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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

The OW

60 replies

redvelvet77 · 04/03/2024 14:36

My children's father had an affair 9 years ago when my children were v small (youngest not even born). He is still with the OW and they have a new family.

I detest her (OW) and think I always will for her part in the affair.

My children have been aware of this over the years as I can't pretend I like her. My ex is now blaming me for his troubled relationship with our eldest. He says my views on his GF (OW) should be made aware to our children but I on the other hand am entitled to my own view and haven't been able to hide it. I don't go out my way to do or say anything but on the occasions we've bumped into her clearly I've not been overly friendly.

I am now thinking I need to have a different approach to help my children. Although difficult as after they fell out last year both my children heard all their rows so clearly can form their own opinion of her.

Anyone else in a similar situation with the OW and can offer some advice?

OP posts:

savethatkitty · 04/03/2024 14:39

Your ex should have thought of the consequences! You shouldn't have to hide your feelings from the children in case HE looks bad. He did wrong, he wears it.

Popquizzer · 04/03/2024 14:40

Your ex is being ridiculous. It's not your job to manipulate your children into liking his girlfriend.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2024 14:43

You seem to think what she did was worse than what he did. He was the one who cheated on you and you’re not trying to turn your children against him.

forgivingfiggy · 04/03/2024 14:45

I think you need to remove your feelings about the OW from any conversation you have about her with your kids. She is their stepmum

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 04/03/2024 14:45

@AnneLovesGilbert I don't think what she did was worse, I detest her as I can't detest him as he is my children's father and I have moved on and dealt with how I feel towards him for the sake of my children.

Just wondered if anyone was in a similar situation and how they approach the OW?

OP posts:

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 04/03/2024 14:46

@forgivingfiggy I've never viewed her as their stepmom, just their dad's girlfriend. Again maybe that's wrong.

OP posts:

Dozycuntlaters · 04/03/2024 14:49

Your ex was a wanker, no doubt about that, but you really do need to try and hide your feelings for the OW from your kids. Not for him or her but for them.

My marriage broke down when my DS was 11. His dad was an absolute arsehole to me at times but my son is not aware of this because I wanted them to have a good relationship.

I know he hurt you and god, it must really hurt for your kids to go and stay with him but for your own well being, and their happiness, just let it go.

More fool her, one womans trash is another womans treasure and all that.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/03/2024 14:49

If you have spoken poorly of this woman to your children, that is totally unacceptable.

Alphyn · 04/03/2024 14:56

I’m in a similar situation - I ignore her if I ever cross paths with her (whether she’s alone or with exH/my DC) and she pretty much does the same. DC know about the affair - I’ve explained it in a matter-of-fact but dispassionate way. I have taken them shopping for her/their DC (e.g. new baby, Christmas) and avoid criticising her or anything unless it’s to sympathise with any complaints they have about her. But they know I’m never going to be friendly with her.

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 04/03/2024 15:00

@Alphyn thank you. I've tried to kill her with kindness but my children know me and know I'm being v false. It's funny as I don't think about her, she has no part in my life/thoughts. It's just my ex is trying to deflect from his wrong doings with the issues with his relationship with our eldest and I shouldn't be surprised but he's trying to blame me!

OP posts:

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 04/03/2024 15:07

forgivingfiggy · 04/03/2024 14:45

I think you need to remove your feelings about the OW from any conversation you have about her with your kids. She is their stepmum

No she isn’t, they aren’t married. She’s just their dad’s girlfriend.

Ahugga · 04/03/2024 16:41

I'd say that's very much not your problem to solve. Presumably your children are all of an age now where they will be aware of what went on, and are able to start forming their own opinions. Kids are not stupid, if dad treats mum horribly, however hard you try to be the bigger person they will form an opinion on it at some point.

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 04/03/2024 17:32

I feel a bit guilty my children know but how can they not have known? He left and was with another woman shortly after, he has never admitted his affair to me but it was obvious at the time. The OW git pregnant within a year of him leaving. My eldest finds that difficult too!

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/03/2024 20:51

It’s ironic that you’re posting elsewhere about how difficult it is for you because your your “stepchildren” / boyfriend’s children dislike you because their mum has made her dislike of you and their dad (who cheated on their mum) clear to them - yet don’t seem to realise you’re doing exactly the same here and that ultimately the people in the middle of all of these messy relationships are all the children of each of you who didn’t ask for any of it or to be weighted down with their parents’ squabbles and bitterness.

It doesn’t matter how you feel about your ex’s partner. She isn’t the one struggling because of your feelings. Your job is to make sure your children never feel that they’re expected to take sides and that they need to behave a certain way towards their dad to keep you happy. It sounds a pretty miserable situation for your DC, all in: their dad and stepmom rowing at his house; being sad and anxious about it but knowing that their mum is probably delighted at trouble in paradise so not being able to express their feelings properly to you; having to deal with your boyfriend’s sullen and angry children at yours. Some family therapy for the lot of you wouldn’t be the worst idea. None of you are doing the best job right now of keeping your relationship problems out of the children’s sphere.

feelingalittlehorse · 04/03/2024 21:22

How can your children know the timescale and exactly what happened if they were very young/ not born?
At their ages, they shouldn’t really be privvy to the ins and outs of adult relationships, and their relationship with both their parents should be supported each way. As they get older, they can make their own minds up.

I say this as having experience of this exact situation, although I was the child and a bit older. It’s not nice at all, and the bitterness and nastiness we laid witness to has left lasting mental health issues. You are testing their loyalties and that’s a disgraceful situation to put them in. We now have very poor relationships with both our parents as a result.

My advice, with kindness, is to keep your negative feelings to yourself. Support their relationship with their father, as he should support yours.

Whattodo112222 · 04/03/2024 21:28

I completely understand its awful and you despise her.. but, think of your eldest. Prioritise their feelings first.
You don't need to be her best friend, just keep it business like and civil. All dealings for the kids through your ex husband and learn to detach.

No amount of hate will change what's happened.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2024 22:00

It’s ironic that you’re posting elsewhere about how difficult it is for you because your “stepchildren” / boyfriend’s children dislike you because their mum has made her dislike of you and their dad (who cheated on their mum) clear to them

I mean, that does all take the piss a bit don’t you think?

Is this a creative writing exercise of some sort?

If not, by all means be a massive hypocrite but own it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/03/2024 22:13

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2024 22:00

I mean, that does all take the piss a bit don’t you think?

Is this a creative writing exercise of some sort?

If not, by all means be a massive hypocrite but own it.

In fairness it’s not clear whether the OP was the person her boyfriend had an affair with - just that his children found out that he had one and it all seems to be a similar situation with the way his ex is influencing her children’s feeling towards their dad and his new partner as the OP is with hers.

BM1989 · 04/03/2024 22:14

I was OW and the childs mum did her best to slag me off and call me even though i treat her children like my own. Then one day she turned up, actually threw her daughter out of car and hasn't been back for her since. I have not said one bad word about her mum for doing this. Just carried on as normal made sure she is looked after and feeling settled etc.

JJathome · 04/03/2024 22:21

I think 9 years is a long time op to be still at this level of hate and anger. For your sake, it cannot be healthy. And he did you worse. I’m struggling to see how you detest her but not him.

have you been able to move on at all, do you have a partner?

Kelly51 · 04/03/2024 22:22

I detest her (OW) and think I always will for her part in the affair.
My children have been aware of this over the years as I can't pretend I like her. My ex is now blaming me for his troubled relationship with our eldest
This is pretty awful behaviour from you, primary age kids should not be subject to this, it's parental alienation.
My DPs ex behaved like this, slagged us both to death and now relations with his eldest are very difficult, as she's been brain washed.

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 04/03/2024 22:44

I'm not the OW and I have never been and I never plan on it!

My children have grown up with constant lies from their father and I've been the one to pick up the pieces. They are now old enough (well my oldest) to know that his Dad had an affair and a new family. He is an intelligent child who can do the maths and work out the time frame!

I've always supported their relationship with their father. I have sacrificed many many things over the years to facilitate him for the sake of our children when it's been clear they have not been his priority.

I've always been very civil with the OW but I don't like her. Is that really that awful?

Yes I've moved on. Difficult when I see her in the playground everyday but I now pity her for being with him. Anyone that wants to be with a man who can cheat on their pregnant wife are welcome to them, I think they are a special breed of "man".

OP posts:

Elektra1 · 06/03/2024 10:31

I was recently left for OW too, and I loathe the OW. DC is little. I don't bring up the OW I'm conversation with DC much but if she's mentioned, I show an interest in what they've done together and talk positively about how nice that was for DC.

I don't think children should ever hear about affairs from their parents. They work it out for themselves when they're old enough. Even then I think it is better for them for the "abandoned" parent to say the marriage ended because we had problems (not because of OW). Their other parent is their other parent, however badly they behaved in leaving the marriage. It's very confusing for them to love both parents but know that one is supposed to be the "bad" one.

To quote Oscar Wilde "Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."

Original poster

redvelvet77 · 06/03/2024 11:09

@Elektra1 I totally get you but my child is angry his Dad left him and started a new family within a year.

It's been years of let downs, false promises, lies and the trust has gone. I can't protect them from all that, it's just impossible.

My child sees the OW as if she hadn't of done what she'd done potentially our family would still be together. He sees his Dad in that light too.

I wish they didn't know what they do but like you say they work it out for themselves and sadly that's what has now happened.

OP posts:

JJathome · 06/03/2024 11:09

Op, honestly you don’t come across like you’ve moved on. You come across like you’re caught in a cycle of hate, anger and bitterness towards her a decade later, and that is so damaging for you.

my friends mum was like this, she never ever got over it, she was in her eighties when she passed away, and ir was the saddest thing, that so much of her adult life was in this cycle.

moving on, is being able to accept the past, no longer allow it to have control over you. You never have to like her, but accepting that it’s been a decade, your relationship was always going to end, be it her or someone else, and living a peaceful happy life where hatred has no part is the best for you and your children.

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