Husband has met someone else

[AnnaP81]

So this evening, my husband told me he’s ‘met’ someone else. We’ve been married 15 years this year. 2 children (11&9).

Our relationship hasn’t been great for a couple of years. He struggles with his mental health, there have been numerous gaps in our household (both work but I do majority of household/mental load). I know I’ve let resentment build in this time and haven’t fully communicated it as he can get quite defensive when asked to share the load and can then have a spell where he doesn’t get out of bed for a couple of days so I end up doing it all myself anyway. I’ve found it tough feeling I can’t be ill/break down as I can’t rely on him to pick up the load.

This time last year, as a household, we were bringing in £110k so quite a comfortable lifestyle although we live in the south east and have a large mortgage. In September he had a major breakdown (apparently due to work stress) was signed off sick for 4 months and started a new job 6 weeks ago with a 50% pay cut. During this time I’ve had the stress of working, juggling the finances whilst he was off sick and dealing with the children whilst he focused on exercising, meditation and reading to help him recover. Apart from my family, only a couple of other people have asked me if I’m ok.

This evening, he’s told me he’s met someone else. Someone he’s been friends with for a while (mainly online) but feelings have developed over the past few weeks. He said he was out with her last night (he told me he was having a uni mate reunion), they’ve kissed but not had sex.

I was shocked and didn’t ask loads of questions as couldn’t quite get my head round it all. I know things haven’t been great between us but I think I’m burnt out and haven’t had the mental capacity to tackle that as a priority amongst everything else that has been going on. Separating would break my kids hearts and we’d have to sell our house and downsize and I’m not even sure either of us would be able to buy our own houses given the cost of houses here.

In our chat, he did say that this other woman lives 3hrs away so it’s not like he’s planning on moving in with her (she is divorced and has a young child too).He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys but I really don’t think I could do that. I feel like he wants his housemaid (me) here to run the household, support him financially (now that he’s taken a 50% paycut) whilst he has a long distance with occasional meet up affair.

I need to speak to him tomorrow but don’t know what I should be asking him. I don’t know if this is all associated with his breakdown. If we do separate, I’m now the higher earner (since he’s given up his professional career) and have local family support so will be best placed to set up with the kids. I do worry though, that if we separate and this new relationship breaks down, he’ll spiral downwards again (he has mentioned suicide in the past).

I plan on talking to my sister tomorrow but can’t face telling my parents yet. Don’t know whether I should be pretending all is ok for a while and see how things pan out over the next few weeks. Don’t know whether I should be fighting and say we should have counselling to see if we can get back on track or if we’ve passed the point of no return. Don’t know whether I should agree to remain in the household for the kids and financial stability. Or whether I should demand a divorce, sell the house, split the assets and start again, knowing that we’d both struggle to buy a house on a single income and our kids lifestyles would be dramatically changed.

I’m not planning on making a rash decision. He said I could go away and have some space or he would go for a few days if I wanted him to. It’s half term here so the kids would ask questions if one of us wasn’t around.

Any advice on next steps?

In a nut shell he wants you to rush around cooking, cleaning, being the default parent and do all the housework and carry the mental load. He wants to fuck about with the ow and do fuck all with regards to the grunt work if raising a family.
He is prepping you op.
It us kart if the script.
He will not suddenly step up to the plate and pull his weight.
Whether you tolerate this situation us up to you.
However he will not change.
Whether you start making plans to separate now or in 10 years time, the outcome will be the same.

I can tell you that life without this prince among men will be brighter and happier in the long run …

There is nothing left to hang on to and now he wants his cake and to eat it .. he wants you playing chief cook and bottle washer while he has an affair .. I think not !

Interestingly my ex h did the same .. cited depression for years .. claimed he was having a breakdown yet bizarrely had the mental energy to keep a fairly intense affair going .. it’s one of the excuses commonly used in the handbook for cheating feckwits ..
let him go ..and while he’s gone get your ducks in a row .. make a solicitors appointment.. get the house valued etc and start planning a life without this lazy cheating loser

Suicide isn't your problem, you can't control another person, call 999 if he threatens that, not your responsibility.

1. Find a solicitor who deals in divorce/family matters.
2. Get details of all assets listed.
3. Tell him you want a divorce..... and that he's moving out.
4. Tell kids and family.
5. Good luck and remember, you need to look after yourself and the kids not him.
6. I was gaslit by a 'partner' like this and as a childless woman aged 30 lost my home, assets and almost everything including my mind. Do not weaken. There's time for that after you've protected yourself.

Cynic here too!! If the dc are in childcare and he does none of the pickup/drops can he still claim this?

You can't see the wood for the trees, because you're right in the middle of this situation. But fuck me, as an outsider, with crystal clear observation, I sat down with my breakfast this morning to read this, and could feel my blood boiling for you. The fucking absolute injustice!

YOU :

Contribute more money to the household pot

Carry the mental load for the household (appointments, kids clubs, homework etc)

Do most of the grunt work and house work

Can never be ill or tired, because there is no time for you to do that, due to his shirking of responsibility

Are raising your shared children alone

HE :

Refuses to share the load

Stays in bed for days on end

Took 4 months off work !!

Puts himself first, always

Spends his days exercising, meditating, reading and chatting up other women on-line

Is happy to see you run ragged, whilst he naval gazes

Threatens suicide if you ask too much of him - designed to keep you doing everything of course, because he is seemingly so fragile, that if you asked him to put the bins out, he might just throw himself into the garbage truck. So of course, my lovely, you carry on working, working, working, whilst he has some lovely chill time.

Isn't it baffling how he wasn't too poorly to make profiles on dating websites and contact other women, when you were in the next room caring for his children, or cooking his dinner. Can't make the family a meal, but can chat with other women? Funny that. What a tosser!

WAKE UP PLEASE WAKE UP

He is treating you APPALINGLY. Even without the cheating, which is fucking dreadful when you've been carrying him, this man is no prize. He's not an equal partner for you, he's not a great and strong husband who is your advocate and best friend. He brings zero to the table.

Oh, and he wants to stay in the family home, having you support him, whilst he fucks other women. HA HA HA HA HA. Are you sure he isn't on crack? Cheeky cheeky fucker!

Get rid of him. I promise you, that in 10 years you will be with someone far better, and you will look back on this with absolute horror. I say that as someone who left a long term husband when my children were also 11 & 9. For different reasons - he was a serial cheat. I remember being in the fog and not being able to think clearly, it's hard. Speak to your sister. You can do this. You deserve SO much better!

Oh and I should have said : I did go on to meet a better man. Been married to him for a long time now. He is 100 times better than first H. I look back now and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. Find your anger.

My initial reaction is to LTB as he's used you to support him mentally and financially and now has conveniently met someone else but wants to continue like nothing has happened whilst he continues his affair. However, I know it's not as easy as that and you don't have to make any decisions yet.

I would suggest therapy for you alone to work through it, get legal advice and all your financial etc stuff in order in the meantime. That will just mean you are prepared should you decide to leave.

^ this

My word, he’s a cheeky fucker isn’t he? The lazy, work shy bastard takes to his bed if you dare to ask him to, you know, be an adult, then tells you he’s met someone else but wants you to stay together?
Does he REALLY think you will say “oh yes dear husband, I’d be honoured to continuing acting as your servant whilst you toddle off and shag someone else, whenever you feel like it”???
He is a deluded arsehole. The ONLY option you have now is to grey rock him. Stop doing ANYTHING for him, anything at all. Insist that he picks up 50% of what needs doing around the house, because, let’s be fair, if he’s well enough to chat up some woman on line, and go and meet her, he’s well enough to run the hoover round!
Make immediate plans to divorce because there is nothing here worth saving, other than your sanity. I can guarantee that in the long run, you and the dc will be far better off and far happier. I can also guarantee that he will realise what a cushy number he actually had and come slithering back. “Fuck off you revolting, entitled, spoiled man child” will be the only suitable response when he does.

He’s gifting you a get out of jail fee card. Take it OP.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Lots of great advice from other posters.
But what I also want to hammer home is, if he starts playing the MH card, and talking about harming himself - that is on HIM and HIS ACTIONS. NOT about your reaction to the situation. He might try and convince you that the guilt is so awful he is feeling worse, but he was so ill that he checked out of family life but then managed to fo something he knew was wrong - if he found the strength for that when he was (supposedly) so I'll, then he will find the strength to get through the consequences of his actions.
And I actually hesitate to call them consequences, as that makes it sound like something you are doing to him - when actually it's just a continuation of his own actions, as he knew full well what was possible when he started the affair.
The disrespect to you, of you carrying the load out of love for him and your children and him using that time to start an affair? Unfathomable.

Sorry to read this OP.

This has been really tough on you through the years, but what it has shown you is that you can manage on your own.

I feel you have been totally used here and it seems he is quite happy to have you continue to do this whilst he finds love elsewhere.

Do you want to carry on the way you are but with him carrying on with someone else?

You have given love and support and done more that your share of everything to try and help him and he returns your support and kindness with this.

I would definitely tell my close friends and family as I think they will give you real life support and probably their shock will help you realise that it’s not on what he has done.

You deserve more than this.

Kick him into touch.

I am very cynical and I think it’s very convenient for him that he’s deliberately reduced his salary at this time .

That was my thinking too. Suspect this affair has been going on for longer than you know OP.

So sorry for you but start thinking of you and your kids only. He can get to fuck.

they’ve kissed but not had sex.

Oh and I definitely would NOT believe this either. Men don't implode their marriages for a kiss. Almost certainly there's been more. Sorry.

Time to kick him out and start a new life!

Chuck him out. Even if you’re foolish enough to want to keep him, that will only happen if he really and truly faces what the loss would be like without you.

Tell him it’s a relief really - he hasn’t been much of a husband in fact not having him around will result in significantly less work for you.

He should go now. I’m sure his lady love will be thrilled to
look after him and his delicate ickle emotions. Bag up his stuff, shoo him out of the door and wish him well. Your solicitor will be in touch regarding maintenance etc.

You deserve much more than this. Keep your dignity intact and find a lawyer.

It's early days. I'd keep it between the two of you intil you make a plan of action, or inaction. I would seek counselling before you disrupt the world of your children.
Allow more time to be certain about your feelings.
How absolutely terrible for you.

Your husband seems ungrateful - to be so low as to have needed help with all things domestic yet has time and energy for a romance. Are you sure he is thinking straight?

Aw bless him
he thinks you will be his housewife & look after him and keep on paying his bill
he can fuck the other woman

😂😂😂
Im not sure about his mental health
but he is fucking mental to even think that you will consider this - and you would be as well if you did

he’s a prick - very few blokes leave for another woman unless he’s already fucked her .

This guy is going to fuck with your mental health and well being of you let him

Tell him to fuck off to his new love. She can deal with his depression and skanky ass when he’s in bed for days feeling sad & sorry for himself :

and if he says he’s going to to kill himself - tell that’s fine dear - I must remember to up the life insurance 😂

threat of suicide is a way of controlling you
so let him threaten away .

You sound really lovely and very dedicated. But you have to accept you are not responsible for him. Let him go so you can heal and find a path in life where you are happy again.

He needs to clear off for a few days, not you. He’s a manipulative prick, the mental health, defensive when challenged, taking to his bed for days, leaving everything domestic to you, taking a 50% drop in wages and expecting to stay in the family home with you bankrolling him and now there’s another woman.!
Tell him to grow up, if he wants that lifestyle and the other woman then
he does it elsewhere and he pays for it.
Go and see a solicitor and give him a dose of reality.

He is basically saying he wants you to keep facades, lie to kids and others what he is doing, so he can go away, shag someone, comes home, you wash his dirty pants and pay him for a good lifestyle on top of this. Do you really want to do this for anyone on planet earth?!!!!

Absolutely!

What a twat - I would start with booking an appointment with a solicitor specialising in divorce to get proper legal advice about how best to proceed in a way that will be most advantageous financially to you. But no way would I be going along with his little plan to have his cake and eat it too.

Try not to feel guilty about breaking up the family home, not talking to your parents about it yet or anything else. This is all on him. You are in most likely in a state of shock at finding out you couldn't trust the person you should have been able to trust completely.

Sorry to hear this

No man implodes a cushty marriage for a kiss

No way no how - it's been going on a lot longer than he's said & has been using your willingness to pick up the household load to sneak around behind your back 🐍

PP has the right idea - gather all the evidence that you have been bankrolling the household and fight for way more than 50:50

I agree with others this 50% pay cut is very convenient. You need to be cleverer than him. Much cleverer. He thinks he's three steps ahead. Time to disabuse him of this notion.