Gutted he doesn't want to work on our relationship because he finds someone else attractive

[Adge1616]

Husband told me he didn't want to work on our marriage because he had made a "new connection" with someone. I stupidly always thought that being in a long term relationship meant you ignored that you fancied other people, stuck together and faced the ups and downs of life.
Yesterday he informed me of this while he's on holiday with son. Over WhatsApp!!!! Didn't even call when chat got serious!!!!
I think he's missing his work flirtation more than our life. We have children, the youngest of whom has additional needs and is very behind developmentally. I feel he's chosen the easy way rather than fighting for and with us.
He wants us to be housemates.
I feel like he's leaving me dangling. Housemates I could probably try (it's a big house and we don't hate each other) but when I said to him that I was under no illusion he'd change his mind, his answer was that anything can change in the future. So like he's going to try to see if he can get this girl and if can't take up with me again? Or is it something he needs to get over.
Daughter thinks he's having a midlife crisis... this is his last ditched attempt at being attractive and getting a new woman. He turns 50 in a month.
I think he's enjoying the freedom of the flirt and the fun.
I'm heartbroken. Just so gutted. I love him and I don't want to be going through this at all. I thought he was the one I'd grow old with. He can be the sweetest, kindness man in the world and I don't want to lose him.
Can anyone offer me any thoughts? I'm going crazy in my own head, keeping it together for the children with me. He's not back from holiday for another week. I hate this so so much.

I would be using the time he is away to gather evidence of finance, etc.

Do not let this man have his fucking cake and eat it. Dipping in and out of your family life as he pleases, leaving you doing the tough stuff.

By remaining housemates at his request, you'll be enabling his non-committed lifestyle. Don't do it. Have some respect. He can't walk all over you.

I am sorry, though. It will hurt. He is responsible for this. The anger will come, and when it does, you'll have all your ammunition to hand.so he doesn't fleece you financially.

What a callous and utterly, utterly stupid fool he is. What is he thinking of?

Your best shot at making him see sense is to confront him with a dose of cold, wet reality.

Get hold of the financial information - you need his earnings, pension, savings and other investments.

consult with a solicitor before he gets back.

Find your anger! You’re going to need it. Can you imagine coming down to breakfast and finding a succession of one night stands or his new girl friend in your kitchen? That’s no kind of stability for your little dc.

If he wants out of his marriage commitments (and your op was almost right

I stupidly always thought that being in a long term relationship meant you ignored that you fancied other people, stuck together and faced the ups and downs of life) it needs to be all the way out so you have a chance to heal and be the strong mum your dc need. Take a look at your finances and see if it will be possible to keep the house or what is available if you downsize.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP.

He has not even dignified you with a face to face conversation.
This man has zero respect for you or your marriage and family.
Please as others have said find your self worth and respect.
You have agency in your relationship and your life, he is not the controller of it and you lying down to make it easier for him to trample on you is not in any way the path to happiness.

Don't do the pick me dance and be grateful for crumbs.

Read up on the Script - pinned at the top of the relationships board

the 'he's having an affair' script www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script?msgid=-1485686#-1485686

I can see your dilemma because why should he get to move out and be free of responsibilities while you pick up with the pieces at home with your children, one of whom has additional needs.
you need to make sure as much as you can that he has shared responsibility for the kids, he doesn’t and shouldn’t get to just walk away.

and more fool him, because unless there were fundamental issues in your marriage anyway which were unfixable hes had his head turned and is thinking with his dick and making a bit mistake.

But what if it is just a crisis and he needs help?

What sort of help? He's being unfaithful.

OP just kick him out. I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

This ^^

I've been where you are OP and it's fucking horrible. It really is.

But you need to just let him go. It is over. He's not the man you thought you married. He's a man who runs when shit gets tough and he finds the next pretty thing to flatter his ego.

As hard as it is to face, the housemates thing needs knocked on the head. You cannot heal or get over the end of the relationship while he is still there. He needs to leave. He's just trying to make you the bad guy by saying he wanted to keep your marriage when he was the one who broke it.

He also needs to find somewhere to live that can accommodate your kids when he has them 50% of the time.

Use this time wisely to get yourself in a strong position. Work out the financial situation. Work out how much maintenance he needs to pay to you. See if you have time to get in with a solicitor. Then hit him with it all when he comes back from his wee jolly.

But also start working on yourself. Women who love too much was a great book that I started with.

You can and will heal from this. I'm further down the line now. He's still shacked up with the other woman and she is welcome to him. Meanwhile I have been able to actually focus on myself for the first time in a long time and it has been amazing.

Unless he is deluded and the connection is in his mind there is more to this than him fancying her. Connection suggests an emotional affair at least.

Hopefully he is deluded and your daughter is right that he’s having a mid life crisis. To get your relationship back on course he would have to realise that and put a stop to it of his own volition and do an awful lot to make amends.

But it does seem like he wants to have a crack at starting a full on relationship with her and keep you on the back burner in case it doesn’t work out for them.

If you wait to see how that plays out hoping it won’t work how would you feel about him settling for you? Wouldn’t you always feel a convenient second best ?

You can say cunt on mumsnet.

Wants to see if he can get her first?

Hahahaha. How does it go now? Oh yes. Off you pop, cuntychops.

You need to find your anger OP. He needs to understand what he risks losing. Being nice and accommodating here in the hope that he will pick you over her is not going to work and will only erode your self respect. You need to be very clear with him that he’s risking everything, for what? Some woman he hardly knows who he flirts a bit with and idealises (probably). He’s being an idiot.

I understand how awful and blindsided you must feel, but agree with others that you need to try to find the cool, logical side of yourself: use this week to speak to a lawyer, work out the financial side of things and make sure you have a plan in place. Put yourself in a position of strength.

I would think that "made a connection" means he's having an affair, not that he simply fancies someone else.

OP
please listen to what everyone is saying. My husband, who I adored did the same thing to me 7 years ago. I took the advice of wise mummetters and read about the “Script” etc.
I divorced him, the pain was indescribable but the marriage was broken… by him, I had no choice.
You will be happy again, I promise xxxx

Even if he was to ‘change his mind and come back to you’ things will never be the same.
How would you ever trust him the same way now he has dropped that bombshell? Esp the way he’s done it - WhatsApp only, unable to tell you face to face.
This is a very weak man.

Get financial and legal advice. And see a mortgage advisor.

Take with you all information on savings, pensions, policies, earnings, mortgage etc with you. This week is a good time to assemble all of that info from statements kicking around the house. (Unless it's all on apps on his phone and you don't know the details but lawyers can find it).

He wants his cake and eat it. It could be that she uses him for his money and then dumps him and he comes crawling back, but could you ever trust the man again? Nope.

So you have no choice really, he has to go. Up to you to decide what's best for the kids especially a special needs kid.

Some people get a flat that the take turns to stay in while the other one stays in the family home with dc when it's their turn to provide care, in order to keep stability in the family home.

Others just split and get new places or one buys the other out.

Living in the same house won't work for long so I wouldn't do that. At some point his girlfriend will want him to herself and start nagging him to move out so that's never going to be the permanent arrangement he hopes for an easy life with two women caring for him.

My moneys on him thinking with his dick. Mid life crises right enough. But very hurtful and life changing for all concerned. The price of his shag. Sorry you're going through this OP.

He doesn’t want to be housemates.

He wants to go off and shag his new bird, whilst you act like his Mum doing all the cooking, cleaning, ironing his shirts for him. Plus it means that he never has to look after the kids on his own.

He is an absolute chancer. Tell him to fuck right off.

THIS!! You get what you settle for. Compromise now and it will come back to bite you on the ass. If you accept it if and when he wants to come crawling back to the marriage the whole thing will just eat you up inside with all the wondering about the potential affair and whether he loved/loves you.
I did this - took my ex back after he cheated as I had a 10mo old at the time and I was terrified of being alone/finances/parenting etc and I still loved him at that time. But the anger, betrayal and resentment never goes away and he quickly went back to being the selfish a-hole he always was and ultimately it was the beginning of the end. Any man that can do what your DH is doing to you, I’m sorry to say it but he doesn’t love you. Not how you deserve to be loved or how a hb should love his wife.
Men will do what they can get away with. You deserve more 😢

But what if it is just a crisis and he needs help?

You’re the one having the crisis. Stop worrying about him and start thinking about yourself. He’s a grown-up, he can do his own worrying if he wants to. He doesn’t seem to be troubled.

Of course you’re in agony because of how and when he told you. That’s completely understandable. He’s finished loving you but you haven’t finished loving him. When the heartbreak takes over your mind send him that ungiven love. Take a few minutes to breathe deeply and send him the leftover love. You don’t need it anymore. Then you have to get on with planning the next step in your life. It’s a journey you didn’t want to be on but the road’s there in front of you and you have to move on.

Good luck.

Look I have seen many women say this and I thought it too. Somewhere in us there is a reaction that comes out like this. You are shocked and in a panic. He is streets ahead of you in this matter. You have to play catch up. They say all kinds of things to make themselves feel less guilty about doing this to you and their children. I know you may feel you don't want this but ultimately it is not your choice and by thinking like this you are sabotaging your future. This happened to a friend of mine financially who dithered for 3 years.
As regards people saying get all the paperwork together there is not a great deal you can do in a short period of time. It can take weeks if not months to get a pension evaluation. Please do not go with anything less than a CETV. They don't cost to get.
You can put a hold on any joint accounts you may have but it is wise to keep the account your mortgage is paid from.
Don't make yourself an option for him.

This OP!
He either wants to commit adultery and already has done in his mind, or even in body already. Adultery/cheating is now regarded in certain theraputic circles as a form of abuse, mainly emotional but sometimes also physical/sexual due to the risk of STIs being passed to the betrayed spouse. It causes changes in the brains of BSs as well as emotional trauma. There's a reason the Commandment against it is straight after the one against murder.
I'm so sorry to have to tell you but the man you love is not the man you're now married to. Nice, sweet , kind people don't cheat, and they don't tell the spouse who loves and is loyal to them that they fancy someone else so they don't want the Old Faithful spouse any more, then add insult to injury by saying that they MIGHT want you back! Don't let him treat you, his wife, like a "fall-back girl", an option! I'm raging at his disrespect of you OP!
I feel for you so much, I found out my STBX was cheating on me April last year and I was gutted, but I was also really, really angry! I kept my head and told myself "Detach, detach!" whilst psyching myself up and reading up on what I would need to do to go it alone, then I kicked him out! I haven't any dependant children like yourself and I can only imagine how frightening the thought of going it alone must be for you. I am an aging woman with a number of minor but progressive health problems though, and now too young to get my OAP yet, so in a very vulnerable position too albeit different. My only family is my adult son! Despite all this, and the agony, heartbreak, fear and cognitive dissonance about how the man I loved and thought loved me could turn into the monster of deceit and selfishness and treachery he had, I'm OK now, and getting ready to sell up, move away and start a fresh new life, one without him in it and one I do not WANT him in anymore!
Get some legal advice OP, some individual counselling ( I found a free online service in Ireland, I'm sure there must be similar in the UK) and put your own wellbeing first, as your children NEED you! You can't rely on, trust or depend on your H anymore, he is not your friend! Keep posting, so many of us have been through it and we are on your side! Hugs!

In this week, can you arrange for his stuff to be moved to a storage facility and make sure you obtain very good records of all financials etc?

This won't get better, unfortunately.

I checked up about this and we can't do that with another person's property in Ireland but I don't know about the UK. OP would need to make certain she had the legal right to do this and could legally put it in her H's name as well. If it's not totally legal to do so, she shouldn't do it!
You need to see a solicitor asap OP, and you could also consult Citizen's Advice as well! Information wins wars and your H has declared war on you! Get informed to the max now and go for the win!