Abusive ex wants to divorce "without solicitors, between us" - I don't know what to ask for?

[Toomuchwine89]

I'm definitely going to get legal advice! But I don't know if anyone else has been through the same sort of thing?

He, of course, is offering a 50/50 split of the house equity, because he's so generous.

However.

He's on around 50k a year, I was a SAHM to six children (two are his). There's about 100k equity in the marital home (which he's living in while we were in refuge for almost a year!), a caravan probably worth around 2-3k, the contents of the house (not worth masses, but I left everything behind) and his pension (is that even worth it? He's only 30 so it won't be huge).

He keeps messaging my friend with messages to pass on to me about how HE wants to do this divorce and now HE wants to get things moving. It feels like the coercive control all over again!

We were together six years, married just over four.

Get a lawyer. Sorted.

Or a solicitor. Whichever is qualified and able to deal with the wanker.

I'm worried if I don't get legal aid then it's going to go into the thousands :(

Also he's piling on the pressure - is there a time frame? I feel rushed into doing what he wants. And I've worked so hard the past 14 months to build my life back up!

Dont dance to his tune. Tough do-do 💩 that he doesn’t want a solicitor involved.
Get yourself a solicitor and get some control back. How dare he!

Don’t try and do this on your own he’s playing at being oh so generous when he knows as you will be entitled to more.

Oh no, I agree! I'm just worried that there's a time limit and if I don't manage to find or afford a solicitor then he can crack on without me? If that makes sense?

As soon as they say "without solicitors", you know they're trying to rip you off

I don't know what you ask for either but your solicitor will.

And consider if he has pension / savings / investments that have been hidden from you

It sounds like you've had quite an ordeal already. This will be rough too but it's towards the end now

Check with women's refuge as they may be able to advise initially and you may be able to get legal aid to help

I do think he's had legal advice and they've told him that I may well be entitled to more.

When I was 9 months pregnant with our DD, I was telling him about how resident parents are often entitled to more than 50/50, and he went MAD. Ranting for ages about how that's fucking ridiculous and he's sick of men being screwed over

Its been fucking horrendous.

He didn't have savings when we we're together

What's his stance with the kids Op? Does he want to have his two 50/50?

I got legal aid for family court as he dragged me through it all last year (and has now started it all over again, as he's decided he doesn't like the final order that was only signed off in September, but that's another story!)

He was given 4 hours a month supervised contact in the community. All signed off in court, great. He's now decided he wants to change it so has applied to court all over again. I've moved 3 hours away.

4 years is quite a short marriage, 50/50 could be a really good deal (usually in short marriages each party leaves with what they brought) - but, you have another 2dc which could tip the scales. £50k isn't a huge salary and legal aid is only available in a few cases (documented abuse being one of them, iirc)

Yes I was in refuge and had a non molestation order against him for a year so there is documented abuse. Ughhh it's a tough one

A 50/50 split is starting point but you’ll be housing the kids so that will tip in your favour.

Can you find any documents showing pension or any other assets? Ok if not as a solicitor can request them.

See if you can get legal aid to help with divorce costs.

To give you an idea, at the start of divorce I was full time student and primary carer. He suggested sell house and split 50/50 without solicitors.

I got a solicitor, finished studies and got a full time job. We went to court to sort finances. I got the house and 4K. He kept his pension, trust funds, and got 7k. The split was 60/40 in my favour which shows how much his assets were. He hasn’t wanted them to be brought into play.

I’m so sorry for what you have been through. He can’t push through a divorce completely, he can file for divorce and then you get sent a letter from the court. On that there is a box to tick along the lines of ‘I don’t agree to getting divorced without the finances being sorted out’. So the divorce process carries on but isn’t finalised without the financial part being done.

Obviously do get proper legal advice, but I hope this reassures you in the meantime. Sending you strength and positivity.

I've got to get the children ready for school now, but I'll be back to reply to anyone kind enough to give advice :)

There's not much in the way of assets so spending a lot on lawyers doesn't really make much sense. . Why wouldn't you want to crack on with divorce, its not necessarily a case of dancing to his tune. How many children live with you now and are you working? Unless they're very little 50/50 or 60 40 of the equity seems most likely.

I think you’d qualify for legal aid. Especially with the non-mol and children involved.

https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

He sounds like a prize cunt. Have you put in a claim for CMS for your children?

If it's bad enough that his contact has to be supervised, you've been in a refuge and had an NMO then please please PLEASE get some legal support with the divorce. Someone qualified to make sure he's not taking the piss

he didn’t have savings that you know of, which is a different thing. Apparently my ex didn’t have savings either - turned out he had £30k in the bank and I was entitled to half of what he had saved during our marriage.

As others have said and you have recognised, you need a solicitor. You also don’t need to be rushed to his timetable, which is indeed just another attempt to control. Once you have a solicitor representing you for the divorce, you and your friend simply need to ask your ex to stop contacting you and go through that person.

Just what @DaffodilsAlready has said

You don't know that he hasn't money hidden away

I do want to crack on! But I've had a LOT of other things to deal with because of him.

All the children live with me. They're 2, 4, 7, 11, 12 and 15.

You might think that there isn't much in the way of assets, but I've been divorced before when there literally was nothing so this is different

I very very much doubt it. Also I was told by my previous solicitor that any money we accrue from the day I left him doesn't count