The OW

[redvelvet77]

My children's father had an affair 9 years ago when my children were v small (youngest not even born). He is still with the OW and they have a new family.

I detest her (OW) and think I always will for her part in the affair.

My children have been aware of this over the years as I can't pretend I like her. My ex is now blaming me for his troubled relationship with our eldest. He says my views on his GF (OW) should be made aware to our children but I on the other hand am entitled to my own view and haven't been able to hide it. I don't go out my way to do or say anything but on the occasions we've bumped into her clearly I've not been overly friendly.

I am now thinking I need to have a different approach to help my children. Although difficult as after they fell out last year both my children heard all their rows so clearly can form their own opinion of her.

Anyone else in a similar situation with the OW and can offer some advice?

My husband parents split up when he was 5 due to his Dad having an affair, he has stayed with the OW.

His mum 45 years later is still bitter, won’t refer to his Dad partner by name (lots of other names !)

My husband has gone through all the emotions. His Dad letting him down the introduction of a new half sister within a year of his parents separation. As a teenager pushed Dad away. Up and down emotionally.

As an adult he can be disappointed with his Dads choices. He can also be upset with his Mum behaviour- she made everything a little harder by ensuring every one knew ‘quietly’ the dislike of the OW. It meant his childhood he couldnt speak about weekends, holidays or activities without his Mum pulling the face - she might not have said anything but didn’t have too. And to an 10 year old he thought he was hurting his Mum so pushed his Dad away.

It got messy. But as an adult realise and say his Dad was very wrong to have an affair but also realises his parents would have separated anyway as his parents relationship wasn’t a happy one. Even if his Mum makes out it was.

He now has a very healthy relationship with his Dad but not his mum. Her bitterness has boiled over and is not healthy to be around.

Oh FFS. So as women we are expected to accept the bad behaviour of a man and the betrayal of another woman with a pleasant smile and refer to some random blow- in as our child's stepmother. It's not enough to keep a dignified distance. We have to swallow our feelings and pretend. I can't imagine a man being content to do this if the boot were on the other foot. Of course you are allowed your feelings OP - just do your best to stay silent and neutral. Your ex can do the heavy lifting around building his relationship with this children. Frankly those posters suggesting that you do the work and all the pretending have most likely never had the hideous experience of being treated so appallingly. As for the OW being a 'step mother', my own delightful OW at least had the good sense to not even go there because I imagine my nuclear explosion would have been a sight to behold.

@JJathome

its a decade later, she’s still not moved on, the anger and resentment is palpable. But it’s her children who are suffering.

If someone slapped you about, bullied you, stole from you, spread rumours about you or trashed your home a decade ago would you be friendly towards them now? None of those things are as bad as someone being active in breaking up your family.

I wouldn't. I'd be wary and keep a very concerted distance. I would not ever like them. I wouldn't go out if my way to torment them but I wouldn't be friendly towards them.

Bit weird that you would

Putting my head above the parapet here but I was the OW in this situation. The ex-wife clearly hates me as is her right to do so, and my step-children are also aware of this as she has told them. It hasn't affected our relationship in any way or with their father, but at times they have quite a strained relationship with their mum because she tends to make life difficult as they are her only 'weapon' for want of a better word, and she's prevented them or their dad from doing stuff because of her feelings, not theirs.

I don't expect her to like me or pretend to her children that she does but I do think that it's unfair for her to effectively 'punish' the SC for what me and DH did, through her actions now (which I realise come from a place of anger, hurt, betrayal etc) As they've got older, it's been the opposite of what I've seen mentioned on here - that they'll realise the truth about their dad, make their own decisions - it's actually their mum they are pulling away from because they have to walk on eggshells around her a lot of the time and they are so scared of showing excitement or enthusiasm about something because she'll get angry about it.

I think as long as you don't go to that extreme OP, it's perfectly acceptable for your children to know that you don't like the OW.

I think maybe you’ve quoted the wrong poster? I never said she should be friendly and the sentence you quoted has nothing to do with your response. You can get it deleted and start again with the right quote to whomever said they should be friendly.

THEY DONT. I know from experience. I didn't as a child. My mum said nice things about my SM and I hated her. My DF knew his wife treated me like I was an inconvenience to her new family she had with my dad. I seen her as the reason mine was broken. I was 5. This continued well into my teens until he left her.

My dad did exactly this. My mum left him for his best friend. I can't imagine it was easy for him but he never once betrayed his feelings about it to us. After a year or so he met his new partner, who he's now been married to for three times as long as he was married to my mum. He is lovingly caring for her through dementia.

My dad doesn't have it in him to say unkind words in front of us. We're all middle aged ourselves now and he still doesn't do it, because he sees it as his job to protect our feelings. My dad is my absolute role model in how to show love and care.

@JJathome

No i posted to you. You said

its a decade later, she’s still not moved on, the anger and resentment is palpable. But it’s her children who are suffering.

I don't think it's not moving on to not like someone years later just as in all the other scenarios I suggested

You're not to blame, and I hope you and your kids are well. Sounds like you live near your exh. I hope you can put more distance between you and his family.
As for kids, they are not stupid, they can do maths (I know of a man, as a child he met his half sibling, realised they are same age...). Also teens often feel distain towards best of parents, let alone a shitty dad that can't keep it in his pants.

Careful here. You might find the tables turn against you. They have against my DP’s ex who has bad mouthed me to her children for almost 20 years. I was not the OW but it suited her to tell everyone (including the children) that I was. My DSC’s are in their 20s now, they have homes and jobs and partners. I have a good relationship with each of them. Sadly, they don’t have a good relationship with their Mum partly (but not entirely) because of the stress she put them under because of bow much she hates me and the impact that had on them developing a relationship with their dad. Who they now have a good relationship with.
So my advice is (for their sakes) be the grown up. Put your feelings to one side and prioritise your children’s. They deserve a relationship with their dad and his new family. They deserve to feel free to move between two homes without any emotional baggage. Be the better person. Form a relationship with the OW - you don’t have to like her or be her friend but she may well be there for the rest of your life - weddings, graduations, grandchildren etc etc
Stop hurting your children. Talk to a professional about how you manage your hatred for this woman who is part of your children’s life.