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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

WWYD? Ex husbands new gf is sex worker/online porn

61 replies

MyWillow · 06/06/2024 00:19

Hi,

Posting here for opinions and advice. I am going through what is becoming a nasty divorce. Separated a few years, have 3 kids with my ex and I have residential custody - they visit him every other weekend if he's around.

I always suspected him of using porn and he cheated a few times before this recent one. Always made me suspicious, always online a lot etc. Left me for a child free younger woman during covid time and moved in with her. I've just found out that she does online porn. There are pictures and videos of her all over the internet - pretty explicit, including some of her and my ex having sex and oral etc. My eldest has stopped going to her dads house at all because she found some sex toys and things as well as a naked picture of the gf on her dads computer which made her feel uncomfortable (there were also a few other reasons she didn't want to go there). I don't know the new partner, he has never introduced me to her - but obviously I'm concerned about her moral values, and the exposure and influence she will have on my younger 2 kids. I'm not a prude and whilst I don't want to come across as prejudice against people who work in the sex industry, this is out of the scope of what I deem to be a healthy environment for kids to be raised in. Additionally, she has a professional job, this porn side hustle seems to be for kicks and attention more than financial need.

I cannot talk to my ex, we have a bad coparenting relationship, but this makes me very uncomfortable. I'm considering asking for some sort of psychological assessment of her ordered through family court. Do you think this is extreme? It will no doubt massively provoke the situation, but I'm genuinely concerned for my kids.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 07/06/2024 15:29

Just seen the update. Tell him to remove the screensaver or remove access to the pc

PansyPolly · 07/06/2024 16:46

@MyWillow is your ex aware of the suitcase incident and the screensaver incident?

QueenCamilla · 07/06/2024 16:50

@MyWillow I have been involved in a similar case where unfounded accusations were made about my exH - that our child was exposed to sex work and me as an alleged victim of his coercive control and even human trafficking. Firstly, I now think it was @AlbertVille who made that shit up and called the cops. There's clear modus operandi there 😂

What followed was so prolonged (5 years! ) and traumatic for everyone involved that I would be very, very careful about opening that lid.
I was ascribed as a victim to something that never happened and that was more difficult to shake off officialy than my ex's status of accused.
The social services dropped their involvement nearly straight away after their own concerns of false accusations but that didn't stop the police from doggedly pursuing their case.

I lost my office job, police early-dawn raided our house and confiscated every electronic device, including my phone, work laptop and child's game console. We didn't see those back for 2 years. The search completely traumatised me and DS. We were treated like shit, despite being the alleged victims.
Nothing of evidence was found during searches (apart from mention of condoms on the search report... 🙄)
ExH was arrested twice to be questioned, released with no charge on both occasions and yet was still stopped from seeing our son, contacting me or going near our home.

After being so invested in the case, including resource and budget wise, the police even attempted to mislead and coerce me into going to court as a victim. They were using my lack of knowledge of criminal procedures and lack of legal representation (a victim doesn't get a lawyer) to misconstrue my statements.

After years of this nightmare no official charges of any kind were brought against my exDH, all I got was an oral apology and "mistakes were made" and "someone took 2 and 2 and made 5 out of it".

I only shared my experience to urge to evaluate the weight of well-intentioned but maybe unfounded accusations vs the family chaos and trauma it can cause to everyone, including the named victims.

From the same experience:
I know that Social Services (and so follows that Family courts too) would want to be involved if there's sex work carried out in the home where children are staying. It wasn't the situation in our case but it was assessed. It isn't a crime in itself though, as there are thousands of mums on Only Fans filming in the family home whilst children are at school. The main focus will always be on what children might actually be exposed to directly. The parent would have to demonstrate safeguarding considerations in this matter.
If you want to go down this route with an official statement of concern, be prepared for social services involvement as a minimum and all of your children interviewed in age appropriate manner.

The pornography available online wouldn't be of concern (unless accessible to minors), accidental exposure to a nude pic wouldn't be either (my son has seen quite a lot in art museums) and nor would be a bagged stash of dress-up paraphernalia.

OP, if you haven't already, make your valid concerns known to ex. Tell him that social services wouldn't take lightly to sex work in the same home as children.
But an official report could potentially escalate and not achieve much other than untold amount of disruption.
I'd try to get him to rein it in first.

The most important - I do think he sounds like a vile cock slave. I have the ick reading about those escapades. Hopefully the old-age impotence will dampen his film career.

PansyPolly · 07/06/2024 16:52

“It should be locked away.”

Locked?

My sex toys and lingerie are put away, in drawers. They are not locked away. My kids don’t go in my room and open my drawers and they never have.

Keeping such items in a closed suitcase is reasonable. OP hasn’t said if her DD went into her dad’s room and found and opened the suitcase, or what the situation was.

And jumping to “the ex is probably involving his kids in the porn” is one hell of a leap!

PansyPolly · 07/06/2024 18:44

@MyWillow i have reread your posts.

you have said that your Co parenting relationship is so bad that you can’t even talk to him about this. So does he even know about these incidents?

There’s a lot of porn out there, OP. How did you find hers? Did someone tell you her porn name, or does she post under her real name, or something?

Spirallingdownwards · 07/06/2024 19:32

Report your exDH if anyone. He is the one exposing them to his screensaver and paraphernalia.

As usual a woman is getting the stick for this man's choices.

Ofcourseshecan · 10/06/2024 21:40

Maddy70 · 07/06/2024 15:27

Her job has nothing to do with you

She is allowed sex toys in her house

Her partner is allowed to have naked photos on his laptop

Your eldest shouldnt be searching

Comments like this make my blood run cold. Classic groomer’s script.

The child should not have been looking?The father leaves his laptop open with the screensaver showing his naked girlfriend to all who go past, including his daughter.

OP, I hope you can protect your DC from this.

MartinsSpareCalculator · 13/06/2024 21:43

Your daughter shouldn't be snooping. He should be told to change his screensaver.
Them doing porn is their business and it's weird that you've watched so many videos of them having sex really.

ThistleWitch · 13/06/2024 21:57

Maddy70 · 07/06/2024 15:27

Her job has nothing to do with you

She is allowed sex toys in her house

Her partner is allowed to have naked photos on his laptop

Your eldest shouldnt be searching

erm - did you read all the posts by the OP?

MyWillow · 14/06/2024 15:28

MartinsSpareCalculator · 13/06/2024 21:43

Your daughter shouldn't be snooping. He should be told to change his screensaver.
Them doing porn is their business and it's weird that you've watched so many videos of them having sex really.

It was curiosity actually. I was quite horrified and I wanted to know the extent of it - multiple channels etc. I'm sure you would want to know too if you were in my position incase it worse than run of the mill porn (which I think people are pretty complacent about in general).

OP posts:
wickerlady · 14/06/2024 15:37

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 06/06/2024 05:11

I certainly wouldn’t be sending my children there. Have people missed their father is visible on the internet having sex with this woman? He obviously doesn’t care if his children see him actively indulging in porn, so what else will they be exposed to?
I’m sorry op, this is sordid and awful.

This!!

Some people on here are unbelievable and everything that's wrong with society. OP you are right to be concerned, I couldn't have this around my children.

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