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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Telling the child the truth…

52 replies

Yogazmum · 26/07/2024 21:20

XDH admitted a few weeks ago to having an affair. He has met someone else through work and has ‘fallen in love’ with her.

We have a child who is 11.
We haven’t told the child we are separating yet but plan to do so over the next few days.

XDH doesn’t want to tell the child he has met someone else… wants to do the ‘we love you but we don’t love each other..’ route.

i disagree. I want to say we love you but Daddy has fallen out of love with mummy because he’s fallen in love with another lady.
It will be age appropriate and I feel he’s old enough to understand.

XDH is very keen to move on quickly, buying another house and having the new partner move in with him so the child will meet the new partner pretty soon.

i feel XDH is trying to absolve himself of his guilt by not telling the truth and fear the child will think it’s my fault for asking Daddy to leave the marital home as i’m hoping to keep it for a while after the divorce/finances are sorted.

Any advice from those who have been in a similar position ?

OP posts:
EmmyPankhurst · 26/07/2024 21:23

I think you need to keep it neutral. We love you but no longer want to live together/ be married.

If your exDH moves on as fast as you say he is going to it will soon become apparent that there is overlap. With time your son will realise the consequences of this.

At age 11 he doesn't need to burdened with your hurt (sorry, I know it's probably hideously awful). But you need to vent about his shitty behaviour to other adults and protect your DS a bit. This is going to be bad enough for him as it is.

Newyorkcity123 · 26/07/2024 21:25

I’m very sorry for what’s happening. I have a close relative and best friend who were in similar positions. Having seen the major trauma caused to the children concerned I would say do not tell child exactly what has happened. It will only deeply hurt them. Just tell the child that you both love them but are separating. That’s the kindest thing to do for the child. Be the bigger person.

millymollymoomoo · 26/07/2024 21:26

I don’t think you need to tell the child no.

he doesn’t need to know that and it doesn’t serve any benefit to him.

StormingNorman · 26/07/2024 21:26

This discussion with your child is not an outlet for your anger. Go with your ex husband’s approach and keep it neutral. We love you but we don’t love each other.

Esme20 · 26/07/2024 21:27

I would tell your child the truth. He’s 11, not 5.

Sunshineafterthehail · 26/07/2024 21:29

Why lie? Allowing you exh to stay on his pedestal is unfair on ds... His df isn't a hero he's a fucking cheat.. Hardly a man to look up to.

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/07/2024 21:36

Don't tell him right away.

XH won't be able to hide it especially if he plans on moving in with her quickly. Kids figure things out pretty fast on their own.

2sisters · 26/07/2024 21:45

I don't know, part of me say tell the truth. My uncles wife had an affair. He caught her shagging someone else with the kids in the house. He kept that secret and they treat him like shit. They blame him for leaving them. The other part of me thinks it's better to say nothing and minimise the hurt for the child

MulberryBushRoundabout · 26/07/2024 21:49

Keep it neutral. He will figure it out sooner or later, and if he asks you directly you can tell the truth. You could say that Daddy has chosen to move out, to head off your concern about you being blamed. But, I say this gently, it is very likely that at some point your child will blame you. That’s just how children’s emotions work. One of the hardest parts of divorce is not exposing your children to the anger and blame, but it’s very important.

Singleaftermarriage · 26/07/2024 21:50

I told my children as they were blaming themselves and begging me to take him back. Once I told them, they were upset but they understood and actually they are fine with their dad. My kids couldn't understand why it had happened as they had never seen any issues. I didn't find out about the affair until 3 weeks after we split. Them knowing started to draw a line for them and their acceptance of the situation started.

millymollymoomoo · 26/07/2024 22:07

It’s not about putting him on a pedestal

it’s about separating the husband wife relationship issue with the parent child one.
he doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of adult relationships

LemonTT · 26/07/2024 22:16

If as an adult you are struggling to process the end of a marriage and cheating how do you expect a child to deal with it?

Original poster
Yogazmum · 26/07/2024 22:38

The child wouldn’t be expected to understand the cheating part.
Just that daddy has fallen in love with another woman who isn’t mummy and so he will be moving out.

i don’t want my child blaming me for something I had no part in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yogazmum · 26/07/2024 22:41

StormingNorman · 26/07/2024 21:26

This discussion with your child is not an outlet for your anger. Go with your ex husband’s approach and keep it neutral. We love you but we don’t love each other.

But that’s not true! I was still in love. The affair and the end of my marriage has come as a total shock to me.
xDH has made it clear he’s fallen in love with another woman, sees a future with her and wants to move on quickly.
Why shouldn’t the child know the truth?
Daddy doesn’t love mummy any more as he loves another lady who isn’t mummy. But we still both love you and always will.

OP posts:
Arthurnewyorkcity · 26/07/2024 22:47

When people tell the child, it's never about the child. Its about the blame game. Kids deserve to be kids, they don't need to know the ins and outs. Its hard enough when parents split up regardless of the why. When they're older they can ask the difficult questions, although they'd likely figure it out before then. They will have matured themselves and understand that their parent put their feelings aside to protect their relationship with their other parent. You dont need to lie but its not dishonest to say daddy doesnt love me how a husband should love his wife. You owe your ex nothing. You owe you kid everything. Love your child more than you hate your ex.
I hope things get better for you soon op, it must be very difficult

2sisters · 26/07/2024 22:49

What about daddy doesn't love my anymore and is moving out. We both love you and always will. You will live with mummy/ daddy and see mummy /daddy on xyz day.

2sisters · 26/07/2024 22:51

That way you haven't explicitly told him about the affair but you've been honest to a degree.

DoreenonTill8 · 26/07/2024 22:51

Love your child more than you hate your ex.
Absolutely @Arthurnewyorkcity it's NEVER really ',oh I just want to be honest' it's I want our child to hate you like I do.

otravezempezamos · 26/07/2024 22:53

Esme20 · 26/07/2024 21:27

I would tell your child the truth. He’s 11, not 5.

And I would let EXH do it, given that he is the one who has blown this family apart.

And then let him explain when he plays happy families and pops out sprog after sprog with his piece on the side. So so sorry OP. You and your lovely son deserve better.

ExHrefusingtodivorce · 27/07/2024 04:25

I have been through this. We had to tell our children the truth as it turned out other people knew, and they would have found out. Also Ex DH planned to continue seeing the OW. My children were 10 and 15.

If you have been happy together I think it would be confusing to your son if you give him the crap about not living each other anymore. IMO at 11 he will quite quickly work out what has happened and possibly be upset you lied. Our counsellors advised age appropriate truth. Your DH chose to destroy your family,, you shouldn't have to lie for him.

Edingril · 27/07/2024 04:33

You want to tell the child to make yourself feel better, there is no way this would help the child

You may as well admit it to yourself

Bluskyy · 27/07/2024 05:08

My earliest childhood memory is of me being on the phone to my Dad begging him to come back, and my Mum screaming he won't he's left you because he loves someone else...

But I went through another affair divorce when I was 11 (DF and his then wife) and we would go to my Dad's and find clues of another woman (clothes etc). We used to then snoop for clues. We were very upset it was obvious what was going on and everyone knew but noone told us. It was extremely upsetting.

I would also be conscious that children often take it out and blame the primary care giver which I'm guessing is you. And your DS might feel you have kicked his Dad out.

In your situation given his age and my experience I would be telling him the truth. If he blames you and you tell him at a later stage it might look like you are spiteful. And I bet his Dad will let him twist it this way to save himself.

Protect your relationship with your DS above all else. His Dad chose to do this not you.

tothelefttotheleft · 27/07/2024 05:17

Edingril · 27/07/2024 04:33

You want to tell the child to make yourself feel better, there is no way this would help the child

You may as well admit it to yourself

Lots of replies have shown the opposite.

MumChp · 27/07/2024 05:20

Stay neutral.
The child will read the room in a few years.

Edingril · 27/07/2024 05:23

tothelefttotheleft · 27/07/2024 05:17

Lots of replies have shown the opposite.

Show quote history

No surprise really