Unlikely to agree 50:50?

pasinphoebe · 2024-04-05T19:22:30+00:00

My bro in law is in the process of going through a divorce. despite his best efforts it’s not started well (I guess the very nature is that they rarely do) Reason for divorce is that wife doesn’t love him anymore. :( Anyway - my question - he’s had a one hour chat with solicitor as he wants 50:50 and she doesn’t. The solicitor warned him that if he takes this to court it’s unlikely he’ll be agreed 50:50 as he works full time and she doesn’t (so she already does most of the childcare apparently) Children are 7 and 4. I’m fuming for him, it seems so unfair ? Can anyone advise, is it often the case that it’s refused ? He does feel that would be best for the children.

brocollilover · 05/04/2024 20:23

it’s seems utterly in the best interests of the children

Original poster

pasinphoebe · 05/04/2024 20:46

To clarify as I’m very aware how i’ve worded this - I do appreciate it’s not about ‘fairness’ but would the court really not approve it when 50:50 would be best for the children surely

OP posts:

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 05/04/2024 20:48

A working parent should not discriminate on shared care.

Is he local to the children to the school? Does he have a support network?

He should absolutly purse this if he believes its in the best interests of the children.

He can do this as a LIP and save money.
He needs to consistently relay every point back to being in the best interests of the children.

I would advise him to join FB groups like
Childrens Rights UK as he can post questions and get answers, again avoiding legal bills.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 05/04/2024 20:52

Doesn't seem like it was 50/50 before the break up so what has changed now that your brother appears to want to start to prioritise time with his children? He was happy previously to not be around to do childcare?

Pantaloons99 · 05/04/2024 20:52

I don't believe this suits the kids. It makes it fair on the parents. He would be using childcare at times she could be caring for them if 50/50 agreed? That doesn't sound good for the kids at all.

I do feel for them both as it's hard however it turns out. And having less than half would of course be really sad and understandably difficult for him as dad. I can see why no one would just be ok with that.
I think there's no one answer that works great for every party in these situations.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 05/04/2024 20:54

FlippyFloppyShoe · 05/04/2024 20:52

Doesn't seem like it was 50/50 before the break up so what has changed now that your brother appears to want to start to prioritise time with his children? He was happy previously to not be around to do childcare?

He was busy putting a roof over their heads, feeding them and keeping them generally alive.

Having a SAHP is a family decision. As they are no longer a family unit a new path must be created. There's no reason he shouldn't consider doing his fair share of parenting and providing.

Amiaweirdos · 05/04/2024 20:56

.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 05/04/2024 20:57

@Wibblywobblylikejelly so he can continue to put a roof over their head and their primary carer can continue to do what they have always done for them. He could have previously cut back on his work to take an active role in caring for them, but he chose not to.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 05/04/2024 20:58

FlippyFloppyShoe · 05/04/2024 20:57

@Wibblywobblylikejelly so he can continue to put a roof over their head and their primary carer can continue to do what they have always done for them. He could have previously cut back on his work to take an active role in caring for them, but he chose not to.

No, he will now need to provide his own home for him

The mother will now also need to seek employment or other form of income to then create her own home.

And she could've gone to get a job to release him of sole financial provider.

Or is there no COL crisis?

Original poster

pasinphoebe · 05/04/2024 20:59

interesting and helpful points thank you all.
Both parents are local to school, both with parents actively involved. @FlippyFloppyShoe @Pantaloons99 thank you for your inputs.
As is often the case Mum dropped days when children were small as wanted time with them as well as working. Obviously Dad still there - she picked up and took home on 2 days she didn’t work and he did the collection on three days. Obviously everyone there in the evening from when all home. It’s hard when you haven’t experienced it, I guess he felt that the DC were used to seeing them both all the time and wanted to keep that regular as they are young still ? Perhaps this is not the norm? I had no idea but would be nice to talk to him re realistic expectations

OP posts:

DoreenonTill8 · 05/04/2024 20:59

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 05/04/2024 20:54

He was busy putting a roof over their heads, feeding them and keeping them generally alive.

Having a SAHP is a family decision. As they are no longer a family unit a new path must be created. There's no reason he shouldn't consider doing his fair share of parenting and providing.

Show quote history

Only on mm would a parent be at fault for working! So @FlippyFloppyShoe are you happy for taxes to hugely increase so all parents can be at home till kids are what 16?

cardboardbox24 · 05/04/2024 21:02

@FlippyFloppyShoe but we don't know why he did less childcare- presumably that was the arrangement they came up with together as it suited the family at the time? Who knows, now they're divorcing maybe the mum will have to go back to full time work anyway?

FlippyFloppyShoe · 05/04/2024 21:03

@Wibblywobblylikejelly you talk rubbish I work with plenty of men who take an interest in their children's day to day lives and arrange work around looking after their children from a pre-school age and so do their wives and if they split I could see that both parents would be able to accommodate and care for their children....as it is the status quo, but when people decide on divorce that they are only then interested in their dcs day to day lives, it doesn't ring true that their priority is caring for those dc

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 05/04/2024 21:07

FlippyFloppyShoe · 05/04/2024 21:03

@Wibblywobblylikejelly you talk rubbish I work with plenty of men who take an interest in their children's day to day lives and arrange work around looking after their children from a pre-school age and so do their wives and if they split I could see that both parents would be able to accommodate and care for their children....as it is the status quo, but when people decide on divorce that they are only then interested in their dcs day to day lives, it doesn't ring true that their priority is caring for those dc

Well haven't you shown yourself.

Original poster

pasinphoebe · 05/04/2024 21:08

Yes it was obviously always an agreement, Mum had always wanted to be at home 2 days when they were younger. Dad was working in day but obviously present from 5, did club pick ups, etc! And arranged to work from home one afternoon when he could in addition to collecting them. Perhaps I am biased (naturally!) but he seemed to be more involved than many I know.
(Apologies if my use of the word fuming made me sound waaaay too intense! I’m just a little gutted that the children won’t see him regularly as they adore him)

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 05/04/2024 21:10

@FlippyFloppyShoe
because people are prepared to do things when in a family unit but not when they’re not

he really when splitting 2 things need to happdn

the working parent picks up more child care / parenting
the non working or pt working parent neee to increase work hours and income

if he can accommodate looking after the children he should operate it and demonstrate it’s feasible ( and many full time working parents manage - myself included)

FlippyFloppyShoe · 05/04/2024 21:11

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 05/04/2024 21:07

Well haven't you shown yourself.

Show quote history

What are you on about?
@pasinphoebe you know that schools finish around 3pm right?

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 05/04/2024 21:12

pasinphoebe · 05/04/2024 21:08

Yes it was obviously always an agreement, Mum had always wanted to be at home 2 days when they were younger. Dad was working in day but obviously present from 5, did club pick ups, etc! And arranged to work from home one afternoon when he could in addition to collecting them. Perhaps I am biased (naturally!) but he seemed to be more involved than many I know.
(Apologies if my use of the word fuming made me sound waaaay too intense! I’m just a little gutted that the children won’t see him regularly as they adore him)

He needs to be proactive.
If he's just going to sit back and cry the victim but do nothing then he is at fault.

He needs to complete a C100 and arrange mediation. I'd advise the FB group and then he can proceed.

You and your family can't do this for him.
If he leaves it any later then it can become more difficult.

Amiaweirdos · 05/04/2024 21:13

pasinphoebe · 05/04/2024 21:08

Yes it was obviously always an agreement, Mum had always wanted to be at home 2 days when they were younger. Dad was working in day but obviously present from 5, did club pick ups, etc! And arranged to work from home one afternoon when he could in addition to collecting them. Perhaps I am biased (naturally!) but he seemed to be more involved than many I know.
(Apologies if my use of the word fuming made me sound waaaay too intense! I’m just a little gutted that the children won’t see him regularly as they adore him)

Wouldn't they take into consideration what the 7 year old wants? I'd think he's old enough
Wouldn't your BIL leaving mean she'd have to work full time anyways?
Or are they living together still? If so, that is not in your BIL's interest and some people do that to be given full custody.
How far do they live from each other and would the kids stay in the same school if they did 50/50?

FlippyFloppyShoe · 05/04/2024 21:14

@Wibblywobblylikejelly yes you peddle your FB group and let's congratulate the dad on being able to do one pick up a week...well done that man for taking an interest and picking his child up 🙄

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 05/04/2024 21:16

Unless the parents live close to each other so the children can get to their school easily, do their usual activities, see their friends, and the parents are amicable, then 50/50 care is not in the interests or beneficial to the child/children. It's actually quite detrimental

I'm not saying that it is in this case but too many parents use the 50/50 excuse as a way of financially punishing the other parent & are not putting the needs of the children paramount.

Original poster

pasinphoebe · 05/04/2024 21:18

sorry you’re so cross @FlippyFloppyShoe .. but you did miss the bit where I’ve said he’s always done three collections around his work .. he does club runs too, yes he’s worked (isn’t that normal?!) but he’s certainly a present and equal father too, they’ve had a good balance.
@Amiaweirdos thanks, he’s only just moved out as he wanted to stay with the children.

OP posts:

Sooooootired01 · 05/04/2024 21:22

@pasinphoebe Courts awarded 50/50 between myself ex when kids were 3 and 6. Up until that point he hadn't done much of the childcare at all, and I worked pt and did the lion's share. No maintenance payable so pushed up my working hours to pay for a private rent.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 05/04/2024 21:22

@pasinphoebe so if he has been an equal partner (so you say based on 3 pickups...I stand corrected) what is he worried about? I had one of these although, mine did 1 pick up but no actual parenting and the court saw straight through it.

Amiaweirdos · 05/04/2024 21:23

pasinphoebe · 05/04/2024 21:18

sorry you’re so cross @FlippyFloppyShoe .. but you did miss the bit where I’ve said he’s always done three collections around his work .. he does club runs too, yes he’s worked (isn’t that normal?!) but he’s certainly a present and equal father too, they’ve had a good balance.
@Amiaweirdos thanks, he’s only just moved out as he wanted to stay with the children.

Then surely by the time this goes to court the situation will have changed and both parents will be considered full time employees rather than your ex SIL/sister being the sahm