Unlikely to agree 50:50?

[pasinphoebe]

My bro in law is in the process of going through a divorce. despite his best efforts it’s not started well (I guess the very nature is that they rarely do) Reason for divorce is that wife doesn’t love him anymore. :(
Anyway - my question - he’s had a one hour chat with solicitor as he wants 50:50 and she doesn’t. The solicitor warned him that if he takes this to court it’s unlikely he’ll be agreed 50:50 as he works full time and she doesn’t (so she already does most of the childcare apparently) Children are 7 and 4. I’m fuming for him, it seems so unfair ? Can anyone advise, is it often the case that it’s refused ? He does feel that would be best for the children.

My sister and brother in law do 50/50. It works very well because they only live a few streets apart. I can’t see why he wouldn’t be awarded 50/50 if he can prove he has a plan in place. I presume their mum will have to up her hours etc

So when both parents work full time then neither are providing any care for their children? In this case should the children be removed from both parents during the week and they can share every other weekend?

They need to go to mediation before they go to court.

If the wife needs to up her hours to pay rent etc then they might well be in a similar situation.

thank you all. You have all provided interesting and valid thoughts which are valuable as you are removed from the situation. @Sooooootired01 were you happy with this 50:50? @FlippyFloppyShoe I’m glad it was rightly sorted based on your situation :)

What is in the best interests of the children? It’s not about splitting the child’s time ‘fairly’ between the parents!

@pasinphoebe No, but my ex-husband abused me so I was fearful for my sons. The "professionals" involved felt that years of coercive control didn't make him a "bad dad". After all, he'd never hit me, he'd just done things like make me sleep on the floor, taken my purse out of my bag and lock me out of the house if I wasn't back before his set curfew.

what a bizarre take. A parent going to work.... what a monster.

@Sooooootired01 i am so sorry for what you went through, I can’t imagine. I do hope your life with your children is a little brighter now.

50/50 is rarely in children's best interests they need a permanent full time home they are not parcels.

50:50 can work well usually in a 2,2,5,5 pattern or 3,3,4,4 or similar.

As they have both been very hands on and they are now at school there is no reason why it shouldn't be aimed for.

@pasinphoebe Thank you. When it first happened I was in total disbelief I think; the boys were only 3 and 6 and I naively thought I'd be "protected". I was wrong. Financially it was horrific too as no maintenance payable, despite massive differences in earning capacity. Still in privately rented 10 years on whilst he has a 1 mil property complete with swimming pool. I work - very hard - but no chance of being able to buy property now. My bond with my boys has obviously been affected and I still feel angry about what was allowed to happen.
I'm now very happily remarried and we share a 3 yo. We have had the "What would happen if..." discussion and both of us would co-parent 50/50 as I know without a shadow of a doubt we would put her needs first at all times.

Plenty of parents work and care for their children from birth, those that don't and then claim at point of divorce that they want 50/50 are the ones I have issue with

@FlippyFloppyShoe Then there's those that don't want to work and just expect to live off maintenance from their ex.

Honestly the moral here is that on divorce that courts look at who actually looks after the children, not someone who says they now aim to do 50 percent. Maybe mediation but the wife is likely to have actual evidence in her favour rather than a statement of intent.

@bombastix I was the main carer by a long way until I left my ex. He still got 50/50.

Sorry to hear that. The family court can be a very shitty place.

True but not many can afford to do that

@FlippyFloppyShoe I could! 😆 I only earn £1400 p/m.

@Sooooootired01 also if that was aimed at me, I worked, earned more and did the parenting

How much would you have got in maintenance!! I can tell you I get nowhere near that amount

@FlippyFloppyShoe More than that; my ex lives in a 1 mil property complete with swimming pool! I'm still in rented...

The court will look at what’s best for the children. What I will advise though is that when my DH and his ex were negotiating divorce and custody they were both strongly advised by separate solicitors that the court wouldn’t look fondly on their failure to reach an agreement as it shows that neither are prioritising their children’s best interests.

They settled on a fortnightly pattern where she has 8 nights and he has 6 (best for school drop offs) and exactly half the holidays, so a day short of 50/50.

No one asked them about working patterns etc during mediation - I don’t know how usual this is, but it was assumed that if either parent was working on their day they would provide and pay for child care. Both my husband and his ex (and both step parents) work full time and it’s never been an issue. We don’t use wraparound care - combo of different shift patterns, grandparents willing to do school runs and working from home means none of us need to.

That must be tough to have such disparity x

I think the solicitors response is due to his ex working part time. Is this likely to continue once they are divorced - eg will she be able to cover her housing needs once she is living separately, even though working part time? Divorce often means that both parties need to maximise their earnings and go full time in order to afford both housing needs whereby both have a house suitable for themselves and the children.
If both parents will be working full time, I don’t think it’s unrealistic to go for 50/50 as the usual routine for the children is that they are with both parents every day - the dad sounds very hands on. I think he needs to have a plan for childcare on the days he would be dropping off and collecting from school to ensure 50/50 is a feasible option.
My partner has always done 50/50 with their ex and it has worked well - the children wanted this arrangement. I know other couples who have done this - court ordered and otherwise. I think if one parent works much longer hours than the norm, it probably isn’t advisable, but many families who aren’t separated have to juggle childcare options around school because they can’t afford for one person to be part time or not working.
My understanding is that the court system now very much favours 50/50 or more contact for dad than what used to be the norm. I suppose it might be less likely if one party could afford to continue working part time without support from their ex spouse, as it would seem to be in a child’s best interests to be looked after by a parent than in childcare?

Yet in this case you seem to have an issue with a man who has worked and cared for his child from birth and wants 50/50... rather inconsistent with your views.