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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Can my ex demand i update him on our kids?

58 replies

whycantitbecalm · 19/07/2024 18:44

Ok, so we have been apart for 18 months, our children are 18, 16 and 15.

My ex was controlling and mean and disrespectful to all of us throughout the marriage and physically aggressive at times, but never hit any of us directly.
Very Jekyll and Hyde.

Our eldest see's him occasionally when he wants money. The other two refuse to speak to him and are struggling processing the way he treated them and one is in therapy to try and talk it through.

As part of the divorce we went through mediation, at the time i was asked to update him weekly on the boys, which i did for 6 months.

Every week my ex would be just as manipulative as he was when we were married and tell me how disappointed he is that i'm not making the boys see him and it was making me extremely anxious.

I have explained to him that they need time to process all of this and have plenty of life ahead of them to decide if they want a relationship with him.
I have also told them that whatever they choose to do i will support them.

My ex this week has contacted the mediator asking if we can see her again because he's not happy with my lack of communication.

I have told him if there is anything they want him to know i will pass it on to him, or they will. They have each others numbers and are plenty old enough to communicate

So after all that waffle i'm just wondering if anyone knows if he can legally make me keep him updated.

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 20/07/2024 15:07

Send him emails updating him - with the least amount of detail as possible. Set a rule in your emails that any emails or replies from him go straight into a different folder and if you feel the need to read you can do …. Then theoretically you are updating him

abouttoturn50 · 20/07/2024 15:10

I agree with everyone too! Once my kids had their own phones when they went up to secondary school there was no need for me to have any contact with his whatsoever.

If your kids want to message him/receive messages or just block him they're more than old enough to decide. You're obviously very supportive of their choices and that's fantastic! So IMO you should just block his ass! And tell the kids they have the right to do the same!

Gymmum82 · 20/07/2024 15:23

whycantitbecalm · 20/07/2024 15:02

@Gymmum82 yep fully divorced 9 months ago, all finances sorted, he clearly is struggling to move on. But in the process is stopping us from doing just that.

I would block him then and if he’s harassing the kids and making them anxious too I would advise them to also block him.
The kids are almost adults. They can make their own decisions.
If mediation contact you I would tell them that as your divorce is finalised you’re not interested and if he wants to take you to court for access to the children he can go right ahead. No court will force or even be able to force teenagers to see a parent they do not wish to see

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/07/2024 16:59

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 20/07/2024 15:07

Send him emails updating him - with the least amount of detail as possible. Set a rule in your emails that any emails or replies from him go straight into a different folder and if you feel the need to read you can do …. Then theoretically you are updating him

Absolutely not! They're old enough to update him if they want to, which they clearly don't and that's their choice.

The OP doesn't need to have any contact with him at all. He's made his bed when it comes to parenting by the sound of it

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 15/09/2024 19:20

Ugh well the drama continues.
This week he's written me a list of all the things he thinks are unacceptable.

Not taking responsibility himself for his relationship with the kids at all and placing it all on me.

It is so hard to not let him get to me.
I've contacted my solicitor to see where i stand legally now

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/09/2024 19:24

Seriously just block him on everything bar a court approved app which you can check once a month and ignore!

RandomMess · 15/09/2024 19:25

It doesn't matter what he thinks is unacceptable. Don't read his emails block texts.

Why are giving this any headspace.

Sunshineafterthehail · 15/09/2024 19:25

You simply block him. It really is that easy.

xyz111 · 15/09/2024 19:28

Did you end up going back to mediation?

RandomMess · 15/09/2024 20:12

We have all told you he is being completely unreasonable. He can get in touch with school/college as their parent. The DC don't have to share their health information with them if they don't want to.

Your youngest therapist has recommend he block his dad on his phone.

Why have you not blocked him?

There is no legal advice you need.

He was and still is abusive so you shouldn't even have gone to mediation with him.

Let him pay to take you to court and be laughed at.

What can we do to support you blocking this nasty bully?

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 16/09/2024 18:26

@RandomMess i known if we flipped the situation and you were asking for advice i'd be saying exactly the same, but when you have been made for years to doubt thoughts and decisions its so hard not to react with fear.

You are right and your messages alone make me feel stronger, so thank you. I'm sure i'll get there one day, hopefully before i lose my mind Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/09/2024 18:46

So have you blocked today?

Deep breath and do it.

On everything.

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 16/10/2024 07:38

@RandomMess hey nope haven't blocked but i have felt much stronger since reading your messages and haven't had any rubbish to deal with again.

Plus if i'd blocked him i wouldn't have seen the message saying that he was on holiday and had locked himself out of his suitcase and did i know the combination to open it Wink

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 16/10/2024 07:48

I know PP have said but at those ages 100pc no need for you to give any updates. The only exception would be if they were severely ill or in an accident or something. Even mild illness I tell my teens to text their dad to let him know. There's absolutely no need for you to do this and no court would insist. In any case the 18 year old is an adult and you in fact probably have no right to tell ex what is going on!
If he's made a list of demands, just take a deep breath and don't react. I know it's hard. But just remember in a few years time you'll never have to see or hear of him again !

endofthelinefinally · 16/10/2024 07:52

whycantitbecalm · 20/07/2024 08:44

Well that was pretty unanimous! Thank you all, i guess you all see it clearer than me.
It annoys the hell out of me that he makes me doubt my own thoughts still.
Must get stronger

Consider doing the freedom programme. Talk to Women's Aid.

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 16/10/2024 08:08

@Whyherewego what a wonderful feeling, only a few more years to go. I'm enjoying the lull between birthdays and xmas now before he finds something else to demand

@endofthelinefinally i'll have a look into that thank you. I've started therapy recently too and its really helping me take back control

OP posts:
Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 22/07/2025 22:05

Well this is eye opening, almost a year to the date, he has emailed mediation again with the exact same issues as before, but the kids are even more opinionated these days and i still haven’t blocked him. He is constantly in my inbox telling me what i’m doing wrong 🤪 someone tell me to get a life! Its so hard to remove your brain from someone who’s made you scared to make decisions for yourself!

OP posts:
HuskyNew · 22/07/2025 22:53

whycantitbecalm · 22/07/2025 22:05

Well this is eye opening, almost a year to the date, he has emailed mediation again with the exact same issues as before, but the kids are even more opinionated these days and i still haven’t blocked him. He is constantly in my inbox telling me what i’m doing wrong 🤪 someone tell me to get a life! Its so hard to remove your brain from someone who’s made you scared to make decisions for yourself!

WHY are you still tolerating him?

no actually, why? If you can’t answer then maybe it’s time to explore through some therapy your dependance upon him. Possibly some codependency is happening as it’s bizarre he’s still in touch with you.

HuskyNew · 22/07/2025 22:53

How did the therapist frame all this?

RandomMess · 22/07/2025 23:12

Put his emails onto auto file into a folder and don’t even read them.

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 23/07/2025 08:30

@HuskyNew honestly he spends a lot of time telling me that my actions are illegal, which they aren’t, which makes me feel like i’d be in trouble for doing it.
Also i save his messages as evidence in case he ever does attempt court. So feel the more evidence i have the better.

i think i need reassurance from a solicitor. He’s always made me doubt my own decisions and when you’ve had 20 years of that subtly happening its very hard to reprogram your brain.

OP posts:
JaneEyre40 · 23/07/2025 08:32

Stop talking to him completely. Communicate via email only. Be extremely professional, no emotion. He will soon see he's not getting the reactions he is looking for.

Aliksa · 23/07/2025 08:35

What kind of updates - like social/school/medical? Just a “how are things” kind of update?

Could you just set up a “family WhatsApp” and everyone posts their updates in there? Open, natural, adult way of keeping in touch. You could add grans/granddads too to dilute things.

JaneEyre40 · 23/07/2025 08:36

Aliksa · 23/07/2025 08:35

What kind of updates - like social/school/medical? Just a “how are things” kind of update?

Could you just set up a “family WhatsApp” and everyone posts their updates in there? Open, natural, adult way of keeping in touch. You could add grans/granddads too to dilute things.

So the kids can see the shit he writes?!?

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 23/07/2025 16:34

@Aliksathe kids are 16 & 17 and for their own security and safety don’t want him knowing anything detailed about them. They’re reluctant for him to know what colleges they are going to in case he just appears, but obviously he is entitled to know so i had to share that

OP posts: