Husband doesn't want to get divorced as doesn't want to have to give me anything

[Frenchtoast99]

Basically my husband has ignored the first 2 attempts at sending him the divorce petition, he didn't sign either of them.
My solicitor has since sent 2 letters asking for him to disclose bank statements which he won't do. This has all dragged out over the space of a year. He got his solicitor to write back to mine and to say he wanted to sort it out amicably however when I brought it up with him , it was evident that he has no intention of me getting anything from him.
When I said I could be entitled to £20k , he almost had a heart attack and vowed I would never get that sort of money off him.
So I have no choice now but to go down the Ancillary relief route and the court will then order him to hand over his bank statements.
I've been told this could cost about 10 grand each, if not more.
I really don't know what to do, I just want to get divorced but can't as he won't sign anything, so now I have to go down the aggressive route which I never wanted.
Part of me thinks, should I just stay married for a quiet life as it looks like the lawyers are going to get a good bit out of the settlement, is it worth it?
However I really want a clean slate and if we don't get divorced he can claim things off me in the future, inheritance, any property I buy.
I wanted the settlement to use as a deposit for a house for myself and my son.
For background knowledge, we have one 7 year old son with special needs, who my husband has half the time . The house was his before we met but is still classed as a marital home and I have given up my career to look after my son while my ex worked. We were married for 4 years and then I left for good reason.
My ex is extremely tight fisted with money as it is but I didn't know he would be this bad.
What should I do, soldier on with the divorce or for a quiet life, just give up what I might be owed.
Also to mention I am entitled to more than 20k but I just threw that figure out at him to see his reaction.

@JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls he pays 200 quid a month CM. Technically he does have him 50 percent of the time as it's 3 sometimes 4 nights a week he has him? I'm assuming that's 50/50?

@Frenchtoast99 there are other avenues available if he is reluctant!!

https://www.thelawsuperstore.co.uk/family/help-and-advice/divorce-without-consent

Take him to court and get everything that is yours. Do not let him fob you off.

I would absolutely go the aggressive route, even if it means a hefty solicitor bill. Any man who wants to see the woman who gave him a child and gave up her career to look after that child be penniless is a vile human in my book.

Find your anger op and claim what's fair.

so he pays £200 a month and has him 50/50
plus you get the carers allowance
plus you get the DLA
plus you get child benefit

Thank you so much everyone for the boost in morale, I've really needed it. I'm walking about with this big black cloud over me all day every day.

Isn't the proportion of nights worked out over the course of a year?

If so 50/50 in term time but (eg) 80/20 in the holidays isn't going to equate to 50/50 overall.

And I'm not sure it's in your interests to do all the school runs for your STBEX. Not unless he's going to start financially compensating you.

I'm not 100% sure how it works but no, this is not 50% to my mind because over the year, he doesn't have him 50% of the time.

In the holidays, does your ex have him on his regular night time schedule but you look after him in the day? In which case, technically that MIGHT mean he's doing 50% as I think it's based on nights, but ethically, I think it's pretty clear that YOU have him far more of the time.

@ForNaiceHiker yes that's correct. I will say the first 2 years of separation, he def didn't have him full time, more like 2 to 3 days a week , but this past year or so , it's been more 50/50 but I think that's because he is trying to not have to give me anything at all and he only started taking him more when I filed for the divorce a year ago.

I'd start to tell him that he needs to arrange for pick up and drop off at school on his days to allow you to work more, plus the days he has the dc overnight are his days to sort out during school holidays too. You're facilitating his overnights by doing all the pick ups and drop offs and school holidays

thing is op… he could say… i’m entitled to half of carers allowance and dla and CB (which totals… £800 a month?) but he hasn’t.

you have read that the op gets 100% of the dla, carers allowance and cb AND £209 maintenance AND works part time?

He couldn’t. They are not splittable benefits. Only one person can claim them.

In England/Wales, yes. In Scotland, my understanding is that settlement is based on date of separation, not divorce.

@ForNaiceHiker well sure, if he actually had his son dring the DAYS and not just the nights, so that OP could work more, then it would perhaps be fair for him to stop paying CMS and to split other benefits. But he's not.

Meanwhile, he has a house with £80k equity so OP is entitled to 50% of that, plus 50% of their combined pension pot and other assets. So really, so far he's getting off pretty well so far.

Sadly, he sounds like the sort of man who'd rather give all his money to a solicitor than any of it to you.

I'd be exploring other options like the link above and similar: https://cartwrightking.co.uk/articles/family/divorce-without-consent/

So…. in that case, he could say i’ll get dla and you get carers and then i’ll off set my half of CB off maintenance

@ForNaiceHikerI pay for his speech therapist and buy all his clothes, uniform etc and we go on holidays . My ex doesn't pay for any of that

i have been through divorce as the mother working part time who gave up career and i can tell you that this “you are entitled to 50%” is mumsnet urban legend.

depends on so much
no least length of marriage
and at 4 years this is a short marriage in the eyes of the law

you can’t have “half of CB”. Thats not how it works. Only one person is entitled to it.

And as the person who does every school pick up and drop off, and no doubt every dentist and doctors appointment, the OP would be the one entitled in a dispute.

On days he has him over night in the week he needs to collect him from school, that would allow you to increase work hours

It's quite a complex situation where a judge would need to know all the ins and outs, my head is a mess. I'm worried now that he's going to want all the DLA or try and get it backdated from me, is this possible

He's honestly only had him 50/50 this last year , the previous 2 years I had our son the most. I do every school pick up and most of the drop offs. Anf my ex is able to work till 5pm everyday.
During summer hols, I have my son pretty much every day as my ex hardly takes annual leave during summer hols, he does still have him 3 or 4 nights a week

No, there’s no method for him to claim any backdated money from DLA from you.

I have no idea about backdating DLA or whatever but honestly, I wouldn't be stressing about this. At the end of the day, for all practical purposes, you ARE the primary caregiver so any benefits are due to you. There probably is an argument that he doesn't need to pay CMS, but that's a separate conversation.

As for the 50% thing - speak to your solicitor. I think it's pretty unlikely it wouldn't be agreed you're entitled to 50% or close to it.