Husband doesn't want to get divorced as doesn't want to have to give me anything

[Frenchtoast99]

Basically my husband has ignored the first 2 attempts at sending him the divorce petition, he didn't sign either of them.
My solicitor has since sent 2 letters asking for him to disclose bank statements which he won't do. This has all dragged out over the space of a year. He got his solicitor to write back to mine and to say he wanted to sort it out amicably however when I brought it up with him , it was evident that he has no intention of me getting anything from him.
When I said I could be entitled to £20k , he almost had a heart attack and vowed I would never get that sort of money off him.
So I have no choice now but to go down the Ancillary relief route and the court will then order him to hand over his bank statements.
I've been told this could cost about 10 grand each, if not more.
I really don't know what to do, I just want to get divorced but can't as he won't sign anything, so now I have to go down the aggressive route which I never wanted.
Part of me thinks, should I just stay married for a quiet life as it looks like the lawyers are going to get a good bit out of the settlement, is it worth it?
However I really want a clean slate and if we don't get divorced he can claim things off me in the future, inheritance, any property I buy.
I wanted the settlement to use as a deposit for a house for myself and my son.
For background knowledge, we have one 7 year old son with special needs, who my husband has half the time . The house was his before we met but is still classed as a marital home and I have given up my career to look after my son while my ex worked. We were married for 4 years and then I left for good reason.
My ex is extremely tight fisted with money as it is but I didn't know he would be this bad.
What should I do, soldier on with the divorce or for a quiet life, just give up what I might be owed.
Also to mention I am entitled to more than 20k but I just threw that figure out at him to see his reaction.

Why don't you have the weekends where you can spend fun time with your son and get your husband to have him on school days where it's all drudgery

and looking at it… the op gets 100% DLA 100% carers allowance and 100% CB

plus £200 maintenance

all i am saying is that he and his solicitor could very fairly argue that he should be entitled to at least one of these benefits.

and thankfully the op has accepted that she should probably tread carefully around this and will consult her solicitor on the matter

that is a good point

is your part time work over the weekend op? how many hours do you work?

how far away from one another do you and your ex live?

to be clear OP are you saying that at his home he has no clothes or shoes for his son and doesn’t ever buy him any?

Which of the benefits do you think he could “fairly argue” being entitled to?

The DLA - the OP will be able to show spending on his speech therapist. The father will not.
THe carers - the OP can show she does the majority of school pick ups and drops offs, the bulk of the school holidays and all sick days.
The CB - the Op buys all of the clothes, shoes and school uniform for the child.

At least you’ve stopped pretending in your scaremongering attempts that there is a process for him to claim half of each one directly from the OP right enough.

Thankfully the OP has realised that she was underestimating the amount she does and that her daily facilitating of her exes work should not be ignored whilst sorting out the divorce.

OP all the best for meeting with your solicitor. She will be able to clarify for you. Be sure to write down beforehand everything you want to discuss.

Have you set up mediation and had your first meeting, the one where you go individually? I’d do this first and see if he will come. If he will it avoids court. If he won’t you have formally offered mediation and attended and he has refused to go. This will not pan out well for him in court. It will also prevent paying for court and then being asked to go to mediation as the put one of that. It’s about £150 for the session you will need and the mediator will contact him for free as I recall. So it’s worth the punt of that in many ways. He did say he wanted ti be amicable …

It's not 50:50 because 13 weeks of the year you are doing the days.

Plus you are collecting from school on 'his ' days .

Looking at a custody percentage calculator it's more like 35:65. Averaged out over the year.

50:50 would mean he does 3.5 days a week every week including holidays. So you would only spend half the week either your child.

You are entitled to an equal split of all assests - house , savings, pension (on both sides. Add up what you think this is worth and decide if it's worth going don legal route.

If he goes for 50% dla stop collecting on 'his' days.

Surely the longer you stay married the more you are entitled to? If you were together over 3 years and then married 4 years then your relationship is 7 years and counting the longer this drags on. The legal fees will be huge. Surely he can see that the fact you have to work part time means your career has been impacted by your son's SEN but his hasn't.

You can point out he doesn't do 50/50 as you do most pick ups and drop offs to school and school holidays. There is no facility for sharing benefits and given your sons SEN hasn't impacted on his career but it has on yours that is the biggest argument for you keeping the DLA to pay for things for your son. It is not income for you as your ex seems to claim. He cannot get backdated benefits from you.

On the one hand I think it is good he does have him weekends as it gives you a break which is essential when you have an SEN child. I wonder as you say he is money orientated whether that is the motivation for him to reduce CMS and avoid paying out on a share of the house.

Same could apply with his brother or best friend

£150 a session?!!!

ours was much more than that!!

worth it though

you are correct insofar as the length of marriage certainly does impact settlement

but they aren’t together. they have separated. so the marriage isn’t lengthening if this drags on

@ForNaiceHiker

If they aren't officially separated then they are still married. That means any delay on his part means their marriage extends past the 5 year mark. Anything less than 5 years is a short marriage.

an “informal separation” if both parties agree the end date, would be held up as the point the clock stopped running. Usually the date one party moved out.

That is what happened in my case.

It’s what I paid 3 years ago. Had a quick google and still seems to be the going rate. It wasn’t the level where you have solicitors present for a resolution. It was the level below that.

how long were your sessions?

ours were 3 hours
that would mean the mediator charging £50 an hour
whicb for a mediator is unheard of

ours was a solicitors. was yours?

what did you google to conclude that was the going rate out of interest?