Gutted he doesn't want to work on our relationship because he finds someone else attractive

[Adge1616]

Husband told me he didn't want to work on our marriage because he had made a "new connection" with someone. I stupidly always thought that being in a long term relationship meant you ignored that you fancied other people, stuck together and faced the ups and downs of life.
Yesterday he informed me of this while he's on holiday with son. Over WhatsApp!!!! Didn't even call when chat got serious!!!!
I think he's missing his work flirtation more than our life. We have children, the youngest of whom has additional needs and is very behind developmentally. I feel he's chosen the easy way rather than fighting for and with us.
He wants us to be housemates.
I feel like he's leaving me dangling. Housemates I could probably try (it's a big house and we don't hate each other) but when I said to him that I was under no illusion he'd change his mind, his answer was that anything can change in the future. So like he's going to try to see if he can get this girl and if can't take up with me again? Or is it something he needs to get over.
Daughter thinks he's having a midlife crisis... this is his last ditched attempt at being attractive and getting a new woman. He turns 50 in a month.
I think he's enjoying the freedom of the flirt and the fun.
I'm heartbroken. Just so gutted. I love him and I don't want to be going through this at all. I thought he was the one I'd grow old with. He can be the sweetest, kindness man in the world and I don't want to lose him.
Can anyone offer me any thoughts? I'm going crazy in my own head, keeping it together for the children with me. He's not back from holiday for another week. I hate this so so much.

What an arse. If he wants to do this then he has to move out. You can't possibly let him stay.

Dump him immediately. Get a lawyer and do so secretively. Make sure he doesn't empty your bank accounts or otherwise steal from you.

Go to chumplady.com for perspective. You can't fix this, he's a liar, a cheat and harmful. Protect your kids and yourself.

House mates? No way! He moved out. As the pp said consult a lawyer.

Part of me thinks things will be easier with the children etc if we are housemates...especially for our youngest. He needs stability and I need help with that. Of course there is no guarantee I'm going to get either now I guess, no matter what he says

And thank you so much for replying. I'm going crazy here

I’d write back saying, sure, anything can change - but can you not see how utterly disrespectful it is to live with me whilst enjoying a flirtation/new relationship with a colleague - and then saying you “might” come back to me? To be clear, you cannot come back if you do this - that’s not what marriage and family is. If you are committing adultery, you need to leave permanently as it’s disgusting.

He'll be fucking other women while living under your roof and when he finds someone stupid enough he will then move out anyway.

How would he feel if you met someone else whilst living with him as "housemates"?

I'd put money on him not being too happy with that.

You have to find your self-respect.
You will damage your mental health if you live like this, and you need to be strong in order to care for your children, and to enable them to know how to form healthy adult relationships when the time comes.
Tell him he’ll have to move out.
See a lawyer, a proper good family lawyer, asap.

Again, thank you all. I want to tell him where to get off but I also want him to change his mind and come back to me. I know that's foolish. But what if it is just a crisis and he needs help?

@Adge1616 what if its a crisis and he needs help?? ....
what if........ the red arrows to do a wee fly over bursting puffs of smoke spelling "HES a CNUT" ?
going crazy is fair.man you love ,thot grow old with....just texted you this shite!(cos hes cnut)...wee "housemates" suggestion..so obviously has sod all concern for any possible emotional impact on YOU his sudden "connection"revelation will possibly have.
hes a cnut. crisis is you need to love yourself..!..aye its really shite -you loving a man that dizni even exist tho...sympathy for the devil..last ditch attempt attractive?!!!! hes blew that then! just looks like a cnut.

had to be said ,sorry.x

I thought that, but he just checked out more and more. Hard as it is, it’s over and you absolutely do not deserve to be left hanging and doing most of the parenting hard yards while he has a look at who else is out there. Work out how you can best manage and move on because I may never get over the damage that papering over the cracks did while he got on with arranging his fabulous new life and I just stagnated.

Tell him you'll be the one to move out but you'll drop by occasionally to help him out with the kids.

In the nicest way possible, OP, you need to wake up and tell this prick to do one.

There's nothing 'nice' or 'sweet' about a man telling his wife 'well I might see how things go with my potential new girlfriend and if all else fails, I can come back to you and we'll pick up where we left off."

Fuck that.

You're worth so much more than this.

Get rid of this bastard and stop giving him all the options here!

What about the crisis he's thrown you into.
Where's your help?.
You need and deserve stability.
What a way to treat someone.. you're best rid of this user

It will mess with your head staying with him as housemates. Please don't do this, it never works out.

There’s a thought.

You are not a priority now or ever.
The children are not his priority.
His dick is his priority.

Tell him to jog on.
He is no support you are doing the all the caring for the children and this will continue.
Life will be better without him. 100%

I guess I'm just not ready to give up on this but I've got a week to pull myself together and think about it. Get a bit stronger and protect me and our children. He'll be back next Tuesday from his holiday. I guess we'll discuss things then. I don't want to open myself up to more pain...

Discuss?

This will be painful and hurt.

But put his things in a back bag for collection.

You will stronger.
These feeling won't last.
The doom.and gloom will shift.
Always does.

Yeah he needs to go. I'd imagine the affair is already established if I'm honest...

While he is away prepare for the worst. Copy all important documents and get details of his income. Look at the CMS calculator . Speak to a solicitor to clarify your position. Take the power before the “discussion “ . I bent over backwards to try and keep my ex husband but he left for the OW anyway taking my money and self respect. I really wish I had been stronger .

The main reason he’ll want to be ‘housemates’ won’t be to help with the kids it’ll be so he can have his cake and eat it!! He wants to be off chasing someone new but just incase it doesn’t work out it’s ok because you’ll be sat at home waiting for him and can slide straight back in to old life. Don’t let him take you for a mug. I understand you love him but does he love you cos he certainly doesn’t respect you. Can you live with him and watch him go out on an evening knowing where he’s going and what he doing or even worse not knowing and it’s left to your imagination? It would be torture everyday!!

Don't do the pick me dance. It just gives them a green light for more bullshit.

Seriously, this is The Script.

Don't entertain it.

I know it hurts, I am sorry and I hope you can find your anger and fight back.

You should have investigated the legal position by then so that you’ll be able to give him an outline.
Protect any funds in joint accounts.

You have to face up to the fact that the life you thought you had is over. Even if this “work flirtation” exists only in his head you can’t turn the clock back.