Husband has met someone else

[AnnaP81]

So this evening, my husband told me he’s ‘met’ someone else. We’ve been married 15 years this year. 2 children (11&9).

Our relationship hasn’t been great for a couple of years. He struggles with his mental health, there have been numerous gaps in our household (both work but I do majority of household/mental load). I know I’ve let resentment build in this time and haven’t fully communicated it as he can get quite defensive when asked to share the load and can then have a spell where he doesn’t get out of bed for a couple of days so I end up doing it all myself anyway. I’ve found it tough feeling I can’t be ill/break down as I can’t rely on him to pick up the load.

This time last year, as a household, we were bringing in £110k so quite a comfortable lifestyle although we live in the south east and have a large mortgage. In September he had a major breakdown (apparently due to work stress) was signed off sick for 4 months and started a new job 6 weeks ago with a 50% pay cut. During this time I’ve had the stress of working, juggling the finances whilst he was off sick and dealing with the children whilst he focused on exercising, meditation and reading to help him recover. Apart from my family, only a couple of other people have asked me if I’m ok.

This evening, he’s told me he’s met someone else. Someone he’s been friends with for a while (mainly online) but feelings have developed over the past few weeks. He said he was out with her last night (he told me he was having a uni mate reunion), they’ve kissed but not had sex.

I was shocked and didn’t ask loads of questions as couldn’t quite get my head round it all. I know things haven’t been great between us but I think I’m burnt out and haven’t had the mental capacity to tackle that as a priority amongst everything else that has been going on. Separating would break my kids hearts and we’d have to sell our house and downsize and I’m not even sure either of us would be able to buy our own houses given the cost of houses here.

In our chat, he did say that this other woman lives 3hrs away so it’s not like he’s planning on moving in with her (she is divorced and has a young child too).He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys but I really don’t think I could do that. I feel like he wants his housemaid (me) here to run the household, support him financially (now that he’s taken a 50% paycut) whilst he has a long distance with occasional meet up affair.

I need to speak to him tomorrow but don’t know what I should be asking him. I don’t know if this is all associated with his breakdown. If we do separate, I’m now the higher earner (since he’s given up his professional career) and have local family support so will be best placed to set up with the kids. I do worry though, that if we separate and this new relationship breaks down, he’ll spiral downwards again (he has mentioned suicide in the past).

I plan on talking to my sister tomorrow but can’t face telling my parents yet. Don’t know whether I should be pretending all is ok for a while and see how things pan out over the next few weeks. Don’t know whether I should be fighting and say we should have counselling to see if we can get back on track or if we’ve passed the point of no return. Don’t know whether I should agree to remain in the household for the kids and financial stability. Or whether I should demand a divorce, sell the house, split the assets and start again, knowing that we’d both struggle to buy a house on a single income and our kids lifestyles would be dramatically changed.

I’m not planning on making a rash decision. He said I could go away and have some space or he would go for a few days if I wanted him to. It’s half term here so the kids would ask questions if one of us wasn’t around.

Any advice on next steps?

that still doesn't change that he neglected his children, his wife, his job, and everything else does it? And didn't actually pursue any help with it. Let's try this another way.
I don't believe he had a breakdown. You believe it if you want.

Sorry OP.

What a twat. She will soon get rid when she realises what a baby he is and then he’ll be all alone possibly come crawling back…

Sending a hug! I can’t reply to these posts as brings back tough memories. Be strong and prioritise yourself and the children. Most of what he says will probably be lies.

I am so sorry but I’m glad you are all ok now xx

As many have said he’s definitely of the have his cake and eat it variety.
And many, many husbands threaten suicide to keep their wife bound to them—- you’re his meal ticket. I recognise a lot of what you say ( including the suicide that never happened) as I was also that meal ticket.
Your children will survive. Be calm, mummy and daddy bath love you, will always love you, we’re not going to live in the same house together any more. You’ll always see dad etc… ( I’m sure he’s prepared to do 50/50 childcare while paying his own way in life )
I’m sure this isn’t what you planned but a man who can just imagine he can have an affair while still living off you isn’t worth having.

Op - one thing to remember with his mental health - it might improve if you separate. Perhaps both of you will be happier.

he has chosen to cheat - he has to deal with the consequences.

Don't live a lie just so your child can do Sats - there will always be something - life carries on. your children may well be much happier if you are happier - children deal with family break up it's the relationship between the parents amicable or not that affects them.

I don’t believe you can do a mental health assessment or a marriage evaluation after reading 250 words, especially when one of those is third party . Change my mind.

That's a bit of a stretch. OP didn't say he had an affair bc of his mental illness, just that both things have occurred.

Exactly. You can't.

He is an adult with a brain, clearly thought it through. His mental health his responsibility since he is wanting to move on.
Be wary of over compromise which could muddle you up

All I have to say here is that you are not responsible for his wellbeing, not physical, mental or emotional. If he chooses to commit suicide then he'll do it regardless of what you do. Mental illness is about the mind being disturbed. You have not disturbed his mind, you havebeen a bloody saint.

Throw him out. You and the kids should stay in the house

What a cretin, you’ve been holding things together whilst he does this. 🤮

Btw the suicide threat is an extremely foolish thing for anyone to do; the kind of thing that means you don't see your children unsupervised for quite a while.

People who throw threats like that around are more often controlling than experiencing a mental health crisis. Call the police if it happens to you and courts aren't stupid. They will look carefully at anyone who claims a suicide risk.

How is it that he’s that unwell he was still able to go out with his new fancy piece?

OP you can do better than this, for you and for your kids. Cut ties now and move onwards and upwards.

You can't see it now, but this man is an anchor dragging you down until you eventually drown. The sooner you cut him off the better.

As of now, you are separate. You both need to contribute 50% to the mortgage, bills and childcare etc, but you save up what's left over from your income; you'll need this for solicitors bills.

You no longer cook for him, clean for him or do his washing and you certainly don't sleep with him.

Get an appointment with a family solicitor ASAP and get the divorce papers served.

If you have anything in writing about his suicidal thoughts then show them to your solicitor with the aim of you getting sole custody of the children. Too many men take their children with them when they kill themselves for him to be trusted.

If you're their primary parent, you're likely to get more equity in the house etc and be more likely to be able to afford a family home.

The sooner you start this process, the sooner your life can begin. This sounds harsh and you are not going to want to do it, but honestly, this is what NEEDS to happen or he will drag you down with him.

You could suggest not sharing his pension and in return you keep more equity.

To be brutally honest, I wouldn't care about his mental health. He's had plenty of time and support from you, and instead of appreciating the sacrifices you're making for his benefit, he's engaging with another woman. And to top it all off, he graciously offers to allow you to keep making his life comfortable and convenient while he gets to enjoy an emotional/physical affair!

Your children will recover from a divorce. At this point, I don't know what choice you have, honestly. Living together while he has his affair isn't going to be good for the kids, either, and you can't make him fight for the relationship when he's actively pursuing something else. To tell the truth, I wouldn't believe him now if he did say he was sorry and wanted to fix things. He hasn't proven himself to be reliable.

As for worrying about his future mental health, that's on him. You're not—can't be—responsible for his actions or choices, now or in the future. Place all thought of him and his best interests aside: Now the focus is on you and your children. What's best for you? He can take care of himself, or not. Either way, it's not your problem.

Hi OP. Just writing to say I am sorry you are in this situation and after a few years it will get better.

I would have a day every month or fortnight blocked to spend with each of your children alone, and then one booked for yourself where you have no responsibilities at all and you can just focus on you. Be kind to yourself xxxx

Best of luck... it will be worth it in the end.

I suspect he’s hoping you’ll hang around keeping everything together while he goes off to explore if this new person will make him happier. But with the option of returning once (she dumps him) he realises the grass isn’t greener
Please remember he has actively gone out to seek this situation, he went looking, he commenced dialogue & he arranged/agreed to meet up. (Possibly more, but that’s what you know about) His decision, over many weeks, with zero thought for you or your children.

make it very clear to him that you are no one’s “back up” or second choice. He’s made his choice & now it’s time to make the split as easy on the children as possible.
Seek legal & financial advice. Get a financial order in place as a priority.
Make very clear boundaries, if for financial reasons you both stay in the house in the short term, be clear on what you are/are not prepared to do. Be clear on what he has to do to pull his weight.
Keep repeating that he has made this choice, he chose to go outside the marriage & that he must live with the consequences.

if he takes to his bed with the stress - leave him there, simply straighten your crown & carry on. if he is unable to drag himself out of bed to get himself food or water, call the crisis team. Your responsibility ends there. You owe him nothing.

You are clearly a strong person, continue to be a wonderful role model to your DC,
I wish you lots of love, luck & strength to navigate this next stage.

If you have an employee assistance programme at work see if you can get some free counselling. I had this in very similar circumstances and she really helped me to move to a decision. My decision was to move him out. The kids were upset at first but within a short time absolutely fine. I h completely get the unfairness of you having to 100 percent be the strong one and not being able to break down despite you being the one doing all the work AND having your own world destroyed under you through no fault of your own. But…. You can do it, you already are, and you and your kids will totally be happier for it. I would move to divorce fairly quickly (I didn’t) and argue for more of the house since your needs are greater - you have the kids more as he’s not capable. Also don’t undervalue his pension if you have given up yours for the childcare. If you don’t want to go for that offset it with more of the property.

@AlphariusOmegron I agree that he may need professional help, he can go to his doctor and organize it.
I’m not sure that the OP does (although she may want to talk it over with a counselor, that’s her decision), she’s holding everything together and she deserves better. Perhaps if he gets help, apologizes profusely and changes, she might reconsider the relationship. At this point though, if the OP were my daughter/sister/close friend and she asked for advice, I’d advise her to separate.

So his suggestion is that you continue living together with the kids and sharing bills and repaonsibilities. And then he'll fuck off to see his gf 3h away whenever he feels like it? And he thinks his wife and gf will just happily agree? There is no scenario where this will work.

Divorce babe, divorce.

Sorry to see things didn't work out for you.

Why are you persisting with the idea that a man who has shown himself to be a bone idle waster, for many years. Is suddenly going to transform into superdad and request equal childcare duties?

Even now he's taken an easier job, the OP still darent ask him to share the load because it will cause him to have a spell where he doesn’t get out of bed for a couple of days.

If my husband lied about where he was and admitted having feelings for another woman and indeed kissing her he could be having whatever mental health crisis he liked - he would still be getting a divorce . If he wants therapy and counselling he can do it on his own .