WWYD? Ex husbands new gf is sex worker/online porn

[MyWillow]

Hi,

Posting here for opinions and advice. I am going through what is becoming a nasty divorce. Separated a few years, have 3 kids with my ex and I have residential custody - they visit him every other weekend if he's around.

I always suspected him of using porn and he cheated a few times before this recent one. Always made me suspicious, always online a lot etc. Left me for a child free younger woman during covid time and moved in with her. I've just found out that she does online porn. There are pictures and videos of her all over the internet - pretty explicit, including some of her and my ex having sex and oral etc. My eldest has stopped going to her dads house at all because she found some sex toys and things as well as a naked picture of the gf on her dads computer which made her feel uncomfortable (there were also a few other reasons she didn't want to go there). I don't know the new partner, he has never introduced me to her - but obviously I'm concerned about her moral values, and the exposure and influence she will have on my younger 2 kids. I'm not a prude and whilst I don't want to come across as prejudice against people who work in the sex industry, this is out of the scope of what I deem to be a healthy environment for kids to be raised in. Additionally, she has a professional job, this porn side hustle seems to be for kicks and attention more than financial need.

I cannot talk to my ex, we have a bad coparenting relationship, but this makes me very uncomfortable. I'm considering asking for some sort of psychological assessment of her ordered through family court. Do you think this is extreme? It will no doubt massively provoke the situation, but I'm genuinely concerned for my kids.

It seems odd for her to have a professional job at the same time as a recognisable porn hobby.

You can't request anything of the sort.

If you have serious concerns about the home environment or sexual abuse then report them both to the police/social services immediately.

But honestly? Your ex needs a child lock on his devices or children shouldn't go on his computer at all. That's the main issue sorted.
One could find sex toys in my house... Should I get my son packing for adoption right now or can it wait till the weekend?

But not unheard of.

OP, I used to do similar to make ends meet when my daughter was younger. Just because she gets her tits out for dirty old men for a couple of quid doesn’t mean she morally corrupt. She’s an adult and is making money how she sees fit.

I do agree about your ex needing a child lock on his computer/adult toys being locked away when your DC are around though.

Just because she gets her tits out for dirty old men for a couple of quid doesn’t mean she morally corrupt

i feel we’d be moving in the direction of morally corrupt. Certainly towards that end of the spectrum. Maybe not jaw dropping shock, but definitely more than raised eyebrow territory. For example if I was hiring a nanny and they had a porn side hustle I might shuffle her CV to the back kind of thing.

So for context the naked picture was his screensaver on his desktop which was easily visible, and the "sex toys" were a suitcase of dress up and bondage stuff - she was 13 at the time and couldn't understand the full scope of what everything was - far beyond the usual vibrator hidden in the knickers drawer! They use their home to make the porn content. My thought was that if my babysitter were doing this I would probably find another one, sorry if that offends anyone.

I think she's an exhibitionist. When I say professional it's not like a desk job, she works in live music at an international (household name) level.

I'm considering asking for some sort of psychological assessment of her ordered through family court

I dont think you'd have a snowballs chance in hell of that

If you are concerned about the sex things contact Children's services. They shouldn't be exposed to naked pics. Was this a one off or more than that?

Even if she is an exhibitionist ( which you don't know) that has nothing to do with you or your kids unless she's exposing herself to them.

I’m interested that you seem to be focusing a lot on her behaviour rather than your ex’s. He is the parent, he needs to take responsibility for exposing his children to potential harmful content. What she does is none of your business. It is up to your ex to ensure his children are safeguarded against his pornography. Of course you can’t get her assessed, that’s ridiculous, but you can protect your children from your ex’s habit by contacting social services.

I think the only thing they’ve done wrong is the screen saver
your 13 year old shouldn’t be routing through her things
under that strict moral code of yours teach your daughter about privacy

You need social services advice, or at least Barnardo's. Your children are being irresponsibly exposed to inappropriate material by their father.

I certainly wouldn’t be sending my children there. Have people missed their father is visible on the internet having sex with this woman? He obviously doesn’t care if his children see him actively indulging in porn, so what else will they be exposed to?
I’m sorry op, this is sordid and awful.

If there are pictures on the internet of her with your husband it's just not her that has questionable values. Yes, you should bring it to the court loop or at least your solicitors attention.

So no one whose ever been in porn should be allowed to have kids?

How would that be enforced?

she works in live music at an international (household name) level.

Are you saying she's an internationally known person?

I think you're focusing on her and not exDH enough. There are images online of him having sex with his girlfriend.

I would contact social services. Naked pics as a screensaver is not acceptable. https://www.stopitnow.org/advice-column-entry/is-it-considered-child-sexual-abuse-if-someone-shows-a-child-pornographic

OP is saying the girlfriend works for a household name

Presumably cafcass are involved? Can you ask them to consider it as part of their assessment?

At 13 I would have been horrified at the thought of my dad doing this and would never want to go there again. I wouldn't be happy sending my children their either. The father sounds irresponsible with the screen saver and leaving sex toys hanging around

I'm trying to be open minded about this, and when my DD initially told me she found some "sex toys and things" in dads room I told her exactly that. It's their business and she shouldn't be looking through their things. This was a year ago and she's been internalizing some trauma from this experience and voted with her feet. She's only just opened up about how uncomfortable this has made her feel, and told me the full extent of it. This coincided with me finding out about the porn creation / selling. I'm upset that I told her it's their business and shut it down without allowing her space to talk about how it made her feel - which IMO is more important than their father's privacy. And as it turns out it's not just their business because in a few short clicks online it's for anyone to see.

Surely it's an issue because the porn is actually being made in the home that the children are staying in? It's illegal to expose children to sexual activity - it is child abuse. SO the OP has every right to be concerned about the children's welfare.

This is not ok. The availability and normalisation to children of sex and sexual paraphernalia is grooming and child abuse. Jon Uhler talks about this on YouTube.

What adults do in their own time is their business but it is not for children.

Talk to Barnardo’s or someone. Talk to your daughter, apologise, say you were gobsmacked because it is so far from your experience you didn’t know what else to do but that you have taken advice and work from there.

Don’t send your children back if at all possible.

I repeat, this is not good. You are right to be deeply concerned. Your children's father does not have their interest at heart.

Surely it's sexual abuse to expose a child to porn on a screensaver? Wouldn't the courts be interested in that? I'm with you, OP. I'm staggered by the responses from some people earlier in this thread. I remember being exposed to pornography too early and was traumatised by what I saw.

Exactly

Document everything, contact social services to ask advice and refuse point blank to send them back there, he can see them outside of the house. It has nothing to do with this woman and everything to with the inappropriate environmental he has set up for them to be in. Let him take you to court.