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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Last night before he leaves, how did you feel?

67 replies

Oldhag5 · 07/04/2024 20:34

The last few months have been awful, I am so happy that he is finally going but at the same time I can’t quite believe that 20 years has come to this. We don’t even speak. I would never go back but still I wonder if I’m going to wake up and everything will just be back to normal. Please talk to me and tell me how you felt, I’m finding it hard to process!!

OP posts:
WishesPromised · 07/04/2024 22:25

I've not pressed the button yet, but I'm getting nearer every day.

If my husband left tomorrow I expect that I'd feel scared and relieved.

BirthdayRainbow · 07/04/2024 22:27

I had 45 minutes notice in that I said we need to talk, I talked he said shall I go then? Then went. 45 minutes from me saying can we talk to him walking out the door. That was just over eight months ago. Divorce going through. 27 years together.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 07/04/2024 22:32

I felt sad. Yes it was him that cheated, but it was me who didn't want to forgive, so I felt guilty too. It threw up feelings that I couldn't quite place and hadn't expected. A sadness, not because he was going, but because something had ended. I think I expected to be thrilled that he was finally going, but I wasn't. I knew it was the right decision, and I've never ever regretted it, but that night before feeling isn't something I've thought about for years, but I still remember it very clearly.

Original poster
Oldhag5 · 08/04/2024 06:53

Thanks for your replies, good to know I’m not alone with my feelings. I need to get up now, think I’m going to go out with the kids and then come
back later and he will be gone.
45 minutes though…wow!!!

OP posts:
NannyGythaOgg · 08/04/2024 07:05

Relief

honeyandfizz · 08/04/2024 07:08

My split from exh was mutual and pretty amicable at the time. I felt awfully sorry for the kids and remember looking at the empty wardrobe and thinking it was strange. Kids were fine though and I very quickly came to love my own space. Never a second of regret 8 years on.

AyrshireTryer · 08/04/2024 07:13

When I left I felt sad, but I knew I would not have to put up with his moods. Moods that were sometimes so lovely and some times so scary - violent on a few occasions - but name calling, being put down etc.

Once I left I received many text messages - when I showed these to one friend she was shocked - never thought he would say things like that.

Almost a year later he sends me messages to go back - phones me to tell me he is going to Paris for lunch next week - I don't ask who with as that is what he wants.

My new partner finds it hard that I need reassurance that he loves me. My new partner and I have really great sex when I hadn't had sex with my ex for 15 years.

It never has to be as awful as it is now with him again.

BirthdayRainbow · 08/04/2024 08:24

Yes @Oldhag5 and that was me asking for a trial separation as I needed space to think. He'd decided he didn't believe me and we were done by the time he got to his mothers. So add thirty minutes 🙄

theclimb · 08/04/2024 20:20

Mine walked out unexpectedly one afternoon - came home after a few days just to pack his things. (Together 20 years married for over 10 years)

The last night just felt like any other night. It didn't feel like an ending. I guess i felt like I'd wake up in the morning and he'd tell me he'd changed his mind or that the previous few days hadn't happened. I had 3 very young children so in keeping the routine going for them I don't think I really stood back and thought about what was going to happen until he was on the doorstep saying goodbye.

I was shocked at how ok I felt in the moment. I don't think I grieved properly for the end of our marriage and family until a couple of weeks later

Original poster
Oldhag5 · 08/04/2024 22:40

@theclimb how long did it take you to feel ok again? For me it is the end of the family that is what I think I will grieve for, not the marriage. My eldest sat on the stairs and just sobbed after he left. He had been told to look after everyone…that’s not his job. But it seemed so final and like he was expecting him now to be the ‘man’ of the family… For me I know it is the right thing he has gone but when people say why do women stay in situations where there is domestic abuse then that is why, because it was the most pitiful, heart wrenching sight of my life and I would have put up with anything myself to avoid seeing my child like that….He knows his dad has been awful and is totally self centred…but he’s still is dad….

OP posts:
Ponche · 08/04/2024 22:49

@Oldhag5 I’m so sorry, that sounds heartbreaking. I hope day by day things get easier for you all and you find your new normal 💐

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/04/2024 01:39

I knew he was going, but the expectation was that it was in a week or two. Then he just decided he was going and told me about 45 minutes before he grabbed some stuff and took off, he barley said goodbye to the kids and left me with 3 bewildered primary school kids to deal with. They knew he was going, but again was expecting it to be a week or two. Nothing really felt changed because he was back and forth a bit picking things up. We were together over 20 years from our late teens. He'd been there all my adult life, and it felt a bit surreal at first. Now Im just relieved when I drop the kids off and get to drive away from him to my house where he isn't. I do miss the kids, but he doesn't have them a lot, so mostly it's just relief that I get to walk away.

theclimb · 09/04/2024 09:02

@Oldhag5

Honestly 18 months later I still have moments where I'm not ok. But I'm raising 3 very young children alone - it's very lonely and isolating. My ex husband rarely sees them and doesn't have any overnights. Coupled with a full time stressful job and the financial side (set of twins in full time childcare!) and barely any CMS it felt like I spent the first 12 months just ploughing on pretending everything was fine for the children and proving to everyone that I didn't need him. Divorce came through less than a year after he left and even then I felt ok about it. And then one day a couple of months after that I just broke down in tears after a particularly bad time at work and not feeling like I was a particularly good employee or mum.

I think it had been building for a while and then it hit me that this really is it now - I'm too tired and busy to date so I'm facing the prospect of maybe a decade or more alone as I don't want to bring someone else around my children at their age. And I don't have the time or energy anyway.

It's the loneliness that gets to me. I don't know if I miss him so much but I miss the man I dated and first married - not the man he became when he left. I miss the shared history and the jokes we had between us and the things we just "knew" about each other as we'd been together so long. and it's sad I'll unlikely ever have that with someone else again

Quitelikeit · 09/04/2024 09:07

@theclimb

that is so sad - why doesn’t he see the children much?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/04/2024 09:09

So long ago I can't recall. I do remember coming home late to give him time to shift his stuff, sitting on the stairs and crying with the sheer relief that a conclusion had been reached and he wouldn't be there to play his game of 'ooooh, now which woman is it I want to be with this week?'

Original poster
Oldhag5 · 09/04/2024 09:34

@theclimb that makes so much sense missing the man you first dated and married, that is exactly it. My kids are older so more able to look after themselves but he has moved about half an hour away and they don’t want to go there because all their friends are round here, it’s not like I see them much because they are always out and about and they don’t just want to go and sit in another house with none of their mates about…but I am expected to encourage contact with him but his choices have made that so hard, they are too big for me to physically force them in the car to go…they don’t want to go there and he only wants to see them if they do go there….

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 09/04/2024 11:46

@theclimb you might not have that history with someone but you will have something much better and real.

What I thought I had was an illusion with someone who can't change overnight so he must have been there all along. He's being a complete dick and that helps but tbh I have been upset at how he's treating the children and me. I'm not upset that we are over.

BirthdayRainbow · 09/04/2024 11:47

@Oldhag5 wno is expecting you to encourage contact? I'm pretty sure it isn't anyone important. Let your children be. Kids are smart. They know who has put the work in.

theclimb · 12/04/2024 06:04

Quitelikeit · 09/04/2024 09:07

@theclimb

that is so sad - why doesn’t he see the children much?

It's a really difficult one but he specifically left because he didn't want family life anymore - his words - the twins are IVF babies (biologically both of ours) but he said he felt differently towards them than eldest and after multiple miscarriages and many rounds of IVF said he never expected it to actually work. He wants to see them when it suits and for a fun hour or so per fortnight and not actually have any of the hard work of parenting

I think I'd have found it easier if he had had an affair and fell out of love with me not our children

It all happened so quick that's why the last night was so surreal and I expected to wake up and find it was just a bad dream. Between him admitting what he felt about family life and the children to him packing up 20 years together and leaving was little more than a week

unsync · 12/04/2024 07:39

There's a period of grief for what should have been, if only they hadn't been so awful. It can be like the final nail in the coffin of your youthful hopes, dreams and goals. I got over it by reminding myself that he did this, I wasn't responsible for the abuse and that I could now have a different life free of anxiety. This version is much better.

Mostly though for me, it was overwhelming relief that I didn't have to live that way. No more masking, pretending, eggshells etc etc. Nearly 25 years for me. It's a powerful feeling. You can use it to rebuild a better, happier life you and yours.

Original poster
Oldhag5 · 12/04/2024 08:29

@unsync that’s really helpful thank you and all resonates with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldhag5 · 12/04/2024 08:31

@theclimb That’s so sad, I’m very sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldhag5 · 12/04/2024 08:32

@BirthdayRainbow isnt it the courts that say you have to encourage contact with the other parent? Maybe I have been reading too much online but I thought it would look bad on me if I didn’t

OP posts:
philosoppee · 12/04/2024 08:50

I felt very mixed emotions. I was so scared going into the house with my young children, knowing he'd be gone and his things gone. Mostly what I felt was a surprising relief. So much sadness to process, but a relief. I found I didn't miss him day to day as our relationship had broken down. But I missed our shared memories and the history of us so much I thought I'd never get better.

And I did. It took more than three years of fluctuating emotions but then I processed it and was in a good place. I really fought against giving myself enough time and it's pointless fighting it. You just have to make your way through it.

Foxblue · 12/04/2024 09:17

theclimb · 12/04/2024 06:04

It's a really difficult one but he specifically left because he didn't want family life anymore - his words - the twins are IVF babies (biologically both of ours) but he said he felt differently towards them than eldest and after multiple miscarriages and many rounds of IVF said he never expected it to actually work. He wants to see them when it suits and for a fun hour or so per fortnight and not actually have any of the hard work of parenting

I think I'd have found it easier if he had had an affair and fell out of love with me not our children

It all happened so quick that's why the last night was so surreal and I expected to wake up and find it was just a bad dream. Between him admitting what he felt about family life and the children to him packing up 20 years together and leaving was little more than a week

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Wishing you absolute happiness, whenever and however that comes. What an absolute shit that man is.