Telling the child the truth…

[Yogazmum]

XDH admitted a few weeks ago to having an affair. He has met someone else through work and has ‘fallen in love’ with her.

We have a child who is 11.
We haven’t told the child we are separating yet but plan to do so over the next few days.

XDH doesn’t want to tell the child he has met someone else… wants to do the ‘we love you but we don’t love each other..’ route.

i disagree. I want to say we love you but Daddy has fallen out of love with mummy because he’s fallen in love with another lady.
It will be age appropriate and I feel he’s old enough to understand.

XDH is very keen to move on quickly, buying another house and having the new partner move in with him so the child will meet the new partner pretty soon.

i feel XDH is trying to absolve himself of his guilt by not telling the truth and fear the child will think it’s my fault for asking Daddy to leave the marital home as i’m hoping to keep it for a while after the divorce/finances are sorted.

Any advice from those who have been in a similar position ?

It’s a tough one, if he was younger I would say not. But if your ex is going to be buying a house and moving in with the new woman asap won’t an 11 yr old question why he was told one thing but actions are showing another? A child will feel very confused, hurt, insecure etc when their parents separate is it better to be open? You can still encourage and facilitate a relationship with their father.

With the greatest respect, it’s not about you. You’re experiencing a terrible event but there’s no reason to make it worse for your child as well.

I think it's important to try to make the child understand it's not his fault.

We kept it neutral when we told our dd who was 6. She's now 16 and has her dad on a pedestal, he never puts her first and she's an extension of his life and has to tag along with what he's doing. I sometimes wonder if we'd told her the truth then she wouldn't be constantly looking to him for approval or attention. If she ever asked me why we divorced I'd tell her, but she's never asked so I won't volunteer the information

Your child will figure it out on their own. Just like if you tell him the truth he will grow up to realise you told him to hurt his dad. Not for 'him' but for yourself.

So you both lose. Your husband is a cheat and you are manipulative.

My friend is going through this right now. She's told her dc the truth at 9 and 11. I think she did the right thing as unfortunately there was a way the dc would have found out any way.

I personally think your children are not stupid and it's going to be really obvious that their dad has replaced their mum with someone else. Why not say Daddy is moving out there is someone else he would rather live with. He's sorry. Let him reassure the dc he still loves them.

My friend took advice from a child psychologist. Could you do that?

As someone who had to work through huge amounts of cognitive dissonance because my mother insisted on taking the high road so we didn't "think badly of our father" / he could never say she turned us against him.... i think hes going to sense its BS early on.

I am a firm believer in age appropriate truth.
At 11 he will feel totally patronised by the lame we dont love each other line which wont ring true and potentially angry at being lied to. He also should get some notice on the happy family nonsense coming his way.

I would tell your dh that whatever he decides to says in the sit down is fine but you will still say an age appropriate version of the truth.

You loved your dh
he met someone else, had an affair and isn't in love with you so is moving out.
but you both love him immeasurably

God no just sounds spiteful and using it to score points
you wouldn’t like it if DH said he doesn’t love mum because she’s done XYZ

Thank you. I don’t want to tell
him about the affair as I don’t think he would grasp that.
But that his dad loves someone else and will be moving out is probably the route I’ll take.

I’ve asked a close friend who is a psychologist if she can ask a child psychologist colleague. Thanks for the idea. I’ll wait to see what they come back with.

Hmm yes I'm an advocate for the truth but calmly and kindly communicated.

A slightly alternative is to tell him that dad is moving out and then let the shock settle for a day or two (or a bit longer) before expanding on why. If he asks you why, starts blaming you then obliviously tell him sooner. Don't lie certainly.

I'm always baffled by parents who pretend everything is ok with a shitty co-parent. It's worse with an abusive parent but similar to a cheating situation imo.

You are setting up your child to not feel like Thier feelings aren't valid if dad's behaviour becomes bad. By acting like everything is normal, you of course normalise the bad behaviour in their eyes and then how can they trust their feelings is if everyone acts like the crappy behaviour is ok.

I also think it's also ok or even important for you to communicate that you are in fact upset yourself. Model normal emotions at a difficult time. That doesn't been crying on his shoulder but you can say you are finding it difficult and you are sad. He will be sad and it's validating to see you are sad too and expressing it healthily, without raging and shouting. It's ok to be angry too as long as it's expressed appropriately. Naming the feelings not the faulty party.

This is the best advice I've ever read.
When my ex split my ds was too young to understand and happily excepted new 'friends'
But years later was able to work it out with time lines.
Ds was not impressed.

As a child with parents who divorced at that age, I am telling you no, never, absolutely not.

The truth is your child doesn’t care who’s to blame. He cares about his relationship with both parents continuing as normally as possible. He’ll want to know how it affects him and how often he’ll get to see his dad as the NRP. He’ll want to know if you’ll be moving, where dad will be living and if he’ll be staying at his school.

Let him figure it out in his own time.

At 11 he's old enough to be told his father is breaking up the family. Rubbish timing though if he's just about to start secondary

I think this thread demonstrates that there’s no absolute ‘right’ answer (although definitely better ways to do it, whichever one you decide).

For what it’s worth, my parents told me and siblings. We’d all say we wished they hadn’t. I was 10, and whatever they thought, I was too young. No matter how they tried to explain I couldn’t understand. My siblings were slightly older. One accused them of ‘lying’, and pointed out all the ways they obviously weren’t happy (think really nothing stuff. Like the time dad collected a chippy order, opened it at home and realised mam’s hadn’t been put in the bag. Or when mam accidentally knocked dad’s favourite mug on the floor and it broke). My eldest sibling very much blamed mam (despite both parents insisting it wasn’t her fault at all). As adults we can understand that a lot of the things we believed then weren’t true. But we all’s believe had we been older, or maybe been told if we’d asked, rather than having it placed on us, it would have been better for us.

I believe my parents acted in the way they felt best at the time. But if I found myself in the situation, I don’t think I’d tell my own kids. Not based on my experience of being told.

Children should never be burdened with the adult problems of their parents. Do not tell DC Daddy has left because he loves someone else. That will damage their relationship with him.

I was also left for someone else. It's very painful but you have to separate your own hurt and anger from your children's emotional needs.

The problem is that hes going to ask what the reason is. If you tell him you both want to separate then that's a lie.

My youngest was 8 when my ex left me. He told them he wasn't 'happy any more and we argued' which put the blame squarely on me as they could see how upset i was and it wasnt what i wanted. (He actually left for someone else and we rarely argued)

Youngest still doesn't know and now asks me still what the real reason was. Its messed with her head and I wish I'd told her. I now feel that I can't because she'll feel lied to.

I think you should be honest. Especially given that his dad plans to live with her soon, that's going to be two shocks when it can be over in one.

It's just being honest. Not spiteful as some others have suggested.

Tell him the truth. Allowing your ex-H to cover his tracks and take the easy way out is unacceptable - his actions have consequences. If he didn’t want to have to break this sort of news to your DS then the simple solution would be not to have an affair in the first place.

Your DS will find out one way or another, the difference is you can be open and honest with him now or he will discover things later on and realise that his parents told him blatant lies.

I think you need to tell the 11 year old the truth . It’s going to be obvious anyway that Dad has moved on quickly and you are still recovering . You should not need to make that any harder for you by being made to lie .

And I'm sorry op. It's an horrendous thing to go through. You and your son will be OK though. Take care.

My kids were much younger (few months & almost 4)when their dad left for his affair partner, they had already met her before he left as my ex had brought them around her under the guise of giving me a break at the weekend for a few hours,taking them out & he moved in with her pretty much immediately. My eldest I told him daddy lived somewhere else now & he didn't love mammy anymore but loved him & his brother. He knows now at 7 as he sees it & sometimes he asks & I tell him that daddy didn't love me anymore & he loves his affair partner (we use her name obviously) . My youngest was only 7/8 months when he left so he knows no different really. I don't feel a need to tell them as they will figure it out.

I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t want my child to think another woman is in the picture if she doesn’t last long.

Tell him the truth. Allowing your ex-H to cover his tracks and take the easy way out is unacceptable - his actions have consequences.

This advice is toxic. Your child is not a tool to punish your ex.

Thank you all for your advice.

I have been lucky enough to receive advice from a Child Psychologist who recommended breaking it into 2 parts.

So we tell the child that we both love them more than anything but that we are separating because Daddy isn’t in love with mummy anymore.
if he asks why, we are just to reiterate that sometimes grown ups fall out of love but they never fall out of love with their child.
Daddy will be moving out (not for a few months as we need to sell the bloody house. He’s in the spare room though) and how lucky is DC to get 2 bedrooms, 2 houses etc and that they can choose bedding/bed etc.. and they will spend some time with me and some time with XDH.

Then DH is to tell him about his new partner in an appropriate way within a few weeks as he will be spending time away from the family home at weekends etc to be with her. DC won’t meet her yet until we feel he’s ready.

I also have to thank the poster who wrote….
’Love your child more than you hate your ex’
That has really hit home for me and made me rethink things.

I am incredibly hurt, heartbroken and feel totally alone and scared. I need to make sure my child doesn’t feel my hatred.

Thank you all again x

At 10 my ds told me he knew df hated me more than he loved them... He is one seriously troubled adult.

Nothing worse at this age than being lied to. Will make the child distrust you and his dad. I’d be honest in the most sensitive way you can. Will also help explain your behaviour when you are inevitably sad. Tough shit to the dad, it’s not about putting him in a better light, it’s about both putting your son first.