Husband doesn't want to get divorced as doesn't want to have to give me anything

[Frenchtoast99]

Basically my husband has ignored the first 2 attempts at sending him the divorce petition, he didn't sign either of them.
My solicitor has since sent 2 letters asking for him to disclose bank statements which he won't do. This has all dragged out over the space of a year. He got his solicitor to write back to mine and to say he wanted to sort it out amicably however when I brought it up with him , it was evident that he has no intention of me getting anything from him.
When I said I could be entitled to £20k , he almost had a heart attack and vowed I would never get that sort of money off him.
So I have no choice now but to go down the Ancillary relief route and the court will then order him to hand over his bank statements.
I've been told this could cost about 10 grand each, if not more.
I really don't know what to do, I just want to get divorced but can't as he won't sign anything, so now I have to go down the aggressive route which I never wanted.
Part of me thinks, should I just stay married for a quiet life as it looks like the lawyers are going to get a good bit out of the settlement, is it worth it?
However I really want a clean slate and if we don't get divorced he can claim things off me in the future, inheritance, any property I buy.
I wanted the settlement to use as a deposit for a house for myself and my son.
For background knowledge, we have one 7 year old son with special needs, who my husband has half the time . The house was his before we met but is still classed as a marital home and I have given up my career to look after my son while my ex worked. We were married for 4 years and then I left for good reason.
My ex is extremely tight fisted with money as it is but I didn't know he would be this bad.
What should I do, soldier on with the divorce or for a quiet life, just give up what I might be owed.
Also to mention I am entitled to more than 20k but I just threw that figure out at him to see his reaction.

Given that it is a short marriage, you may end up with less than 50%, but as your son is older, the years prior may be taken into consideration. Make sure his pension is included in the calculation.

What does your solicitor think about your likely entitlement?

Either way, I think you need to bite the bullet and take him to court. If you stay married, this will continue to hang over you and blight your life. There's also the possibility that your career may take off and, years down the road, he might be entitled to a large percentage of your assets, if you don't divorce...

You really need to stop saying that he has him 50/50.

If he doesn’t do school holidays then he doesn’t have 50/50 as it’s an all year round thing.

If you do every single pick up and drop off then he’s not even doing 50/50 day time.

Does he drop your child to you every morning when he has him overnight?

Yoir ex works full time, he probably has a decent pension. Do you have a pension op? All assets including pensions and savings, will go into the pot to be split. You may be entitled to a lot more than £20k.

yes

but he could say

given i have him half the time, i’ll deduct half the CB from what i transfer

all i’m saying is that there is a lot more he could be pursuing

@YetMoreNewBeginnings unfortunately it goes by how many nights he has our child, and not days. So even if he had my son only 3 or 4 nights and dropped him back first thing in the morning, he would still be classed technically as having him 50/ 50 and this is calculated over the year period.
To be fair to him, he doesn't drop him back first thing, he only does that if he has to go to work and it's the school holidays.

You need to take immediate, aggressive action.

You need to find out the exact situation wrt the equity in the house.

You need to stop him from taking out any kind of loan with home equity as the collateral, which would reduce the amount of equity. Basically, you need to stop any dissipation of assets.

You need to stop facilitating his career while hobbling yours.

Night time and weekend care is not the same as daytime care. He isn't doing 'almost' 50/50. Weekends and overnight once a week isn't cutting into his working hours at all. His threat to go for 50/50 residential custody is very likely an empty one.

Take off the gloves and prepare for a bare knuckle fight.

He can't thumb his nose at the courts like this. Contempt of court is a thing.

ex hardly takes annual leave during summer hols, he does still have him 3 or 4 nights a week

So you pick him up in the morning then a night or two later you drop him off again, just to sleep?

Ahh x post

No, it is not possible.

You need to get a long appointment with your solicitor and instruct him or her to get aggressive with this bastard.

@ForNaiceHiker I agree with you, I may get him to reduce the child maintenance, I will email my solicitor and see what she advises me to do..

@mathanxiety thank you, I have registered an interest in the house , that was the first thing my solicitor advised me to do

sensible to spend the money having an open and frank discussion with your solicitor

@mathanxiety yes his taking our son isn't eating into any of his ability to work , the way it is for me. He is able to work Mon to Friday full time and I base my hours around our son . If I didn't have my son, then I would be working full time.

Can I just say , you guys are all amazing , taking time out of your day to advise me and try and help, honestly I appreciate it so much ❤️ none of my friends or any of my family have gone through a divorce so I'm navigating this on my own , I have a lovely solicitor as well thankfully.

He couldn’t deduct something he’s not entitled to from money he’s obliged to pay.

If he wants to argue the unfairness in CB in his situation he’d have to take it up with the government.

Theres no avenue for him to pursue with the Op.

If you want to get divorced and be free to run your own life you must bite the bullet and take him to court. He may decide to settle when he finds out how much it is going to cost, if not hard luck.

he only does that if he has to go to work and it's the school holidays.

presumably he also does it every day in term time if you do all of the drop offs and pick ups?

@YetMoreNewBeginnings he drops him to school twice a week in the mornings , I do the 3 other drop offs and I do every pick up, from Monday to Friday and then obviously all the after school care

So instead of just agreeing all the time that he does 50/50 make sure that you do not downplay the fact that he only does 50/50 nights which you facilitate with pick ups and drop offs.

You could withdraw that support that you give him anytime you wanted.

So don’t allow the fact that you don’t have 50% responsibility because of what you do to be downplayed by him or in your divorce discussions just because nights is the only thing CMs is interested in.

Also if this 50/50 started in the last while when divorce and finance discussions come up don’t be surprised if the desire for it vanishes once your divorce is finalised.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings great advice, thank you. I didn't realize how much me working around his employment facilitates him , such as doing the school pick ups , I have just automatically taken a back seat in terms of employment.
I have also thought to myself before that he may reduce the amount of the time he takes out son once the divorce is over which I will be disgusted with him if he does.

Every time you pick up from school on his day, and every time he drops off at yours on his day, you are doing him a favour and facilitating him working without sorting or paying for childcare.

Keep that in mind before doing things like suggesting he deducts child benefit from his maintenance.

What time does he collect him when he’s working? Do you feed him dinner? When was the last time your ex collected him from school when he was ill or had a day off when your DS was ill on one of his days? When was the last time he did a doctors or dentist appointment? Don’t downplay what you do just because CMS use a blunt tool.

Does he chip in for any activities your DS does or his school uniform or shoes? Consider that before suggesting deductions from what he gives you.

It’s very common for the NRP to drop time when the divorce is finalised. Especially when a new partner comes along.

He is supposed to be responsible for the day along with the night. You are scuppering your own employment opportunities to essentially subsidize your ex by doing his school runs and wrap-around care.

if you have to go the adversarial way route to get your divorce, you should go for your full share of the assets. You definitely should not just stay married. That would expose you to potential liability if your ex got into financial difficulties.

You probably have a claim on his pension as well as the house.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings I honestly didn't know that on the nights he has him that he should be sorting out pick ups and childcare. So I pick our son up on a Monday and a Friday from school and have him until 5pm and then his dad collects him at 5pm. He usually gets snacks with me as well.
If my son is sick , I keep him off school and look after him . I take him to dental and doctor appointments, if it's a special appointment, I will say to his dad and he will come along but he never brings him by himself.
No he doesn't chip in for uniform, clothes or shoes. I suppose his maintenance helps to pay for that.
At least I can use these points as a plus for my case which before I didn't think I could. Thanks again

Tell him you have taken advice and if you go the Ancillary Relief route he will end up with the court ordered amount you are owed PLUS an extra £10k in lawyer fees.

Surely that will focus his mind?