Last night before he leaves, how did you feel?

[Oldhag5]

The last few months have been awful, I am so happy that he is finally going but at the same time I can’t quite believe that 20 years has come to this. We don’t even speak. I would never go back but still I wonder if I’m going to wake up and everything will just be back to normal. Please talk to me and tell me how you felt, I’m finding it hard to process!!

Took me years to see how abusive he was. Thought it could never happen to me. My frog was well and truly boiled. It's been a year since I realised, and now the prospect of freedom has materialised!

Thank you, I think posts like yours have been the fuel to actually act.

Mine left 45 minutes after I asked for a trial separation so no overnight thinking. Best thing I did. He's a shit. It's nearly a year since he went and I'm nearly divorced. I've coped so much better than I thought I would. I'm back. You'll be fine.

Mine waited till I'd brought him a cup of tea, following a fabulous night of fun and great sex, to tell me he was leaving me for my wealthy friend. 2 months after my Dad's will revealed no money.
12 years. 3 small children. Many many many lies that came out after.

I was 2 weeks short of a year from telling (adult) DC to him moving out. Nearly 30 years together.

It was more about the practical stuff to be honest by then, no real emotion about it anymore, spent too much time in the previous decade being upset and angry, nothing left anymore.

Week 3 of him being away, still popping back to pick stuff up last weekend, but feeling great. DSs here and yet house is tidier, not been going about the house swearing under my breath half the day either!

You'll be fine OP. You are heading for a new normal. It will be calmer and you can focus on yourself.

Yep I am coming up for three months now and whilst he is still trying to control me by whatever means he can I am in the house without him, it’s tidy, no arguments, much calmer and I really am happy he is no more than an annoying fly buzzing about in the corner of my life but once the divorce is finally done I know it will be the best thing. He’s just digging his heals in claiming he wants the kids 50/50 yet never making any effort to see them, they’ve had about three nights there since he left and they’re all too old for me to physically drag them. So we will see what happens in court…

Glad to hear it. I have 1 DS who lives here all the time and the other is away at uni but came home for a couple of weeks. He came down to basically help his dad move but wasn't really wanted. Both DSs have popped up at various times to help with individual stuff but then been sent home again. Haven't been invited for their dinner or for a pint or anything. Hey ho, it's his loss.

However, in the last couple of days he's now realised that he needs someone to pick him up from the hospital after an operation as its a general anaesthetic. So eldest said he'd do that. Now he's asked him to stay with him a couple of hours after he comes home or he'll not get the Op. It's likely to be evening, it's younger DSs last night before he drives home tomorrow lunchtime so they had planned to have dinner at the pub together but now plans are up in the air.

I've said to DS to let his dad know that I'm out (I am) and that him and DS2 had plans so if it's over dinner time he needs picked up and someone to stay then he'll have both if them there with a takeaway. Hopefully the arsehole will pay for it.

@Oldhag5

It takes time - even if the separation is the best thing - still there is sadness of loss of the idea of family. Of something you wanted to create when it all started. Plus the adjustment to the changes of whatever family routines existed..

I can report - it gets better. Probably took me a year to start feeling more settled in my new world. Now - its 3 years since he moved put and i rarely think about it. Kids are happier and fully adjusted. They said we should have divorced sooner!!!

As to him ‘wanting’ 50/50 with kids. It doesn’t work like that. Teens (and even the 10yo) need to want it too. He can try filing for it in the Court - but will be unlikely to get it - if the kids are not onboard.

@SoonToBePinocchiosExWife Hope you ok this morning

The final few weeks were really weird as we were still so amicable - agreed to separate in the April, house was for sale and sold quite quickly and completed mid July. 3 Teens. Up until the week before we moved out, we were still having sex - (well, he was, I just lay there hoping it would be good this time! ) and cuddling in the mornings when I said it was a bit weird to do this as we were divorcing . He agreed and we stopped the cuddles but still shared a bed until the house move. He moved out to a flat, kids and I moved in with parents for a month (2 weeks of which were holidays) until we completed on a new house. Looking back, the whole thing just felt totally bizarre as there seemed to be no change in our relationship, we were just 'separated'. Took him about 6 months to start dating again and 3 years to remarry - took me 19 months to date and will never remarry. Contented 'single with dog' now

Thank you!
He's just packing at the moment, will be gone in an hour.
DS doesn't really realise I don't think. He was going on about a picnic with daddy on Sunday this morning 😭

@SoonToBePinocchiosExWife How old is DS?

What's happening with contact have you arranged anything?

Elated. He diddnt have a clue and I knew it was the last night we would spend in the same house, threw him out the next day whilst he was at work.

Appreciate that is not the case for everyone though

@jsku you give me confidence! Thank you! So many people go on about how the courts favour the dads it has me worried! But good to hear things like you say. The kids have told him they don’t want to spend more time with him, they don’t want to speak to a mediator to say that but still he (and the mediator) are trying to push child mediation on them and wanting me to go to mediation just about the children but with no mention of finances. But even if a court ruled they had to go there how can I physically force them at their ages?? I’m genuinely not stopping them, sometimes I wish I could get more of a break but he has chosen to move 25 minutes away from their home and all their friends and they just don’t want to spend their weekends sitting there where they know no one and there’s not even a garden to play in (despite the rent being very expensive!)

@Oldhag5

first of all - stat strong and push back. Men ways try to push their agenda on women in these circumstances. They think they can steamroll us. Often it works as women are scared of standing firm.

So on mediation - just keep repeating your position. Over and over. Like a robot. We are here to discuss financials. Children do not want to attend mediation.
Also - call his bluff and add - i will not agree to 50/50 child arrangement. No point discussing it- you are welcome to take it to family court.

Next - finances need to be sorted first. And its a separate process in the Court.

He then can separately take you to court over children - BUT they will ask the kids about their preferences and will NOT force teens to do something they dont want. Especially considering he moved further away.
10 yo’s opinion will also count but a bit less. But again - you will NOT be expecting to force him.

Dont worry. Just develop nerves of steel and keep stating your position. At the mediation.
Go to court and represent yourself if you have to prove ti him you mean it. Often only then do they realise they need tp actually negotiate.

DS is 5. He says he's not sure when he'll be able to see him, possibly at the end of the month 🤔

I wouldn't tell you son as if, when, his dad lets him down he's going to be confused and sad.