WWYD? Ex husbands new gf is sex worker/online porn

[MyWillow]

Hi,

Posting here for opinions and advice. I am going through what is becoming a nasty divorce. Separated a few years, have 3 kids with my ex and I have residential custody - they visit him every other weekend if he's around.

I always suspected him of using porn and he cheated a few times before this recent one. Always made me suspicious, always online a lot etc. Left me for a child free younger woman during covid time and moved in with her. I've just found out that she does online porn. There are pictures and videos of her all over the internet - pretty explicit, including some of her and my ex having sex and oral etc. My eldest has stopped going to her dads house at all because she found some sex toys and things as well as a naked picture of the gf on her dads computer which made her feel uncomfortable (there were also a few other reasons she didn't want to go there). I don't know the new partner, he has never introduced me to her - but obviously I'm concerned about her moral values, and the exposure and influence she will have on my younger 2 kids. I'm not a prude and whilst I don't want to come across as prejudice against people who work in the sex industry, this is out of the scope of what I deem to be a healthy environment for kids to be raised in. Additionally, she has a professional job, this porn side hustle seems to be for kicks and attention more than financial need.

I cannot talk to my ex, we have a bad coparenting relationship, but this makes me very uncomfortable. I'm considering asking for some sort of psychological assessment of her ordered through family court. Do you think this is extreme? It will no doubt massively provoke the situation, but I'm genuinely concerned for my kids.

As another poster said if when I was employing nannies if I found out any of them thought "getting their tits out for dirty old men" was an acceptable way of making a living I wouldn't want them around my child.

I agree. And believe me I have an extensive history of childhood sexual abuse in care.

But unless they are filming around the kids I don't think they can do much. The dad was an idiot to have that as his screen saver. That needs to be dealt with.

And the toys also inappropriate although given they weren't out in plain sight but the DD found them not much can be done there either.

As for a psychological examination of a woman who has a job but does cam work on the side that's not enough for a judge to do anything with.

As long as she's not exposing the kids ( which it was the dad not the girlfriend with the picture) she has done nothing wrong.

The courts will not order a psychological assessment on her, and you cannot request one. She is not mentally unwell just because she does porn.

If the porn is being filmed while the children are there, then yes that's child protection issue.

Sex toys is not a child protection issue, they're entitled to have them (don't we all?) and their responsibility to put them somewhere hidden, your child snooping and finding them is the issue. Or are we meant to lock them in a cupboard?

The screensaver is stupid, but again - social services are highly unlikely to swoop in because of it. They will advise dad to hide his porn better.

Making porn and being online isn't a child protection issue. Lots of mums do only fans for example. They still have kids.

You focus on the woman but your ex is 50% at fault here.

If it's going through court then mention it to Cafcass.

The screensaver is exposing children to porn, which is sexual abuse.

Exposing accidentally. Theres no intent. Yes he has accidentally exposed them to porn, but there was no intent here and the social services are not going to swoop in because the kids saw his screensaver. If it happened again then yes

This is my concern. I was married to the man, I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt his kids in this way. That being said I don't know her at all. My concern is that he thinks with his penis over his brain or his heart (he's always been like that) and that he just wouldn't realise that this kind of thing is inappropriate or harmful. But it is.

I was shown pornographic magazines and I was watched over whilst I read pornographic stories from those magazines in a deliberate campaign of sexual grooming by my abuser. I was 11yo.
So I don't take this topic lightly. And I don't appreciate it when some feel free to appropriate real suffering of victims for their custody battles, for ill-conceived criminalisation of events or to signal the superiority of their moral stance 🤮

OP, you either suspect your ex of deliberately exposing your teenager to erotica/pornography or you don't. Call the police if you do. Though one would think that "my dad has his girlfriend's tits as a screensaver" is more cringe than crime.

The 14 year old - she's old enough not to go somewhere she'd rather not. She can meet up for a Starbucks with her dad and doesn't have to stay over - I mean what teenager would want to in this situation! I can completely understand that.

You have no grounds at all to ask for a psychological assessment of her.

The screensaver was your ex’s fault, not hers. He should have taken the SS off whilst the kids were over.

If the toys and outfits were in a suitcase in their room, unless they deliberately left it open on the bed and told your DD to go in and get something, they were either forgetful it was open or mistaken in thinking that she had no need to go in there.

Is your ex actually aware of one or both of the above incidents?

As others have said, if your DD would rather see her dad out of their house, then so be it, she’s old enough to express her wishes

It’s not right, as an adult fair enough we can talk about being open minded but through the eyes of a child this environment is very damaging

A psychological assessment? Is this a joke? You cannot be serious!

You are not a prude at all. Letting children see pornography is sexual abuse and a crime.

She isn’t the real problem here, he is. He is letting (or making) his child be exposed to material which if it was a friends house would immediately raise significant issues.

What he/they are doing to your child is fucking horrible, and he should not be allowed to do it. He has obviously no problem trashing his relationship with his child for the sake of peen, so then you have to step up.
If she’s 13, you can help her to say she isn’t going to the house and the relationship will have to be organized differently.

I cannot believe how many people are OK with this.

How old are your younger 2?

Who on this thread has said they are ok with it @AlbertVille ?

I agree. Plenty of potential child abusers on this thread who think leaving pornography lying around for children to find is OK. I hope they are not parents but sadly I suspect they might be seeing as this is Mumsnet.

There are people who have minimised it. Go back and read the whole thread

I think many people have underestimated how bad this has the potential to be, possibly including OP given that she describes him as thoughtless rather than malicious.

1. Both the dad and his partner are sloppy about protecting the children from being exposed to pornography. The fact the screensaver is the partner and she is still OK with it is very problematic.
2. if it helps, imagine OP saying “what’s the problem with my boyfriend’s cock being my screensaver? It’s absolutely grim.
3. What the absolute fuck with the bondage gear. The onus is absolutely on dad/partner to keep their kink🤮 away from children. He knows they’re coming. It should be locked away. And even if the kids went snooping- so what? The onus is on them to protect the children.
4. Now imagine clueless Dad likes the extra money, maybe he can persuade his daughter into it? Given the situation with OP should be consider the possibility that the girlfriend has perhaps been coerced into it, and now young teen girls are going there too.

I always find it useful to think about what you would say to an adult friend who experienced this as a child. Because “If the toys and outfits were in a suitcase in their room … they were either forgetful it was open or mistaken in thinking that [you] had no need to go in there.” is both victim blaming and minimizing. Actually it’s a friendship ending blunder, so no need to patronize a 13 year old with “they forgot”. It’s his responsibility not to forget- and it’s important not to forget to keep pornography /kink away from children

@mycatisanarcissist

Did you read a different thread?
Who left "pornography lying about"?

The odds are (OP, correct me if I'm wrong) that the screensaver was Page3 rather than "pornography".
If you actually believe your own outrage then why are you not calling for the perpetrators to be arrested?

@AlbertVille

You're off your rocker. Just that.

12 and 7 : (

On an informative note:

In terms of exposure to pornography and nudes:

*52% of ALL sexual crimes against children are currently perpetrated by other children (including in-person assaults)

*When it comes to reported offences relating to distribution of child nudes (where the victim is aged 10-17) , in 9 out of 10 (!) the accused is a child under the age of 18, with the most common offending age of 14.

*The most common age for self-generated nudes is 14 (data from the reported offences).

*At least one in four teens admits to receiving sexually explicit messages.

*The most common way for teens to be exposed to nudes is Snapchat and WhatsApp.

What is happening amongst the teens of daughter's age is terrifying, unfortunately commonplace and much worse than happening upon a bag of leather undies and ropes.
Don't get me wrong, I'd be queasy at any indication of my parent's sex life. But can't we be disapproving of an event without also criminalising it?

Going on statistics, the daughter very well might have been already exposed to ACTUAL sex crimes relating to pornography. More so shockingly, she might have been an offender.

With the information as presented by the OP, the outrage (by some) is over the top here.
Yeah, the man and his GF should pack in their highly-sexed lifestyle when children are visiting. I mean... Yuck.
But if this amounts to crime, then the organisers of Pride parades should serve lengthy prison sentences - what with all the teens in attendance exposed to full glory of fetishes.

OP, does ex know what you've written here and have you had a serious talk with him? Has he been told to pack it in? Have there been any other incidents since a year ago? Does the daughter stay over still (I hope she doesn't) ?

@MyWillow

What do you think should happen taking in account what your DD saw? Do you think your children's dad shouldn't be allowed contact?

@AlbertVille your final point on your last post is just ridiculous, and a massive stretch.

I'm genuinely torn. My initial reaction was outrage that this was happening in a house where my children go, and that I didn't want them anywhere near that behaviour. I know legally my ex should have access to his kids, I know that porn is widely used by parents, I know that kids are exposed to it long before they should be etc..... but I also know that "porn" is a sliding scale. I'm horrified that there are recent videos on the internet of my ex having sex with his gf - and that my teenage daughters could see that. I've seen a video of my ex's gf masturbating in my kids tree house, and in the shower in their house. I've seen a picture of my ex ejaculating on her face with their cat that my son snuggles in the background. Whilst I'm trying to be open minded, this is not "their private business that they do when the kids aren't around" because once you upload it to the internet it becomes anyones business.

BUT the reason I've reached out on here is to gauge peoples opinions - it's not something we talk about in the open, so I don't know how far my outrage is warranted in a societal context, or in family court.

Google your county name and then mash. You will get the local children’s services front door who can either give advice, signpost you to the right place or put you forward for social services assessment. I highly doubt they’d want to complete an assessment but I think they’d be helpful in allowing you to think about how you approach this with your ex, as ultimately that’s what needs to happen, tricky relationship or not. You can then go back to him and say, I’ve spoken to children’s services and they’ve said you need to change your screen saver, hide sex toys, and speak with our daughter to apologise and reassure her you will make sure she doesn’t feel uncomfortable. If he kicks off about you seeking support or refuses to do it, then you can ring children’s services back and ask them for advice again. It may well be that they want to do an assessment.

op I too had a very contentious divorce and very hard time with parenting in two homes. I would use all this information to
prevent them from going to and staying at his house.. still seeing him but not her not the toys not the screensaver or whatever else is lurking there. Involve whoever in the UK sees to a child’s best interests post divorced. In the US it’s a guardian ad litem. By involving them you are advocating for your children indicating you see this as a serious breach of parenting/child safeguarding and let the incidents stack up. One by one they do stack up unless he wises up and puts his children first. Anytime you talk with anyone in the legal system re; your children always respond with a child centered answer. Everytime. Not I don’t like it…the children have voiced they don’t like it. Practice voicing your concerns in this way.

Her job has nothing to do with you

She is allowed sex toys in her house

Her partner is allowed to have naked photos on his laptop

Your eldest shouldnt be searching