In shock and confused

[Imgoingoutforawhile]

I have name changed as I don’t want this linked to my other posts.

My husband has just told me he’s leaving me, hasn’t been happy for years, loves me but is not IN love with me.

I had no idea he was so unhappy. I feel betrayed that he never talked this through with me so we could try and make it work.

Been together 12 years, married nearly 7.
I have two kids, 17 and 20, from a previous relationship, they don’t see their bio father.

I’m devastated. He’s honestly the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever known and I love him very much.

He’s obviously been thinking about this for a while as he’s told me that it’s better to spilt assets on separation rather than on divorce and that divorce can all be done online now without a court etc. I had no idea about any of it.

We don’t own our home, we rent and I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent on my own (older DC at uni, younger DC doing A levels) the furniture is all ours.
He has a large amount of savings as we’ve been saving a house deposit. I have a small amount of savings. He earns around 5 times more than me that’s why he has so much more.

He says we would just spilt the savings on half and then if I keep the car, the furniture etc he would take the money for that off my half, does that make sense and is that right?

My head is spinning and I can’t think straight

OP please go on to the entitled to calculator to see if you will be entitled to any benefits or additional financial help now you are on your own. And do not agree to anything without getting legal advice first, don’t let him rush you into agreeing anything

I don’t know if he doesn’t realise about the pension or if he is trying to hide that from me

Oh, he knows.
He's trying to rush you into just accepting half of his savings and nothing else.

He's got this well figured out.

Thank you for this.

We are early 40s, I had my children young.

We met and after 18 months of dating he moved in with us and yes, he has helped to raise my children since then.
Physically, emotionally, financially, everything.
They will be devastated too as they see him as a father.

I’m not a low earner, sorry if I gave that impression, it’s just he is a very high earner. I’m on 32k but live in south west London so it’s expensive here.

I don’t want revenge, I don’t want to fleece him, I just want to make sure my kids and I will be ok whilst they are still studying

This. This. This.

He is looking for somewhere to move out to and when he does I won’t be able to afford the rent here. It’s more than 75% of my take home pay and it’s already at a discount as the landlord is a family friend who was just helping us out whilst we saved our house deposit.

Presumably both of you are on the lease? If so, he can move out, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's out of the lease as well. Another point to get solid advice on.

Can you rent a room out for the time being until you decide what to do ?
Living with strangers isn’t ideal but needs must
I

I am so sorry to hear this news which is clearly a massive shock.
I was in this position 7 years ago and although our financial situation was slightly different we managed to deal with it amicably and get on still do this day.
I'm happier then I have ever been but I have said to him how unfair it felt that he managed to process it all and come up with solutions whilst I was naively thinking we were okay.
I was the same and couldn't talk to my mum either so hope you have people you can talk to- sorry I've not read every comment.

I won’t be able to afford the rent here - make sure you take proper advice about this too - is he on the lease? - are you? - find out about benefits by using online calculator. Your income is not high and you may very well qualify for benefits, especially as you have a son at home in education. Does your 20 year old contribute to the family finances?

My 20 year old does not contribute, he is away at uni, in fact due to my H’s high earnings, we send him money each month as he didn’t qualify for full student loan.

I’ve had a look at a benefit calculator and looks like I could claim some universal credit until DS2 is 19 if he stays in education so that does buy me some time regarding rent and sorting the finances

Come on, they aren’t even his kids ,it’s a relatively short marriage and both parties are still young at early 40’s so both have still got 25 plus years of earning power before retirement age. It’s not always about men shafting women financially you know,why should the lawyers get lots of money that the people themselves can use?

He doesn’t need to make sure your kids are catered for just that you both share the proceeds of the relatively short marriage.

The baseline is 50/50. Make sure you get full disclosure on his pension (as it is savings).

I‘m sorry that you are going through this but I will echo the above- it is almost 100% likelihood that he has someone else. He is further along than you and you need to give yourself emotional breathing room.

Just want to send you love @Imgoingoutforawhile. My stbxh did exactly the same and walked out on me just a few days into the new year. He's already applied for divorce. Be really kind to yourself in these early days and keep posting here x

Good grief they've only been married 7 years and he's financed raising her dc. He's not out to fleece her

He doesn't have any kids. He helped raise her kids. He supported them physically, emotionally and financially. His career and savings are not due to anything OP did. They've been married for 7 years and people think the OP deserves half of everything?

So the OP comes out of the marriage benefitting financially. What does he come out with? So one sided. Had she sacrificed to raise his dc that would be different but she didn't. Infact he has given and she has taken from the starry

Agree that actually op has likely massively benefited from the marriage here rather than sacrificed to support husband

he’s taking on a lower earning wife and supported 2 young children who aren’t biologically his. Op has most likely enjoyed lifestyle way beyond her own means

However, he still can’t just up and leave and leave her up the creek. They’ll need to come to some sort of financial arrangement and op will be entitled to share if pension accrued during marriage .

@tittybumbum i didn’t say that he was out to fleece her? She’s just written that she earns 32k and he earns 150k plus. That means he can get a mortgage of, what, 600k and she can get one for £120k. How is that going to meet her housing needs in an equitable way to his, bearing in mind that she has a child doing A levels so presumably can’t just move out of the area? He can put a huge amount into a pension, probably already has during the years they were together. If they split the savings equally, how is that equitable when you look at their overall position?
A 12 year relationship and 7 years married is not short. No one is suggesting she fleece him but it seems to me and almost every poster, that financially he’s going to be at a huge advantage and that she should take some time to process and seek legal advice before agreeing anything.
Supporting her and her children was his choice too. If he didn’t want to do it then he wouldn’t have got married. He can’t then leave her in a position where she can’t meet her own needs, whilst he can absolutely meet his own. A 50/50 split of the assets including his pension, accrued during the relationship may well be fair, especially as he has the time and the earnings to build it up again (as she will be able to build hers) but that would be for a solicitor to advise.

Sadly this is why men don't want to marry women or say they lose out. He lifted OP and her dc to a higher standard of living and the thanks he gets is to lose half his savings and pension.

Look, in cases of long marriages with dc I get it and totally agree but a relatively short marriage where he has been generous and giving to op and her dc and then loses half his savings leaves a sour taste.
When one person walks away winning and the other losing that doesn't feel right.
If it was a 20 year marriage with joint dc where she enabled him to succeed by doing the grunt work at home raising his dc thereby reducing her earning potential then 100% she's entitled to half. In this case. No.

Surely you can see that a wife of 20 years who brought up their joint dc thereby sacrificing her own earning potential is a different case to a relatively short marriage with no joint dc where she benefitted in every way. Why should they be deemed the sane?

Surely you can see that a wife of 20 years who brought up their joint dc thereby sacrificing her own earning potential is a different case to a relatively short marriage with no joint dc where she benefitted in every way. Why should they be deemed the sane?

How belittling of the relationship. A relationship of 12 years is well over half those children's lives and the OP has already said the DC view him as a father.

When my DH and I first started living together and then got married, we discussed what this meant in terms of my DC. I said I would prefer to live separately unless he was willing to happily embrace all the responsibilities that came with being a parent, for better or worse. He agreed to and has stated that he would not view that differently even if we divorced (not that we have plans to). For all we know, OP's STBXH did the same.

I actually outearn my DH now (not that it matters) but I didn't at the time. He didn't take me on and "lift" us to a "higher standard of living" like some Prince Charming. He'd tell you that he got the joy of family life that he'd never otherwise have experienced.

I’m glad you’re seeing a solicitor. I had a feeling from your OP that you were going to get fleeced. Furniture indeed!!! The cheek of this man.

The Money Matters board is a great source of advice about UC, student finance, and pensions too.

Im not familiar with the system, is the student loan something that can be reassessed post split just on your income? Its another complication given he's not their biological father. Hopefully he still sees them as his kids but if he doesn't he wouldn't be the first step parent or biological parent to cut ties post divorce. He sounds like a fairly decent guy, but divorce can bring out the worst in people. I wouldn't go in guns blazing, say the pension needs to be considered too, but don't accuse him of trying to fleece you. See a solicitor, it might be that not all of the pension should be considered part of the marital assets. Organise mediation, or leave him to do it, but go when he does so and then go from there.

I think the point people are ( rightly) making is op dh has provided for her and her kids, supported them with a home and lifestyle they otherwise would t have been able to afford, and it’s not necessarily a case here where a woman has sacrificed her earning to raise joint kids allowing husband to succeed. More likely, op simply earns less due to having children ( not husbands) young and /or is simply in a field/job that doesn’t pay as much. So posters saying go for 60/70/80% are not really being realistic.

op should seek advice and will be entitled to a share of his pension for sure. But all the talk of getting more than 50% due to sacrifice and raising their children is misguided

Op I hope you are managing to look after yourself at this time. Baby steps

DO NOT agree to anything financial until you get legal advice. Even if you do a no fault divorce online, the financial order needs to be signed off by a solicitor to make sure that no one is being financially screwed over (I'm doing my own divorce at the moment).

He's clearly planned this for a while and wants to take advantage of the element of surprise. Tell him that you also need that time to prepare etc.

@millymollymoomoo
i was personally suggesting that it might be more than 50% of the savings if he has a pension but it isn’t included in the overall assets (so he keeps it) or 50/50 if the pension accrued during their relationship is also included (assuming he has one).
Not that the OP is entitled to more than 50% of all the assets or to keep the same lifestyle she has enjoyed, but she should be able to meet her housing needs if he can do so comfortably. After children of the family, both parties housing and living needs are the next thing that Courts prioritise. 50% of the savings plus a full mortgage may not allow OP that in SW London where her youngest is doing A-Levels and where she travels to work? They may also consider the child doing A levels as a child of the family, if that’s the sort of relationship they all enjoyed.
Agree with @Resilience it’s very belittling of their relationship to assumed he saved OP. Maybe she saved him, maybe he loved being a great stepdad, maybe she kept house alongside working while he worked at his job - we don’t know the details and it’s not relevant to making sure both parties are okay going forward.
OP your child will be entitled to a decent student maintenance grant on your income - you can contact them about the change in circumstances.

im not belittling op

but its quite possible that rather than being disadvantaged by marriage op has been advantaged so people arguing that she is due higher split to reflect that are misguided

Not misguided.
They just have a different opinion from yours.