Child maintenance query

[Emsy999]

A little advice needed please.

I separated from my husband 2 years ago and I moved out a year ago. He has refused to give me any financial help towards the children since then - no contributions to clothes, haircuts, childcare etc. I got to the point when I couldn't do it alone any longer and I applied to the CMS. My husband was not happy about this at all and went mad. They have contacted him and said he needs to pay me maintenance based on the fact our two young boys are with me 60% of the time. He's managing to punish me in other ways (which I won't go into) but he's now saying that I need to use the maintenance I receive from him (£170ish per month) to supply him with clothes whilst they're at his house?

I can't seem to find any definitive answer online as to what maintenance covers but surely I shouldn't have to provide clothes, toothbrushes etc for them whilst they are with him in his care?

It won't matter if I tell him I'm blocking him on everything and that I will only respond through the app. He's literally so stubborn, he just won't do it. He'll then not be able to communicate with me and will use it against me in court.

Reliving what happened in family court last week I'm just so scared of him having anything against me. His barrister was awful. I don't want to give her any extra ammunition.

But the court told you to use the App.

Tell him and his barrister and solicitor in writing that as per the court instruction that you will ONLY use the app from now on. That covers your back and then block him.

But the court told you to use the App.

Exactly. OP you're playing right into his hands by engaging with his nonsense. You know he gets his oxygen from controlling and upsetting you so cut him off. Look up the grey rock technique and use it.

Keep on at the police and tell the court you have reported it all. Even if they do nothing police records can be requested at court. Plus when you speak to police ask for an idva who will help more than the police

Absolutely not. Don't supply him with anything. Don't engage with him and limit access
Eg only log on to app once a fortnight. Then tell the court you aren't prepared to use it due to the abuse threats And accusations on it. I did. I wont use it now.

The judge told us that she will put in the court order that we are to use the app going forward for communication. I haven't seen any court order or report yet though. His barrister said that she was writing up the notes from the hearing which I thought was very strange. Is that normal? Would it not be a tad biased towards him?

I've never heard of the grey rock technique but will look into it! Thank you!

I've never heard of a IDVA either so will do some research into that as well.

It's so awful that they don't do anything unless there's a threat of harm. I'm slowly losing my mind at the thought of being blacklisted because he's stopped paying the mortgage (his latest stunt ). I literally can't carry on like this and yet because he hasn't threatened to hurt me they're not interested. Not right!

I read your post yesterday, then my ex decided he will no longer use the app. We've been using it two weeks and it's been great for my own peace and to minimise his messages and the way he speaks to me as he knows he can't delete anything.
Despite him trying to control the situation I will continue on the app. If he chooses to not engage with it, or discuss his children, then that is his choice. He's blocked on everything else. I am putting boundaries in place and won't back down. The app isn't court ordered in our case.
I was told to stop worrying about him and put myself and the kids first. It's hard to get out of the pattern of giving in to him. But it's time. Sign up to the app, he will get the email to join iif you add his details. Send one last email saying court agreed with it is starting now and then block. Stop allowing him to control everything.

No this is normal. Did you represent yourself?

Thank you for the advice and I'm so sorry you're going through similar.

I am definitely starting to put boundaries in (I won't back down on his out of court financial offer or let him tell me who can watch our children whilst they're in my care) and he is losing his mind that I'm not backing down and letting him walk all over me. I think he's realising he's losing that control. I can't wait until the child arrangement and financial settlement hearings are over. I realise I'm stuck with him for life (well, until the children are 18) but slowly I'm freeing myself of him.

Wishing you well xx

Yes I represented myself and thought he was too until 15 hours before the hearing. He sent me 2 completely different position statements 3 days apart. The first being completely him - telling everyone how he deserves to see the children as much as me and how if it's 50/50 custody no maintenance will need to be paid. Then the second from his barrister was much more businesslike. It was almost as if he sent me the first one as bait, then got mine (which listed the abuse) and then arranged a barrister at short notice. It's him all over....

If you are dressed up and ready to go out when he collects the children you may find his interest in a 60%/40% split dwindles. They always assume there’s a man involved. Whereas I like to look nice to go to the library to play board games or to meet a friend for coffee.

Extra points if you are looking bright as a button and like you had a great evening out when you collect/they are dropped off.

These nasty fathers are very predictable you may find he says ‘I’m not having the kids while she goes out shagging men’. He then messes you about in the hope your ‘boyfriend’ dumps you. Reduces his contact with you.

They then don’t have to spend so much time with a petty abusive man who won’t buy them a £3 pair of legging from primark.

I really hope the courts get sued by children who are forced to engage with abusive parents. It’s disgusting.

Only communicate with him via the app. If he won't use it that will be between him and the judge.