To cut my losses or fight for equity

[CammoMammo]

DH and I don’t work together. He is controlling and unpleasant. He takes his bad moods out on DS (6), and every 6 months or so, he tells me he wants a
divorce but won’t give me half of the equity for our home and rental because he was already a mortgaged home owner when we met and it was his money that paid the deposit for the rental. He the looks on Right Move for studio flats he’ll buy me.

The problem is, I don’t earn a lot and my car is in his name. I have been gaining qualifications for the last two years, which puts me in the £28k a year salary range but I am so far unsuccessful in securing one. My current take home is £1100 a month but rent for a 2-bed in my town and surrounding areas is about £900 a month.

Another issue is the bloody rental property. It’s 300 miles away, so not an option to move into, but because there is more than £30,000 equity, I won’t qualify for UC, as DWP class this the same as cash in the bank.

He won’t give me a share of the house unless the court orders it, but I will never get on the property ladder again without it, as I only have 22 years until retirement and limited earning potential.

Should I just cut my losses once I find a full-time job and let him have a quick divorce and keep the lot, or should I go through a lengthy, expensive and nasty process go get what I am legally entitled to? Should I call Women’s Aid?

I have no family in the area and he has seen to it that I have no close friends. I am scared of him and can’t wait for him to be back at work tomorrow.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I think I just needed to get this out of my head and into my phone.

@LemonTT

After checking house prices last night, I don’t think I will able to buy a place anyway. I won’t get UC if I own a rental, but I also won’t get it if I get any equity from the house.

I am forever being accused of only marrying him to get my hands on his house and assets, which is why I am thinking to hell with it and just take my name off it. It’s so much harder when you literally have no one to hold your hand.

I know I won’t get UC. I won’t get it either way.

Please contact womens aid for support and advice, and also speak to a solicitor.
For your sake and your child's sake you need to be prepared to fight for what is rightfully yours to secure your futures. Your H's opinions on the matter are irrelevant.

Thank you. None of the solicitors in my area offer a free 30 minutes, which is what I hear so many people being advised to do but I will find the money to pay for one.

In my experience all men consider a divorce settlement as giving their exW their assets. I bought exH out of our property Andrew took over the mortgage, and he still believes his narrative that I got the house and he had to start again with nothing.

Get the best solicitor you can, but use them wisely, do as much of the leg work as you can yourself, get all your paperwork together, go prepared, speak to friends with experience so you understand the process. Make sure that if your solicitor is writing to his solicitor they cover as much as possible and don't send multiple letters.

Re pension, he was self employed until this year, so only bas about £3000 in his pot. He has it in his head that you can’t trust pensions, so has always refused to take one out. My pot is only about £10k but is more than his. In my job search, I am trying to find an employer that gives more than the legal minimum.

Do you have copies of everything financial? Shares, accounts, pensions, mortgages, tax, everything and anything. If not, start getting these things together before he gets chance to hide stuff away.

We have separate finances.

I think you need to focus on the present problem which is that you are in an abusive relationship. This needs to end and you need to speak to Women’s aid and get support to help you separate safely.

Once you are no longer being coerced and abused you will be in a better position about the other things. They or other agencies can help with benefits and other claims. You might not get the housing element as a home owner but you may be entitled to other help.

Focus on the main problem, living with him. All the other stuff are hurdles to cross in the future. Do that when you are mentally stronger and free of coercion.

Thanks for your response. I agree. I feel like I need to find a decent job and move out ASAP. Once that fall out is done, I will be a able to move on to the rest.

I don't think free consultations are that good tbh. They will only cover the basics for a broad range of circumstances and you could probably research that information online anyway. To get a more tailored response you need to pay. I paid £200 for an hour with the head of the solicitors office but all continuing paperwork is being done by a paralegal(?) who is cheaper per hour but the senior partner is overseeing it all. I'm doing the actual divorce online but the solicitor is dealing with the financial side, which is making the process less expensive.

Make sure any correspondence to your solicitor is factual and not any venting or emotional responses. You are paying them by the minute so make sure those minutes count. Vent to friends, therapist or here.

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your advice.

One thing I am good at is sticking to facts and not giving opinion. My husband, on the other hand, is terrible at this and is an awful fabricator. I have email address I use to send myself emails of unpleasant events that have happened. I guess it acts as a kind of diary/journal.

From a olmoral perspective he’s right.
You came to the marriage with no assets and no career while he contributed it all. It’s completely understandable he’s not happy about that

but, morals don’t come into divorce and by marrying you and then having a child he’s signed away those assets to the joint pot.

from here on it’s a business transaction working out how to split - and a court first and foremost look to ensure minor children are housed, and if necessary will award a lower earner a greater share of assets

hence you simply need to teLl him you’re seeking legal advise and to deal with it through them

Thank you. Yes, I totally understand the moral stance and where he’s coming from. I gave up my entire life and job to move and be with him. He was so oppressed to me getting a part time job last year because those are 18 hours of the week he can’t control what I am doing.

I will get no UC if I sign everything over to him, as this is deprivation of capital. My earning potential is £27-30k a year but rent in my area is £850-950 a month. I know I can manage on that but I also know he’ll be able to buy DS’s favour.

Even if you think you won't get any money from UC it might be worth applying for it anyway as it could open up other doors for you such as free prescriptions or dentists, etc. The worst they can do is say no you can't. The money you get from the divorce is ignored by UC for six months I believe if you are using it as a deposit on another home. Call Citizens Advice for more information on that.

Good luck OP. I'm still in the middle of the process myself but step by step I'm slowly getting to the end. Keep your eyes on the prize - freedom

Thank you. I had a long chat with DWP at Christmas but without sounding rude, I had a lot of difficulty understanding the European accent of the woman I spike to. From what I can gather, the biggest issue is the rental property we own. As there is £30k of equity in it, this is regarded the same as cash savings when it comes to UC. Even if I could get the childcare discount, it would help loads, as I would be looking at £200+ a month otherwise.

Well done for taking the steps. I hope it’s not too stressful and draining for you.

Have you considered applying for an occupation order so you and da stay in the fmh and your ex moves out while divorce and settlement is being finalised?

No. He won’t give the house up. He just won’t. He’s a controlling man and I am terrified of him. The only way I can leave him is to move out while he’s at work.

He won’t have a choice if you secure an occupation order.
he would be removed

Would he still have to pay the mortgage?

Please do fight for what you are legally due, OP, as this will be for your child as well as you. Your husband cannot in all conscience be allowed to cause his child to live in less good housing than himself while he earns 70k. Do get proper (not free) advice on splitting your marital assets. You did contribute a lot by taking lesser earnings to bring up his child. Please don't give up - you deserve a fair split, which a solicitor can advise on. Can you move away, and start over, perhaps back to where you had friends and family?

To be honest, I would imagine there’s going to be a custody battle too. When he told us to leave at Christmas but then changed his mind, he was calling me a selfish cunt (one of his favourite names for me) for not wanting to be with my son every day like he does. There is no way for me to leave the area.

I think he is trying to make you leave/flee the house.

Do not. Fight for everything. You need some space away from him though, to see clearly. He is far worse than you realise.

I am so sorry OP. Much strength to you.

I think I have explained poorly. He would rather make things work but not for the right reasons. He doesn’t want to give up ‘his’ assets, he doesn’t want to not see his son every day despite spending little quality time with him, and he doesn’t want to lose face.

I don’t have any interest in staying in the house. It’s horrible. I am knee deep in his junk. We can’t invite people in. The garden is unusable for the third summer in a row. I don’t want him and I don’t want the house. I just want a little home with my son.

Well I guess that you need to build some resilience and get legal advice. It would be madness to walk away because it's the easiest thing to do. Speak to your relatives, get some support and work out a plan. Find your inner doberman.