DH wants to tell kids we are separating

[WoodenHorseFace]

So after a good few years of being unhappy and 2 years since first bringing this up with DH, I told him again today I want us to separate. We've been sleeping apart for well over a year and basically living parallel lives in the same house. There's many reasons why we've got to this situation but ultimately I don't love him anymore and that's not going to change. We've been together 25+ years and have DS (14) and DD (11). He does however still love me and wants everything to stay as it was. (Hence why this situation has dragged on for years now). But I'm just so deeply unhappy, anxious and our house is sad. I'm trying to stay firm on a separation as previously I've back-tracked to avoid the fall-out and hurt but this is making me resentful and not a person I want to be. This really is best in the long run but he's making me feel so guilty with emotive language about how I've "given up", "will ruin the kids lives", etc.

Since the kids have been home from school DH has been all sad and quiet so they're confused and asking him what's wrong. He wants to tell the kids asap we're splitting up with the message that it's because I don't love him anymore and am kicking him out because 'he'll never lie to them". Obviously this is fucked up and I want us to put the kids interests first. I think we should front it out for a while until we have a clear plan and give a positive message about how we still love them and they will still see us both but we will live apart, etc. Otherwise they're going to ask questions we don't have answers for yet. How do I manage this as I think he's going to force this conversation at the weekend?

I don't know. But it's deeply manipulative of him, he's hoping you back down because you won't bear for the kids to be told like that. He's putting his own pride and bruised ego ahead of you and your kids welfare.

I think its probably the start of having to accept your ex is going to say and do things that are deeply upsetting and out of your control. But that's a sign you're doing the right thing I guess.

Sorry I didn’t want to not reply. I hope more people will be along with good advice soon.

He sounds very selfish with no interest in putting the kids first. If he’s going to be like this, with no interest in working out between the two of you what to tell them, presenting a united front and working together so it’s less worrying for the DCs, I would be almost tempted to have a chat with the kids without him first. It really depends how badly he’s likely to behave…

You said “ultimately I don’t love him anymore” and “He does however still love me”

So what is wrong about telling the DC that you two are splitting up because you don’t love him anymore but he still loves you so will be sad for a bit but it’s best in long run for you both? It is the truth.

I think it would be good to be honest and open. DC need to know that if in a relationship one of them doesn’t love the other, then the right thing to do is split up. It’s right for the one who doesn’t love the other because otherwise it turns them into a resentful person they don’t want to be. It’s right for the one who still loves the other because if you love someone then you set them free. Love should be freely given and mutual. It’s a good teaching moment that it’s not a bad thing if you stop loving someone, that sometimes people grow apart.

Hiding it like it’s a secret, makes it seem shameful and you’re a failure. You guys aren’t at all. 25 years or so of happiness with a few unhappy at the end before throwing in the towel is good innings.

The DC will want reassurance too as you said that both of you will always love them and that you and DH will listen to them on how to live as a family together but apart after the split.

It's an emotional blackmail technique so you back down.

Exactly @RandomMess

He's calling your bluff OP. He's saying "right then, you want to do this, then be prepared to break your kids hearts and I'm going to make you do it right now"

He's a bully and resorting to scare tactics to get you to change your mind. As actually he would rather you stayed out of guilt then be happy.

Kids do not need to know "this is mum's idea". They need to know the relationship has come to an end and you're still there for them and one another. You can't expect an 11 year old to navigate the complexity of "mum wants to go but dad doesn't".

I feel angry on your behalf.

I kind of agree with cherryon

you can say, unfortunately we have grown apart and I just don’t love your dad in the way I should anymore but we’re going to work hard to co parent and put you first to bring as little disruption as we can
We’ll always love you

they will ask why you’re splitting up. What will you tell them ?

No, fronting it out is a terrible idea. They know something is wrong. Be honest with them. It's ok to admit you've fallen out of love. Reassure them you love them. It won't be easy but once it's done you can start to move forward.

You've had two years to sort out how to tell the kids.

Maybe he wants to just get it over and done with now. Also he wants to tell them the truth - are you worried that makes you sound like the bad guy?

An 11 year old can navigate that fine. It isn’t much different from teaching them that just because they want to stay friends with Sally, it doesn’t mean Sally will want to stay your friend too. Both of you have to want to keep being friends for it to work and if one of you doesn’t, you should respect that. For a couple, it’s a similar concept and rule. An 11yr old can understand this much about it, because they will doubtless have had friends that aren’t friends any more by now.

That way they can empathise with both OP and their Dad.

OP,
Your kids know something is wrong and are actively asking for an explanation. By lying you are gaslighting them, teaching them not to trust you, and not to trust their own instincts.

You should tell them soon. A lot of the research shows much of the damage to kids in divorce is actually before they are told, when there is tension in the house that kids don't understand.

On how to tell them, you should go for age-appropriate truth, along with lots of reassurances that you both love them, they will be able to spend lots of time with both of you, and none of it is their fault. (This last msg seem obvious to you, but kids tend to always even subconsciously, think it's their fault. And by the way, They are much more likely to guess that it is their fault, if you don't tell them the truth, because they will know it doesn't add up,

Explain that the romantic love is gone between you - certainly at least on your side. That you are sure it is not going to come back. That it is very hard for a couple to be happy in this situation. That it tends to cause fights/ unhappiness etc. That you have both been trying for a long time to make it better, but you know at this point that it won't get better. That there is nothing they can do about this and it is in no way their fault. That it's natural for them to feel sad or angry about any big change like this. That they may notice (as they already have) that you guys are also finding it hard. But that both their dad and you are going to be ok, and you will both be working really hard to make everything work ok for them.

Reassure them that lots will stay the same (list some stuff, if you know it - eg staying at the same school, having the same friends, still going to band practice on Mondays, still having movie night on Fridays...) including that you both love them and you are both still their parents and will both still spend lots of time with them. Invite their questions.

Good suggestion on how to say it @financialcareerstuff

he's making me feel so guilty with emotive language about how I've "given up", "will ruin the kids lives",

Dont let his guilt tripping of you make you act like a guilty person. You have nothing to hide, no reason to feel guilty. I hope this thread does make you feel more confident and secure that you are doing the right thing for everyone.

You must have good reasons though for having fallen out of love with him?

I hear you x

Can't believe some people are agreeing with you that your DH is in the wrong here.
You're the one who wants to split the family, not him. Why the fuck haven't you thought this through before now?

@Fizzadora You can’t help falling out of love, it’s worse to stay together and be deeply unhappy and live in a “sad house” and not good for the kids at all.

the problem is OP@WoodenHorseFace would like to have the sensible conversation that reassures the kids they are loved (along the lines suggested by@financialcareerstuff would be great) but her H is acting like a child and won’t put the kids ahead of himself. He would rather stay together in an unhappy marriage- is that really what you think people should do?!

This as well, it's the truth.
You don't love him anymore so will split. What would 'fronting it out' look like?

Agree.
Problem is her husband is part right, though, meaning the reasonable is getting rejected alongside the unreasonable.. OP, I think you should concede to telling them soon and an appropriate, basic version of the truth. If you concede that, then I would hope your husband would concede to prioritising their wellbeing with balanced, reassuring messages that are non critical and don't tear the kids between you.

I'm sorry I know this is very hard (I have the talking points because I had to research and prepare them for my own child). I know you want to protect your children. But honesty and balance protects them better than cover ups. Delaying basically gives them less time to get their heads around it and adapt, and more time living in a tense, emotionally dishonest environment.

This will be one of the first of many tests in collaborating with your soon to be ex, for the sake of the children. It should be a bit easier for you than him, because you are basically the rejector. That doesn't mean it isn't hard, but hopefully you have the emotional reserves to be wise and calm through it.

Good luck.

I have close friends where this exact same thing happened. She ended it, he reacted so badly, chucked his ring in the bin, and immediately told the kids in tears. The kids are fine, wasn’t ideal, but they both knew it was a long time coming. She was horrified by it, and couldn’t stop him, all very traumatic to be honest in the moment.

personally I’d let him, you can mop up afterwards and if means it cements it, then that’s a positive.

Thanks all and @Cherryon and @financialcareerstuff for your suggestions for what to say.

By 'fronting it out", I mean not saying anything to the kids until we have agreement in what we're going to say and the answers to their inevitable questions such as "where will dad live" and a timescale.
He is guilt tripping me and we've been here before over the last couple of years where I've tried to leave, he's been devastated, and I've carried on for the sake of everyone else but it's just made me so unhappy. @Fizzadora I have thought about this before now - a lot. This is why we are here. There are lots of reasons why I don't love him anymore (he's very much not the wronged party he's making himself out to be) but they've almost become immaterial now as it's led to this point.

By the 'where will dad live' have you agreed its him moving out or are you deciding that?

There's so many many threads here where the partner who wants the relationship to end expects the person who doesn't to happily move out, find their own place but still fund the 'family home's never goes to plan sadly.

He's got a point.

Get in there first. Control the narrative.

You sound like you’re stalling. If you mean it this time, tell the kids, he’s right.

Take control and tell the kids that you are splitting up with their dad because you don’t love him anymore because he clearly will tell the kids or threaten to in order to wind you up. Romantic love is different from family love so while your love for your boys is forever, your love for their dad has gone and that’s why you are splitting. They may have experience of someone who was a best friend not being friends any more especially the older child who may have different friends at secondary compared to primary.

While you may be embarrassed to appear like the bad guy, you are sending your kids an important lesson when they find themselves in your shoes as an adult. It would probably break your heart if they stayed because you did so they mistakenly think that it’s the right thing to do. Obviously don’t give them specifics of incidents that have made you fall out of love with him but it’s ok to be generic and say that you don’t get along any more sort of thing. If they think back, they will probably remember specifics anyway.

It’s ok to say that you don’t know the answers to questions they may have like where is dad going to live. Is it definite that he’s moving out? (I assume that you can afford the mortgage/rent on your own) As you and him have dragged things out for 2 years it might be time for you to move out to speed things along. If neither can afford the current house on your own then you’ll have to get estate agents in etc because it sounds like he won’t be helping to move things along.

Do you have an individual bank account and looked up on a child maintenance calculator how much your ex should pay ? Once things start moving, you need to be prepared for the possibility that he will stop paying for things (a scenario that I’ve read about on here) and you’ll need your wages to be safe.

This. I'd sort out a family meeting with kids and h and y. Then I'd frame it in way suggested above before h can jump in with emotional blackmail.