My abusive ex husband is living the highlife

[SingleDepressedLonely]

I been divorced almost 6 years now and my abusive ex husband is living the high life with luxury holidays, new luxury cars with constant dinner dates out with his new wife, while refusing to buy school shoes for our son.

my ex pays child maintenance for our son but with the living costs gone up I’m really starting to feel it.

I can’t seem to get him to buy our son anything extra.

It does upset me when I hear from my son that his new step mum is being spoilt by his father while I’m here struggling

His an absolute shit father to our son constantly bullying and manipulating him while he has him in his care.

The court awarded my abusive ex husband 50/50 with weekends and school holidays and now his influencing my son to question my parenting style and trying to make me out to be the bad parent

I am a single mum and I have been struggling to meet a potential due to my hectic busy lifestyle. I do feel very lonely and depressed and I just feel like giving up as I don’t think I will ever move on.

My son doesn’t want to spend time with his father and has expressed his concerns on numerous occassions. His 8 years old, at what age can my son have a say on whether he wants to stay in touch with his father or not? Please advise

I am planning to take my ex back to court to stop access next year a bit of guidance and advice would be greatly appreciated.

thank you

You won't be able to stop contact but you can apply for a variation. Whether you'll get it or not is another matter. Your son would be spoken to by Cafcass and they would take into account his wishes and feelings. However, there would have to be a far better reason than the one you quoted to stop it entirely. I would press ahead and do it.

Are you receiving the correct maintenance? Is it a private arrangement or did you go via CMS?

You will be unlikely to be able to stop access. I could be wrong but it seems more like you are jealous of your exs new wife than there being any real issues with his care of your son. It’s in your sons best interests to see his father.

Why are you looking to stop access??

What an unpleasant statement.

OP, you have dodged a bullet from the sound of it with this charmer. Yes, the new wife has a high lifestyle, but at the expense of being with an abusive man. You and your son are in a far better position, maybe not financial, but you will certainly have a far less toxic life without this man.

I second applying for variation in terms of access for your dc. I wish you all the very best.

Yeah everyone's best interest is to have a father that bullys and manipulates them with the added bonus of badmouthing their mother. Ffs.

WTF? How did you come to that conclusion above the emotional abuse of a small child?

How much CMS does your ex pay? Do you work also OP?

If access is 50/50, and you are still getting child maintenance, you are doing better than many.

As access is 50/50 why don't you have enough time to meet someone new?

What are you looking for, 30 percent access, and more maintenance. No. If you have less than 50 percent access, you should be paying maintenance to him.

So in one breath you're the bad parent because of DS being brainwashed by dad.

But he doesn't want to see his dad the "good parent" either?

That's quite contradictory. Is he getting DS to take his side or not? I think this misalignment is what's causing pp to think this is about you and your feelings towards his new life and marriage than actual issues with your child.

I'm a solo parent

The father is essentially a sperm donor at this point

Abusive in the past to DC and myself (years on now)

However, that sperm donor provided genetics my DC carry, has traits my DC has ... looks like them

I had to walk the line and no it didn't come easy, of figuring out at what point he became actively harmful and what the limit was where actually I just don't think he deserves the DC and it pisses me off but DC need to still have me encourage them to be respectful and not feed into normal parent child relationship difficulties with an agenda of my own - depends upon your DC really but do be careful not to encourage a relationship break down to "win" against a shitty dad ...

Not great but not harmful... it's still someone who makes up their identity

Just not liking another parent as much... meh, I'd make my kid spend time (if it was an option anymore, it is from my DC but the sperm donor who rarely bothers with contact) I wouldn't be encouraging contact ending (despite feeling that way)

If he's currently abusive

Not just a fucking deadbeat twat

Go to court... protect your child from abuse mama

Don't leave your 8 year old to fight alone

(My post is written with the assumption there's a possibility that father and son just aren't getting along v well rather than current abuse!)

I am not jealous of his new relationship just annoyed why he has money to spend on his new wife while I’m here struggling

last year they went away 4 times and they are constantly going on holiday it just upsets me.

my son doesn’t really have anything negative to say about his new step mum so I have no concerns with her but I am annoyed that his new wife should be encouraging her so called great husband to do more for his son.

i honestly don’t know where I have gone wrong and what I’m being punished for

he currently pays £200 CM every 4 weeks he used to pay more but because his commute to our son is 200 miles in total CM have reduced payment which is so unfair.

i will look into the variation order thank you if anyone else has any knowledge or experience please share

thank you

How Is it 50/50 with 200miles distance?
What is the current arrangement?
Do you have any tangible safeguarding concerns?

Has your son made any complaints about his father?

my son doesn’t really have anything negative to say about his new step mum so I have no concerns with her

Good! Because according to you he's got plenty negative to say about you and his dad.

but I am annoyed that his new wife should be encouraging her so called great husband to do more for his son.

Well you need to stop that. It's not her job to advocate for his child he had with you. You picked him. He sounds like he's being a great husband to her, and she's not getting overly involved in trying to parent a child that isn't hers and who has two active parents. The fact he's not being a great dad is not her problem to fix and you need to change you mindset. It's a you and your ex problem. You are putting her and your child in some sort of competition in your head, and whilst you keep denying it's jealousy, it is.

You are actually coming across as really irrational to deal with and I wonder how complicit that is in your ex behaving the way he does.

I am not jealous of his new relationship
just annoyed why he has money to spend on his new wife while I’m here struggling

That's called jealousy

But OP, I assume you work, just as he works.

Can you earn more to improve your own situation? Work more hours. Gain extra qualifications or go for promotion.

You've been divorced for 6 years, his lifestyle is really none of your business as long as he pays CM on time. You aren't being punished for anything. You need to make your own way now.

The fact that your dc is unhappy seeing his dad is much more worrying. The court is unlikely to take the child's view into account until they are about 12.

He currently has 50/50 weekends and school terms
he lives 100 miles from us so he has to drive 100 miles to pick his son up and then another 100 miles to take him back to his house and then once the weekends over he has to do the same trip to drop him back to me.

this isn’t jealousy I am a concerned mother and I am finding the arrangement unfair while his moving on with his life, I’m here struggling with my son

when my son is around his dads I’m busy working all the hours god can send me so I can keep a roof over our heads

as for his new wife it’s her duty to guide her husband with what’s right and what’s wrong!!! She should know better as she is in the same situation as me “A SINGLE MOTHER” my ex is always praising her how she manages an amicable relationship with her ex husband but he fails to understand her ex husband if probably going above and beyond and her daughter isn’t with out school shoes while they are on luxury holidays travelling first class as he kindly pointed out to me

my ex is a dead beat dad that isn’t a good role model or a good person he doesn’t deserve to be a father

So it's not 50/50? It EOWE and 50/50 holidays?

If so you are going to need substantial evidence to reduce that time as its already considered low.
Also he could argue for you to do some travel, and it could easily be granted.

It isn't his responsibility to make your life any different now you're not together

I get how frustrating and infuriating it is to watch somebody not giving as much to your AND their own children as they are to the new ones but you can't know if it's her or him or an oversight that needs letting on he's feeling left out or an intentional act

But, if he's paying what he should, maintaining contact steadily, ok it's the minimum he should... but it's actually on you to sort the things needed while he's in your care from the maintenance

It totally sucks but... maintenance isn't counted in benefits so perhaps it's worth checking if you're claiming any help you're eligible for

Her maintenance from her ex husband is in no way going to factor into what he's paying you in child maintenance

He currently has 50/50 weekends and school terms

Going on previous posts, you mean half holidays. And eow. This equates to about 25% of the year when you count the days. That's enough time for you to go on one date.

he lives 100 miles from us so he has to drive 100 miles to pick his son up and then another 100 miles to take him back to his house and then once the weekends over he has to do the same trip to drop him back to me.

He's allowed to move, and clearly making all the travel effort.

this isn’t jealousy I am a concerned mother and I am finding the arrangement unfair while his moving on with his life, I’m here struggling with my son

Kindly, what's this got to do with him? You are blaming him for your circumstances 6 years post divorce. How long are you going to claim your life is his responsibility? You need to accept he's moved on. You are not his responsibility, and his wife and her life are nothing to do with you, stop obsessing over her.

when my son is around his dads I’m busy working all the hours god can send me so I can keep a roof over our heads

Perhaps you need to address this, it sounds like your living costs are not within your means. This should be your focus instead of envy towards someone else's wife. If your earnings are that low, you should be getting a decent top up from UC. Maybe you need to look at moving? Funding your life is your responsibility. No, you can't fund it to the level your ex could. That's no one else's issue but yours to change.

as for his new wife it’s her duty to guide her husband with what’s right and what’s wrong!!!

It's not her duty to guide how someone else's child should be parented. The kid's got two parents. She's not one of them. Your son likes her. Seriously, you are beyond jealous, leave her alone.

She should know better as she is in the same situation as me

If you genuinely can't see how you're obsessing over her with comments like this, it's quite sad.

“A SINGLE MOTHER” my ex is always praising her how she manages an amicable relationship with her ex husband

Are you not seeing that this is all your bitterness here? She's liked by your son, co parents great with her ex, but you can't bear her going on holiday and want to reduce child contact, and you can't see that it's this mindset causing all the animosity that stops you and your ex co-parenting amicably?!

but he fails to understand her ex husband if probably going above and beyond and her daughter isn’t with out school shoes while they are on luxury holidays travelling first class as he kindly pointed out to me

Well honestly, you sound completely irrational to deal with, and he sounds like a childish point scorer.

my ex is a dead beat dad that isn’t a good role model or a good person he doesn’t deserve to be a father

He has his son a quarter of the year. Does 200 mile round trips to collect him. Pays maintenance. He's not a dead beat. But you are adamant he is and I'm sure you tell him and anyone who will listen. Are you really not joining the dots as to why he won't help you one millimetre more than he has too?

What type of food evidence would be sufficient to reduce time or stop contact ?

he has already tried to get me to help with pick up and drop off but the judge laughed him out of court

so that won’t be an issue and I would never accept it even if the judge told me to do it

Safeguarding.
You need actual tangible evidence that he is a direct threat to the child's physical and mental health.
And you'll need official sources to corroborate.
Doctors, social workers, schools.

His abusive and his bullying my son! My son doesn’t want to spend time with his father because he sees the toxic traits

he shouts at my son over minor things and you still think I’m jealous of his wife…

he begged to get back when I left him years ago I wouldn’t go back to that abuser

He threatened to kill me and my son a couple of years ago but because I didn’t call the police or had no evidence to back it the police refused to grant me a non molestation order and the court believed him over me

I have lost all hope in the justice system here they keep siding with my ex and he seems to walk out of court laughing each time

However I am just waiting for him to slip up again and I will involve the authorities this time but thank you for the heads up