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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Can my ex demand i update him on our kids?

58 replies

whycantitbecalm · 19/07/2024 18:44

Ok, so we have been apart for 18 months, our children are 18, 16 and 15.

My ex was controlling and mean and disrespectful to all of us throughout the marriage and physically aggressive at times, but never hit any of us directly.
Very Jekyll and Hyde.

Our eldest see's him occasionally when he wants money. The other two refuse to speak to him and are struggling processing the way he treated them and one is in therapy to try and talk it through.

As part of the divorce we went through mediation, at the time i was asked to update him weekly on the boys, which i did for 6 months.

Every week my ex would be just as manipulative as he was when we were married and tell me how disappointed he is that i'm not making the boys see him and it was making me extremely anxious.

I have explained to him that they need time to process all of this and have plenty of life ahead of them to decide if they want a relationship with him.
I have also told them that whatever they choose to do i will support them.

My ex this week has contacted the mediator asking if we can see her again because he's not happy with my lack of communication.

I have told him if there is anything they want him to know i will pass it on to him, or they will. They have each others numbers and are plenty old enough to communicate

So after all that waffle i'm just wondering if anyone knows if he can legally make me keep him updated.

OP posts:
TheShiningCarpet · 19/07/2024 18:45

Just tell the mediator that the youngest do not want contact and you are respecting their wishes

Pepponi · 19/07/2024 18:45

I don’t know the answer but using a parenting app like Our Family Wizard to communicate with him is a great idea

Just re-read and seen they are teens so, probably parenting app days are long gone!

SonicTheHodgeheg · 19/07/2024 18:47

Teens can’t be made to see a parent. A judge would allow children to choose how much contact they had with each parent at around age 12.

If he took this to court then nothing would happen because of the kids ages.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 19/07/2024 18:50

I know that he is probably looking for ways to abuse you but is he looking for the sort of info that the kids might be posting on their social media ? For example yeh 16 year old might have gone to prom and he might want to see a pic.

I would refuse mediation for kids that age because a judge would go with what they want. If they want to be NC/LC then a judge would say that was fine and up to them but I understand that standing up to him might be difficult for you to do.

Mumoftwo1316 · 19/07/2024 18:51

Your kids don't want to see him. That's it.

You might have to go through stress, and withstand his bullying, to protect your kids. You can do it.

Whereas if you cave and pressure your kids to see him, that would purely be selfish, to deflect stress and blame from yourself.

(I was that kid, now thankfully NC with my dad)

Alicewinn · 19/07/2024 18:53

He sounds like a bully. No wonder your kids don’t want to see him. Good riddance and good luck to you going forwards ❤️

Sunshineafterthehail · 19/07/2024 18:53

When ds started secondary I no longer communicated with ex at all. . At the age of your dc you absolutely don't need to contact him at all. Ever.

DinnaeFashYersel · 19/07/2024 19:11

Surely he can just contact them directly.

Just ignore him. No court is going to make you give updates on and 15 and 16 year old. And the 18 year old is an adult.

MumChp · 19/07/2024 19:13

The can update him. If they want. Not your responsibility.

WittyFatball · 19/07/2024 19:22

At that age I would let the 'kids' decide what information they share with him. I definitely wouldn't go to mediation with him.
Can't see any reason for you to be in contact with him anymore.

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 20/07/2024 08:44

Well that was pretty unanimous! Thank you all, i guess you all see it clearer than me.
It annoys the hell out of me that he makes me doubt my own thoughts still.
Must get stronger

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 20/07/2024 08:52

If the kids are 15, 16 & 18 - there is absolutely no reason you need any contact with your EX.

At those ages the kids are old enough to communicate with their dad direct.

Drivingnowhere · 20/07/2024 09:08

They're almost adults. I don't see why you need to engage with him at all. Can you just block him and go no contact? You don't need to respond to any contact from a mediator either, nothing will happen since your DC are older and don't want contact.

rainbowstardrops · 20/07/2024 09:18

Your 18yr old is obviously an adult and could do exactly as they please. Does he have the mobile numbers for your other two? If so, what's stopping him asking them how things are himself? If he does and they just don't want to reply or have anything to do with him then that's his problem and he needs to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror!

cupcaske123 · 20/07/2024 09:28

He can communicate with them directly OP.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 20/07/2024 09:42

Not at all. At those ages it's up to them what they want to share with him.

CoffeeCatsAndVodka · 20/07/2024 09:51

At their age it's up to them if they want to be in communication with him and if they want him to know what goes on in their lives. If he has their mobile numbers, then it's up to him to message them and ask how they are. Then it is up to them if they respond. I'm pretty sure a mediator and / or the courts would agree, especially given the circumstances.

CleftChin · 20/07/2024 09:59

Not UK, but when my ex asked that I passed on all health and school information to him, my barrister said that whilst I should keep him informed of any health issues, it was my ex's responsibility to sign up to school newsletters and speak to his own children, not mine to create a weekly brief for him.

HappyToSmile · 20/07/2024 10:13

Is there a reason everything has to come through you? Can he not message them directly asking how they are and what they've been up to?
For school records etc, he can sign up for the school emails himself.
I've been split with my ex for 5 years. My son is now 16 and I've refused communication with him for a couple of years now for similar reasons to yours and life is far less stressful.

Littlefish · 20/07/2024 10:13

They are old enough to communicate directly.

If you HAVE to update him, then use an app or separate e-mail address used only for this purpose.

Comply by sending a single paragraph, once a week. No discussion. No response to anything he sends.

Do not engage in any other way.

Don't check the app/email address at any time, other than to send your weekly update.

You are being compliant that way. Just not in the way that he wants!

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 20/07/2024 11:57

He does have their numbers and contacts them all the time, telling then how sad he feels that they don't want you talk to him etc. to the point where the youngest has asked him to stop because its causing him anxiety too.

My ex didn't stop, so his therapist suggested he block him for a while.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 20/07/2024 12:00

Are you fully divorced with financial order in place? If you are I would simply block his number. The children are plenty old enough to contact him themselves should they wish

AppleCream · 20/07/2024 12:02

I agree with everyone else. Ignore or block him. You can live your life without this OP.

RandomMess · 20/07/2024 12:04

You all need to block him!!

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 20/07/2024 15:02

@Gymmum82 yep fully divorced 9 months ago, all finances sorted, he clearly is struggling to move on. But in the process is stopping us from doing just that.

OP posts:
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