The OW

[redvelvet77]

My children's father had an affair 9 years ago when my children were v small (youngest not even born). He is still with the OW and they have a new family.

I detest her (OW) and think I always will for her part in the affair.

My children have been aware of this over the years as I can't pretend I like her. My ex is now blaming me for his troubled relationship with our eldest. He says my views on his GF (OW) should be made aware to our children but I on the other hand am entitled to my own view and haven't been able to hide it. I don't go out my way to do or say anything but on the occasions we've bumped into her clearly I've not been overly friendly.

I am now thinking I need to have a different approach to help my children. Although difficult as after they fell out last year both my children heard all their rows so clearly can form their own opinion of her.

Anyone else in a similar situation with the OW and can offer some advice?

I don’t think anyone can expect you to be more than civil to either her or your ex.
You can tell the kids explicitly that you will never be friends with either of them but you will always make a point of treating them with respect and good grace because they are important people in your children’s lives. And crucially, they are allowed to have their own feelings towards their dad and his partner and you don’t want them to ever feel like they can’t enjoy their time at their father’s house because of what happened between the adults in the past. If they are old enough to have worked out their was an affair etc, then they are old enough for you to give them explicit permission to separate there own relationships with their dad and his new family from their relationship with you.

This reads like somewhat sloping shoulders to me. There's your ex's bad behaviour, and then there's how you speak about that with your kids. It's highly unlikely that your oldest has just independently formed the view that OW is to blame for the end of his family unit - you've admitted yourself that he knows you hate OW.

Marriages end and although affairs are awful, few people just have an affair. It happens because they're dissatisfied with something in the marriage and that takes contributions from both people in the marriage. It's easy to blame the OW, harder to accept your own role in the marriage being eroded to the point where ex had an affair. I speak as someone who has also been left for someone else.

Your posts read as though your view is that it's all ex's fault that your oldest doesn't like him, because he had the affair, had another baby, etc. Those things can't be undone now. Are you happy for your child to have a bad relationship with his father forever because of mistakes his father has made? Or could you help to improve that situation by adjusting your behaviour/what you say?

Kindly you really need to let this go.
Realistically if it wasn't this woman, it would have been someone else. It's your ex that's the cheat and person who ended your relationship.
Your children are picking up on your hostility and it will be making it harder for them to feel allowed to get on with their Stepmum. She's not just Dads gf but is a significant part of your kids lives too. It's not enough just to be civil - it's hurting your children.
Rubbish that you have to see her/them so frequently - that must make it much harder. I suspect getting beyond the daily reminders in the school play ground will be better for you.

My child sees the OW as if she hadn't of done what she'd done potentially our family would still be together.
This is a pointless line of thought, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. If your DC were very young when you split there was no need for them to know about an affair. You've tainted their opinion of them with your bitterness.

I was in a similar situation when my husband cheated on me and is still with the OW 10 years on. I have not met her but I know she is kind to my children.

it took and takes a lot to bury the feelings but it is honestly the best thing we have done. The impact to our children if us splitting has been minimal and we are all able to co exist; it sounds preachy and I don’t mean it to but it is one of the things I am most proud of in my life, as it hasn’t been easy.

i heard a thing just the other day that I think is perfect-you should love your kids more than you hate her (or him)

Children generally just accept how things are and move on so you obviously did make sure they knew daddy hadn't been bad etc. This wasn't fair on your kids at all. You should have put them first but you didn't. Yes their DD is a dick but he's not the important one here. You didn't start these events but perhaps for the sake of your kids you could have done things differently. Be the bigger person for your kids, hopefully it's not too late.

@Whatevershallidowithmylife my teenager has had years of his Dad being a bad Dad, I can't protect him from all the let downs, lies, false hopes, etc etc. Even last week his dad sent a message in a joint chat bad mouthing me that our child could read as he's in the group. How can I protect him from that? Teenagers have v strong views!

If they have children together and a new “family” yes she is their stepmum. Just because they aren’t married doesn’t change anything. she has been in their life for many years, lives with your ex full time and they have children together who are your children’s siblings. so yes she is their step mum.

Nope. Step parent comes from marriage.

It’s an important distinction legally.

Posted too soon.

Step parent can apply for PR.

Dad’s girlfriend can’t.

Your child feels the way he does because they see you detest her though. He only needs to "work out" timelines etc because he has a mother who hadn't moved on or let go of her anger. He is, simply put, mirroring his mum and behaving how he thinks you want him to behave. If you acted as though you weren't bothered at all then so would he.

@Spirallingdownwards I'm not bothered about his Dad and I have moved on. The fact I don't go out my way to like his girlfriend is not part of our day to day life. Me not liking the OW has no impact on his relationship with his dad. He apparently cheated on her last year and our children witnessed and heard all the fall out. That is nothing to do with me but my children are exposed to his behaviour I can't shield them from.

So why is your vitriole and post about the OW?

You have apparently moved on from Dad but harbour so much resentment towards her.

Your son does pick up on this. If he has cheated on her (and I suspect you were delighted by this) why have you starred a thread about her rather than a thread saying I am worried my son can't get past the fact my ex left me and started a new family without even mentioning her at all?

And I suspect if everything had moved on fine your son wouldn't feel this anger but does so because you exhibit similar traits. Its just you blame her and your son blames his dad (who was also to blame of not more so but you have forgiven him).

Your feelings are not your children's responsibility. It's really unfair of you to expect them to mirror your feelings, causes a lot of pressure, take it from someone with experience of similar family dynamics.

It's very manipulative behaviour.

I'm going to close this post as obvious the majority think I'm to blame for my children's relationship with their father.

Laughable really after I'm the one who has picked up the pieces from the mess he left behind.

But thank you x

Don't justify yourself OP. I your thoughts and feelings are completely valid.

Surprise
sonyiure going to close it down because you didn’t get the validation that you want when actually YOU are equally to blame for your children’s thoughts and behaviours and YOU are harbouring all these feelings towards their dad that will do pick up on

still, no one will convince you so carry on

That is nothing to do with me but my children are exposed to his behaviour I can't shield them from
you could have shielded them from yours.

You’ve namedm this thread the other woman so it’s obvious she is the thing you’re bothered about otherwise you would have had the title about being worried about your son.

cheating is awful but you need to separate your feelings about your relationship with your ex as a husband and wife and think about your sons relationship with your ex as father and son.

you shouldn’t be saying anything in front of your children negatively about your ex or his new partner. And definitely shouldn’t have let them know he cheated, that’s something for them to learn when they’re older.

but I feel the ship has probably sailed to change any of this.

It's definitely valid to feel that your ex's poor behaviour and regular let-downs have affected your older son. That's really shit. Children do form their own views as they get older. I'd encourage you to leave it there - if DS feels let down by his dad, that's on his dad. But anything that gets close to any of the DC knowing that YOU feel let down by their dad isn't ok really. You don't need to. Sounds like he's doing it all by himself.

Fhey were babies, one not even born, so they neither knew or understood at the time, their feelings now can only habe come from the op.

its a decade later, she’s still not moved on, the anger and resentment is palpable. But it’s her children who are suffering.

I'm in a similar situation though the OW in my case was my best friend. It all came out very publicly and the kids were aware and did see me upset on occasion. Over the years I have just told them they must be polite to the woman and if they like her that's fine-but I will probably never be that fond of her. It would be silly of me to pretend as they can clearly work it out themselves that it's not an ideal situation.

Over the years they have spent time with her at their dad's request.They don't especially like her, they say mostly because of the way their dad acts around her and they way she talks to him. But I'm sure some of it is some sort of loyalty to me. Exh has placed the blame for it at my door but tbh I did the best I could to shield them from how I felt about it and I don't feel bad about reacting like any human being would to a situation that Exh and friend created.

Wowsers
It's @redvelvet77 fault that her vain husband ran off with a grasping woman while she was pregnant. And now it's redvelvet's fault this scumbag's children can't be bothered with him. What planet do you lot live on?

What amazes me, is the strength of character that wronged women display in swallowing their own betrayal and humiliation in order to maintain a relationship between the children and their father.

As PP pointed out, your boyfriends child doesn't like you, and you have all this nonsense around your own kids and ex and his girlfriend and her kid. Exhausting. Can you not just forget blokes entirely at least until your kids are raised? They've been through enough, and it's not going well for you, just stop bothering with men. This will resolve your boyfriends kid not liking you, and your kids not getting dragged into feuds.
You can communicate via a parenting app with your ex.

Daddy went out shagging, left family
Teenager knows it
Teenager cross with daddy
Boo hoo for this cheater