My abusive ex husband is living the highlife

[SingleDepressedLonely]

I been divorced almost 6 years now and my abusive ex husband is living the high life with luxury holidays, new luxury cars with constant dinner dates out with his new wife, while refusing to buy school shoes for our son.

my ex pays child maintenance for our son but with the living costs gone up I’m really starting to feel it.

I can’t seem to get him to buy our son anything extra.

It does upset me when I hear from my son that his new step mum is being spoilt by his father while I’m here struggling

His an absolute shit father to our son constantly bullying and manipulating him while he has him in his care.

The court awarded my abusive ex husband 50/50 with weekends and school holidays and now his influencing my son to question my parenting style and trying to make me out to be the bad parent

I am a single mum and I have been struggling to meet a potential due to my hectic busy lifestyle. I do feel very lonely and depressed and I just feel like giving up as I don’t think I will ever move on.

My son doesn’t want to spend time with his father and has expressed his concerns on numerous occassions. His 8 years old, at what age can my son have a say on whether he wants to stay in touch with his father or not? Please advise

I am planning to take my ex back to court to stop access next year a bit of guidance and advice would be greatly appreciated.

thank you

Frankly, you aren't over this man. He's the main character in your life maybe because of a trauma bond. Where he goes on holiday is not your concern. The entitlement you feel that a random new partner should be compensating for his parenting or either should be facilitating your lifestyle 6 years later, makes you sound beyond irrational.

You also, aren't there. You are basing this all on what an 8yr old says, and in one breath the child thinks you're the "bad parent" and dads the good one, but in the next it's dad bullying the child.

I think if you stopped letting yourself get consumed by what he and his wife are doing, you might find life a lot easier.

Be really careful to evidence actual examples of abuse when you report it (why does it take years?)

Not spending money for school shoes when he doesn't attend school whilst with his dad ... isn't abuse

Child complaining dads not as fun/is unfair... also not abuse - I mean my DC tell granny I'm terrible all the time, kids bitch lol

Not saying abuse is not occurring but it's hard to gage bc you are coming over like you want to alienate the child from his father due to thinking it's worth comparing your life with his 6 years on

In the points you seem to be making to evidence dad = bad, cutting contact necessary

Like it doesn't quite add up bc you seem angrier that he's better off financially than you than anything else in how you've explained things

Thanks for the advice but I am in no way jealous of his new wife I know he praises her to get at me but no one knows what happens behind closed doors and I’m sure he is treating her the same as he treated me if not worse

i tried to warn her a few months ago that him and his family are all a bunch of abusers but she laughed in my face so she deserves everything she gets

You need to be more tactful. Your Ex could easily develop a case for parental alienation with that sort of action.

Yes, you are jealous. You have said so many, many times. Other times you've posted with wildly different versions to this. You are fixated on how happy they seem to be and how much your son enjoys being with his step mother. Whether your ex still feels anything for you or thinks about you
Although you divorced him because he was verbally abusive to you, he was apparently a brilliant father and had other great traits. He shouted though and your family convinced you to divorce him. And that's ok. You shouldn't have to stay in a relationship where someone was always angry at you/shouting at you.
Since he met her though you've been obsessed, considered trying to get him back but because of 'what I put him through' he probably wouldn't take you back. Whatever it was you did, you acknowledged that it was done to 'make him suffer' Those games rarely work out
I think it backfired though because he was given 50/50
I guess having your son seeing how happy they are and how lovely his step mother is has just taken you over the edge. It's really hard, that I know, but you need to, hopefully sooner rather than later, realise that YOU are damaging your son. You are lonely and depressed because, according to you, 'no one will compare' to him.
You really need to talk to someone, to get help in getting past this obsession and moving forward to a point where you can co parent in the best way for your son.
Do not think for a moment that you are not messing up your kid because you are and that's not fair. Work on you, FOR your child who I know you love very much.

He does a lot of the child care AND pays a very high level of maintenance? You need to increase your earning power if you want higher standard of living. Your ex is doing more than his fair share according to what you have said.

You are coming across as jealous and every post is about how his dad has more money and better lifestyle

perhaos your ds is not keen because of your actions and behaviour rather than his dads?

you sound like you want to stop access because you want more maintenance

of course, he might be ‘abusive’, we don’t know, but your not putting yourself in good light here and simply sound bitter.

Dont really know any 8 year old kids who see "toxic traits"

That's not language you hear used by 8 year olds very often and sounds very coached

Your child may very well be trying to please you by expressing resentment towards his father and if a court thinks so... it will be considered parental alienation

Personally re finances, although these things are hard, you have to come to terms with your finances are separate now. If though your ex has arranged 50:50 access just to avoid maintenance I can understand why this is really triggering. Re finances try though not to let it bother you as if it does your ex is winning.

Can you try to retrain or get a better paid job? Do you have family who can help financially? In your shoes that is where I would focus. Also how are you asking for extras? If you ask the dad he will just get satisfaction from saying no. If you are asking your son to ask for stuff that is not on either. Maybe just let your kid know he can ask his dad for stuff if he wants but don’t seek to influence that in any way as otherwise you are making a bad situation worse for your child.

Re your exs behaviour to your son, I’d get advice. It may be that your son needs to keep a diary. Maybe more sick notes so to speak if he really doesn’t want to go. Get advice and potentially take it back to court. If he is seriously abusive and bullying imo you need to do all you can to protect him as that could negatively affect him his whole life.

My main concern would be the emotional damage of contact. I would make a written log of all abusive behaviour and try to reduce contact/make it supervised contact.
Re: the shoes- you won’t be able to influence the man, just do everything through the official channels.

Re your exs behaviour to your son, I’d get advice. It may be that your son needs to keep a diary. Maybe more sick notes so to speak if he really doesn’t want to go. Get advice and potentially take it back to court. If he is seriously abusive and bullying imo you need to do all you can to protect him as that could negatively affect him his whole life.

i will look into this thank you

Will I need to evidence these points in court? All communications is done via a parenting app which the court stated in the court order

As a mother I have a duty to point out to my son when he is upset that his father is a nasty human being. Thats not coaching, Im stating facts that he won’t need to deal with his abusive father once I’ve taken him back to court
I am protecting my child

YOU are projecting your feelings onto you son. Based on your posts I’d say YOU are the abusive one and are trying to alienate your son from his dad because you are jealous he has more money then you

looks like you are the toxic one tbh

No, you don't. Agree with pp you are the toxic one. Poor boy.

Well what a surprise! Exactly what screams out from this thread, even though she pretends otherwise.

Leave them alone OP. You made your choices. It's 6 years on. Start taking some accountability for yourself.

You really need to move on from this man and leave his wife alone.

He doesn't sound deadbeat either. No deadbeat dad would drive 200 miles to spend time with his kid.

As a mother I have a duty to point out to my son when he is upset that his father is a nasty human being. Thats not coaching, Im stating facts that he won’t need to deal with his abusive father once I’ve taken him back to court
No you don't.
It absolutely IS coaching which the court takes a very dim view of. Probably a good thing for it to go back to court
I am protecting my child
No you're not. You are looking to punish your ex and using your child as the tool to do so.

When you say that his marriage 'pushed you over the edge' you're not wrong 🙄

It's closer to 8 years it seems.
Only 6 mths ago the OP wanted to ask him to 'try again' for the sake of their son despite him being married 🙄

Clear case of bitter ex, can’t get what she wants and now trying to use her child as a weapon against her ex. Despicable

Oh hell no OP

You do NOT have a duty to take your sons words and tell him daddy is X, Y or Z

Validating a childs feelings is totally different to spinning things into your narrative

Maybe your DS is just a bit pissed off with daddy and vents... you running with that into explaining to a fucking 8 year old child that his father who he shares DNA with is toxic or abusive ... IS the abuse

Hate my ex. Makes my blood boil. But I'm not gonna destroy my childs identity pointing out his shortcomings if it's something I just kinda disagree over, not actually abuse!

I don't trust your judgement ... it's kinda obsessive for 6-8 years on

Her ex (son's dad) threatened to kill her and her son previously. Not sure why people are glossing over that?!

He has no choice if he wants to see him he has to do the drive even the courts agreed I was going above and beyond so I don’t need to help out with the travel situation.

he even had the CM reduced because his so petty

@DuckOffAWatersBack

Because based on previous posts people here don't really believe her. We don't know the truth, it's probably more complicated, usually is. But regretting a decision years later, jealousy, etc all normal, but don't alienate the kid basically. Plenty of children don't like the transition between parents btw and it's not because they are bad parents, it's the change, but looking back it's important to put differences aside and coparent effectively, my ex didn't have this as a kid and it really screwed him up, though so much so he was determined to stay together until kids were grown (though we really shouldn't have)

The point is deadbeat dads would choose not to see their kids.

You still need to get over it. It has been 8 years. That's if your other thread is accurate.