Ex Wife Boundaries

[Rsb1990]

Hi all

Please be kind!

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last 18 months. He has two daughters aged 15 and 17. I have a fantastic relationship with them. He has the girls 50:50 custody and pays his ex wife £500 a month maintenance (this is all legally sorted).

the issue is, I find his ex wife has zero boundaries. She phoned him everyday about something, these are absolutely not emergencies or issues that she can’t deal with (she also has a new partner who she lives with!). She is also constantly asking him for more money, he said when they were married she was a terror with money. He sent a pointed message a few weeks ago that he cannot send her any more money outside of the maintenance. For example, the 15 year old needed a new bra. She spent £200, yes £200 on TWO new bras for a 15 year old and demanded he send her his 60%. He’s started to put his foot down thankfully because that’s just ridiculous.

this summer, we took the girls on holiday for a week to Portugal. We saved for a whole year to take them away. They had a lovely time. It was also great for me to bond with them even more! The eldest took a gorgeous picture of the four of us.

fast forward a few weeks and my partner and I have gone on a mini break whilst his ex has taken the youngest to Cornwall (the eldest stayed at home). Whilst I’ve been away with partner, I received a really horrible message on our last night telling me to remove the picture the eldest took off of my Facebook profile. I would have understood if they were younger and if perhaps she perceived this as a safeguarding issue but she has photos of them on her social media (obviously that’s fine because she’s their mum!). She then sent my partner a rude message telling him “they are our children and your girlfriend has no right to put them as her profile picture”. I do not have this woman on FB so she has found me.

The irony was, I put the photo up so it didnt appear like I was just posting pictures of me and their Dad. I wanted them to feel included and part of the family (something the younger one commented on about Mum and her new partner and their lack of family photos!).

I find the timing of the message interesting and perhaps I am being paranoid but it seemed as though she waa trying to derail the holiday.

I am probably being silly but I am so upset by this. I genuinely have such a lovely bond with the girls and the odds are, I will never have my own children (he’s 19 years my senior). I’ve never ever interfered with any parenting or crossed any boundary. As far as I am concerned, love for me is not unconditional so I need to ensure that.

What are your thoughts?

Why is your dh paying £500 pm if he has 50:50?

Why did you have to save for a year for holiday?

Do you want your own dc? 19 years is a massive age gap. Ok now but fast forward 20 years...

Why does your h let his ex get in touch every day?

The Facebook thing. I'd send a short message to the ex saying it's none of her business, the dc were happy with the photos, then I'd block her. She's a CF.

It’s something to do with the fact that she’s part time? I’m not entirely sure but it went through solicitors and I’m sure it’s along the lines of because she worked part time whilst she had the children, she’s entitled to a certain amount, I really don’t understand tbh but I’m not a lawyer.

thank you for the comment on age gap. My parents have been married for 35 years (my age) and have a 19 year age gap. My grandmother was also married to my grandfather with a 25 year age gap. I’m afraid no on here will convince me otherwise about this but that’s for a different thread :)

She contacts your partner every day because he lets her. He needs to install the boundary there and maintain it.

Assuming you checked first of all with the 15 and 17 year olds about the photo being made public, you just need to ignore her and block. If you didn’t ask them first, make sure you do in future but to be honest I would still ignore and block.

Excellent advice - thank you :)

Surely you have their father’s permission to post the photo? In which case, she can’t do anything about it. I would be upset if someone posted a photo of my kids on social media but then I don’t post pictures of them either.

Did she message you on Facebook? I think you should just block her. There is no reason for her to contact you directly.

Forget the father did you ask the children's permission ??

You posted this exact thread in another section just a couple of days ago. Are you hoping more people will pile onto the girls’ mother who you so clearly dislike this time?

@Rsb1990
Is the money arranged through the CSA?

Did you ask the young women's permission to post their images on FB?

Why are you involved with the buying of the 15 year old's underwear?

How long have they been separated?

These are your partners issues not yours.

I hope you have discussed with your partner the issue of having more children. At 36 you still have a few years left to have your own children.

I don’t see the relevance of your parents age gap. I agree with other posters 20 years is huge. He is the same age as me and I’m looking to retire soon.

Do you and this current boyfriend live together?

To be honest I would be a bit suspicious about whether your boyfriend is telling you the truth re child support/maintenance whatever. It seems very odd he has them 50/50 and still pays her.

As an aside why don't you think you'll have children of your own, doesn't your boyfriend want any with you?

You need to lock down your facebook so only friends can see your posts and photos, if she can see them despite not being a friend, anyone else can and that is a privacy issue. Posting a picture was always going to be an issue.

Otherwise the issues are his not yours. At 15 the elder will be in a position to receive at least part of the allowance (very generous for 50/50) directly to buy her own clothes, pay for school lunches and travel plus whatever else the money is funding (it is normal for cooperative parents to transfer some money to the other to save schools billing both parents for instance and to cover uniform etc)

You do know that the bras and the maintenance isn’t any of your business?

They’re not your children and you don’t get to use them to fill a gap just because you don’t have your own children and you’re going out with their dad.

18 months is no time at all, this is a very new relationship when there are children involved.

Did you ask the girls’ permission to put their photo on social media? Did it occur to you how that might have made their mum feel?

Sorry, harsh questions I know, but there are SO many of these threads with young new girlfriends with no kids totally overstepping the mark.

She phoned him everyday about something, these are absolutely not emergencies or issues that she can’t deal with

They are parenting two teenagers between them. It’s hard. There are a lot of things to sort out. I’d say I’m in touch with my ex over something or other most days too. You have no idea what raising teens is like remember.

I wanted them to feel included and part of the family

Er, they ARE his family. You’ve been with him for a year and a half…

Also, you’ve been together 18 months (I’m betting you don’t live together) and you’d been saving for the holiday ‘for a year’?? That was very confident forward planning.

Edited to add that I’ve just realised you didn’t just put the photo on Facebook - you used it as your PROFILE PICTURE.

Wtf? They’re not your kids OP.

None of your business really is it.
Take a huge step back.
Or better still get someone your own age and have your own kids.

I think you comment about your relationship to the kids bonding with you in relation to you having no kids, suggests you are looking for them to fill that gap. That’s not ok.

I can’t imagine their DDs, really care if you include them on photos on your own Facebook page. Did you ask them if they were comfortable about it?

Though at 36 I am unsure why, if you want kids, you are so sure you won’t have them. Is it because of his age? If so then that is an issue.

I know my adult daughter wouldn’t be happy about her dad’s girlfriend posting photos of her. She likes her, but she wouldn’t be happy about that. Dd is an adult though so I wouldn’t step in. I get posting the photo, but having it as your profile picture does give the impression you are trying to present them as yours. This whole thing can be very emotive for people. She may feel you are the one over stepping boundaries. You may not think you are over stepping. But I am sure she doesn’t think she is either.

The ringing him about things, is entirely for him to resolve and honestly, some co parents are like that. If he doesn’t like it he can not answer.

Again, the money issue is entirely up to him to sort.

Theres not much here for you to do.

I don’t think you should have his daughters as your profile picture.

It’s nice that you get on with his children but it does sound a bit much overall maybe because you don’t have your own children?

You don’t need to get so involved. If he is moaning about bras, tell him to sort it out with the ex. Surely it’s just adding to your stress about the ex and you don’t need that. I would just back off a little bit and let him get on with it. The maintenance issues might change in the next couple of years if one of them is 18. in any case, like you said, it was all agreed officially when they divorced.

I'd be really unhappy about another woman who had known my kids less than 18m putting family photos online.

That’s a very generous amount of maintenance for someone who has 50/50 care of his children. Absolutely correct to refuse any more. If the girls request extras while they are with you on an ad hoc basis it’s up to him whether to provide, but I wouldn’t be sending her any more money CF!
Just ignore the Facebook thing. If the girls gave their permission then that’s all she needs to know. A quick ‘the girls were happy with the pictures so they’ll be staying on, thanks’ will suffice. If they weren’t in the pictures no doubt she’d be moaning you didn’t include them.

Putting a pic on fb is one thing, using it as your profile pic is another.

Maybe you are the one overstepping boundaries, not her

My husband is on his second marriage and so there is an ex wife and a step daughter.

I'd find it difficult if she was contacting this much and whilst I know the spousal maintenance and money aren't really my business, it would be hard not to have an opinion about it (especially 200 for 2 bras).

I'd block her on Facebook and ask your partner to have a chat with her about boundaries but also about contacting you - it's not ok for the direct contact. If she was upset she could contact him.

However you don't want the kids having to deal with stuff I'd maybe take the photos down and chat with them about ensuring they feel included / like a family / not excluded by yours and DPs relationship. There are loads of other ways to do this that don't cause friction, whether that friction is reasonable or not.

Also, I say this really gently as I think your intentions were nice but if she is struggling with sharing her kids with you, then I can understand why it might hurt to see that picture and maybe it is a bit too much or she's not ready to have seen it (we have all googled people and regretted it).

Child maintenance is based on income. A high earner is still liable to pay even if they have 50/50 shared care.

But again, not really anything to do with you is it. Sorry to be blunt.

18 months is not long OP. The ex understandably will be highly protective of her children especially if she does not have a relationship with you.

Due to her being the mother of those children, you do have to consider her in all of this. I would say there was no need to post a photo on a public platform at all yet, with or without children.

You may get on very well with the children now, but when their mother is hurt you will lose them.

Use some care and consideration going forward.

Putting the pic as your profile is weird! No wonder the ex is annoyed, she’s probably a bit 🤨 about her ex getting together with some young enough to be his daughter too. Did he have some kind of midlife crisis? Were you the ow? Whatever the circumstances a bit of empathy wouldn’t hurt. It sounds like you are desperate to be included in their (your dp & his dds) family, rather than making them feel part of your family ( you and your dp aren’t a family). Also, you really need to think about whether you can be happy without at least trying to have your own baby - it sounds like the idea of a family is very important to you.

I’m sorry OP but you need to grow up.