DH wants to tell kids we are separating

[WoodenHorseFace]

So after a good few years of being unhappy and 2 years since first bringing this up with DH, I told him again today I want us to separate. We've been sleeping apart for well over a year and basically living parallel lives in the same house. There's many reasons why we've got to this situation but ultimately I don't love him anymore and that's not going to change. We've been together 25+ years and have DS (14) and DD (11). He does however still love me and wants everything to stay as it was. (Hence why this situation has dragged on for years now). But I'm just so deeply unhappy, anxious and our house is sad. I'm trying to stay firm on a separation as previously I've back-tracked to avoid the fall-out and hurt but this is making me resentful and not a person I want to be. This really is best in the long run but he's making me feel so guilty with emotive language about how I've "given up", "will ruin the kids lives", etc.

Since the kids have been home from school DH has been all sad and quiet so they're confused and asking him what's wrong. He wants to tell the kids asap we're splitting up with the message that it's because I don't love him anymore and am kicking him out because 'he'll never lie to them". Obviously this is fucked up and I want us to put the kids interests first. I think we should front it out for a while until we have a clear plan and give a positive message about how we still love them and they will still see us both but we will live apart, etc. Otherwise they're going to ask questions we don't have answers for yet. How do I manage this as I think he's going to force this conversation at the weekend?

The fallout from the children might not be as bad as you think..

When I told my children (then 20, 21, 29) we were getting a divorce, that replied "thank fuck for that, we could see how unhappy you both were, it's about time you did something about it"

That was 5yrs ago and I have since remarried and the kids are so happy for me.

They said we should have done it years ago.

Kids adapt

It's an awful situation, I know. My dh has known for almost five years that I am very unhappy and that our relationship as a couple is over. But he seems happy enough to carry on as a 'family' indefinitely. And me being me, I don't want to rock any boats so I try to carry on as best as I can. I am fully aware that this is not good for the kids, but never seem to find the least bad time to go ahead with all of it, the conversations, starting the process etc. I want to buy him out and keep the kids settled in their home, but I don't think he will ever agree to go. My eldest is starting his exams now, so I can't say anything at the moment, but apparently his dad is planning a family trip to New York for all of us next year ffs. I haven't heard a word about this, except from DS, and he is clearly wondering what this is all about. I would love to just say, no, I will not be going on this trip as dad and I need to separate and this holiday is not what I want at all. Why would I want to go away with a man who I caught searching up 'local girls who want sex' online, and doesn't let me sleep in my own bed at night? It is all just madness.
I hope you find a way @WoodenHorseFace I know how it feels almost impossible, but it is actually possible, and your life will be so much better. I am holding on to that hope and you must too.

The house is in my name (bought solely by me via an inheritance.) We have a small jointly-owned property that we currently rent out a couple of miles away with a small mortgage. My suggestion is that he moves in there and we co-parent. Financially we'll be worse off but I can just about manage on my salary.

Is the house ring fenced? I think that's the term?

I've been there and I decided i'd tell DS myself because his father was bitter and awful about it. I took him out, we went to the beach and I told him truthfully that the relationship wasn't working and that we are not happy any more.
He said he was pleased because the atmosphere in the house was horrible. Children see more than we think.

Have you taken legal advice? Even if it just in your name if it is the matrimonial home - you may find it’s not as easy as you think to retain ownership without buying him out/him being entitled to equity.

If you don’t love him and want to split why are you remaining in limbo. Especially if you have a second property? Surely splitting asap and telling the children is the best option?

There are techniques as to how to communicate to your children your choice. In order to be fair to the kids it must be a. communicated as a common choice with no blame on anyone (i.e. it happens) b. you both must reassure them that you are together as their parents. Nothing will change in terms of your parenting, they are very much loved and it is not their fault.
You should tell them on a Saturday, you should all be together in a family place ( living room, their bedroom...somewhere they feel safe), and then plan activities together for the whole of the weekend, so that they can be free, at some point, to make questions. You really need to prepare this together and your replies must be consistent.
Using this communication to bite back on your partner is a horrible, horrible thing to do and it will scar your children for the rest of their lives.

I think you're being grossly unfair. You've had 2 years to come up with a natrative and a way to tell the kids and havent. You cant dump him but insist he pretends everything is fine. He deserves to be able to sort out his head and move on, in the way that you already have, and formalising the break up is part of this.

I would say that the emotional blackmail is coming from you, not him.

It sounds like you need legal advice because the properties could be half his too unless you took legal steps to ringfence them. Inheritance is treated differently in different countries.

I think that you should tell the kids sooner rather than later so it can’t be held over you. He’s clearly determined to prioritize his feelings overs theirs and by telling them, you can maintain some control in what they hear in the initial conversation.

You have described your hike as a sad place. You really need to tell your dc.
It doesn't really matter if you have all the details worked out or not. T ok to say you are working on things to make it best for everyone but that of course there will be upset.

You don't need everything sorted before you tell them because in a 'sad' home they are already suffering

It's been 2 years since I first said we need to break up but the reaction has been similar each time and I've felt so awful I've backed down and agreed to try again for the kids sake. This is not out of the blue.

We told our kids (DS11/13) in January and just thought I'd pass on some things (i'm the dad)... we waited until we had the houses lined up (ie contracts signed) and a clear plan for them about how/ when changes would happen as that was the biggest uncertainty for them.

When we told them, we said something along the lines of Mum and I have been living in different rooms for a while now and have decided to move into different houses. We didn't discuss any relationship stuff and also took advice on being careful about not saying things like 'it's not your fault', 'we still love you' as that is assumed anyways and we didn't want them to think that was a thing by us saying that (we did a lot of reassurance with them afterwards as well).

They had a few of questions since, which we've answered but we just stuck with the line that we don't love each other and wanted all of us to be happy. Be prepared for a lot of guilt moments as the kids can ask why you just can't make it work when you least want to go there!

If you can, I think it's better if you can both agree the children come first and try to move the conversations between you from how your relationship isn't working to how the kids can still have a great childhood. Weekly individual therapy has also helped us move through the relationship grieving stages.

It sounds like you want to break up but not face the consequences of wanting that. It’s fine to not be in love with someone. But expecting things to carry on as they are or make someone else do the emotional labour of dealing with the fall out is not.

You haven’t set a time line to tell the kids “when we have a plan” is just kicking it into the long grass. Fronting to the kids is asking him to lie. If he was happy with the relationship I can see why he doesn’t want to do the painful stuff of telling the kids. In his mind he’s done nothing wrong. Note I said in his mind I’m not making a comment on the actually rights and wrongs of the situation.

if you have a plan then set it out to him. Say we have to agree by x date and tell them by y. That extra certainty might help.

I do think you need to tell them sooner rather than later, but it should be a jointly agreed message. My father did something similar to my mum. Forced her to wake me up in the middle of the night when I was peacefully asleep (aged around 5 I reckon) to tell me they were splitting up. She only did it because if she hadn't he was threatening to do it himself, so at least that way she could do it as kindly/positively as possible. To use telling the children as a threat is a form of manipulation and control, and absolutely not about putting the children's interests first.

I agree with the “just tell them” posters. It is ok not to know the answers to all their questions. Some you will answer. Some you will just politely defer. That is the way life is. This divorce is going to be acrimonious and drawn out until your dh is fully onboard so nothing is going to be clear at the beginning.

Your children are old enough to hear the truth as long as you leave out any horrible details.

You might not want to be the one that the children think is responsible for the break up, but as it’s you that wants it, you can’t really avoid that. They would resent it more if they were lied to.

It's a tricky one, part of me says telling them at the same time as everything changes eg dad moving out will be more shocking for them than to say that you are going to do things separately but within the same house for a time so that everyone can get used to it...but then what do I know? Mine happened seemingly very quickly, one minute struggling but thought part of normal small children with two working parents and would get through it, next minute no dad in the house 🤷

This. OP you explain to the kids first. Maybe he knows full well you won't and it works for him. Where will he live? I would be discussing this with him then tell the kids.

You were unhappy and want your truth.

He is unhappy and wants his truth.

I don't think lying to the kids about anything is going to be the way to go regardless.

He's definitely manipulating you. It does seem like this would be the best way to move forwards. You should serve notice on the tenants and that will give you a date for him to move out (assuming your tenants leave without having to evict them).

WRT what you tell the children, tell them the truth. You no longer love their father, but that doesn't affect how you feel about them. You may find that they have picked up on the atmosphere over the past two years and to finally know what is going on will come as a relief.

Is this ‘the script’? Are you seeing or wanting to see someone else? This is often the case when people say that they have ‘fallen out of love’.

You need to tell your children and the sooner the better. It might be better to say that you have fallen out of love with one another, but he could say that is grossly unfair.

Either way, the sooner you tell them the better and it is unfair to expect to dictate the timing. Once they know that you both love them and will make plans to look after them well, they will feel more stable and can start to process it.

That's so shit of him and will badly effect the kids...
If you believe he will say this to them I think your only option is to get in their first and do it alone in a more reasonable way with them.
He may well tell them emotive nonsense that upsets them afterwards but at least during the initial shock it was you there being calm with them.. so they will be more equipped to face his self indulgent shite if he does follow through with saying those things.
I think you are doing the right thing separating. He sounds awful. I would no longer love a man who couldn't put his children's welfare over his own hurt ego.

@Newbutoldfather no this is not 'the script'. There is nobody else on the scene or waiting in the wings.

He’s not manipulating her.
she wants out but doesn’t want to tell the children and doesn’t want to admit this rather wants her dh to make out it’s mutual while now also admitting she wants dh to move out of their jointly owned marital and family home.

if this was the other way there would be cries of om and affair and dh needs to get his ducks in a row

regardless the children should be told sooner rather than later - it’s clear they are picking up on things and not telling them is not fair. Its ok to say we are splitting but still have to work through the details and practicalities

I am feeling in a very similar position to you OP with kids aged 10 and 7. I have my reasons for feeling like this. It is my biggest fear that if I ask him to leave he will make out like it’s my decision and tell the kids that too. Ultimately, we are both miserable and so I think pointing fingers and telling the kids one person has broke up the relationship is really damaging.