Ex Wife Boundaries

[Rsb1990]

Hi all

Please be kind!

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last 18 months. He has two daughters aged 15 and 17. I have a fantastic relationship with them. He has the girls 50:50 custody and pays his ex wife £500 a month maintenance (this is all legally sorted).

the issue is, I find his ex wife has zero boundaries. She phoned him everyday about something, these are absolutely not emergencies or issues that she can’t deal with (she also has a new partner who she lives with!). She is also constantly asking him for more money, he said when they were married she was a terror with money. He sent a pointed message a few weeks ago that he cannot send her any more money outside of the maintenance. For example, the 15 year old needed a new bra. She spent £200, yes £200 on TWO new bras for a 15 year old and demanded he send her his 60%. He’s started to put his foot down thankfully because that’s just ridiculous.

this summer, we took the girls on holiday for a week to Portugal. We saved for a whole year to take them away. They had a lovely time. It was also great for me to bond with them even more! The eldest took a gorgeous picture of the four of us.

fast forward a few weeks and my partner and I have gone on a mini break whilst his ex has taken the youngest to Cornwall (the eldest stayed at home). Whilst I’ve been away with partner, I received a really horrible message on our last night telling me to remove the picture the eldest took off of my Facebook profile. I would have understood if they were younger and if perhaps she perceived this as a safeguarding issue but she has photos of them on her social media (obviously that’s fine because she’s their mum!). She then sent my partner a rude message telling him “they are our children and your girlfriend has no right to put them as her profile picture”. I do not have this woman on FB so she has found me.

The irony was, I put the photo up so it didnt appear like I was just posting pictures of me and their Dad. I wanted them to feel included and part of the family (something the younger one commented on about Mum and her new partner and their lack of family photos!).

I find the timing of the message interesting and perhaps I am being paranoid but it seemed as though she waa trying to derail the holiday.

I am probably being silly but I am so upset by this. I genuinely have such a lovely bond with the girls and the odds are, I will never have my own children (he’s 19 years my senior). I’ve never ever interfered with any parenting or crossed any boundary. As far as I am concerned, love for me is not unconditional so I need to ensure that.

What are your thoughts?

How long ago did they break up and were you the other woman? It sounds like you are purposely trying to out do her.

It's all too much involvement way too soon. You have only been seeing their dad for a year and half. You are not his almost adult daughter's step mum, you are just their dad's girlfriend. You need to take a step back and just continue to date the man, but not pretend that you are now a family. The girls have a mum and a dad and they have been sorting this between them for many years until you came on the scene. It seems to be working for the kids and that's all that matters here.

This. I saw the age gap question as related to the fact he's had the chance to have and raise his own kids, and you're not getting that chance. That's a huge thing to give up if you want them.

If my ExH's new girlfriend put up photos of my daughter's on her profile pic like a happy family photo, I too would feel miffed.

We know what young girls are like. They may say yes to your face but not feel in a position to really refuse.

They are co-parents. They need to communicate with each other for the sake of their daughter's.

I suspect you are the one overstepping.

Did you ask the girl’s’ permission? And did you tell them it would be your profile pic? It’s a really awkward thing to refuse so they may have said yes at the time because they felt uncomfortable saying no and then asked their mum to intervene.

You risk ruining the good relationship you have with them if you continue to overstep - remember that from their pov you are the interloper into the family, not them.

I would take down the picture, they are not your children and I wouldn't be posting photos of them. 18 months isn't very long, it's not like you have an established relationship with them for years.

The contact between your partner and his Ex is for him to sort out, as is the spending on things for the children. Don't get involved. It's not your business.

You do sound like you’re trying to compete with their mother and also as if you are filling the gap of not having your own children by furiously bonding and putting photos up of these teens.

i would suggest you lean out a little. The money he gives his ex and the contact is not your business. Maybe you need to find a man of your own age without children as you cannot handle a single father and all that goes with it.

This.

and I’m team step mum. I agree with the comment about your boyfriend not setting boundaries and he needs to do that. She is taking the piss, but that’s his issue to deal with

you barely know this guy, and you don’t have a say in any of this. Sure you can give him an opinion, but that’s it.

as you putting other peoples kids on your fb, that’s not on. You can’t be much older than they are and it does all look like you’re a wannabe replacement for their mother. Your intentions may not have been bad, but it’s a mistake nonetheless

nobody is ever going to like that.

I do think it’s hurtful to the ex that you put a picture of you and her/his daughters as your profile pic. It’s not necessary. I’m not a bit precious about my dc (same age as his daughters) but I would be a bit put out in the same situation, thinking what did she do that for? Who does she think she is?

What do you mean by ‘love for me is not unconditional’?

what did the ex actually say - was she rude or did she just ask you to take it down?

Let your dp deal with this. Listen to his complaints but don’t get involved. What did your dp think about the photo? Is it ok with him? The eldest will be an adult soon and the parents wont be in charge of them anymore.

Lots to unpick

i disagree that your partner and ex have lots to discuss that involves daily communication

at those ages I barely spoke to my ex ( and we had amicable split and remained friendly!) most communication would simply be on WhatsApp like, do you know it’s parents evening next week or the like. He should set some boundaries.

re Facebook / ultimately if kids and partner are ok to put photos up just ignore the ex and make sure your account is locked. I do think profile pic is weird. An album of holiday pics of which they are in some, fine

you are young enough to have children, don’t waste it if you want them but are with a man who no longer wants more. He’s ok as he had them. You don’t. Find someone who does

if he has genuine 50:50 he wouldn’t have to pay child maintenance unless he was a very high earner in which case it might still be due. Anything beyond this he can simply say no to paying or simply buy stuff himself. Ultimately that’s nothing to do with you and your partner needs to sort it out.

all this, I have a fantastic relationship with the kids - it’s fine to get on, be caring etc but after only 18 months you do seem rather full on.

1. I don’t think that you, as someone 18 months into a relationship and not a lawyer or mother of the girls, have any place to discuss how finances are split about bras or other stuff, I’m afraid. That’s entirely up to your partner, his ex wife and the law.

2. from the perspective of mother, I can well see that she would be hurt by you making your actual profile pic, a ‘happy family’ pic. They are not your girls. You are a new person into their lives and whilst it’s lovely that you’re making an effort and even better that you all get on, I think your profile pic may be overstepping the boundaries.

if you intend to stay in this relationship, contrary to the advice of another poster, I would not aggravate the situation or upset the girls by blocking their mother. I’d change the profile pic and back up a bit. Go slower.

I do think putting his kids in your profile pic was a bit much OP

You overstepped the boundary by making the photo your profile picture.

Some time back a friend was very annoyed to see her ex's new wife posting photos with 'so proud, blessed, etc' of the son's graduation - the son whose father barely paid a penny in maintenance for the preceding 21 years, and often let him down by not turning up for visits, but then he and his new wife want to crow and boast at how lovely the lad turned out.

You need to be sensitive with photos of someone else's children.

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last 18 months

We saved for a whole year to take them away

So you’d been dating for 6 months and already acting like you’re the children’s mum?

I think you’ve gone full in too quickly and made her very wary of you.

Cool it all down a bit. Act like you’re a friend of their dad’s, not like you’re their newer, more fun mum.

I agree with this too.

@Rsb1990 think about it from the perspective of his ex for just one second.

and it doesn’t matter what the actual truth is, you being almost 20 years younger is going to look like you’re the newer model she’s traded in for. Nobody wants to feel old/redundant/replaced, even if she was the one to drive the divorce

we had the kids demanding £300+ headphones “for school work” and the ex was addicted to trying to extract as much money as possible from my oh, but he pushed back, got headphones for 10% of that cost, said no and ignored ridiculous requests for years until it sunk in that the bank of Ex was closed.

I also agree with the comments of you not settling for being a passenger in someone else’s life. You’re committing yourself to a guy who won’t ever want kids or a family with you, has an ex and kids to consider for the rest of his life

you must have low self esteem if you think this is all you’re worth. You’re young, single and no kids, in the big wide world you’re a catch! He’s not even minted! What’s the benefit for you to give up your future from someone who has most of his life now behind him?

dont be so afraid to forge your own life, it’s there waiting for you to find it.

Agree on both counts!

Your dp is only providing each child £62.50 a week which is not that much if you think about how much teens eat and need in terms of clothes and transport etc and agree with pp that that is a private arrangement between him and his ex.

And I think putting a family picture on your Facebook profile as tactless on the extreme. Sorry op, your intentions may be good, but you need to step back a bit.

The Bank of Ex is a bit of an unfortunate phrase isnt it, given that he is the children’s father?

I mean a lot here doesn’t make sense.

He has the kids 50:50 but also has to pay £500 per month in CMS. That would suggest he is a high earner. But then you make a big deal about how you both had to save for a whole year for a holiday to Portugal. Which suggests he isn’t a high earner. You know the ins and outs of how much their daughter’s bras cost but no clue why he is paying her £500 per month since he is 50:50.

And who agrees to book a holiday for a years time with their boyfriend of 6 months and his kids. I would presume you hadn’t even met them that point. But to spend a whole year saving from 6 months in suggests you were very deeply and overly (emotionally) invested very early on.

I wonder if the Facebook profile photo is one in a long line of things where you have, in her opinion, over stepped regarding to the children.

It doesn’t sound like she gives a shit you are with him or that she cares he has someone new. It sounds like she in bothered about your behaviour when it comes to the children.

@Butwhataboutthelastcopy but he has them 50% of time and will be housing, feeding etc during that time. Ex should do the same

it’s not up to the bloke to pay for everything

The kids should have fairly equal standard of living regardless of if they are with their mum or dad that's why high earning dad's (sometimes mum's) pay even if they have 50/50 care.

The bra thing was clearly the OP giving context. £200 for 2 bras for a teenager is clearly not normal. And it's not reasonable to ask for more money to cover ridiculous luxury purchases like this.

The kids are HIS family yes. The OP wants them to feel included in THEIR family. Totally different and totally normal

I know some families that have 50:50 custody and get no maintenance even where one partner earns significantly more.

ask the kids if they mind the photo. Block the ex wife from all social media platforms.

the age gap doesn’t matter but do you want your own children while you are still young enough to have the choice. If you do and he doesn’t then you have a hard choice a hard choice ahead of you