How to tell if a marriage is over

[NiquiD]

We have been married for 26 years and have two children (18&20). We married the year I turned 20 and have literally grown up as a married couple. I’ve never lived alone and never had an affair. We’ve had issues for years and had counselling ages ago which seemed to help at the time but there have been changes more recently. We seem on different life paths. He wants us to live on his parents farm (once they have passed away, they are mid 80’’s) and farm it. I do not want to. I’m undertaking a degree so I can do a job I love until retirement and also be financially independent. Our home is in a state of disrepair because he spends all his time and a lot of money farming (whilst working full time) and I don’t feel he is being fair when he prioritises the farming above our home, kids and me. I do not want to live my life being dictated to by livestock and crops, I saw how his parents lives were: never having holidays together, the lambing in all weathers, the harvesting meaning summers were all about the crops, and just farming life is not for me. This, along with some very questionable financial decisions he’s made without consulting me has left me feeling angry and resentful. He’s not a bad man but he doesn’t take care of his physical appearance, he’s quite boring and not intellectually stimulating for me. I no longer find him sexually attractive and ‘give in’ to once a week intercourse because the arguments we have when he feels deprived is just too much which just makes me dislike him even more. I have tried explaining how this all makes me feel and he would promise changes but they’re short lived and I can’t go round in circles any more so I’ve given up trying but he just takes that as I’m obviously happy because I’m not ‘nagging’ anymore. But I’m just tired of nothing ever changing. I am desperately unhappy. Been on ssri’s because I figured maybe it’s just a me problem but still the same underlying unhappiness. I worry If I leave I’ll miss the few good elements of our marriage. He is a hard worker, he can fix almost anything and he’s a good person. I don’t want to hurt him but I really can’t see me suddenly becoming happy in this marriage yet I am petrified that I will still be unhappy if I leave it. Any pearls of wisdom would be appreciated so much. X

I am in a very similar situation to you. I’m still here due to finances and fear of the unknown.
Get your ducks in a row and live the life you want, not the life he wants.

I’m not married to a farmer but dh is from one and I can see the issues it causes in a marriage

when does your degree finish ? I don’t see much point to staying but I know that 26 years of marriage is a long haul ! So it is a huge decision. But your life could be amazing !! Do your children know there are issues?

I’m sorry to hear this, I hate the idea of anyone being in this situation. Are you able to put things into place with regards your finances at all? I had to wait until the kids were older so that I could dedicate time to my access course and subsequent uni course, hence why I’m 45 and the oldest in my cohort, it’s a demanding degree, physically and mentally and my age just brings further challenges, but I’m determined to complete it so I can stand on my own two feet.

It really is! Hindsight is 20:20 of course and I probably should have left years ago but the kids were young and I guess I worried the effect it would have on them. This blind determination from him to live his dream life on a farm with no consideration for what I want has made it clear to me we want different things. I’m year two of three in my degree. And my daughter (20) knows how I feel and is supportive, my son, I don’t think knows at all.

@NiquiD, if you're asking the question, you probably know the answer.

You're only 46, that's pretty young.

Unless I was completely committed to a farming life there's no way I'd marry a farmer, it's an absolute commitment to a life that is in some ways very freeing but if it's not the life you want it absolutely ties you down.

You have options. Your children are young adults. You have no reason to tie yourself to a lifestyle that you don't want.

@Tetsuo this is very true, and I think I know what I want but my internal devils advocate says ‘as a wife should I not be supportive of his dreams…?’ To a point I agree that yes, partners should support each other but surely not to the detriment of our own happiness….

I finally broke up my miserable marriage after 18 years when the kids were teens, having spent many years assuming I couldn’t manage alone, giving sex I didn’t want, living with his decisions and working round his lifestyle.

We are now both happily remarried to people who are much better for us, living lives we are much happier with. The kids don’t have to play along with the happy family charade any more. It all feels like a slightly bad dream sometimes.

The breakup was rough, but think of it like childbirth - it can be painful and messy and humiliating but it’s over relatively quickly and the long term payoff is great.

@olderbutwiser I am so pleased to hear you made it out and and are happier now! It shows me that it can be done. Can I ask, did your partner see it coming? Was it a mutual decision? Was the divorce costly? What part did you feel humiliated by?

Forgive me for being naive but after your degree presumably you will do whatever job is applicable to your degree? Why do you need to get sucked into farming other than on a peripheral level?

If you eventually end up in the farm house why do you need to be involved in the farm husbandry & crops? Can you not just go to work each day and he hires help when he needs it at lambing etc?

If you lay out your plans to DH and can reach a compromise would that take the pressure off and maybe give you headspace to improve your intimate life?

I dunno, it’s complex, and altho I’ve presented this “solution” I actually think you’d probably be better off living apart. Get out while there’s time to adjust to separate lives before it turns into a broader family crisis.

@MinervatheGreat unfortunately I know how he operates and he tries to involve me in the farming now, we don’t live there currently but he finishes his day job and then goes to check on stock which are in three locations. He can’t see why I keep refusing to go check on the sheep even now so if we lived there it would be expected that any down-time I may have would mean time for me to help out. He would never pay for help either - he would rely on help from the children in the same way his father did, which is fine until they get lives of their own and aren’t at his beck and call which just means it will fall to me.

Can we swap husbands OP, ? I live very rurally on a small holding and would love the life of a full time farmer /farmers wife ! However it absolutely DOES need to be something you both want and it obviously isn't for you. Which makes it a no-go if your husband doesn't accept your lack of buy in to his dream.

The big advantage you have here is your age. 45 is still young and gives you a lot of years ahead to fulfil your dreams both career wise and life wise.

It sounds like DH was the right man for the first part of your life whilst you were raising a family but now that is mostly done, you are looking at 'part 2' and that may mean with a different life partner or alone. I definitely couldn't be having sex with someone I didn't fancy. That part is not fair on you and I suspect DH would be pretty horrified if he realised how you felt about it.

Hello - this sounds tough. Could you maybe try a trial separation for 6 months - could he live on the farm w his parents and you stay in family home, both of you can see what that would be like before making any big decisions?

@canttellyouwhereorwhatido I guess I just never had farming in my blood being a ‘townie’ and he knew this when we married. There are elements of farming I do enjoy, I just don’t want it to become my life. He knows this because I’ve told him and yet despite promises initially he would wind it down to make it manageable whilst he’s still working full time he’s done the opposite. Made investments into it using what I perceive is ‘our’ money without discussing with me first, and has increased the levels of livestock which simply means he’s spending more and more time there when he should be here.
He knows I don’t want sex with him, but because his whole demeanour changes when he ‘goes without’ I allow him his three minutes and he seems perfectly happy with that even though he knows damn well I am not. This is of course just breeding further resentment on my part.

@ithinkicanithinkican its not a bad idea, but I asked for a 2 week trial separation years ago and he kept ringing me kind of defeating the object. If he wasn’t on the phone to me he would ring my mum asking about me!
I have also suggested he lives there to make his life easier but he would rather drive the 24 mile round trip daily, come home, eat and fall asleep on the sofa.

You really are very young OP. I think, if it was me, I'd be laying the ground work for getting out even if you're not 100% sure it's what you want straight away. The menopause sometimes allows women to see and act more decisively about what they want. It sounds to me like the two of you are going in different directions.

I love the childbirth analogy further up the thread - short term pain for something new and joyful at the end. A new beginning, a new life. He seems very driven towards the farming life and if that's not what you want (and he's not listening and acting unilaterally on financial and other matters), then start the mind shift to a different life that's more authentic to you. 💐🍀

I would out a stop to the sex you don't want. Now. He doesn't care enough about you to be interested in whether it's good for you or not. And each time it is another push on your mental health. He might grump but he'll get over it. Currently it's just another way of using you for his own needs without caring for yours.

It has to be a two way thing. And sometimes that means compromise if one of the goals is all encompassing IE demanding too much.

Just a thought - has he taken out loans against the house or is it just savings he's used without discussion? Perhaps a practical discussion with someone in family law might be helpful, even if it never leads anywhere.

He took a personal loan out, and he can write off a lot of it as ‘investment into the business’ but still….there was no discussion prior and I only found out because I saw the loan agreement letter.

Are his parents putting undue pressure on him to continue the farm when they die? Are they emotionally blackmailing him or is this all driven by him?

@LittleOwl153 the thing is, he is so persistent and as soon as I attempt to deviate from the once weekly ‘rule’ he starts asking what’s the matter, why are you saying no, what has changed, etc etc and that’s just more draining and will potentially open the can of worms I’m not ready to open just yet.

@Astridspuzzle no, I firmly believe this is his doing. It’s his dream, so he says.

The ages 40-49 are the highest for divorce and I think that it's a midpoint where the chidren are raised and you plan out the rest of your life together.

It sounds like he has laid out his plans and is pretty much taking it for granted that you are going to accept his ambitions and is now expecting you to be free labour on the farm.
You are an equal partner in this and if that's not what you want then I think you must tell him so that he realises that it's not going to be with you.
He can then either scale it back and not launch into a business which might not work or be successful, if it works then it would require both of you to work at it and work really hard.

@Astridspuzzle precisely what I’m doing, I just have to complete my degree and then I can fend for myself. I’m on HRT as we speak due to perimenopause but I can only blame the hormones for so much - and in reality I know I’ve felt like this wayyyy before the hormones bottomed out!

Yes, I think the previous poster is right about the divorce pattern around menopause or peri menopause. I've had a life re-evaluation around family relationships (not my marriage but other connections) and what I'm doing for the last phase of my work life (I'm 52). So I think it's a natural point to stand back and ask 'is this working? Am I where I want to be, do I need to change things?'

I think what worries me about what you describe here, is the lack of listening and lack of change by your husband?