Then, when she went snooping, she wouldn't have seen it.

the way you've worded it is just ex bashing. Not cool

You need to grow up!! I bet you knew exactly what you were doing when you used the photo as your profile picture. You obviously don’t like the ex. Go and find a younger man and have your own kids…

I'm not sure it's the ex-wife that has boundary issues....
Posting a picture on Facebook, ok with permission, posting it as your profile picture, inappropriate.
What he pays to his ex is really none of your business.
Take a step back

@Snoken yes I understand that

but it’s not up to the ex to dictate what she buys then demands more o money from
op
partner

she should provide for her children too and live within means. And we don’t know if the guy here is high earner or not. .

Sorry, I thought you were talking about the maintenance in general. Agree with you that the bra's are expensive. Especially for a teen.

I wouldn't be best pleased about my children being in a family FB photo but l have blocked her so l won't see it. I suspect she doesn't like that he is in a new relationship.

The issue is your dp lets her do it. Your issue should be him not putting boundaries in place.

This!
I’ve been a step mum for 15 years, known them for 20. Have great relationships with them and their mum. No way would I ever put a ‘family’ photo of us as my profile - feels inappropriate. OP - this made me cringe a bit.

You can tell from the posts who are the exs and who are the new partners! I'm on both sides. I have 2 step children (married to their dad and we also have 2 children together) and a child with my ex. So 5 all together! I am really happy in my life and I would love my child with my ex to have a nice, caring, involving step mother. I think you're intentions are good but maybe just a bit too soon. She's obviously still hurt so you do have to take her feelings into consideration. I understand your perspective though as I'm always conscious of including SC as I would hate to just put photos of me, DH and my children on and exclude them. My ex has my child 50% and so I never went through CMS. We just decided we pay our own way and then spilt anything extra that comes up. But we are very good friends now so have never tried to sabotage each other (even though we split due to his infidelity). I think asking for extra money because she has no sense when it comes to finance is not fair but leave that to him to stamp out. Children are the most wonderful part of life so I would really have a serious think about giving that up for a boyfriend of 18 months. You could find a man who wants children who you love as much as him, if not more with the bond of your own children.

I’m with a couple of other posters — I don’t think the OP’s intentions are good at all. I think she wants to play happy families with someone else’s kids and make the ex (who she clearly has no respect for) feel jealous.

In my experience most ex wives couldn’t give a shit about their ex having a new girlfriend. They do care about that new girlfriend acting like the children she gave birth to are hers though.

Oh, and don’t block the ex wife OP. It’s childish and it’s not going to go down well with the DDs if they find out.

On second thoughts I think you are just better off out of this relationship, for everyone’s sake.

I’m neither. I’m just married a long time. I stil think she has an ulterior motive posting the profile picture.

You have not clue of being a parent of two teenagers and how expensive they are. The emotional aspect of it all. I can see why she needs to be in touch regularly. It is not easy.
I have not idea of the details but £500 a month is not a lot for two teenagers. Things are so much more expensive and going up all the time.

The age difference makes me feel prejudiced about your partner. I wonder if he has been economical with the truth. If you do not want any of this get someone younger and kids free. However, at least the teenagers are almost adults so this would be over sooner than if they were young kids.

If see tagged her partner then his friends will see the post and maybe he still shares some friends with the ex even the ex herself

Yeah the OP seems out of touch about what all is involved in raising children. If they didn't talk, she'd ding the mom for not being interested. It's mighty big of her to say she wants to include them in their own family, isn't it?