Gutted he doesn't want to work on our relationship because he finds someone else attractive

[Adge1616]

Husband told me he didn't want to work on our marriage because he had made a "new connection" with someone. I stupidly always thought that being in a long term relationship meant you ignored that you fancied other people, stuck together and faced the ups and downs of life.
Yesterday he informed me of this while he's on holiday with son. Over WhatsApp!!!! Didn't even call when chat got serious!!!!
I think he's missing his work flirtation more than our life. We have children, the youngest of whom has additional needs and is very behind developmentally. I feel he's chosen the easy way rather than fighting for and with us.
He wants us to be housemates.
I feel like he's leaving me dangling. Housemates I could probably try (it's a big house and we don't hate each other) but when I said to him that I was under no illusion he'd change his mind, his answer was that anything can change in the future. So like he's going to try to see if he can get this girl and if can't take up with me again? Or is it something he needs to get over.
Daughter thinks he's having a midlife crisis... this is his last ditched attempt at being attractive and getting a new woman. He turns 50 in a month.
I think he's enjoying the freedom of the flirt and the fun.
I'm heartbroken. Just so gutted. I love him and I don't want to be going through this at all. I thought he was the one I'd grow old with. He can be the sweetest, kindness man in the world and I don't want to lose him.
Can anyone offer me any thoughts? I'm going crazy in my own head, keeping it together for the children with me. He's not back from holiday for another week. I hate this so so much.

I will. Its all so much though. I know you are all right. I need to get a grip...

I love that idea! Thank you

Wow. You are so brave. I admire you and what you've been through.

Thank you all so much. I feel stronger today and more things are clicking into place. I'm not contacting him. I'm staying firm. I'm planning the future for me and my children. It's tough. So so so hurting but have to do it. I still want him back but you are all right that's probably very foolish...he'd have to put a lot of effort in to prove himself and he's just proved incapable of that...

The only help he’d be getting from me is my boot up his arse.

You might find this practical advice from Gingerbread useful https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/managing-separation/

and practical advice about money
https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/how-to-protect-your-finances-during-separation-if-you-were-living-together#

You should still see a lawyer.

I’m really glad that you’re feeling stronger. It’s not a straight road but it will get easier with time.

I wish there was a laughing response:)

My XH did this. An 'attachment' to another woman (which, it turned out she was unaware of!!) and he wanted to see how life went if he was free. Then he turned around and told me it had been a mental health crisis on his part (he'd asked the poor unwary lass if she wanted to 'be with him', and she ran screaming) and he wanted to be with me.

I took him back. I was so desperately in love and I believed his tale of a breakdown - which his behaviour reinforced. I convinced myself that our near-separation had improved our communication and made us stronger as a couple.

Three months later he left me completely. He'd had a taste of how life would be if he were free and unencumbered and decided to give it a go. And the pain was three times as bad as the first time, because I'd kidded myself it was out of his sytem. So I'd just say, use the time your H is away to get really, really angry, to pack up his stuff and to realise that HOW DARE HE tell you how things are going to go in future!! YOU are going to tell HIM how life will look from this moment forward - and he cannot expect your support for one second longer.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. Lots of good advice on this thread. I have been watching a family member go through something similar and it has dragged on for YEARS. She did the 'pick me' dance for years and it was excrutiating to watch. And in the meantime it has absolutely broken the childrens' hearts. Please put yourself and the children first and don't wait too long. Good luck.

Wow. I think I'd be so tempted to do the same, but so scared of losing him again. Thank you for sharing... I appreciate it. So much to think about and I just want to be enjoying the hols with my little people! :(

You've already lost him - you're just in denial about it.

I understand being scared but trying to kid yourself that there is anything you can do to fix this and get him back is just going to make things worse for you in the end.

Please gather your courage and kick this guy out. He doesn’t need help he needs a reality check.

It is called the-pick-me-up dance.
He has told you so you try to keep him, so shower him with attention and, maybe, great sex.
In the meantime, he has engaged someone else and doing exactly the same to her.
So he gets, at least two, females competing for his attention.
It is sick and disgusting.
Dump him. Forever. He has no respect.
Yes, going solo is hard. But you will be alone anyway, plus have a massive mental and emotional load if you engage with the-pick-me-up shit. You will not be the same person ever again if you go down that route. There is no dignity that way.
He is far too busy focusing on himself (his own dick....)
Unfortunatelly, it is quite common.

Best luck to you OP.

I’m sorry op, is the reason financial you are considering housemates. Can you go it alone?

I think you know full well if he enters another relationship and it’s successful he isn’t going to keep living with you , that wouldn’t work, on any level. And he won’t keep paying for a home for you either.

Yes when I didn't react in the way he expected: begging, telling him I couldn't live without him...he then started the whole but who knows about the future maybe we could get back eventually... He wants me to do that dance. I've told him I refuse to. For now I'm open to reconciliation but I'm not making a fool of myself for him...He can f off. :)

Financially I can think I can afford it but not to buy him out or remortgage...

My friend is towards the end of her divorce, he did run off with a younger woman and what a selfish twat he has been. Stay here for advice and support and tell real life friends as well. We are going to be having a bonfire with her wedding veil taking centre stage once it’s finalised, personally as long as she is not doing anything harmful then I will do whatever she wants.

But get your A game ion when it comes to money. Go and see a solicitor for advice, many offer a free 30 minutes. Write down questions and make a note of the answers. Seek advice from maybe more than one to see who suits you best. It also means I think he can’t use them as you have consulted them as a conflict of interest. It’s worth paying out, hers is £250 per hour but she has received very good advice because at the time she was so brokenhearted and not thinking straight she would have agreed to much lesser terms than entitled to.

I have two friends divorcing currently and a potential third all in mid fifties. All the fault of the men.

What is it these men? Why can't they just realize they are getting older and deal with it? 🤔I know something weird happens to them but...jeez! So much heart and pain caused because they want one last chance to flirt and f**k the dream... Surely they must see the dream will also become mondane... OK maybe less responsibilities there but still the relationship will still need maintaining and the love will wax and wane...