So this evening, my husband told me he’s ‘met’ someone else. We’ve been married 15 years this year. 2 children (11&9).
Our relationship hasn’t been great for a couple of years. He struggles with his mental health, there have been numerous gaps in our household (both work but I do majority of household/mental load). I know I’ve let resentment build in this time and haven’t fully communicated it as he can get quite defensive when asked to share the load and can then have a spell where he doesn’t get out of bed for a couple of days so I end up doing it all myself anyway. I’ve found it tough feeling I can’t be ill/break down as I can’t rely on him to pick up the load.
This time last year, as a household, we were bringing in £110k so quite a comfortable lifestyle although we live in the south east and have a large mortgage. In September he had a major breakdown (apparently due to work stress) was signed off sick for 4 months and started a new job 6 weeks ago with a 50% pay cut. During this time I’ve had the stress of working, juggling the finances whilst he was off sick and dealing with the children whilst he focused on exercising, meditation and reading to help him recover. Apart from my family, only a couple of other people have asked me if I’m ok.
This evening, he’s told me he’s met someone else. Someone he’s been friends with for a while (mainly online) but feelings have developed over the past few weeks. He said he was out with her last night (he told me he was having a uni mate reunion), they’ve kissed but not had sex.
I was shocked and didn’t ask loads of questions as couldn’t quite get my head round it all. I know things haven’t been great between us but I think I’m burnt out and haven’t had the mental capacity to tackle that as a priority amongst everything else that has been going on. Separating would break my kids hearts and we’d have to sell our house and downsize and I’m not even sure either of us would be able to buy our own houses given the cost of houses here.
In our chat, he did say that this other woman lives 3hrs away so it’s not like he’s planning on moving in with her (she is divorced and has a young child too).He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys but I really don’t think I could do that. I feel like he wants his housemaid (me) here to run the household, support him financially (now that he’s taken a 50% paycut) whilst he has a long distance with occasional meet up affair.
I need to speak to him tomorrow but don’t know what I should be asking him. I don’t know if this is all associated with his breakdown. If we do separate, I’m now the higher earner (since he’s given up his professional career) and have local family support so will be best placed to set up with the kids. I do worry though, that if we separate and this new relationship breaks down, he’ll spiral downwards again (he has mentioned suicide in the past).
I plan on talking to my sister tomorrow but can’t face telling my parents yet. Don’t know whether I should be pretending all is ok for a while and see how things pan out over the next few weeks. Don’t know whether I should be fighting and say we should have counselling to see if we can get back on track or if we’ve passed the point of no return. Don’t know whether I should agree to remain in the household for the kids and financial stability. Or whether I should demand a divorce, sell the house, split the assets and start again, knowing that we’d both struggle to buy a house on a single income and our kids lifestyles would be dramatically changed.
I’m not planning on making a rash decision. He said I could go away and have some space or he would go for a few days if I wanted him to. It’s half term here so the kids would ask questions if one of us wasn’t around.
Any advice on next steps?