Page 2 | Child maintenance query

Emsy999 · 2024-05-11T17:44:39+00:00

A little advice needed please. I separated from my husband 2 years ago and I moved out a year ago. He has refused to give me any financial help towards the children since then - no contributions to clothes, haircuts, childcare etc. I got to the point when I couldn't do it alone any longer and I applied to the CMS. My husband was not happy about this at all and went mad. They have contacted him and said he needs to pay me maintenance based on the fact our two young boys are with me 60% of the time. He's managing to punish me in other ways (which I won't go into) but he's now saying that I need to use the maintenance I receive from him (£170ish per month) to supply him with clothes whilst they're at his house? I can't seem to find any definitive answer online as to what maintenance covers but surely I shouldn't have to provide clothes, toothbrushes etc for them whilst they are with him in his care?

the2andahalfmillion · 05/06/2024 18:06

What a git. Communication app is the way to go, WhatsApp is AWFUL when you have an unreasonable high conflict ex. Completely right to block.

it might be a good idea to get some advice on housing ie what you’re responsible for paying because if it’s eg a joint mortgage and you default… you don’t want that.

He doesn’t seem the reasonable type and is probably drinking all that ‘money grabbing ex, taking me to the cleaners’ MRA stuff available online.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/06/2024 22:32

Emsy999 · 02/06/2024 08:50

More grief from my ex. He's still saying that he needs clothes for the boys whilst they're with him and now he's sending me invoices for clubs that they are doing (that he signed them up for whilst they're with him on his days) saying I should be paying them. He said he spoke to the CMS and they said he shouldn't be paying for their clubs. (They're probably assuming it's for time they're with me). If I sign my children up for clubs that they do on my days I will pay for them, I wouldn't ask him to contribute to that.

I just can't find any definitive answer anywhere. I was under the impression that his contribution to me was for the time the children are with me? Surely if he's signed them up for clubs for when they are with him he should be paying for them?

You're right he is wrong

Original poster

Emsy999 · 05/06/2024 22:49

the2andahalfmillion · 05/06/2024 18:06

What a git. Communication app is the way to go, WhatsApp is AWFUL when you have an unreasonable high conflict ex. Completely right to block.

it might be a good idea to get some advice on housing ie what you’re responsible for paying because if it’s eg a joint mortgage and you default… you don’t want that.

He doesn’t seem the reasonable type and is probably drinking all that ‘money grabbing ex, taking me to the cleaners’ MRA stuff available online.

I've reminded him twice now that the judge requested us use an app for communication and he's still ignoring this and flooding me with WhatsApp messages. He's relentless.

More tonight about how he was on the phone for an hour to the CMS and the woman definitely said that the maintenance he pays me should cover ALL clothes and that he doesn't have to pay for clubs so if I don't want to use the maintenance I get from him to pay for them then I have to now tell our daughter that she can't do them. (These are the clubs that he signed her up for on the days he has her). More emotional blackmail. I'm not sure why I expected any different from him to be honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emsy999 · 05/06/2024 22:51

He will start asking me for receipts to prove what I'm using the maintenance for soon!
I don't have to supply him with receipts right?

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RandomMess · 05/06/2024 22:56

Stop reminding him.

Block him on everything and use the app only and use it ONLY about contact time - drop off & pick up for the DC.

He gets school info from the school direct.

Of course you don't provide receipts and of course you don't pay for anything he has signed up to.

What is the contact pattern with your ex.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/06/2024 23:19

The only thing that worked for me was stopping ALL unnecessary communication. If he texted me something that didn't need a reply for DS's sake, I ignored it. It eventually worked and he stopped messaging me for stupid things.

No you don't have to provide receipts for anything you spend money on.

No you don't provide clothing for his time with the children.

No you don't pay bills for clubs when they're with him.

If you ignore him for long enough he'll give up cos he'll realise he's wasting his time.

Redlarge · 05/06/2024 23:22

Emsy999 · 11/05/2024 18:58

If I do that he won't send them back with anything, he'll keep it there as he's done previously..

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Don't supply him with anything. He's trying to punish you. He is a parent. He pays for their requirements when he has them.
How embarrassing for him to ask.

Theredoubtableskins · 05/06/2024 23:23

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/06/2024 23:19

The only thing that worked for me was stopping ALL unnecessary communication. If he texted me something that didn't need a reply for DS's sake, I ignored it. It eventually worked and he stopped messaging me for stupid things.

No you don't have to provide receipts for anything you spend money on.

No you don't provide clothing for his time with the children.

No you don't pay bills for clubs when they're with him.

If you ignore him for long enough he'll give up cos he'll realise he's wasting his time.

Just keep reading this. And hold firm with him!

Redlarge · 05/06/2024 23:25

Emsy999 · 04/06/2024 20:27

Thank you!

I've received endless Whatsapp messages over the last two days trying to blackmail me into paying the mortgage.. he's literally relentless. We were in court 2 weeks ago and the judge said we have to both start using a communication app (for communication regarding the children) which I've installed and will send to him. I'll then block him on Whatsapp. I just can't live like this.

Show quote history

Block him. Only log into the app when you really have to and only reply to absolutely necessary things about kids eg emergencies or sickness.
If he uses it to abuse delete it and tell the court you will not accept/be forced to be abused under the guise of child discussion. I did. They can't force you if you provide evidence of his rants in fact they can't force you full stop. I did. Best thing ever breaking all communication

randomusernam · 05/06/2024 23:27

To add to the PP you don't have to tell daughter about clubs. If they are on his days and he signed her up just let him explain it. Dont do the dirty work.

RandomMess · 05/06/2024 23:31

Part of the purpose of the app is that what he writes in it etc is court admissible.

So he is abusive and it's all there in black and white. Sounds like the court has already sussed him out.

Sashya · 05/06/2024 23:45

So sorry. Men turn into such idiots in these situations.
Mine tried to get me to pay for some special climbing shoes for the activity he does with DD on his weekends. And I said - would I have to buy you and her a horse if you sign her up for riding?.... Shut him right up.

How old are you kids? Unfortunately there will be times where he'll be playing these games. But kids will eventually see through it.
As to the activity - do talk to your daughter and try to explain in age appropriate terms. If it's an activity she really likes - and you can afford it - switch it to YOUR weekends and take her.

And ignore / block him on WhA. Move to app or email. And - only reply to things that are relevant for contact.

No - you do not have to account for how you spend child maintenance. You can tell him CMS told you as you have 40/60 - he is liable for 40% of all clothes budget - including uniform. And 40% of school clubs, etc. Two can play this game. Except this is actually correct.

Redlarge · 05/06/2024 23:46

RandomMess · 05/06/2024 23:31

Part of the purpose of the app is that what he writes in it etc is court admissible.

So he is abusive and it's all there in black and white. Sounds like the court has already sussed him out.

You are assuming they care??? Not in my 4 years of experience.

Original poster

Emsy999 · 06/06/2024 07:29

RandomMess · 05/06/2024 22:56

Stop reminding him.

Block him on everything and use the app only and use it ONLY about contact time - drop off & pick up for the DC.

He gets school info from the school direct.

Of course you don't provide receipts and of course you don't pay for anything he has signed up to.

What is the contact pattern with your ex.

But I can't block him on everything without him signing up and be willing to use the app surely? I need to be able to be contactable regarding children arrangements/sickness etc and he knows it. He won't sign up to the app because this is another way of controlling me.

In terms of contact, it really has been hell. He's withheld medical information regarding our children, he's constantly sending messages (claiming to be just informing me) of the mortgage situation (he's refusing to pay it even though he lives there alone) because I applied for child maintenance, trying to threaten and force me into accepting his out of court financial offer (even though I've told him numerous times I will not be accepting it). It's almost as if, he can't not have contact, like his life hasn't purpose somehow by not being in contact with me. It's eating him up that he's not controlling me anymore but his behaviour has to stop. I can't go on like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emsy999 · 06/06/2024 07:32

Redlarge · 05/06/2024 23:25

Block him. Only log into the app when you really have to and only reply to absolutely necessary things about kids eg emergencies or sickness.
If he uses it to abuse delete it and tell the court you will not accept/be forced to be abused under the guise of child discussion. I did. They can't force you if you provide evidence of his rants in fact they can't force you full stop. I did. Best thing ever breaking all communication

Show quote history

He isn't using the app yet so I can't block him on everything else.

I'm glad the court helped you, they did sweet FA last week in court for me regarding his awful behaviour. If anything, they were sweeping the abuse under the carpet to try and get me to agree to 50/50 custody. I just couldn't believe it.

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Redlarge · 06/06/2024 07:35

Emsy999 · 06/06/2024 07:29

But I can't block him on everything without him signing up and be willing to use the app surely? I need to be able to be contactable regarding children arrangements/sickness etc and he knows it. He won't sign up to the app because this is another way of controlling me.

In terms of contact, it really has been hell. He's withheld medical information regarding our children, he's constantly sending messages (claiming to be just informing me) of the mortgage situation (he's refusing to pay it even though he lives there alone) because I applied for child maintenance, trying to threaten and force me into accepting his out of court financial offer (even though I've told him numerous times I will not be accepting it). It's almost as if, he can't not have contact, like his life hasn't purpose somehow by not being in contact with me. It's eating him up that he's not controlling me anymore but his behaviour has to stop. I can't go on like this.

Show quote history

This is harrassment and coersive behaviour. Text him clearly and simply... you are only to contact me with medical or change in contact details nothing else then show the police and ask them to speak to him. Keep everything.
He's a twat like my ex.

Original poster

Emsy999 · 06/06/2024 07:44

RandomMess · 05/06/2024 23:31

Part of the purpose of the app is that what he writes in it etc is court admissible.

So he is abusive and it's all there in black and white. Sounds like the court has already sussed him out.

They have NOT sussed him out at all. We were in court last week and both his barrister (I get why) AND the judge were completely dismissive of his awful behaviour. Didn't care that I had proof, only interested if it was affecting the children's welfare which I said it does (and will into the future if he's not stopped). The judge was completely unprofessional and unprepared for the hearing - she'd completely missed my position statement that I'd sent her 4 days prior so hadn't read about the abuse. When she'd realised she'd missed it she DIDN'T make us wait for 10 minutes until she had, she just continued on with the hearing listening to his barrister deny everything. It wasn't until he lied about something (that I made the judge aware of) that she agreed to do a CAFCASS report. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have agreed to it otherwise and would have just let the abuse go. It seems mental abuse isn't condoned as much as physical (and even that is swept under the carpet so they be seen to be being fair on the other parent by agreeing 50/50). Oh my gosh, the system is so wrong and I feel so let down from that happened to me (and our children) last week. They were both trying to get me to drop the allegations as the fact finding hearing is so "long and drawn out" and will affect the children. I try and protect our children from him and his behaviour at all costs but I suppose she meant that CAFCASS will have to speak to the eldest (6).

I'm also still breastfeeding the youngest (2) and the judge was trying to get me to agree to one week with him, one week with me during the summer holidays. "Well, your youngest can still breastfeed but just when she's with you for the week" oh my gosh, no idea at all!

I didn't accept anything, stood firm and we're due another dispute hearing in September. But in the meantime, he will make my life as hell as he can because that's him, that's what he does and if no one tells him what he's doing is wrong he won't stop.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emsy999 · 06/06/2024 07:47

Redlarge · 05/06/2024 23:46

You are assuming they care??? Not in my 4 years of experience.

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As my previous post says, they didn't care at all! If anything, they almost felt sorry for him and were trying to get me to let it go. It was utter hell last week in court and I was being made out to be the bad guy for putting our children through the process of looking into these allegations.

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Original poster

Emsy999 · 06/06/2024 07:48

Redlarge · 05/06/2024 23:46

You are assuming they care??? Not in my 4 years of experience.

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I'm so sorry you have been going through this for 4 years @Redlarge

It literally consumes your life and you just can't make a clean break because of the children. It's so wrong.

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Keepthosenamesgoing · 06/06/2024 07:49

Emsy999 · 02/06/2024 08:50

More grief from my ex. He's still saying that he needs clothes for the boys whilst they're with him and now he's sending me invoices for clubs that they are doing (that he signed them up for whilst they're with him on his days) saying I should be paying them. He said he spoke to the CMS and they said he shouldn't be paying for their clubs. (They're probably assuming it's for time they're with me). If I sign my children up for clubs that they do on my days I will pay for them, I wouldn't ask him to contribute to that.

I just can't find any definitive answer anywhere. I was under the impression that his contribution to me was for the time the children are with me? Surely if he's signed them up for clubs for when they are with him he should be paying for them?

Just tell him you don't consent to the club.

Original poster

Emsy999 · 06/06/2024 07:51

Redlarge · 06/06/2024 07:35

This is harrassment and coersive behaviour. Text him clearly and simply... you are only to contact me with medical or change in contact details nothing else then show the police and ask them to speak to him. Keep everything.
He's a twat like my ex.

Show quote history

I've spoken to the police, to Women's Aid, to Refuge. They all say it's coercive control and abuse but because there's no threat of harm from him they won't do anything. I think one word from the police would stop him (he's a weed really) but they're just not bothered. Which makes it worse because he knows I've been to the police and the fact they haven't said anything to him makes him think he's doing nothing wrong and he'll just continue.

OP posts:

Keepthosenamesgoing · 06/06/2024 07:51

Emsy999 · 06/06/2024 07:44

They have NOT sussed him out at all. We were in court last week and both his barrister (I get why) AND the judge were completely dismissive of his awful behaviour. Didn't care that I had proof, only interested if it was affecting the children's welfare which I said it does (and will into the future if he's not stopped). The judge was completely unprofessional and unprepared for the hearing - she'd completely missed my position statement that I'd sent her 4 days prior so hadn't read about the abuse. When she'd realised she'd missed it she DIDN'T make us wait for 10 minutes until she had, she just continued on with the hearing listening to his barrister deny everything. It wasn't until he lied about something (that I made the judge aware of) that she agreed to do a CAFCASS report. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have agreed to it otherwise and would have just let the abuse go. It seems mental abuse isn't condoned as much as physical (and even that is swept under the carpet so they be seen to be being fair on the other parent by agreeing 50/50). Oh my gosh, the system is so wrong and I feel so let down from that happened to me (and our children) last week. They were both trying to get me to drop the allegations as the fact finding hearing is so "long and drawn out" and will affect the children. I try and protect our children from him and his behaviour at all costs but I suppose she meant that CAFCASS will have to speak to the eldest (6).

I'm also still breastfeeding the youngest (2) and the judge was trying to get me to agree to one week with him, one week with me during the summer holidays. "Well, your youngest can still breastfeed but just when she's with you for the week" oh my gosh, no idea at all!

I didn't accept anything, stood firm and we're due another dispute hearing in September. But in the meantime, he will make my life as hell as he can because that's him, that's what he does and if no one tells him what he's doing is wrong he won't stop.

Show quote history

Sorry missed your update. He's a that but you are doing a great job holding your ground !
Just remember this barrister is costing him a fortune !

Original poster

Emsy999 · 06/06/2024 07:52

Keepthosenamesgoing · 06/06/2024 07:49

Just tell him you don't consent to the club.

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I have and he's told me if I'm not going to pay it from the child maintenance I receive from him then he's not paying it and I'll have to tell our daughter she can't do it. Emotional blackmail.

OP posts:

TeachesOfPeaches · 06/06/2024 08:04

I send my son to his dad's in the ugliest clothes he has and his dad can either let him wear that all weekend or has to buy him new clothes. He bought him his own clothes (he is obsessed with outward image) so just do that.

Say you are going to block him on everything now and will only respond via the app. He will have to sign up to discuss arrangements or he won't be able to see the kids.

Keepthosenamesgoing · 06/06/2024 08:42

Emsy999 · 06/06/2024 07:52

I have and he's told me if I'm not going to pay it from the child maintenance I receive from him then he's not paying it and I'll have to tell our daughter she can't do it. Emotional blackmail.

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Don't be blackmailed, just tell her now. Tell her that you can't afford the club. That's just the truth and kids can accept that things cost money and they can't be afforded.
The maintenance is not for clubs. The maintenance is for food and living expenses. Not for luxuries. It's hardly very much as it is. So I'd take back control and tell.him that maintenance isn't for clubs and that you've told your DD and that's that.