In shock and confused

[Imgoingoutforawhile]

I have name changed as I don’t want this linked to my other posts.

My husband has just told me he’s leaving me, hasn’t been happy for years, loves me but is not IN love with me.

I had no idea he was so unhappy. I feel betrayed that he never talked this through with me so we could try and make it work.

Been together 12 years, married nearly 7.
I have two kids, 17 and 20, from a previous relationship, they don’t see their bio father.

I’m devastated. He’s honestly the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever known and I love him very much.

He’s obviously been thinking about this for a while as he’s told me that it’s better to spilt assets on separation rather than on divorce and that divorce can all be done online now without a court etc. I had no idea about any of it.

We don’t own our home, we rent and I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent on my own (older DC at uni, younger DC doing A levels) the furniture is all ours.
He has a large amount of savings as we’ve been saving a house deposit. I have a small amount of savings. He earns around 5 times more than me that’s why he has so much more.

He says we would just spilt the savings on half and then if I keep the car, the furniture etc he would take the money for that off my half, does that make sense and is that right?

My head is spinning and I can’t think straight

GET LEGAL ADVICE

Yes you would be. I don't know how much but definitely pensions go into the pot, both yours and his. Furniture Id rather agree split it as I did with XH so we didn't add the value which is very subjective to either side. I wouldn't want old furniture if he's valuing it against the savings as replacement cost and given he hasn't mentioned pensions at all Id be very wary. He's no longer on your side, don't expect him to do the right thing, he's already showing he's not going to do that.

ETA: Usually the pension is split, so some portion is set aside for you and you can access that at retirement age. You might be able to move that amount to your own pension, I think this depends on the scheme. You could also offer him a choice of keeping his pension intact and you getting more of the cash assets.

This, this, this, this, this.

I put a few hundred pounds a month into a stakeholder pension from the age of 22 and by 40 it was worth over £100,000 (and that’s with gaps in contributions in later years)

If he’s been putting away a decent amount he could be trying to cheat you out of a lot of money.

He has someone else OP. Get some legal advice before you do anything. Don't be rushed or forced into anything.

@Imgoingoutforawhile
Do not agree to anything without a solicitor.
Make an appointment a s.a.p. You simply cannot afford not to.
There are no 'his savings' and 'your savings'. Same with pension pots (not current pay outs which you obviously don't receive).
Take copies of everything you can - photos of bank statements etc - before he moves money out of sight.
Be 100% suspicious of him and don't trust anything he says.
He is not acting in his best interests, only his own.

I'm afraid this is exactly correct. Please don't agree to anything whatsoever before you've seen a solicitor. Let him leave, but don't let him rush the divorce.

This is the worst time for you to be making decisions because you're so distressed. When my ex broke up with me I cried for weeks. I would probably have agreed anything he asked for because I still loved him. In this state you're vulnerable and not capable of making sensible decisions. Make him wait.

There will be someone else I’m afraid. Speak to a Solicitor asap.

Make your appointment with a solicitor. Tell your OH that you will not discuss practical arrangements over finances etc. till you have had that conversation and do not succumb to any persuasion from him. Stay silent on the subject; agree to nothing; sign nothing; put nothing in writing. Make a list of questions to ask the solicitor based on all the sound advice on this thread from those who have been through this.

I think you are in a horrible situation but need to try and stand back and think as clearly as you can. Realistically would he leave a relationship with someone he loves ("but not IN love with") to launch himself into a solo existence? It is very likely his head has been turned by someone else, so you do need to be prepared for this.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Speak to a solicitor, find out what you're entitled to and get him agree to that whilst he's still in the guilty phase (don't forget his pension).

You may not believe it now, but in six months time he won't be so amenable, so get the financial agreement drawn up ASAP and then deal with your emotions afterwards.

Apologies for being blunt but that's what you need to do.

YES

Do NOT agree to anything without financial and legal advice!!!! He's got ahead of you, you need to catch up and make sure you're protected financially. He is no longer on your team, and not to be trusted.

Men do not move on to an empty bed- there will be someone else, even if online. You do need a solicitor to ensure you are getting a fair deal and as you are married you both will need a financial agreement to be signed off.

Sounds like he has completely blindsided you - and has thought this though. You are entitled to think things through to so do not be rushed here - take stock and do not trust a word he says.

But he has checked out of the marriage - this is now a done deal. Take your time here - have a break and get your head around it.

https://www.gov.uk/get-a-divorce

Really sorry to hear it. Happens to me 6 years ago and still not over it. Turn out he had met someone else so he dropped me for her.do not rush into agreement without a solicitor.

You can get 30 minutes free with some law firms.
Write down questions, take a notepad.
If you want to be difficult go and see the best couple of firms in your area. He then can’t use them as it’s a conflict of interest on the part of the law firm.

I guarantee he will have OW lined up.

I have 2 friends divorcing right now and a 3rd in marriage counselling but it’s not looking good. The husband had had an affair and spun exactly that line to her and the other two are women who have had enough of low grade marriages. They are both however well paid in their own right and very financially astute.

There is almost certainly someone else, could be an online fling if he never goes anywhere.

Do not agree to any sort of settlement without getting advice from a solicitor. Everything goes into the pot, so both pensions, all savings any other assets such as cars etc. it then gets divided between you not necessarily 50/50 it can be in differing shares depending on earning ability etc.

OP if there wasn't someone else and you haven't been fighting, why would he suddenly be in this desperate rush to split. He wouldn't. He would either carry on as is or talk to you or go about splitting after figuring out with you what to do.

I'm sorry but his haste and the out of the blue nature screams that he has someone else in some capacity that he is already or is hoping to be involved with

He's definitely using The Script - so sorry this is happening to you.
There will undoubtedly be someone else involved. Prepare yourself more more unpleasant revelations and rewriting of history.

You're not going to safely agree anything in this state of mind and you need someone who is an expert to handle this for you. Get yourself a solicitor as soon as possible and gather financial evidence.

Don't let him rush you also - he may have someone else nudging things along but you need to give yourself a minute to let things sink in and be able to think practically for yourself. He's way ahead of you there as he knew this was coming. Dig your heels in, get advice.

Pension funds form part of the financial picture as a whole and will be taken into account when dividing the money and goods that are part of the marriage.

Sending you lots of hugs and supportive vibes. You will get through this.

As others have said, you will be entitled to a share of savings and pension.

It doesn't sounds like you have any dependant children, or won't by the time things are finalised so it should be a straight 50/50.

The morality of taking the portion of your ex husbands pension which he built up before you even met, i would personally not feel great about, but you must decide on that.

Contrary to everyone else I know several men in RL who left simply because they were unhappy, and there was not an OW

in reality, it doesn’t matter either. He’s entitled to leave either way, and it’s going to be massive shock to op regardess

op you don’t need to be rushed. You need some time to process and gather thoughts. But all assets are in the pot inc his pensions.

a solicitor will help guide you through what a range of financial outcomes could be

Do not agree to anything before you have taken legal advice.

It's so important to get the correct financial advice from a professional.

He's been getting his ducks in a row for a while. I would be surprised if there wasn't another woman/man involved.

Thank you for all the advice and kind words.

I honestly don’t think there is someone else but as others have pointed out, it really doesn’t matter right now.

He is looking for somewhere to move out to and when he does I won’t be able to afford the rent here. It’s more than 75% of my take home pay and it’s already at a discount as the landlord is a family friend who was just helping us out whilst we saved our house deposit.

I will sort out a solicitor tomorrow as everyone on here has suggested, I don’t know if he doesn’t realise about the pension or if he is trying to hide that from me.

I’m trying to be normal for my DS17 who is trying to spoil me as it’s Mother’s Day and I just want to go back to bed and cry

If you need to, ask the solicitors re interim
financial support, ancillary relief

he cant just up and leave, leaving you up shit creek financially

also, not knowing what you earn, are you entitled to any help with rent or anything? Universal credit top up? If do, make sure you put in an application

This, with knobs on. I'm in a similar situation. My 'D'H had been planning to end things since early last year, told me just 6 weeks ago so i'm still mentally playing catch up.

You CAN do a lot of divorce related stuff yourself but i really would recommend you talk through your situation with a solicitor first, so you don't overlook anything. I paid for 45 mins with one - actually got well over an hour - and she was incredibly helpful. Your ex will be wanting an 'easy' split for his own reasons, you need to prioritise yourself because i guarantee he won't. Good luck x

"Doesn't realise about the pension"

My arse

My arse too

If he’s been putting away a decent amount he could be trying to cheat you out of a lot of money.

I'm feeling very uncomfortable with that tone on this thread. The other side of this is that he has probably generously supported 3 people for about 10 years.

OP is low earner, has been with him 12 years, married 7.

They are both in their 40s which implies that he had at least 10 (could be almost 20) years of savings, pension building, building career before they got together. He very possibly didn't get to a great career/salary because of her sacrifices to take care of his duties (not his kids). It sounds like he has raised her children as his own, paid for their housing and needs, For at least 7 if not 12 years.

I'm sorry you have to contemplate moving house, OP. You need to find out about benefits you could get to help pay your bills, & can the adult-sized kids contribute to household income. In a no fault divorce, the first form you file has a 20 week cooling off period. Tell him that you need that 20 weeks to figure out the best way to split the assets. This time to figure things out is entirely reasonable to ask for, given the way he sprung this on you.

Using "shit hot" lawyers to punish each other is very expensive stupidity. Whether there's OW or not has no relevance to fair financial split.