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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child maintenance query

64 replies

Emsy999 · 11/05/2024 18:44

A little advice needed please.

I separated from my husband 2 years ago and I moved out a year ago. He has refused to give me any financial help towards the children since then - no contributions to clothes, haircuts, childcare etc. I got to the point when I couldn't do it alone any longer and I applied to the CMS. My husband was not happy about this at all and went mad. They have contacted him and said he needs to pay me maintenance based on the fact our two young boys are with me 60% of the time. He's managing to punish me in other ways (which I won't go into) but he's now saying that I need to use the maintenance I receive from him (£170ish per month) to supply him with clothes whilst they're at his house?

I can't seem to find any definitive answer online as to what maintenance covers but surely I shouldn't have to provide clothes, toothbrushes etc for them whilst they are with him in his care?

OP posts:
ByUmberViewer · 11/05/2024 18:47

Can't they just pack a bag when they go there?

Cerialkiller · 11/05/2024 18:50

No you don't. He should be providing everything while they are with him, especially as it's 40%. Won't stop him from stealing the clothes to send them in, refusing to return school uniform, sending the kids back in too small clothes while he keeps the better ones. I have read some people have to go to court over this issue and your ex seems the type.

Original poster
Emsy999 · 11/05/2024 18:58

ByUmberViewer · 11/05/2024 18:47

Can't they just pack a bag when they go there?

If I do that he won't send them back with anything, he'll keep it there as he's done previously..

OP posts:
Original poster
Emsy999 · 11/05/2024 19:00

Cerialkiller · 11/05/2024 18:50

No you don't. He should be providing everything while they are with him, especially as it's 40%. Won't stop him from stealing the clothes to send them in, refusing to return school uniform, sending the kids back in too small clothes while he keeps the better ones. I have read some people have to go to court over this issue and your ex seems the type.

He already does all of this already so I'm not sure why he's asking me to go out and buy them more clothes, he should have loads there. He's just annoyed I've asked him to provide for his children I think

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 11/05/2024 19:01

Maintenance is a contribution for the kids time with you. He needs to pay the costs of the kids time with him eg food, clothes.

I send my kids with clothes etc but they are old enough to bring back their stuff and it doesn’t bother me that I have to wash their clothes but if he’s angry then it sounds like he could be the type to keep their clothes to punish you- a story that I have read on here many times (males and females doing this )

snakewillow · 11/05/2024 19:09

No, you shouldn't have to. The maintenance he has been told to pay will have been reduced due to them being there 40% of the time, because you (in theory) do not have outgoings related to them during that time.

Saying that, men like this will dig their heels in and likely see their children in the same clothes all weekend rather than put their hand in their pocket, my ex included.

In the end I used to give my ex older clothes (tatty but still fitting) or bits I had found cheaply at car boot sales so I knew they had something there.

Don't start packing a bag otherwise you will also be responsible for the washing of it when it comes back. Unfortunately you can't force these twats to be proper dads but there are ways to minimise how much their actions affect you and your DC.

Skybluepinky · 11/05/2024 19:11

Go to a charity shop and buy a few outfits send them in one and give him more than enough to last whilst they r there.

Cerialkiller · 11/05/2024 19:12

How predictable of him.

BookArt · 12/05/2024 10:44

Any clothes he sends the kids back in keep and then send the kids in those the following weekend. I have also started photographing the clothed and receipts and writing my name on the label, which is madness. But if this continues I financially can't afford it so will have proof that I bought everything.

Unfortunately it's a control tactic, and you just have to manage it... my ex sent me a list of things he wanted for his house. I told him, after advice from here, that he was welcome to supply things the children need at his house just as I do at my house. Unfortunately i hear that this us very common and infuriating.

But if you start doing anything now he will expect it forever. Start putting in new boundaries now and say no. You're in the right, remember that.

Zanatdy · 12/05/2024 12:14

I’d show him the calculation for 100% with you, and 60% with you to show him he’s meant to be providing them with food and clothes in that time as he’s paying less to accommodate this

WoodBurningStov · 12/05/2024 12:19

My ex used to make my dd get changed in the doorstep so he could take 'his' clothes back with him. Poor dd it was awful for her.

But no, he pays you for the time the dc are with you, it's up to him to provide food, clothes etc whilst they are with him.

Just grey rock him, don't respond in anyway. Simple yes or no answers. Don't 'prove' anything to him. Don't argue, if he tries to pull you into an argument simply say 'we'll have to agree to disagree' and rinse and repeat until he gets bored

Notcms · 12/05/2024 20:19

I don't send a bag.

Whatever mine return home in they wear to ex house the next time.

It infuriates ex 🤣

I have lost so many clothes, school uniforms, new shoes etc that the 1 outfit just goes round and round now.

I do send any needed uniforms eg, scouts brownies etc. finally they are being returned as kid now calls to say I need my X please drop it off

Original poster
Emsy999 · 02/06/2024 08:50

More grief from my ex. He's still saying that he needs clothes for the boys whilst they're with him and now he's sending me invoices for clubs that they are doing (that he signed them up for whilst they're with him on his days) saying I should be paying them. He said he spoke to the CMS and they said he shouldn't be paying for their clubs. (They're probably assuming it's for time they're with me). If I sign my children up for clubs that they do on my days I will pay for them, I wouldn't ask him to contribute to that.

I just can't find any definitive answer anywhere. I was under the impression that his contribution to me was for the time the children are with me? Surely if he's signed them up for clubs for when they are with him he should be paying for them?

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 02/06/2024 09:00

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

MadeForThis · 02/06/2024 09:02

Just don't pay. He entered into an agreement with the club. Not you.

Singleandproud · 02/06/2024 09:11

Not quite sure why my other post is being reviewed, fairly sure I didn't say anything remotely controversial.

The maintenance is to cover the living costs when they are with you that's it. If he signs them up to groups in his time, or has to put them in childcare that's on him

Ignore the invoices, they are meaningless and even if a solicitor sends a letter, that too means nothing unless it gets court backing (which it won't)

Crumpetsssss · 02/06/2024 09:15

No. He pays for what they need on ‘his’ time. You pay (using CM towards it) for yours.

Its good of him to keep reminding you why he’s an ex though 😉

LaurieFairyCake · 02/06/2024 09:26

You just do and say nothing

He literally can't force you to respond, so don't

Just send them in exactly the same (very cheap) clothes every time with nothing else

There is NOTHING he can do

Original poster
Emsy999 · 02/06/2024 11:48

Thank you everyone. I thought this was the case but seeing as he's claiming to have spoken to the CMS and they are saying he shouldn't be paying for the clubs I just wanted to check. I will call them tomorrow to confirm.

He reminds me everyday why he's an ex. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 02/06/2024 15:10

CMS won't have told him that, it is the bare minimum he should be paying. Many dads/ non-resident parents pay CMS and towards other extras on top like expensive school trips, school uniforms etc so there is no way the CMS told him not to pay for anything else.

He isn't going to be one of those dads though, he's going to be of the variety that begrudges you every penny.

Original poster
Emsy999 · 03/06/2024 09:49

Singleandproud · 02/06/2024 15:10

CMS won't have told him that, it is the bare minimum he should be paying. Many dads/ non-resident parents pay CMS and towards other extras on top like expensive school trips, school uniforms etc so there is no way the CMS told him not to pay for anything else.

He isn't going to be one of those dads though, he's going to be of the variety that begrudges you every penny.

Oh he begrudges me SO MUCH that he has to pay me for his own children, it really is awful. Says he's "entitled" to 50/50 custody but then resents (and tries to get out of) contributing towards them. I just don't understand how they can behave like it (and have no recourse from the courts).

I was pretty sure that the CMS wouldn't have told him he shouldn't be paying for their clubs. It's just more lies and threats which is what I'm used to.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 03/06/2024 10:20

I just wouldn't engage with him. CMS is fabulous for putting a middle 'man' between you re finances.

Keep communication strictly to the children and their availability and minimise this (communication not contact). Eventually he may come out the other side as a semi reasonable person in a few years but right now he is in defense mood. Once DD reached 12 she was in charge of sorting out her time with dad, I just put any specific events in our google calendar so she knew when we were busy or had things pre-booked and she decided how much and when she saw him. I only have to make minimal small talk with him on the occasional rugby matches she plays but that's very rare that he comes as has a toddler now.

FatfunandADHD · 04/06/2024 14:28

Just to reiterate CMS will 100% not say what should and shouldn't be paid for with CMS money and if a parent has to contribute more than the statutory amount.

waterSpider · 04/06/2024 15:11

All these detailed questions about what CMS is for, and what happens in each home, have no satisfactory answers in the law or any regulations. It's just about a transfer of an amount of money given earnings and children and nights. You could spend it all on nail bars, or all on one child, and CMS wouldn't have anything useful to say. Ethics/morals (and even common sense!) are different, but not always shared.

Original poster
Emsy999 · 04/06/2024 20:27

Singleandproud · 03/06/2024 10:20

I just wouldn't engage with him. CMS is fabulous for putting a middle 'man' between you re finances.

Keep communication strictly to the children and their availability and minimise this (communication not contact). Eventually he may come out the other side as a semi reasonable person in a few years but right now he is in defense mood. Once DD reached 12 she was in charge of sorting out her time with dad, I just put any specific events in our google calendar so she knew when we were busy or had things pre-booked and she decided how much and when she saw him. I only have to make minimal small talk with him on the occasional rugby matches she plays but that's very rare that he comes as has a toddler now.

Thank you!

I've received endless Whatsapp messages over the last two days trying to blackmail me into paying the mortgage.. he's literally relentless. We were in court 2 weeks ago and the judge said we have to both start using a communication app (for communication regarding the children) which I've installed and will send to him. I'll then block him on Whatsapp. I just can't live like this.

OP posts: