Unlikely to agree 50:50?

[pasinphoebe]

My bro in law is in the process of going through a divorce. despite his best efforts it’s not started well (I guess the very nature is that they rarely do) Reason for divorce is that wife doesn’t love him anymore. :(
Anyway - my question - he’s had a one hour chat with solicitor as he wants 50:50 and she doesn’t. The solicitor warned him that if he takes this to court it’s unlikely he’ll be agreed 50:50 as he works full time and she doesn’t (so she already does most of the childcare apparently) Children are 7 and 4. I’m fuming for him, it seems so unfair ? Can anyone advise, is it often the case that it’s refused ? He does feel that would be best for the children.

There you go, in a nutshell.

Was the poor guy out working his backside off to facilitate his partner being a SAHM and providing financially for the kids?

In my experience, The courts are interested in what is in the best interest of the children. They are also interested in fairness. They are mostly interested in what happens next not maintaining a status quo.

Your son should look forward and put a proposal in place of what he thinks is in the children’s best interest and how he can make it work. He should look at a term time proposal and also a proposal to cover school
holidays.

Your son should approach his work and look at flexible working. My co-worker works longer days on Monday / Tuesday and starts early Wednesday to tie in with when his children are at school.

Your son won’t be penalised for working. It will be acceptable for him to use wrap around care and Grandparents. Only he can decide if this is in the children’s best interest.

DP said he would be litigant in person if he could have his time again. Cost circa £9k and nobody knows his story like he does.

@FlippyFloppyShoe Maybe now he doesn’t have to support his partner too, he can parent 50% of the time? Lots of men get slated on here for lack of parenting while in reality they are working 9,10,12 hours a day to support a woman who thinks a baby equals a god given right to be at home.

I don’t know if it’s a Mumsnet thing though, because literally everyone I know in real life and everyone DH and I work with in our separate workplaces have households with two full time working parents who share the work/domestic/parenting load fairly equally.

@adviceneeded1990 Very well said.
Although on MN a lot of women seem to think they have a "right" to stay at home and that a man isn't a "man" unless they can facilitate this.

Agree 💯 with @adviceneeded1990

things change when people are no longer in a family unit

You don't know that that was the case, one story you hear so much on here is that the higher earner can't possibly reduce their hours as their job is too important (until it comes to paying maintenance) and well as the lower earner it makes sense for you to give up your job as it would barely cover the cost of childcare...this is not a supportive partner but may appear to be so from an outside perspective. I am also not saying that this is the case here either only the actual couple involved will know the truth.

@FlippyFloppyShoe What would make the most sense is if both parents contributed financially to their child's upbringing? Teamwork.

Have you looked into CMS payments? I thought if there is a large income disparity that cm is still sometimes due even with 50/50 care?

Sorry wrong person!!

100% agree! Both should be contributing financially, domestically, childcare wise. Teamwork is key and raises children who have positive relationships with both parents.

Take the anger and expectations out of it and advise your brother to go to a good mediator who will help both parties work out what is best for the DC given their respective work-life balance. It is really important to establish an amicable way of sorting this out, as both the DC needs and that of their mother will change over time. The reality of running two houses may well mean that their mother needs to increase her hours but also their father would be a bit daft to pay for childcare just to get 50/50. So both parents need to sit down and look at the whole picture bearing in mind it is about what is best for DC.

I agree that a couple of sessions with a great mediator to establish the best living arrangements for everyone, is a good idea. Whilst they are there they can complete a full Parenting Plan - holidays, financial arrangements for kids (things like school dinners, trips, extra-curriculars), who is responsible for children's appointments (docs, dentist, haircuts, opticians etc), holidays and special days. Having all this agreed and in writing can save so much conflict and heartache for everyone in the long run.